Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.