Holding On or Letting Go?

With the holiday season approaching, it is the perfect representation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is dependable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

The following are a list of questions that come up often in understanding healthy relationships and knowing when it is okay to let those unhealthy relationships go:

1. Is it okay to let go of an old friend or long-term relationship if you realize you don't want the same things or if they aren't good to you? Of course, friendships are to be reciprocal in where both needs are met on all levels. If at any point one person seems to be regularly giving more than what is given back, it makes sense to end the friendship regardless of history. If friends are not good to you, why do they have access to you? Love, whether platonic or romantic, is to be empowering and reflecting of emotional safety so if that is not present; if you do not feel empowered or that there is emotional safety to be yourself, then it is not a correct fit. Who we are and how we see the world shifts every 5 years or so, therefore it makes sense that there may be cases where we do not grow together. In those cases, it is okay to let go of friendships that do not reflect what you are wanting out of experiencing life.

2. What about new friends? Is it a good idea to screen potential friends? It is necessary to screen all those we allow into our emotional energies. Not everyone deserves access to our story, and not everyone will be able to honor or respect those sides of us. By letting go of those who do not align with our needs and values, we can make space for those who give that naturally.

3. What are some signs you shouldn't, or should no longer be, friends with someone?

A: They criticize you instead of supporting you: People stand behind "constructive criticism" when in fact the statement is putting the person down. We can support and ask to understand the perspective of choices made to then offer other perspectives without criticizing the person. Oftentimes, the statements made are not necessary for growth or for the situation.

B. Lack of loyalty: When their interest or respect in you varies depending on the people they are around. Shares your stories with others without your permission (gossips about you)

C. You are important to them when they need emotional, verbal, financial or other types of support. In other words, they talk to you in their free time, but they don't free time to speak with you.

D. Comparisons or competition. Comparing you to others that are presented as being better than you or competing with you instead of supporting and encouraging you.

E. Transactional: If then relationships where there is a tally kept on who is doing what. "I did this for you, so I need you to do this for me" or If Then statements, "if you cared about me, you would"

F: Manipulation of any kind. Passive aggressive behavior, gaslighting, blaming, shaming, or making you feel as though you are a bad friend if you don't do what this friend would want you to do. The power rests in their hands when it comes to your decision making.

G: If you feel as though you have to prove your worth to them.

4. It is not that bad, thy don’t abuse me, they say mean things sometimes. Is that abuse? Verbal abuse is any spoken messages that lead to demeaning the spirit and character of the other. It can take the form of many types of techniques such as contempt, criticism or gaslighting. The point of the behavior is to reduce the person's value and worth in their own eyes (of the person being abused) to the effect that sacrifices are made of the abused at the expense of themselves to meet the needs of the abuser.

5. How do you know if it is abuse? Denial, blame, and manipulation are all elements of emotional and verbal abuse to create and maintain an imbalance of power. Denial serves as a defense mechanism to maintain the status quo. It is difficult to face the fact that the one you love could do such harm to you, to care so little of your wellbeing or could be so self-centered to their needs at the expense of you. Blame is usually the tool used by the abuser to justify their actions and maintain their innocence; if they hadn't done or said (insert behavior) then the abuser would not have reacted as they did. It keeps the abused in a state of self-doubt and confusion and eventually those verbal messages become the internal dialog and belief of the person being abused. Manipulation is any action that is used to get a desired effect. Examples could be passive aggressive behavior: Sullenness or cynicism, intentional mistakes and procrastination, complaints about being underappreciated or somehow cheated out of something, resentment, and covert opposition. Behaviors to punish the other person as a way to control behavior: guilt, shame, withdrawal, comparison to others, etc.

Coming to terms with relationships that we value that are also unhealthy or not reciprocal will be challenging emotionally and everyone will go through the process of grief. Awareness of this will at times feel like rejection or that we are not good enough to have the proper show of love and affection from any of these emotions. Self-care will be essential in coping with the loss. How would you define "self-help"? Self-help is taking any measure to ensure the regeneration and maintenance of our emotional, mental, and physical health. Especially emotional... The focus is 100% on you so you can replenish reserves of emotional energy. Emotional energy is finite- we wake up with a specific amount and once that is depleted, it is gone until the next day. Humans are social beings and being surrounded by others who exhibit understanding and empathy through shared experiences help one to feel that they are not alone and also help them cope with their own experiences through the shared experiences shared.