Unpacking Early Adversity Through Animal Studies (Yes, It’s Relevant)

So here’s the deal: early life experiences matter. A lot. And when we say early, we’re talking about early—like newborn phase. How a young one gets treated right out the gate has major implications for their brain, emotional life, and overall development. That part isn’t new. What is interesting is how much we’ve learned about this by studying animals—mostly rodents.

Chelini et al. (2022) pulled together a whole bunch of that animal research to figure out what happens when things go wrong early on. What they came up with isn’t exactly uplifting—but it’s useful. Especially if you’re trying to understand how early adversity might shape development in humans, too.

It Starts With the Mother (Like, Always)

The first big point: how the mom is doing affects how the baby is doing. Simple. If the mother is stressed, under-supported, poorly nourished, or just plain overwhelmed, it interferes with her ability to show up and care for her kids in a regulated way. That’s true for people, and it’s definitely true for rats.

The review highlights how critical the maternal environment is—not just in terms of physical stuff, like food and shelter, but also her mental and emotional state. If she’s not getting what she needs to recover from birth and regulate herself, she can’t offer the kind of care that helps her offspring thrive.

Breaking Down Adversity: Three Main Types

Chelini et al. sort early adversity into three basic categories, all of which show up in the animal studies:

1. Household Challenges:

This includes environmental instability—bad nesting conditions, noise, or constant disruptions. These things ramp up maternal stress and can lead to erratic or overcompensating caregiving. Not great for the baby.

2. Abuse:

When resources are scarce, maternal frustration tends to rise. That often spills over into aggressive behavior toward the offspring. It’s not subtle, and the impact is serious.

3. Neglect:

Sometimes the mother is physically separated from the babies. Other times, she’s just too dysregulated or depleted to meet their basic needs. Either way, the result is the same: the kids don’t get enough care, and their bodies and brains take a hit.

What’s Actually Happening in the Brain?

Early adversity shows up neurologically. Critical periods of development get disrupted, and that can have long-term effects. The review focuses on things like parvalbumin cells and perineural nets—parts of the brain that help with plasticity and emotional regulation. When these systems don’t get the right input early on, they don’t develop properly. Which means the young animal (or human) ends up less flexible, less resilient, and more prone to overreacting to stress.

The Flip Side: Enrichment Works

But it’s not all bad news. The review also points to the positive effects of early environmental enrichment (eEE). Basically, when the early environment is stimulating—lots of movement, social contact, new things to explore—it helps the brain develop in a healthy way.

That means better sensory systems, better cognition, and a more regulated stress response. The takeaway is simple: enriched environments don’t just feel nicer—they build better brains.

Why This Matters for Humans

Yes, this is all based on animal studies, but the parallels are pretty obvious. Human kids need stable, responsive caregiving, especially early on. When that’s missing—whether because of poverty, mental health issues, or social stress—their development gets thrown off course. And the ripple effects can last a lifetime.

The review doesn’t offer magic solutions, but it does make a strong case for supporting mothers—early and often. If the caregiver isn’t okay, the kid probably won’t be either. And the earlier you intervene, the better the outcomes tend to be.

Wrapping It Up

Chelini et al. (2022) make a solid argument: early adversity changes how the brain develops. And a lot of that comes down to how well the mother is doing, and what kind of environment the kid is growing up in. It’s not about overprotecting or micromanaging childhood—it’s about recognizing that the early caregiving environment has real consequences, biologically and psychologically.

So if we’re serious about mental health and development, we’ve got to stop treating maternal support as optional. It’s foundational.

Reference:

Chelini et al. (2022). At the Crossroad Between Resiliency and Fragility: A Neurodevelopmental Perspective on Early-Life Experiences. Frontiers in Cellular Neuroscience.

Healing Yourself By Healing Your Body

Written By: Erika Barrera

We often imagine healing to be a magical, linear process. However, true healing

holistically combines the wellness of the mind, heart, and body, and that can take a

lot of hard work.

Understanding how the three are intertwined may be difficult, but the link between

body and mind has actually been scientifically proven by studies around the world.

The PAAH cites international programs that have revealed how physical activity

guidelines can reduce onset, incidence, and severity of depression, while also

mitigating stress and anxiety.

How does this happen? Let’s take a closer look at the connections.

Mental and physical health

Survivors have long faced the stigma that trauma can simply be resolved by a

stronger mentality. Only after years of passionate lobbying and scientific discoveries

has society recognized the deeper connection between mental and physical health,

and how mental stress can literally make our bodies sick.

Trauma is the result of several biochemical reactions in the body. This thankfully also

means that healing can be a matter of undoing these biochemical reactions through

a range of options.

Exercise and mental health

We can start with movement. Exercise induces an increase in blood circulation to the

brain. This influences the HPA axis, affecting the control centers of motivation and

mood such as the limbic system or the amygdala. Scientists posit that this is how

exercise affects the physiologic reactivity to stress.

As your lung capacity increases through exercise, along with your muscles’

endurance, your body will tire less easily. This helps improve your mood, while

increasing mental alertness and also allowing you to get better sleep.

Of course, exercise isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. For example, exercise programs

by Verywell Mind consider how people with PTSD may associate the bodily arousal of

exercise with anxiety. However, a well-thought-out program that builds over the

course of 12 weeks or more can lead to a significant decrease in this and similar

symptoms.

Healthy eating for a healthy mind

Traumatic experiences can also have direct gastrointestinal effects. Trauma affects

your body’s microbiome, and can even damage your small intestine, leading to a

difficulty absorbing nutrients.

It’s easy to rely on comfort meals that are sugary, fatty, or salty, for the rush of

serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins. However, trauma specialist Dr. Gordon’s

motivation to skip these meals comes from the fact that these are short-term gains.

The long-term downside of leaving trauma unaddressed actually manifests in a

severe drop of these neurotransmitters, while the primary stress hormone cortisol

increases.

This can result in a greater reliance on unhelpful food choices. That’s why it’s best to

focus on diets that are packed with nutrients and good bacteria that improve overall

health, such as whole foods, organic foods, and omega-3 fatty acids.

Once again, Dr. Gorden recommends a balanced approach to making dietary

changes: not through rigidity, but via a healthy direction. This is echoed by nutrition

and behavioral scientists, registered dieticians, and the clinical researchers who

created the individualized weight loss plans on WeightWatchers. Everyone’s bodies

and experiences are different, and we each have unique needs, budgets, and even

tastes that need to be taken into consideration.

Focusing on individual needs ensures that your diet is specifically tailored to your

health, and supplemented by exercise that can alleviate symptoms such as low self-

esteem and social withdrawal.

The importance of lifestyle choices

Traumatic experiences may be out of our control, but the power to heal ourselves

lies with us. Healing must start with a conscious choice.

Fortunately, even simple acts like taking one step outside to eating one healthy

snack can be part of the Finding Confidence program. As discussed previously,

healing cannot be found in the same environment that broke you, but in the journey

to a new environment.

You can start today through our life coaching and programs. Together, true healing

can become a collective, holistic journey of mind, heart, and body. If you are

interested in Life Coaching or following a Personalized Program do visit the rest of

the website.

Does Our Sense Of Purpose Have To Come From Our Careers?

 We grow up with everyone from our parents, family members, peers and teachers asking us what we want to be when we grow up. Having that question asked from an age as early as 5yrs old, imprints on us the need to have a greater sense of meaning from our careers. We oftentimes conflate purpose with our careers also because we spend a majority of our day at work, or other activities associated with our jobs.

Having a sense of purpose defines why what we are doing is worthwhile and brings with it feelings of passion, and drive. We have our days outlined and defined by what society deems to be important, and if that is not in alignment with what we value, we start to wonder what the point of all the effort is.

While it would be amazing to have a career that supports the feeling of purpose and making an impact on our own lives, that of others or humanity as a whole, it does not have to be come from what we do for a living.

I believe our lives as a whole need to have elements of purpose sprinkled throughout in all aspects of our lives. For example, if we were to segment my life, it would consist of my career, children, romantic relationships, family members, social, health, hobbies, and spirituality. To feel as though my life has purpose, I would need to find elements in each of these 8 aspects that make up my life.

For those who feel unfulfilled in their jobs, I would ask them to reframe the benefits of working where they are at. I encourage my clients to see their jobs as a way to fund their passions. The vacations, hobbies, eating out, wardrobe updates, jewels etc. They could also find ways to associate the job requirements or the people they work with as extensions of their personal values whether that is helping other people, creating things that benefit society as a whole, finding coworkers with similar ideologies, or having customers to connect to.

It seems wonderful in theory; however, it can be challenging to put it into practice because of our inner critic. Inner criticism would be the nagging voice we hear that puts down some element of achievement or aspect of our personalities. Here are a few steps for shutting the inner critic down.

-Ask yourself "Is this message true? Is the story I am telling myself about this accurate.

-Do I have evidence to support this belief? Is this belief general in an overall sense or specific to an incident?" By breaking it down, we can decipher the critic from our truth. It helps to give it a name, an identity, an image so it can be separated from who you are and addressed as a separate entity when it speaks up. Think about the negative criticism, how it is worded in your mind and how it makes you feel. Imagine a character in popular media that reminds you of how this talk manifests and then give it a name. Mine would be Victoria Grayson from the TV show Revenge.

-Start to recognize that just because they're having thoughts doesn't make them *true* Pause, reassess, and release those thoughts? By challenging the basis and significance of occurrence. If my negative thought is that I am not a good mother, I would first have to define what it means to be a good mother, see if I have met those criteria that day, and see if the concern I have is a general, or specific fear. Then give myself some grace to forgive whatever I believe to be a shortcoming in that area and make a specific and directive plan to change course.

-Ask what are the repercussions of taking this step? Repercussions would be the difficulty in sitting and facing these negative beliefs and understanding where they came from in the first place. That awareness can be daunting. It takes courage to face and challenge these negative inner critics.

Awareness is power. There are some negative criticisms that may never go away because they are so deeply ingrained in our psyche. Through this awareness, we can see it coming, understand why it is there, challenge the validity of the thought and actively push past the hesitation and fear that is there.

Without honoring where we are at the moment, we will never truly be satisfied with where we are going or any improvement that has been made. We will continue chasing after a vision that is rapidly changing of what it means to be better without the joy and satisfaction of what we have overcome. It is necessary to be satisfied with the work we have done on self-improvement up to this point- no matter how small in order to truly be able to love ourselves and our journey.

Language Of Apology

A violation of a value causes emotional pain especially when the love language that you rely on to feel belonging, acceptance or deep regard is then contradicted. Insults can leave you shattered and those words are not easily forgotten (Words of Affirmation). Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be essentially hurtful (Quality Time). A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures (Receiving Gifts). Laziness, broken commitments, and creating additional work, communicates to receivers of this language that their feelings don’t matter (Acts of Service).  And finally, physical distancing, neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive (Physical Touch).

Just as your love language when violated could be your greatest source of suffering, the language of apology can subsequently help to heal those wounds.  Gary Chapman's love languages help us to feel affection when it is given in the way we specifically receive, and the language of apology fosters healing when also given in our unique style. The five languages of apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Repentance, Requesting Forgiveness, and Making Restitution.

1. Expressing regret: If the person you’ve hurt has this language, they want to know “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” This language is required for the person that has been hurt to see that you are able to empathize and put yourself in their shoes. That you understand them as a person to know how much this behavior has caused them suffering and why. In order to make amends, you would need to be able to pull from their values and past history to show the connection of how your behavior has triggered their values and then apologize for the pain that was caused.

2. Accepting responsibility: If the person you apologize to has this apology language, they want you to take ownership for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong. This person needs to hear that you are taking full responsibility for these actions without an attempt to justify, or diminish the impact of the behavior.

3. Making restitution: If someone has this apology language, what they really want to know is “does this behavior reflect how you feel about me?” Your behavior seemed so unloving to them that they wondered how you could love them and do what you did. In this situation, the person is looking for ways you can rebuild the trust that was lost through actions. These actions will then serve to overwrite or negate the messages that were delivered through the harmful behavior or words. According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments. Gottman founded the ratio of 5:1 in that it takes five positive moments for our brains to overcome one negative moment.

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: When this is someone’s apology language, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized and therefore, the apology is not sincere. This person fears that these hurtful behaviors will continue and perhaps a few days or months later, they will be in the same situation yet again.

5. Requesting forgiveness: If you offend someone who has this apology language, the words “will you please forgive me?” are the words they want to hear.  Requesting forgiveness is the way to touch their heart and is the way that feels sincere to them. The reason behind this is they want to see that the other person is able to be humble and give back the emotional power to the person who was hurt. 

How you say sorry matters based on the way we receive an apology. Our language of apology is just as unique as all the other aspects that have been designed through our life experiences. In order to heal, we must receive this apology in our own unique way. This is just as individualized and necessary as our need for love, our pet peeves, our values or how we view the world. If making amends matters, it must be given in the way the other person receives. This can be an opportunity to discuss and learn about the important people in your life and how they heal from a regrettable incident. Take the quiz here

5 Steps to Heal from Gaslighting

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

-New Port Institute/ Mental Health

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof

Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong

Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you

Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior

Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out

Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern

PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

Constantly second-guessing yourself

Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

Walking on eggshells around the other person

Believing that you are too sensitive

Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

Feeling lonely and trapped

Doubting your own memory and sanity

Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

More Sources:

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.

Holding On or Letting Go?

With the holiday season approaching, it is the perfect representation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is dependable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

The following are a list of questions that come up often in understanding healthy relationships and knowing when it is okay to let those unhealthy relationships go:

1. Is it okay to let go of an old friend or long-term relationship if you realize you don't want the same things or if they aren't good to you? Of course, friendships are to be reciprocal in where both needs are met on all levels. If at any point one person seems to be regularly giving more than what is given back, it makes sense to end the friendship regardless of history. If friends are not good to you, why do they have access to you? Love, whether platonic or romantic, is to be empowering and reflecting of emotional safety so if that is not present; if you do not feel empowered or that there is emotional safety to be yourself, then it is not a correct fit. Who we are and how we see the world shifts every 5 years or so, therefore it makes sense that there may be cases where we do not grow together. In those cases, it is okay to let go of friendships that do not reflect what you are wanting out of experiencing life.

2. What about new friends? Is it a good idea to screen potential friends? It is necessary to screen all those we allow into our emotional energies. Not everyone deserves access to our story, and not everyone will be able to honor or respect those sides of us. By letting go of those who do not align with our needs and values, we can make space for those who give that naturally.

3. What are some signs you shouldn't, or should no longer be, friends with someone?

A: They criticize you instead of supporting you: People stand behind "constructive criticism" when in fact the statement is putting the person down. We can support and ask to understand the perspective of choices made to then offer other perspectives without criticizing the person. Oftentimes, the statements made are not necessary for growth or for the situation.

B. Lack of loyalty: When their interest or respect in you varies depending on the people they are around. Shares your stories with others without your permission (gossips about you)

C. You are important to them when they need emotional, verbal, financial or other types of support. In other words, they talk to you in their free time, but they don't free time to speak with you.

D. Comparisons or competition. Comparing you to others that are presented as being better than you or competing with you instead of supporting and encouraging you.

E. Transactional: If then relationships where there is a tally kept on who is doing what. "I did this for you, so I need you to do this for me" or If Then statements, "if you cared about me, you would"

F: Manipulation of any kind. Passive aggressive behavior, gaslighting, blaming, shaming, or making you feel as though you are a bad friend if you don't do what this friend would want you to do. The power rests in their hands when it comes to your decision making.

G: If you feel as though you have to prove your worth to them.

4. It is not that bad, thy don’t abuse me, they say mean things sometimes. Is that abuse? Verbal abuse is any spoken messages that lead to demeaning the spirit and character of the other. It can take the form of many types of techniques such as contempt, criticism or gaslighting. The point of the behavior is to reduce the person's value and worth in their own eyes (of the person being abused) to the effect that sacrifices are made of the abused at the expense of themselves to meet the needs of the abuser.

5. How do you know if it is abuse? Denial, blame, and manipulation are all elements of emotional and verbal abuse to create and maintain an imbalance of power. Denial serves as a defense mechanism to maintain the status quo. It is difficult to face the fact that the one you love could do such harm to you, to care so little of your wellbeing or could be so self-centered to their needs at the expense of you. Blame is usually the tool used by the abuser to justify their actions and maintain their innocence; if they hadn't done or said (insert behavior) then the abuser would not have reacted as they did. It keeps the abused in a state of self-doubt and confusion and eventually those verbal messages become the internal dialog and belief of the person being abused. Manipulation is any action that is used to get a desired effect. Examples could be passive aggressive behavior: Sullenness or cynicism, intentional mistakes and procrastination, complaints about being underappreciated or somehow cheated out of something, resentment, and covert opposition. Behaviors to punish the other person as a way to control behavior: guilt, shame, withdrawal, comparison to others, etc.

Coming to terms with relationships that we value that are also unhealthy or not reciprocal will be challenging emotionally and everyone will go through the process of grief. Awareness of this will at times feel like rejection or that we are not good enough to have the proper show of love and affection from any of these emotions. Self-care will be essential in coping with the loss. How would you define "self-help"? Self-help is taking any measure to ensure the regeneration and maintenance of our emotional, mental, and physical health. Especially emotional... The focus is 100% on you so you can replenish reserves of emotional energy. Emotional energy is finite- we wake up with a specific amount and once that is depleted, it is gone until the next day. Humans are social beings and being surrounded by others who exhibit understanding and empathy through shared experiences help one to feel that they are not alone and also help them cope with their own experiences through the shared experiences shared.

Behind Closed Doors- Understanding Emotional Reactions

Fear is a natural emotion and yet I would argue that it is the strongest of all the reactions to life. It manifests in various colorful ways including anxiety, cautiousness, rejection, doubt etc. Take a moment and write down what fear means… The definition of the emotion as well as the many ways it presents in your life.

As I am sitting here attempting to explain this, I find myself stuck after 3 sentences. For such an enormous emotion, I am struggling with identifying exactly how to define it. From a psychological point, fear is a primitive reaction that alerts us to a potential threat. It presents in a cognitive as well as a physiological manner that can be felt through real or perceived threats.

Fear lurks around every corner some days. It is tinged with betrayal and failure, not necessarily from anyone else, but mostly of letting myself down. I feel paralyzed at the thought that I will not meet what is expected of me as a partner, entrepreneur, or parent. My roles have defined me for so long, what will I be without them? Who am I if I am not a mother, therapist, confidant, healer, or the grounded friend that anyone can turn to for support? Some days, the fear is more of the hopes yet to be fulfilled; an imagined or perceived failing of those experiences coming to fruition.

There are other feelings that make up the tangled rat nest of this emotion we call fear. Loneliness, disappointment, disconnected, doubt, removed, desperate, stressed, abandoned, vulnerable, lost, unmotivated, isolated and a slew of other nasty experiences. The underlying root emotion for nearly all negative experiences can be fear just as the underlying root emotional for nearly all positive emotions is desire. In identifying which realm of these two subconscious reactions, fear, or desire, we can then start to sift through what that means for us in order to make sense of the emotions. By identifying the emotion, we can make sense of the perception, understand the value behind it, and be able to communicate those feelings as a reaction to a need that is asking to be met.

There are two ways to regain control over fear. Before we can master those two skills, we must first be able to identify the power behind the fear. The source of what makes this emotion so powerful is the meaning we attach to it. Failure can be just a setback from or falling short of reaching a set goal. Everyone goes through it, and yet many of us become nearly paralyzed with fear of being a failure. The power that fuels that experience from being just a life experience to an actual fear is what it would mean for us as a person to have missed the mark on this particular goal.  

My favorite dysfunctional skill is allowing the behaviors of others to define who I am as a person. My ex will behave in dismissive ways when my children need attention and there are times when I feel as though I have failed them as a parent since I have allowed them to be in this environment. My family members may criticize psychotherapy and theory based on their personal experiences in a way that I feel personally responsible to change their views and prove that we as therapists are there to help guide and heal past wounds. My sister being late when I have specifically expressed a deadline for when we need to be somewhere seemed to me as though she doesn’t value my time or presence in her life.

It all boils down to this pressure that no matter what, I can’t measure up… no matter what I do or say or plan or prevent, it’s not enough- I am not enough. My kids keep getting their little vulnerable hearts pummeled, and I am not competent enough to put those pieces back together.  No matter how many certificates, awards, or books I write, my expertise is not going to measure up to that of other medical professionals. No matter how much I rearrange my life to include my sister, I do not matter enough to her as she does to me. 

The meaning I am attaching to their behaviors is what powers my fear. It is necessary to remove the emotional meaning we attach to the outcome that creates the fear and then perpetuates the fearful behaviors. Bring the significance down by challenging the truth in these statements. One of my mottos to live by is “No one can define your experience or existence”, and vice versa, we can’t define their experience for them either. It is not fair to impose my assumptions onto others or on myself and instead we challenge these thoughts by comparing them to facts. Up to this point, have I been able to give support and guidance for my kids to find healing? Yes, I have. The next step is to absolve myself of taking responsibility over things I have no control over. Own only what’s mine. The final step is to affirm the work I have done to be in alignment with the person I am wanting to be. I am available emotionally and physically to these babies, I am supportive and playful, I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically present to witness their existence and walk next to them through their growth. I am actively working on being the kind of mother I would like to be for them. So, in theory, I am enough, and that will have to be enough for me.   

To take the sting off behaviors of others that we have no control over, it is helpful to come up with a few catch phrases that redirect the need to defend or prove ourselves. Expecting things to be different than what you have mostly experienced with a specific person, or their specific characteristics is what gives the power to the situation and sets us up to falter. Each time they behave this way we are triggered and astonished that they have the audacity to do so, and yet, haven’t they always? Why are we surprised? So, say something short and sweet that brings you back in your own lane. Some examples could be:

Been there, done that.

Not the first time.

Here we go again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Climbed this mountain before.

Here are the facts: My ex will behave like a narcissist, my sister’s life will probably be a wreck, my dad will probably not be emotionally present, and my other sister will most definitely be flighty. Expecting or hoping they will be different, is what will set me up for failure. At the same time, expecting that I will not be shut down or be perceived as distant or to not feel anger is unrealistic. They are who they are just as I am who I am. However, accepting them for who they are does not mean we have to just sit there and take it. Of course, there is a difference in experiencing these as feelings, and NOT behaving in a reaction to these feelings. In identifying the real or perceived fear behind our emotions, we can then process the situation in a healthy manner. We have a right to our emotions, but we cannot act out in dysfunctional ways because of our emotions. We can instead remove ourselves from the situation. Much easier said than done, I know. Recognize the specific person that is igniting emotion, cope with it in a manner that meets your needs and set necessary boundaries, so these emotions do not bleed onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The Book of Regrets

We are told that we have our whole lives to look forward to, we are the masters of our existence and have the power to change our circumstances and embrace all of the infinite possibilities of how our futures can unfold. I am one of those people that preach exactly that and yet, we often fail to acknowledge the fear of uncertainty that holds us back. This uncertainty is a mirror to what is written in our book of regrets. All the ways we have failed ourselves and how the world has failed us, written in our subconscious as a gentle or rather violent reminder of why it is easier and safer not to take that leap of faith.  

The Book of Regrets- the one force strong enough to keep us feeling stuck and unable to move forward.

I am overcome with emotion knowing that my heart was at war with my mind (Again). At this point in my life’s journey, I know who I am and what matters to me. I feel tattered at this moment because my values have been violated and not only that, but what I valued most in this relationship has now come under scrutiny. Who can possibly be a harsher judge than the voice inside of me.

How am I supposed to make amends within me when I am forced to face the inevitable loss that I must endure? For either I will betray myself in the process of accepting this situation or let go of the hope I had finally started to allow myself to feel in order to keep the status quo. I feel unsafe and my entire being is screaming that I am walking into a trap.  I have seen these signs before, and it warns of a story known to so many and even in my own narrative that I do not want to read again.

When faced with a situation of cognitive dissonance, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces, we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.

 Identify the primary emotion or perspective in that specific situation- for me, it was fear of loss. This loss defined so many things. I would lose respect for myself, I would lose the other person, and I would lose all the growth I fought relentlessly to achieve.

Think a bit further into it and try to identify what that would mean- the secondary perspective.

This fear would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I can hope all I want to believe in a secure future with a partner and it will always result in me not being good enough and there will always be another allure. The loss in staying would be sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me. This fear also confirms that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find, is ultimately a mirage.

My book of regrets will go from being a novel to a tome no matter which choice I make.

It is crucial in these moments to understand the “why” behind our fears, otherwise we will continue to swim in them without getting anywhere until we are close to drowning. The “why” holds the key to understanding who we are in order to identify what created these fears and what value are we trying to uphold that is being threatened.  By identifying these values, we will separate ourselves from the grips of the reactive/ survival emotions of the amygdala (inner goat brain) to the working thought processes of the prefrontal cortex (somewhat self-regulatory and reasonable brain).  

Our values stemming from the life we have lived and the life we are wanting to create is at the heart of our sense of self. How do we prevent the loss of our identity? BOUNDARIES. An effective way of setting and communicating boundaries is to have a rundown of the emotions (fear), the reason behind the emotions (need) how and what felt violated (values) and finally the expectation of a behavior going forward (boundaries).

Emotions are a mirror of our needs which are an extension of our values. If the fear is loss, the need is to have someone to belong to which makes the value to be accepted. Often times, the intensity of the need overrides the boundaries that should be in place because the need is stronger than the rational reasons to have standards. However strong that need may be, ask yourself if losing your identity is worth any benefit that could possibly be there at that time. The answer may be yes for that moment, so think long term. As you lose your identity, you lose touch with your sense of self which is like losing your center of gravity. You will inevitably find yourself free falling and untethered to anything that could make you feel grounded.

The only person that can give you a sense of stability and security is YOU. As much as it pains you now to face these fears, know that it is taking you one step closer to the life you do want. One that reflects your needs and values so that those existing within your world, can be there effortlessly. You will work, grow, learn, and laugh together. There will be shared experiences and shared understandings where you will not have to fight to be heard, seen, or accepted. There will be a simplicity in existing so all of your energies can go towards undiscovered adventures enveloped in love. For in honoring and loving yourself, you can then create a world to give AND have the same efforts given back to you.  

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

Embracing Your Glorious Mess

Who are you in the vast sea of all the characters we play in this life? Do you respect, appreciate, protect, vouch for, and accept who you are in all that makes you uniquely you? Self-love comes from experiencing love, and also having trust in the protection and safety that was present in your early childhood. Along with that security that you are loved and cared for, there has to be the element of acceptance- Acceptance to be who you are at all times without consequence.  Without the acceptance to be you, it is difficult to cultivate a sense of belonging and subconscious love of who you are and what you have to offer. We often confuse the loving behaviors from your family with the acceptance of who we are as a person.

Part of understanding and learning to love yourself is to detangle the experiences we have had with the messages we have received. Most people in the beginning will share that they had a happy childhood with the support of their loved ones. I had a friend say a similar thing to me yesterday as we were catching up and sharing stories of past relationships.

She mentioned that her family had always been there for her and still when she would go to school, she would feel unwanted and like she did not fit in. She shared that her comfort and solace from the outside world was her home, in her parent’s arms. When asked if she was always allowed to speak her truth on her own perceptions and follow her own path on what she desired, even as a child, she realized that it was not always the case. She shared with me that her mother would often criticize her efforts as it reflected in her studies, even though she eventually graduated as the valedictorian of her class. As she further reflected on this new paradigm, she realized other examples where she would wait to see her mother’s reaction to a certain style of clothing while at a department store before she would give her opinion. 

With this ingrained need to please her parents in order to validate her opinion or worth, it would then make sense that this behavior pattern would continue in her relationships outside of the home. Other’s opinions and impressions would slowly start to override her own to where her confidence in what she has to offer independent of another’s value judgement, would slowly disappear.

Now, being faced with this realization from a friend, not a gentle therapist (not that I am one of those either ahhahah), could incite a negative, immediate reaction. A need to defend oneself, one’s parents, or even to bite back on the person causing this discomfort. Makes total sense and that would be our ego at play.

My ego has a strong bite. She rears up, claws out, ready to pounce on whatever comment has triggered a value that has just been violated. She is there to defend my self-worth; and yet, many of us, including myself, have spent a lifetime taming the protector of our inner self instead of acknowledging that she is to be heard as a signal to own our worth.  We shush, placate, or dismiss this inner voice in order to keep the peach or to not draw negative attention. We fight to maintain the acceptance or love of the other person by keeping the peace but starting a war within ourselves.

The word ego has with it a negative connotation, however, there is a difference between how it manifests in a healthy way and letting it run wild with your insecurities. Recognizing the difference is crucial in learning to love yourself and overriding those past experiences that inscribed messages of inclusion and worth. Responding to someone with presence is quite different from reacting with attitude. Presence is embracing everyone in your warm glow of security and confidence, while attitude is an unconscious attempt to keep everyone at bay as a method of self-preservation in reaction to internal insecurities.

What would be the answer if I asked what you have to offer that is uniquely your own? If the immediate response were “nothing” or “I don’t know” it would be met with the raise of my left eyebrow, and a slight challenging tilt of my head as my gaze holds yours until you come up with an answer hahahaha.  Everyone has something unique to offer, starting with the experiences up to this particular point in life. Those experiences created a specific tint of color to the way you view the world and all that it stands for. There are instances where I see the interactions of other humans through bright colors that stand for understanding, courage, and hope while, (let us be real, for those who know me), the view is quite dark indeed. Both spectrums of my perception are based on personal experiences AND both end along with all the ones in the middle are valid and worthwhile.

Most of us grew up in an environment where we had to defend our right to exist and had a myriad of strings attached to our worth. The statements that governed our interactions such as keeping up with the jones, do not air your dirty laundry or be the best of everything if you want to be worth anything all influenced how we believed we should behave in order to be accepted or to belong. Most did not grow up in an environment where we were just accepted for being who we are- whether that was being pushed to get a certain type of grade to avoid punishment, follow a certain career path to bring honor to your family, believe in a particular religion, engage in certain hobbies, dress in a way to not draw negative attention, or present yourself in a way to prove you are worthy of being included with a certain group. The list of conditions goes on and on.

Conditional love is the root of all codependency. I will show you love/ acceptance if you do, be, think, or feel a certain way. Another manifestation of this is being so available for others needs and bending over backwards for them to show that they mean so much, with the hopes that “If I love you hard enough, eventually you will love me back this way too”. Setting healthy boundaries where you are not providing for their emotional/physical needs at the expense of your own is HARD. 

Rejecting and berating yourself because of your past behaviors will just keep you stuck. You have to think for yourself of how your morals are reflective of your values. The values are the compass that lets you drive your life. Let your values drive you instead of your ego. The key is learning to be strong enough to fight for you.  

Instead of saying I do not want to be codependent anymore, work rather on developing communication skills to challenge negative thoughts, or develop setting stronger boundaries. Acceptance of yourself has to be unconditional, but behaviors are based on conditions. Confusing right?! An example of this would be that I am a passionate person, so emotions are strong and bright with most occurrences. Just as my enthusiasm and joy is palpable, so is my anger and sadness. I cannot dilute one side and keep the other intact. That is who I am… but that does not mean that I get to behave in an aggressive and abusive manner when I am angry. Who we are as a person is not the same thing as how we behave.  

Start with showing compassion for where these early and often unintentional messages came from that formed how you feel about yourself. To acknowledge the correlation of the belief to the source (which is often our parents/ caregivers) is not the same as assigning blame. It is to understand how we came to be who we are now, so we can gradually work towards rewriting those messages. Through this process of untangling, you will be able to approach yourself with respect, admiration, appreciation, and curiosity. 

Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Are You A People Pleaser?

Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become. 

Sleep and Grief

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss. It is felt profoundly, yet differently, by everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a journey that we are forced to undertake when we lose someone we care about. Understanding grief, however, doesn’t make it any less difficult or painful. 

Grief is felt on an emotional level, but also on a physical level. Your heart can literally ache. A memory can cause your stomach to lurch. A photograph can make tears well in your eyes. Some nights, your mind races so fast that you cannot sleep. Other times you feel you could sleep all day. 

“If we let the despair set in, all aspects of life, including our sleep, will be negatively impacted. We will either have a hard time falling asleep or sleep excessively to escape reality,” said Dr. J. Salim, a dentist with Sutton Place Dental Associates in New York specializing in sleep apnea. “The net effect of these two possibilities is anxiety, lethargy, fatigue, loss of productivity, despair, hopelessness, compromises health, weight gain, and loss of will and motivation to advance in life.”

The truth is, insomnia and hypersomnia (excessive sleepiness or drowsiness) are not an uncommon symptom of grieving. And they can make the pain and anguish of grief worse. But there are things you can do to help you get the rest you need. And, in time, the intensity of your grief should become more manageable.  

Causes of Grief

Grief is the result of loss that is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But there are other causes of grief:

• Loss of a loved one through relationship breakup or divorce.

• Personal loss of one’s own abilities, health, or well-being due to illness or injury.

• Loss of a job, financial security, or social status.

• The physical absence of someone whose fate is unknown, such as in the case of a kidnapped or missing children or lost soldiers.

• The psychological loss of someone who is physically present but mentally absent, such as a loved one with dementia.

• Disenfranchised losses, such as the loss of a pregnancy, pet, home, etc.

The Stages of Grief

Grief is the response to loss. Bereavement is the profound absence felt when someone you love is gone. Both are common reactions when someone you love dies. These feelings gradually ease, but for some people, these emotions are debilitating and don’t improve in time. It becomes difficult to get on with your life. This is a condition known as complicated grief, and it often requires professional help to work through emotions so that you can learn to cope.  

You may have heard about the Five Stages of Grief – the Kübler-Ross model that breaks grieving into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was written by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in 1969 in her book “On Death & Dying.” For decades, the Five Stages of Grief have served as a guide for people as they work through their grief. The stages aren’t necessarily linear. Some people experience all steps in order while others may experience them in a different order. Yet others may only feel a few of the emotions. Let’s take a closer look at the five stages: 

1. Denial: Disbelief in diagnosis or death.

2. Anger: When it is understood that denial cannot continue, anger and frustration can set in.

3. Bargaining: The hope of believing that the cause of grief can be avoided through negotiation.

4. Depression: Deep sorrow over the loss.

5. Acceptance: Realization that everything will be OK.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that grief ends. You will always mourn your loved one. But, in time, the pain should become more manageable.

The Connection between Grief and Sleep

During bereavement, we can experience a range of reactions. The pain of loss can be emotional and physical — your heart and body can actually ache. This alone can cause problems with sleep. But, combined with the emotional reactions — like sadness, loneliness, and anxiety — those who are grieving can either experience sleepless nights or seek escape in sleeping more.

For people with complicated grief, the risk for sleep disturbances appears to be greater as the condition is often accompanied by depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

A Rice University and Northwestern University study published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that people who recently lost a spouse were more likely to have disrupted sleep and that this fragmented sleep caused an increase in inflammation in their bodies two to three times higher than those who were not bereaved. If sleep did not improve, the researchers surmised, these widows and widowers could experience long-term inflammation, putting them at increased risk for cardiovascular disease.  

“One of the biggest ways grief and sleep is connected is through dreams,” says Rebecca Ogle, a licensed Clinical Social Worker and therapist with Grounded Counseling in Chicago, Illinois. “Many grieving folks dream about their loved ones. If the dreams are upsetting this may cause them to dread sleeping and have trouble falling asleep.”

Others may oversleep. “This is due, in part, to the simple fact that grief is emotionally exhausting,” she adds. Many people who are grieving feel they need to put on a “brave face” for others who are concerned for them or in order to return to work. Yet, “internally they are miserable,” she says. “Not only is keeping up with this tiring, it can also lead to feelings of isolation, which leads to people spending time alone, which leads to lots of sleep.”

The Physical Symptoms of Grief

Licensed independent clinical social worker Howard Lunche, in his book, “Understanding Grief,” identified the symptoms of grief as being felt on several levels including physical, emotional, mental, social, behavioral, and spiritual. 

Physical

• Headaches

• Chest pain

• Stomach issues

• Aches and soreness

• Shortness of breath

Emotional

• Shock

• Numbness

• Sadness

• Anger

• Guilt

Mental

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Forgetfulness

• Denial

• Low motivation

Social

• Isolation from others

• Withdrawing from social activities

• Loss of friends

Behavioral

• Crying

• Searching for deceased

• Avoiding places that arouse grief

Spiritual

• Questioning God

• Wondering where your loved one is

• Hearing or sensing the deceased is near

Lack of Sleep

• Insomnia — Symptoms of insomnia include difficulty falling asleep or awakening at night and having difficulty falling back to sleep. Insomnia is not uncommon after someone goes through the stress and trauma of losing a loved one.

• Physical pains from grief — The pain from grief is not only emotional, it can be physical as well. You become more aware of physical sensations like pain. Backaches, joint pain, headaches, and general stiffness and soreness are common side effects of grief. You may even feel a dull hollow in your gut.

Excess Sleep

• Hypersomnia — The overwhelming and constant exhaustion and sadness that accompanies grief can also cause excessive daytime sleepiness or oversleeping, a condition known as hypersomnia. This is a common symptom in people with depression. Hypersomnia symptoms include sleeping all day, taking a lot of naps during the day, going to bed early in the evening, or oversleeping in the morning.

• Depression (and its physical side effects) — Depression is a common symptom among those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. People who are depressed can experience significant weight gain or weight loss, psychomotor agitation, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, inability to concentrate, marked loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, and insomnia or hypersomnia.

Understanding different types of grief 

Loss of a spouse

Whether you’ve been married a few years or several decades, losing your life partner is devastating. You may feel shocked or numb. You may experience survivor’s guilt for being the one who survived. You may even get mad at your deceased spouse for leaving you. All these emotions are normal as you work through your grief. A huge void has entered your life and you may feel lonely, scared, or anxious suddenly without your spouse. This is the time to take extra care of yourself. Studies have shown that after losing a spouse, the surviving spouse is at a 48% greater risk of dying. 

Losing your life partner can be especially difficult at night. The empty space next to you in bed feels vast. It can be especially difficult falling asleep at night without your loved one. “If you’ve lost a partner, get a body pillow or let the dog sleep with you for a while,” suggests Dr. Brian Wind, a clinical psychologist and Chief Clinical Officer of Journey Pure. “You might also sleep on your partner’s side of the bed for a sense of closure.”

Loss of a parent

Regardless of your age or the closeness of your relationship, losing a parent is never easy. Your mother and father brought you into this world. Losing one or both can feel as if the anchor to your identity has been cut and you’re left adrift in the world without them. Studies have found that we identify the loss of a father and mother differently. The death of a father is like a loss of personal mastery. Fathers instilled in us the strategies and tools to help us live and work. Losing a mother, however, is felt on a more visceral level because of the nurturing role they played in our lives when we were young. 

At night, you may find yourself lying in bed unable to sleep because your mind is flooded with thoughts. You may feel guilty for not spending more time with them, or grieve not having a better relationship with them. You may worry that you didn’t live up to their expectations. To calm a racing mind so you can sleep better, Dr. Wind suggests “incorporate breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga into your pre-sleeping routine.” Seeing a therapist can also help you process those hurtful thoughts and emotions.

Loss of a child 

Parents are supposed to outlive their children. Whether they are a toddler, teenager, or adult, when a child’s life is cut short, we are left grappling for understanding. The physical and emotional pain may be especially overwhelming if the death was sudden or unexpected. But even if death follows a lengthy and painful illness, there is little peace in losing a child. As parents, we are responsible for nurturing our children. When they die, you may feel as if you failed them. You may also feel as if you have lost a part of yourself because, quite literally, you have. 

The pain of losing a child can be so overwhelming, it may be difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You may want to sleep the rest of your life away. “Most times, sleep is preferred instead of dealing with the devastation,” says Dr. Reneé Sunday, an anesthesiologist and motivational speaker.

Losing a child is a traumatic experience, and you may need professional help getting through it. Studies show that parents who do not work through their grief are at an increased risk for long-term mental and physical health consequences. A study published in JAMA found that therapy that resembles treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was 25% more effective at helping people manage their grief than traditional therapy. 

Loss due to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a shocking and heart-wrenching experience. You may be struggling with guilt, anger, or confusion. You might ask yourself: “Could I have done something to prevent it?” Not only will you experience the physical and emotional symptoms of grief, you may also feel isolated. Many people have a difficult time talking about suicide and may not reach out to you because they don’t know what to say.

Guilt can wake you up at night, and painful thoughts of “what if” or “why” can keep you from falling back to sleep. You may even have thoughts of suicide. This is not unusual or uncommon. However, having these thoughts does not mean you will act on them. Keep asking yourself questions until you no longer need to ask, suggests the nonprofit SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education). Consider attending a support group for families who have been affected by suicide. Talking with others who know your pain can help you process your emotions. In time, you will be able to work through your anxious thoughts and get a good night’s sleep.

Loss of a pet

For many of us, pets are more than animals. They are beloved family members who fill our lives with joy and companionship. When a pet dies, the sense of loss you feel can be similar to losing a loved one. Some people may not understand your level of grief over a pet. They might tell you it’s time to “move on,” or that you’ll feel better if you get another pet. It’s not always that easy. 

If your pet slept in your bedroom or in your bed, you will sense their absence at night. Even if your pet slept in a crate or cage, you can still feel the void knowing they are not in your home. The absence can make it difficult to fall asleep. “It may help to sleep with a stuffed animal, article of clothing, or even a photo that reminds you of them,” Ogle says. And actively do things to heal your heart, like reaching out to others who have lost pets, holding a funeral, or ceremoniously scattering your pet’s ashes. Also, take care of yourself. Because in grief you are at greater risk for accidents, illnesses, and general aches and pains

Loss due to COVID-19

COVID-19 has created angst for many of us. But losing a loved one during a global pandemic can be devastating, especially if you were unable to say goodbye to your loved one in person due to efforts to stop the spread of the virus. You may have been faced with the decision to take your loved one off life support, a particularly difficult experience to reason with if your loved one was healthy before contracting the virus. 

You may lie awake at night, searching for understanding. Or wake in the night consumed with grief, anger, or anxiety. It is normal to feel overwhelmed with emotion, especially since social distancing can make it challenging to receive hugs of comfort from others. Find your own comfort by making your bedroom into a sanctuary, Dr. Wind says. “Make sure your bedroom is dark and at a cool temperature for sleeping,” and that your mattress and bedding are comfortable and supportive. As you work through your grief, sleep will come easier.

Sleep Tips for Grieving

Grieving isn’t a “one size fits all” process. Everyone grieves differently. And you cannot compare your mourning with another’s because it won’t necessarily look the same. Some of us cry, look sad and withdraw from others. Some of us grieve in private while trying to convince others we are fine. Still, some of us cope by staying busy, afraid if we slow down, we will have to face the pain of our loss. Many of us, however, suffer from sleep disturbances following the loss of a loved one. But there are things you can do to help you get a better night’s sleep:

Sleep hygiene and routine

• Sleeping/bedroom environment — Your bedroom should be a sanctuary only for sleep and sex. Use blackout curtains to block out light, set the thermostat at a cool but comfortable temperature, use a sound machine to block out noise and lull you to sleep.

• New mattress and bedding — Old, sagging mattresses can impede your best efforts to sleep. Consider a new memory foam, latex, or hybrid mattress that offers comfort and support. New mattresses also offer performance factors that traditional innerspring beds don’t like pressure point relief and spinal alignment to help reduce aches and pains.

• Exercise at appropriate times — Exercise is a great way to burn off stress and anxiety and to prepare your body for sleep. But don’t do any strenuous exercise within three hours of bedtime. Exercise releases endorphins, the “feel-good” chemical, that can overstimulate you and keep you from sleeping.

• Avoiding alcohol/drugs/stimulants before bed — Alcohol can make you sleepy, which may seem ideal when you have trouble sleeping. But too much alcohol too close to bedtime can make you wake up during the night and have trouble falling back to sleep. Coffee and caffeinated drinks are stimulating and if consumed too close to bedtime can keep you from falling asleep.

• Blue light exposure before bed — It may be tempting to look at your phone or watch TV to help you fall asleep at night. But these devices emit blue light, which blocks the body’s natural sleep hormone, melatonin, and thus interferes with your ability to fall asleep.

• Room temperature — A room that is too hot or too cold can make sleep downright uncomfortable. For most people a temperature between 65 and 72 degrees is ideal for sleep.

• Sleep schedule — Maintain a regular bedtime and wake up time can keep your circadian rhythm in check. The circadian rhythm is the body’s internal 24-hour clock that governs your sleep-wake cycle.

Relaxation techniques

• Meditation — Taking time to practice mindfulness or focus your mind on a particular thought or object can help clear your mind and reduce stress, and can ultimately help you sleep better. Meditation apps are a great resource for this.

• Breathing exercises — Breathing can be a powerful tool for reducing anxiety and can help you wind down before bedtime. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths, breathing in and out through the nose, allowing your belly to fill with air.

• Acupressure — Acupressure is based on the same traditional Chinese medicine principles as acupuncture to relieve stress, but it uses pressure instead of needles on certain points on the body. You can do acupressure on yourself by simply applying pressure with your fingers to the same points targeted by acupuncture.

Seek help

Grief is a deeply personal experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or seek out support groups where you can share with others who have experienced similar pains. If you are having an especially difficult time with your grief and time doesn’t seem to heal your wound, talk with a therapist or psychologist specialized in grief counseling.

Final Thoughts 

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss that can lead to sleepless nights. Insomnia and hypersomnia are common side effects of grieving. Just as the intensity of your pain becomes more manageable in time, so should your sleep. And as your sleep improves, so will your ability to handle your grief. 

If you need additional help, call the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

Charlotte Spence

Certified Sleep Science Coach

https://www.mattressnerd.com/sleep-and-grief/

Insomnia During a Breakup

There is an actual name for a broken heart: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This long-winded word means extreme stress from heartbreak, and it is a very real experience some people have to go through. 

Heartbreak is a living, breathing personal torment that most of us encounter at one point or another in our lives. The loss of love can present itself in a form so severe, the grief can leave room for many other serious conditions such as insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and even suicide or death.

 “It has been concluded that rejection and emotional and physical pain are all processed in the same regions of the brain,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW. “The experience of heartbreak is so potent that researchers have concluded that those who have recently been through a breakup display similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain.”

She continues, “I believe that heartbreak is one of the most emotionally grueling experiences anyone can go through.”

Such severe emotions no doubt have a profound effect on your sleep, when memories of happier times can creep into your mind and invade your thoughts when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. When you are moving on from heartbreak, sleep can feel like the enemy. 

For some, getting the sleep needed to heal is easier said than done, so we have some tips to help. 

Why Heartbreaks Make It Difficult To Sleep

There is a science-backed reason for why love is so addictive. Love increases the feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, but when we experience heartbreak, these hormones decrease, and we receive more of the stress hormone cortisol.

“Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of the hormones our brain releases when we become really attached to someone or something,” says Queensland Health. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by an area of the body called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. It is most commonly associated with the body’s fight-or-flight response.

It all has to do with your circadian rhythm. This is a 24-hour cycle based on periods of day and night when you are awake and at rest. Your body’s cortisol production is lowest around midnight and usually peaks in the morning, around 9 am or an hour after you wake up. You will still receive small boosts of cortisol throughout the day but nothing too prominent.

When you have too much cortisol over an extended period of time, it can lead to some unpleasant symptoms. Cortisol could be to blame for the anxiety and nausea you feel during a breakup, as well as any acne and weight gain. 

Short-term effectsTemporary effectsLong-term effects• Rapid heart rate
• Spike in blood sugar
• Rapid breathing
• Sharpened senses• Mood changes
• Digestion and metabolism changes
• Improved immune system
• Headaches• Acne
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
• Heart disease

For many nursing a broken heart, high cortisol levels are a leading reason why it’s so difficult to find sleep.

Research shows that when there is too much activity in the HPA axis, it can cause you to suffer from fragmented sleep, shortened sleep, or even insomnia. Sleep apnea is another example of conditions triggered by increased cortisol production. 

Stress and trauma are common causes of cortisol, but research shows that some extreme traumas can actually cause your cortisol levels to drop. To counteract an imbalance in cortisol, experts recommend a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables. Fish oil and ashwagandha supplements can also help, along with moderate exercise, meditation and deep breathing.

Insomnia and the stages of heartbreak

Heartbreak can pertain to two different types of insomnia: sleep-onset insomnia, which means trouble falling asleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia, which is when you have trouble staying asleep.

This can impact your sleep in different ways as you progress through these stages.

1. Question

Sometimes, relationships end without giving us the understanding we feel we need to process and move on. Many a restless night has been spent trying to find answers to the nagging question of, Why? It is an answer you may never receive, but it’s still reason enough to keep you up at night with rising anxiety.

1. Apathy

The absence of answers can lead to an overall feeling of apathy where you feel numb. It may be hard to feel anything at all, and you may feel like you are moving on auto-pilot. It is hard to get excited or muster up a ton of care about things, often because you are over-extended emotionally, and it can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep. Don’t worry, however, as this will pass. 

1. Anger

The next stage is anger. It’s only natural to feel more than a little mad as you work out the reasons why your relationship ended. You may feel angry at yourself, angry at your partner or just angry at the overall situation. Either way, the bristling anger and biting frustration can keep you up at night when you ought to be resting.

1. Grief

At the end of it all comes the grief. Regardless of whether your relationship ended on good terms, it marks the end of a period in your life. It can be especially difficult to deal with when your ex moves on quickly with someone new. Social media may also prove to be a torment as you sacrifice sleep to follow the latest in your ex’s life via Facebook or Instagram.  

While you mourn your loss, it’s very likely that you may experience insomnia or nightmares.

How To Get Better Sleep While Experiencing These Feelings

A heartbreak is a difficult thing most of us will experience in our lifetime, but it becomes a little more manageable with some strategic help. 

These are some things you can do to help you find rest easier each night so you don’t have to sacrifice your sleep while you are mending a broken heart.

• Leave your phone in another room.

Blue light from your phone and other devices can make it very hard for you to fall asleep at night. To keep yourself from reaching for the phone, and keep it in another room instead. This will also help you resist the urge to check up on your ex or walk down memory lane with old photos or messages.  

• Schedule time to be sad.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have time to be sad, but at the same time, you have to allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a major loss that requires time and space in order to heal, but well-intentioned friends, family, and colleagues may make that difficult to attain. Instead, schedule some time for yourself, so you have a chance to deal with your emotions privately before you continue about your day or night.  

• Take time for self-care.

When you’re going through a breakup, you’re not usually feeling at your very best. That is why it is so important to give yourself extra care and attention during this period. The better rested and taken care of you are, the better able you will be to defeat this heartbreak. Consider using some of our many self-care tips before bed to help you fall asleep and rest better.  

• Mind your exercise and nutrition.

When we go through a breakup, we tend to reach for items of comfort, and foods like ice cream, chocolate and fast food aren’t necessarily friendly on the caloric scale. Your exercise and nutrition can be one of the first things you stop worrying about after a breakup, but this is when they are more important than ever. By maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise, you not only protect your physical health but your mental health, too. In addition to that, a healthy lifestyle can also improve your sleep health.

• Sleep aids

There are several types of non-addictive sleep aids that you can use for improved sleep.

1. Melatonin

This is a natural hormone produced by your body that tells your brain when it is time to rest. You can naturally increase levels through a melatonin supplement, which can work as a sleeping aid to help you sleep better. It has also been proven to improve the quality and duration of daytime sleep.

1. Lavender

Lavender can be used in several forms to improve your sleep. You can use it as an oil to put on your pillow, or you can choose a lavender tea to sip on before bed. It has been shown not only to help you fall asleep, but also stay asleep longer with improved sleep quality.

1. Magnesium

Magnesium is a natural mineral that has been shown to help improve both brain function and heart health. It can also help quiet errant thoughts and relax your body, so you can fall asleep easier. Studies show that when you do not have enough magnesium in your body, you are at a higher risk for insomnia.  

1. Valerian root

This natural herb can help several different issues, such as anxiety, depression and menopause. You can use this herbal supplement to help improve the quality of sleep. Scientists continue to study the long-term effects, but it has been successful in helping many with insomnia.

• Journaling

Journaling before bed can be an extremely therapeutic way to record your thoughts and clear your brain before bed. It allows you a private place where you can safely express your thoughts about your breakup without fear of reprisal or judgment. Journaling is a fantastic way to purge your thoughts in a healthy way, so they do not interfere with your sleep. Some people actually find it very therapeutic to write a breakup letter but never send it, using the experience as an outlet to say all the things they wished that they had the opportunity to say.

• Reclaiming your space

After sharing a space with someone for so long, it can be very difficult to suddenly find yourself sleeping alone. The bed can feel too big, too cold, and too crowded from memories long past. Use this opportunity as a chance to redecorate and make your bedroom your own. Buy new bedding, or splurge on an all-new bed altogether! Some of the best mattresses can improve your sleep without breaking the bank.  

With a little creativity, you can turn your heartbreak into a celebration of self.

Bottom Line

There is no denying that the pain of heartache is very real. It can prevent you from finding the sleep that you so desperately need to heal from such a significant loss. Your body’s natural circadian rhythm can fall off course, and suddenly, you can find yourself battling insomnia while you also struggle to mend a broken heart.

“When you’re suffering from a broken heart, it can be very difficult to quiet down your mind, shut it down and get some rest,” says Ronald A. Alexander.

Sleep is an integral part of recovering from a heartbreak, but finding rest can be hard when the mind and heart weigh so heavy from a recent loss. The most important part is to establish a regular routine with healthy habits that will reinforce rest and relaxation.

https://myslumberyard.com/blog/insomnia-during-a-breakup/
Lauren Thomas, Sleep Ninja

Stronger Than You Think

The end of the year is universally a time for reflection over how we have interacted with the different aspects of our lives. With as tumultuous and uncertain this year has represented, it may feel daunting to revisit how things may have unfolded. For most, it is been a year of finding new meaning of existing and navigating our way through life. For me, it has felt more like being surrounded by glass walls where I can see exactly where I want to go, but instead ramming my face into the barriers this year has inadvertently presented.

It is easier to recall all the ways our plans have unraveled as the year progressed. We could have been excited to seek adventure in relationships, partnerships and collaborations. Perhaps we were looking for new friendships to join in on our explorations or focused more on learning new truths about ourselves at the start of this year.

I would like to present an invitation to join me in navigating ways that we have cultivated strength this year. It may seem as though most of this time has been the antithesis of growth and progression, and yet that depends on how we define strength. Personally, just surviving the year and meeting the crucial responsibilities to stay afloat when the environment around us seems to be frantically unraveling, is something I would label as strength. Dr. Niemiec shared the following five examples of strengths we often overlook and take for granted.     

·         Character strengths are capacities for thinking, feeling, willing, and behaving. They reflect what is best in you and can be viewed as part of your positive identity. The 24 strengths (e.g., fairness, hope, kindness, leadership) in the widespread VIA Classification are the best examples of this type of strength.

·         Talents are strengths that are innate abilities, which typically have a strong biological loading, and may or may not be well-developed (e.g., intelligence, musical ability, athletic ability).

·         Skills are strengths that are specific proficiencies developed through training (e.g., learning a particular trade; computing skills; researching skills).

·         Interests are strengths that are areas or topics you are passionate about and driven to pursue, such as playing sports, engaging in particular hobbies, and working with arts or crafts.

·         Values are enduring beliefs, principles, or ideals that are of prime importance to you. Values reside in your thoughts and feelings, not behavior. E.g., your value for family, your value for hard work.

·         Learning styles are ideas or hypotheses about how people approach new material, e.g., you might be reflective in how you learn a particular subject, or you might be more interpersonal in your style because you want to receive new learnings through discussion rather than reading.

·         Resources are the one type of strength that is external. These are your external supports, such as social and spiritual connections, living in a safe neighborhood, and being part of a good family.

These five types of strengths have propelled us forward to navigate our way through times where it felt as though we are standing on shaky grounds. No matter how little, they are still strengths that have been sprinkled in all our behaviors throughout the year. Each action IS a testament to your strength. Even the detachment from the dumpster fire that this year has been for some, is an example of the innate trust that you will survive the next disappointing but not surprising setback that’s been thrown at us.

Growth of character happens during the most challenging of times. Whether it is managing your mental health to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths of what I lovingly call the “shit ditch”, or creating time to be outdoors or active in a way we haven’t made time for it before, or detaching from external negative stimuli (Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys), or allowing grace and compassion for ourselves when things do not unfold as expected or planned and finally, perhaps we have now been able to turn down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where we feel we “should” be by now. 

Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where we are when it is not where you want to be is very uncomfortable. We tend to become a harsh judge of our stagnation or the time it is taking get to the end point.

Know that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal. Accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, we are then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures. 

Not all of the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all of the experiences will be heartbreaking. In this focus of even the smallest of moments, we can start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys we find. It is learning to love every new transformation in our becoming that makes existing beautiful.

Comparison: The Thief of Holiday Joy

The holiday season is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.  

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is reliable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

In an attempt at understanding where these patterns have possibly formed, think back on your childhood and how you or other members of the family were met at their return home from the day. Was the first experience of seeing a loved one enter the home met with warmth and hugs, a barrage of questions of whether the days expectations were met or was it a contemptuous feeling that seemed unsafe?  

If you’re overly cautious in romantic relationships, you may unconsciously be responding to your upbringing of a challenging relationship with a caregiver. Maybe you had an emotionally volatile authority figure who didn’t prioritize your needs, making you feel anxious and unworthy. Our responses to how we interact and engage in all relationships are based on the schemas we formed as a child.

Schemas are little blueprints of what certain things should be. If the authority figure in your life didn’t prioritize your needs, asking for your needs to be met will feel anxiety ridden and make you feel unworthy. Especially if one or both caregivers were physically or emotionally absent from your life. That feeling of abandonment would have left an imprint on your schema (life blueprint) that relationships and love are connected to loss.

These wounds can often go so deep that being hurt emotionally is all we know and what we have come to expect from a relationship. The understanding of intimacy becomes in response to being able to survive on our own. Therefore, caring for someone can feel scary and overwhelming when loving is associated with eventual pain.

We long for that emotional bond and at the same time, fear that they will hurt us and oftentimes, they do. When we give others the opportunity to decide who we get to “play” with in order to prevent being rejected or abandoned, that privilege then becomes entitlement. We hand over our power and become ensnared in the tug of war for autonomy and acceptance. Our setback comes from the dissonance between understanding a situation and knowing that just because we empathize with it, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it. Losing yourself in the process of loving someone else isn’t love. 

Those coming from childhood dynamics of hurt, rejection (not being worthy) or abandonment can result in adult relationships that manifest as further examples or symptoms of the same types of pain. We may be in situations where it seems as though it is a good partnership, then over time the person turns out to be codependent, needy or volatile. To others, they seem charming, and we are left wondering where we are going wrong.

Another example could be inadvertently connecting with those who are jealous, emotionally unstable, controlling or easily angered as though we are triggering the dark side in the people we care for. Alternately, those we love are emotionally unavailable and do not put in the effort in understanding us on a deeper level and investing in an equal and conscious way. We chase the love and approval in the hopes that if I love you hard enough, maybe one day you will love me the same way in return.

Remember, we unconsciously choose based on what we know, and if what we know of relationships are to be distant, ambivalent, or absent, we will gravitate towards that because anything else innately feels unnatural and as a result very uncomfortable. No one would willingly choose those who perpetuate our childhood wounds and this is not a deliberate choice you make or one that we willfully attract. It is not our fault, and therefore we cannot judge ourselves for acting on impulses we were not aware of.

On the flip side it is possible that we become and take on the characteristics of our wounds. We end up being the ones who struggle with emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability and end up pushing people away. We choose those who seem non-threatening and safe so that we are in control of how the relationship will unfold.

Identifying childhood dynamics allows us the power to be able to choose differently as an adult. It will continue to influence our view of relationships and how we naturally engage with partners, however, we can choose not to act on it and find another path of behaving. It is necessary to own these qualities and experiences from our past in order to understand how the pattern of relationships is formed. Love and commit to yourself first. Over time, the new behavior patterns will become less uncomfortable and unnatural while the healthy way of engaging will help the relationships grow and give new examples of how things can go well. Remember, the only person that can define your experience or existence is you.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.

Learning To Love Yourself

Self-love begins with inner-balance and peace. We have to recognize all the experiences, beliefs, and perceptions that make up who we are. They represent the different aspects of you, which must be brought into harmony in order to regain standpoint of self-love. We can heal any wound, and free ourselves from suffering whenever we choose to view our experiences through the lens of acceptance.

Do you have difficulty with truly loving yourself? Are you able to open your heart and be completely honest about who you are, and what you feel? Are you able to look at where you are at in life right now with tolerance and inner peace?

We have two elements that make up the personality- the rational and the emotive self. Some people attribute it to the masculine and feminine characteristics of what makes up our way of being. The rational self is the part that works in the "real world." The masculine or rational part of the self wants to mentally figure everything out with a logical explanation. The emotive self represents your emotional depth and capacity to feel and works in the realm of “what could or may be” rather than focused on the “what is”.

When a person relies heavily on the rational or masculine side of self, (yours truly ha-ha), they operate from a fear of the unknown and need control, protection, and balance. Status (where am I in the process), strength and reason become their primary focus to avoid situations that threaten their sense of value and security.

Alternately, those who fall more on the emotive or feminine side of self-have the goal of keeping the peace and safeguarding what they value even at the cost of themselves. They often feel too deeply and have a hard time being able to step outside the sensitive heart and therefore is often wounded. This leads to having no boundaries which always opens the person up to harm.

Without conflict, (boundaries, speaking your truth, asking for what you need) there can never be growth. Leaning on one side over the other deprives us on elements that make experiencing the world beautiful. We need the emotive (feminine) side of ourselves to experience depth, intrigue, connection, understanding and healing. The rational (masculine) side provides balance, protection, safety, and progressive movement.  

We need to integrate both parts in order to love yourself for without accepting all that make you uniquely you, there is no love.  You have to look down on the different parts of the self with compassion, acceptance, and perspective. This is how we foster inner peace. The "rational" self (male) must understand the real “emotive” self (female) to find peace and harmony. Make peace with your feelings by being honest about where you have come from and the experiences that have shaped who you are today. It is necessary to bare it all to yourself. Oftentimes we hide our true feelings about what we have gone through to avoid being overcome with the meanings they hold.

We fall out of harmony by attaching ourselves to only one aspect of our lives and losing the perspective of us as a whole. Ruminating with emotions too much we lose sight of the world's unlimited opportunities. Concern for status, safety or how we appear to others can bring an equal measure of suffering. Practice releasing feelings of inhibition that keep you covering things up to maintain an image of strength, competency, or resilience.

Today, it's time to love yourself and everything that makes you so beautifully you. Look on yourself with wise, accepting, compassionate eyes. We all have a past and some are more tattered than others. Every experience leading up to today has shaped and influenced how you see the world today. We cannot have a hatred or resentment for who we were before we knew how to be different. We couldn’t have reacted differently without the lessons we have learned since then, so don’t judge yourself based on the person you are now. Each transformation of self is another example of the wonderment that is you- the journey has just begun.