Designing The Life You Want

Your life is like a large blank canvas. Even with the limitations of where we are in life- with our background, financial status or education, life is waiting for us to create a masterpiece that depicts your heart’s desire.

This desire driven life can only be formed once we are very clear on what that would mean to us.

Despite your fears, nothing has been irreparably “messed up” yet. There is still time! Time to take the courageous journey toward what is truly fulfilling. The only caveat is, you must stop to identify what “fulfilling” is for you. If you can name your desire, you are on your way to creating it.

Are you clear on what you want out of life? If someone asks you what you want out of life, do you respond, "to be happy, or to be successful" without even knowing what that means for you?

Our sense of fulfillment is often paired with a sense of lack- as though something is missing. Perhaps what we are working towards is actually motivated by what we are running from.

For example:

Staying in this relationship is filling the emptiness in my life.  My work is filling the loneliness that I feel may engulf me. I am surrounding myself with a group of people who do not understand me, but at least I am not alone.

These examples resemble living your life from a place that is fear driven. Being afraid of the loneliness or the emptiness that’s there and using work or relationships as a distraction.

Do you think you've failed, or messed up with your life, and you that can't get it back on track?

Take the time to stop, think, and get clear about what feels as though it is missing. At times, it is easier to point out all the things that feel wrong or out of place than what we actually want to create. 

With that list of what feels as though it is missing, reframe the fear driven (what is missing and what we are running from) into a desire driven goal. 

In the previous example of staying in a relationship because it fills the emptiness, reframe that to say I am looking for elements of this relationship that makes me feel connected, seen and heard.

Think about the big picture value words first and then work on what that would look like in detail.

For me, I want a life that feels purposeful and one where I feel like there’s been a change for the better each day. I want to feel as though there was a point to today that was not just to fulfill my roles as a mother, entrepreneur, therapist or partner.

Now that I am clear on my objective, I can open myself to designing my day to meet that need in the specifics of how I choose to spend my day.

Today will be working with each client to help them find a new element of their psyche and cultivate their strength.

Carving out time to clean and organize my bedroom NOT as the chore that it can feel like, but rather with the focus that I will be able to create a tranquil space to retreat and read for a bit.

I will devote specific time or be mindful of the time in between sessions to be playful with my sons and give lots of encouragement and hugs to one while I focus on mischievous plots to throw socks or sneak up and pounce on the other.

I will reserve the last bit of the day before dinner to retreat into my bubble with a cup of tea and a book to pour back into myself and relax.

All of these things are examples of ordinary things that are purposeful and painting a picture of a day in the life I want to create.

Today, I am asking you to stop, overview, and think about where you are going. Is there something you still want to have, achieve, or be?

 If you act on what you truly want for yourself, you won't ever regret it. Acting in the face of fear proves your courage, which becomes confidence in being who you are.

Find what gives you a sense of purpose and go from there. It doesn’t matter what you do with life as far as a career path, social life, hobbies, or relationship as long as it is another reflection of your sense of purpose.

Wanting to "be happy" isn't clear enough. What does happy mean for you? What does that look like?

When you have your desires, clear in your mind, ask yourself, "Am I doing at least one thing today that contributes to achieving this for myself?

 If the answer is "No," don't beat yourself up. Get up and change it. Identify 5 actions that will help you take steps towards that goal.

You can still have all you want; you just have to be clear about what that is so you can make it happen.  

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

All We Want Is To Love And Be Loved In Return

One of our fundamental needs is to be loved. We want to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are. We wish to belong and know that there is someone there to walk beside us through our journey and that we are not alone.

For some, we are able to give our love freely and confidently, while for others, this yearning has become a pull to prove ourselves through our love.

As we grow, we form connections and associations with how we believe the world functions- our world view. In other words, we apply the “Shoulds” to people and situations in order to make sense of what is happening as well as what is acceptable to expect.  These associations are the underlying beliefs we hold about who we are and our place in the world.

What are some connections you have when it comes to the ways of loving someone? Think of IF, THEN statements when it comes to relationships.

For example:

If I choose to make a decision for myself, and I am happy, then it is coming at the expense of someone else’s feelings.

If I say that this friendship isn’t working, then I am a bad person for breaking their hearts.

One association I have struggled with is “If I love hard enough, they will eventually love me back”.

The way that I have come to understand love and loving people has been about giving them the love and acceptance I wanted for myself when I was a child that I didn’t get. I have come to equate loving with self-sacrifice. When I am giving someone else love, it is because I recognize the shadows in them that I have within. So, I pour all emotion, devotion, understanding and loyalty into them, and sit patiently hoping that one day they will be able to give it back to me.

The reason behind why I give in this way goes past the surface of I hope to get what I give in return one day. The secondary reason for this way of thinking is:

Without giving in this way: full-heartedly and often at the expense of myself, I feel as though there is not a purpose present (to help, to heal, to teach, to help them grow) and in return, I do not feel grounded and secure in my worth and what I have to offer.

So the first reason is because I know what it is like not to be fully loved and accepted, so I want to make sure they never feel it and the second, deeper reasoning is that I feel that I have nothing of value in just loving, that I need to prove this worth with how deeply I give.

When you haven’t had people in your life that made you feel like you have someone who will be there to walk through life with you, there remains a void in the realm of trust of oneself and of others.

This drive to prove our love and our worth leaves us depleted in having anything left to give to ourselves. Often times, it leaves us in a position where we avoid asking for what we need from others in fear of facing rejection or being seen as dependent and needy.

The cycle of giving too much and not having enough in return is not only exhausting, it reaffirms the deep-seated fear that we are not lovable or worthy of being loved.

It could just be that you can ask for what you want and need and recognize that it doesn’t make you a bad or less worthy person because your needs are not about the other person.

Your experience is just that- Yours. They are your own, and not attached to the experience of the other person. Their experience is based on how they see the world based on the life they have lived. You are not taking anything away from this person by choosing to do something for you. Whatever reaction they have to is based on where they are now in what they need for themselves.

The first step to changing this cycle is becoming aware of when it is happening and what it feels like for you.

Often, it is a pull to be rescuer/defender or its strong pull to be the child to be soothed.

When you feel this pull, give yourself a moment of pause to identify why it is there and what need is calling to be addressed.

The second step is learning what the shadows within you look like that you are recognizing in another that you are hoping to heal.

The final step is setting boundaries are creating a life reflective of all that is important to and surrounding yourself with those who are naturally able to provide those needs as they also share in those same values.

Over time, as you get to know yourself better and accept what makes you undeniably you, it will become easier to provide those needs for yourself and have those around you as support.

Remember, what you are contributing IS enough. Who you are IS enough. What you have to give IS enough.

Be confident in what you need and what you value. If it is not met here, it just means that this person is not part of your tribe. Allow yourself the love and acceptance you seek to make its way to you in all your relationships.

Hoping Things Will Be Different, Knowing That They Won’t

Ever find yourself going to the same person for something whether it be comfort, help or understanding even though there are numerous examples showing you that they are not able to meet this need?

It could be a friend, parent, partner, ex, or coworker, and we just keep going back to them and hoping things will be different this time.

Do you feel frustrated with yourself when once again, you are let down and you just cannot understand why they fall back on the same patterns even though you’ve expressed your need to them?

And yet, we still keep going back… Why?

The answer to this is twofold:

First, we all have fundamental needs from childhood that never go away. The basic needs, physical and emotional safety, acceptance, love and belonging, and having power and control over the course of our choices.

If we are to look back at our upbringing, this need that goes unmet, probably has its root from whether those needs were met as a child.

If we were hurt, did someone hold us and soothe our wounds, or did they tell us to toughen up and be a big boy/girl?

When we were confused about a choice that was made on our behalf and a limit was set, were our voices heard and respected, or was it more along the lines being told that we are to do as we are told and not to question authority?

All of these experiences, whether great or small, shape how we perceived our needs to have been met and here is the challenge- those needs are still there as a gaping void of what should be there.  

The Should’s I am referring to here are general expectations of how our needs are to be met. For example, our parents should be someone we turn to when life gets blown to pieces, our partners should be our source of support and encouragement or our friends should be there to listen without judgement.  

These Should’s are also an extension of our values that color how we perceive the world and those in it.

Going back to how we initially started this conversation of why we keep going back to the same people for elements of our needs that do not consistently get met is where the second piece of this puzzle comes in.

Because we all have these should’s, it is east to fall into the trap of the Golden Rule: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

In theory, it is a fantastic way to live your life in alignment with your values. The issue this becomes for some people is we believe that if we love someone hard enough, they will eventually love us back.

Replace love with any other behavior, and you can see the motivation is the hope to get these needs back.

So then the cycle continues of feeling frustrated, hurt and let down that they cannot meet our needs, validating the negative belief that if we mattered enough, they would give it to us and striving to meet more of their needs so that they will eventually recognize our worth and be there for us.

Often times, we work harder to meet their needs at the expense of our own mental, physical or emotional health.

We give until there’s nothing left for us because of the underlying fear of what the consequence might be. Our parents may be disappointed in us, our partners will think that they are not as important, our friends may feel rejected.

We feel this way more often than not and would never want to be the ones to be the cause of our loved ones ever experiencing this from us.

Ultimately, we fear that those we that mean so much to us, will not accept us as we are, and we will be rejected.

It is that fear of the consequences that leaves us trapped in this cycle.

It is EXHAUSTING! A lot of emotional energy is spent in this game of chess.

This dance of trying to figure out the motives or perception of those around you in order to behave in a way to be met with the least amount of consequences.  

If only it were as simple as recognizing this pattern of behavior and NOT doing it.

Changing roles is not the same as just deciding to do it. We have to allot for the shifts in mental capacity, physical adjustments, perception changes and emotional variations until all elements of your being is in alignment with the new change.

As I have mentioned before, these needs will not go away, and so, we have to start accepting that those we keep turning to just do not have the capacity to meet these as we need them to.

There is nothing wrong with what we need and how. That is part of what makes us as who we are as the color of our hair or the shape of our eyes.

The key is finding those who are able to meet these needs naturally.

Building a village of friends, mentors, co-workers, lovers, partners who can give these effortlessly because they are similar to their values.

It is not for us to change our needs, it is for us to recognize that we deserve to be treated in this way- in the way you are able to provide these for others naturally.

It is our responsibility to accept those around us for who they are instead of who we are hoping they may eventually be- just as it is our responsibility to ask for others to accept and respect us for who we are.

My friend shared this recently: Stop going to a Chinese restaurant for Mexican food.

I couldn’t stop laughing because it is so true.

Identify your needs, where they come from and why it is important to you.

Ask for them in that manner so those around you can understand your worldview.

Respect yourself and those around you if they are not able to meet those needs and build a village for your support system that is able to meet those needs effortlessly.

This will take time, and remember that we cannot hope for one person to stand for all of them. It is too much pressure on that person, and it is too much power to hand over.

Over time, as you get to know yourself better and accept what makes you undeniably you, it will become easier to provide those needs for yourself and have those around you as support instead of relying on them to meet these needs for you.

We are in a continuum of becoming, not on a journey with an end result.

Am I Doing Enough… Am I Enough?

When our sense of accomplishment and worth comes from what we are able to achieve and overcome during the day, it only makes sense to feel ourselves drowning in self-doubt and stagnation during this pandemic.

Who are you when all the titles and roles are stripped away? When you are no longer the top office performer, Pinterest parent or the well-traveled explorer?

There are narratives that we hear played on a loop of who we are and who we should be. These tapes began their tune early in our childhoods and continue with each passing experience and new belief.

If those messages of what we learned about ourselves are being reinforced by the same patterns of behavior, it is near impossible to rewrite those beliefs with new ones.

“They” say: Love yourself, Take Charge of your life and your future, Align your life with your passions!

Those are all fantastic aspirations and ones I hope to help all of you reach. But HOW do you get there?

It first comes down to being able to identify who you are, at the core of you, without all the labels we collect as we go through life.

I am a Bangladeshi woman, divorced, in my late 30s, fierce mama of two amazing little humans, entrepreneur, award-winning author, therapist, and homeowner. If you didn’t know any of this about me, and all these titles are stripped away, does my worth get wiped away as well?

What would you see when you look at me? When you get to know me?

What defines us as a unique individual is not determined by the roles we play; they are merely an extension of what already lies beneath.

The challenge is sifting through all the years of conditioning and getting to that part of what makes us who we truly are.

Let’s start with the narratives we tell ourselves about who we are, who we should be and what we aren’t measuring up to.

In order to do this effectively, we must be able to move through different dimensions of cognition and understanding of our perceptions. Here is what I mean:

I will ask you to write out all that you are feeling thankful or fortunate for from now going back a whole month.

For some, this list will sound something along the lines of being thankful for the love of friends and family, having a job, having a place to live, being alive and fairly healthy, if not a job, then thankful to be able to pay most of the bills and having the opportunity to look for a job, and perhaps even feeling fortunate to have access to fundamental needs such as food, safety and entertainment.

This list is accurate and correct AND is what I call primary or surface level perceptions meaning, they are non-descriptive, non-emotive reflections that are generic experiences.

My request to you is to go a bit deeper into your own unique encounters and give a detailed explanation of what you mean by the original examples.

If your list shared love of friends and family, what did that mean specifically to you? Did someone call or text to show support and that they miss you, did you get to share a meal where the memory is a wonderful moment to remember and cherish? Was there a carefree exchange with inside jokes that lifted your spirit for a time?

It is the WHY behind an event that gives it meaning.

By identifying the why, or secondary perception, we can then build associations of specific instances that bring forth joy or significance in normal exchanges. Through these associations, we can then create more moments that are in alignment with what we are seeking that gives our existence purpose.

By creating days with at least one of these meaningful experiences in all elements of our life- family, social, hobbies, spirituality, romantic endeavors, or self-growth- we begin to see that what we are contributing IS enough. Who we are IS enough. What we have to give IS enough.

Impostor Syndrome

When we have spent more time than not, judging and being critical of our own abilities, it is difficult to shed the cloak of uncertainty and inferiority. I have had these moments in just about all aspects of my life from motherhood, to my career to even my writing.

At what time in your life did you feel you were strongest? Do you sometimes forget you are still that same person?

Strength is not manifested by large displays of power, but by gentle, compassionate, self-directed corrections in the form of good decisions.

You are more powerful than you may give yourself credit for. Power in the sense of how you can choose the next steps you take.

We get stuck in ruts, and sometimes it feels that we can't change something because we've been acting that way so long that it is just part of who we are. But that’s just not true. It is difficult to go against your “natural grain” of what you’ve become accustomed to being, AND it is still possible to do something different.

Despite your fears, nothing has been irreparably “messed up” yet.

At times, the issue we are actually having is not the fear of messing up, but rather the lack of confidence you have in your ability to cope when the “failure” happens.

That’s where we behave in all kinds of ways to prevent ourselves from having to experience that original pain of the “failure”.

Make a list of these behaviors. Is it that you are holding yourself back from being vulnerable? Preventing yourself from letting go of a past grievance? Keeping yourself in the safe zone of work responsibility without taking risks?

By paying attention to the self sabotaging behaviors, we can make sense of what is keeping us from getting to where we ideally want to be.

Are you clear on what you want out of life? If someone asks you what you want out of life, do you respond, "to be happy," without even knowing what that means for you?

Make a list of the different aspects that make up your life. Mine include motherhood, career, family, social life, romantic life, hobbies, spirituality, and physical health.

With this list of the different areas of your life, I want you to then write a paragraph of what this one element looks like at the moment and then underneath it, write another paragraph of the ideal version of what you would like this area to reflect. Do this for the remaining aspects.

This will not only have you reflect on where you are now, but also paint a picture of what you are working towards. Our subconscious brains respond best to imagery and our conscious brains work best with a clear understanding of the path you are wanting to follow.

Remember, it is important to have your ideal vision reflect reality. For example: In my family aspect and my relationship with my parents, it would be amazing to be able to turn to my father for empathy and emotional support. However, I cannot list this because that is expecting a change from someone who is not me. Also, my father is someone to turn to for solutions and tough love, not empathy- that is NOT who he is, so to hope to find that in him, is self-sabotage.

Instead, I can put in my ideal version to have male figures in my life who provide emotional safety and empathy when I need that kind of support. Or, to work towards turning to my father only for the other kinds of support and being able to recognize and appreciate the forms of love and support he does provide.

Once you have gone through all the aspects of your life in this way, commit to taking at least one step towards any one of these elements through action. Just one in any one of these 6 areas every day in a conscious and mindful choice. This will affirm your strength.

Acting in the face of fear proves your courage, which then becomes self-esteem.

Write them down on a calendar or notebook where you can record your movement, great or small. You can also choose to incorporate a time you faced your fear and prevailed.

Every time you meet a challenge you are afraid of, and persevere, write it down. I prefer a calendar that I can go back to and see the specific day of what I did that brought me closer to the life I want to lead.

This is written proof that you can accomplish what you once thought impossible. It will be a repository of hard evidence, proving that you can handle the issue confronting you.

Remember that you have come so far and can go even further.

Most of us are being too hard on ourselves in the quest for self-improvement. Today, be kinder to yourself when taming the unruly parts of your experience. It is important that you aren’t just courageous, but that you are also respecting who you are and what makes you strong.

Look at this moment as a snapshot of where you are on your path and be present with your life and see it as it truly is before proceeding.

What do you love about your life currently? Can you name the moments that bring you peace? Which elements do you wish would change?

Accept your life and the lessons you currently find yourself learning. Breathe in the truth of your life at this moment and give yourself the grace to recognize where you’ve been, who you are now, and the person you are working on becoming.

It's Not You, It's Me

One of the most common arguments revolve around our needs not being met by those we love. Whether those needs are emotional, physical, verbal or in how we help. These needs come from our values that are formed in the early stages of development. As we continue to grow as people, we add to our list of values with each new experience.

Who you are, what you hold dear, what upsets you, and what underlies your decisions, are all connected to your personal values.

Your values reflect what is important to you.

They are a shorthand way of describing your motivations. Together with your beliefs, they are the causal factors that drive your decision-making.

The whole point of discovering your values is to improve the results you get in those areas that are truly most important to you.

Values act as our compass to put us back on course every single day, so that day after day, we're moving in the direction that takes us closer and closer to our definition of the best life we could possibly live.

In relationships, we connect through these values and that connection grows based on the experiences we have with these shared values that make us feel seen and heard.

When the initial excitement and novelty of getting to know one another wanes and the simplicity of daily existing takes place, this is where we start to see either the strengthening of this bond as the fluidity of coexisting based on these values fortify… Or this is where the rifts and cracks in the relationship start to make themselves known.

It all comes back to the core beliefs of what makes us who we are. There are things that I hold as pertinent and crucial in life, while the same value may not be seen as so in another.

I have learned over time that in relationships, it is important to be heard, but it is crucial to be understood.

Without comprehension of the values behind my world view, my needs cannot be met in the degree I would need them to be.

Say that there is the same conversation or argument that occurs more often than not in any given relationship, whether platonic or romantic. It has been discussed, the values behind the need expressed, consequences explored and even steps taken to alleviate the hurt.

If all these steps have taken place, and the issue still resides, what then?

When do I stop? When do I stop ruminating and with the analyzing? How do I stop comparing the things that are going well or okay as a way to negate the needs that are not being met?

How would you define the difference between dwelling and processing?

Processing is to understand the root of feelings in relation to me, my values and experiences.

Dwelling is thinking about the good times, only or the negatives only without looking at the full range of what is happening and what has happened.

A simple way to check is to ask yourself what’s the point?

Having nostalgia over the good times and not looking at the full picture of when it was not perfect is the scenario, what purpose does that serve?

One possibility is to affirm that the relationship meant something to the partner, and I was not as easily discarded.

The root of this issue is seeking validation of your self-worth.

By focusing only on the positives to make up for the negatives, you are hoping to shut out the side that speaks out against your worth. If they cared for you, these comments wouldn’t happen, these actions wouldn’t repeat, the rift wouldn’t be staggering.

Acknowledging these fears, holds a mirror to the wounds you carry within. Being faced with these feels daunting and uncomfortable which is why it is easier to put the focus on the other instead of looking within.

There are so many manifestations of the lack of worth. For example, it could be that you value this person so much, and in return they see you as a joke, or that their behaviors make you feel as though there is something missing in you and you do not feel good enough or… any other variations of negative beliefs you hold about yourself.

This is not necessarily because they do not care about you or that you do not matter enough. It is sometimes just that they cannot. It is not about you. It is who they are based on where they’ve been and where they are now. Their thoughts or actions or lack thereof are always from the experiences that have colored their lens.

It is not a blame game.

If they are showing you who they are, and you are choosing to stay, you are choosing this life with them as they are.

That doesn’t make their behaviors okay, it just means they are being true to who they are.

Often times we fall for the hope of their potential instead of accepting them as they are presenting themselves.

Just as we ask for our needs to be met and for us to be seen and accepted for who we are, we must also be willing to accept them for who they are, not who we are hoping for them to be.

Many times, we get transfixed by the moments of wonderment and deny the rest of the story.

When we have set a boundary and expressed the value behind them and the consequence that occurs once these values are violated, it is left to the person to respect them.

And if they don’t? What would you do?

The intent doesn’t matter. Well intentions do not take away from the consequence of the behavior. The cut was already made, the damage done. Setting these boundaries will help teach them how not to continue hurting you.

IF the boundary is met with a comment making you feel guilty, then it is gaslighting. How can you be the villain for being upset by something this person had done to you, even after setting a boundary for it not to be done to you?

If these situations continue and the cycle begins again after a period of time, it is up to you to say this is not working for me any more based on who I am.

It is not that they are a bad person or that they NEVER met your needs. It is simply that the needs met do not outweigh the ones that are not.

Be confident in what you need and what you value. If it is not met here, it just means that this person is not part of your tribe. Allow yourself the love and acceptance you seek to make its way to you in all your relationships.

You Live, You Learn, You Strive

To learn to love ourselves, we have to first learn to accept the full range of what makes us the human that we are. We are all unique in the sense that there is no other person like us out there. Who we are, what we have to offer, the way we would, with the essence of us-no one else possibly could.

In order to make strides towards becoming who we want to be, we must accept the experiences that has made us the person we are today. All the good, bad, fair, unfair, disappointments or moments of triumph.

Everything that we encounter, teaches us a lesson. Not in a divine sort of way, but more so that every experience teaches us something new about ourselves on what we like, dislike, abhor or wish more of, needing growth or finding pride in the growth we’ve made, where boundaries need to be set or where more grace should be offered.

How often do we look at challenges in our life and recognize it as the mirror that it is?

Our experiences are all reflections of something within us that we could learn from.

I do not mean that everything that happens should hold a silver lining. Sometimes sh*t just happens based on the choices that other people have made. Just because something happened that we could derive a message or lesson that can lead to growth, does not mean that it should have happened to us.

When there is an event that takes place, check in with yourself.

What are the thoughts that are coming up for you? Can you label 5 emotions related to the experience?  Once you do, try to come up with a separate reason for the different emotions. Then…

Own them.

Here is where the practice of giving yourself grace comes to play.

Allow yourself to recognize the entire experience with the thoughts and feelings associated with them and ask yourself, does it make sense to have these come up with what you’ve experienced in life up until now?

The answer is always yes.

Given what you have experienced and the beliefs you have up to THIS point in life, it makes sense that you feel the way you do.

We react the way we do to situations with our thoughts and feelings based on the life we have led up to this point.

It makes sense for someone who has been criticized regularly and made to feel inadequate at home/school/work or that their efforts do not measure up. It is understandable to feel self-conscious when interviewing for a new position even if they have been successful in the past or if they are more than qualified.

Just because they shouldn’t feel self-conscious or panicked doesn’t mean that they haven’t been conditioned to feel as such through the life they have had.

Accepting that it makes sense does not mean that you are accepting where you are now as your fate that this is where you will remain.

Even parents, friends or partners with the best of intentions can leave micro cuts on a person with what they have said and those wounds take a long time to process and heal on the subconscious level, even if consciously we know that they didn’t mean it.

The goal is to understand how and why we think the way we do; feel the way we do and react the way we do to then evaluate how we learned to become this way. Not to assign blame, but rather from a place of recognition and understanding.

Owning where we are when it is not where you want to be is very uncomfortable. We tend to become a harsh judge of our stagnation or the time it is taking get to the end point.

Know that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal.

Accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. Being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, we are then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures.

Not all the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all the experiences will be heartbreaking.

In this focus of even the smallest of moments, we can start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys we find.

It is learning to love every new transformation in our becoming that makes existing beautiful.

Coping When Life IS Unfair

One of life’s most valuable lessons, one that takes too long to accept, is that life is hard.

If we had our way, there would be no pain, things would go our way, we wouldn’t have to work as hard, and we certainly wouldn’t have to suffer. We get reality instead, a reality that tells us all too often that things are not fair and as Hal Urban said, “the world will not devote itself to making us happy”.

If we do not accept life as it is and face these challenges, it is impossible to be happy or content. Instead, we keep wishing for something that we will never get. If we accept and understand that life is hard, we can live more effectively and find solutions. It is this process of meeting our problems head on and looking for solutions that gives life its meaning.

Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow. We can begin to see that every obstacle is an opportunity to write our future, regardless of what the past has said.

Life can and will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either; for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the process of experiencing who you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

Grief is one of those experiences that feels like it could break you.

Grief is a stalker. It lurks in the cabinets and in the waiting room at the dentist’s and behind the switch on the hall light. It twines itself inside the click of pens and the heels of socks. Tea bags are infused with it, as are cereal boxes, computer games and the mail as it is slipped through the slot.

Contrary to reputation, it never looks drab; it doesn’t care about time.  It isn’t elegant. It isn’t easy or smooth. It rises with the sun and hides in the corners of fog. Surprisingly it prefers hello to goodbye. It shows up on the beach and frayed the nerves in the manner of a gunshot or a siren whizzing by. It is big, hairy, inarticulate, possessing just one word, why. It is brain freeze and sour lemons and a knife to the belly and a thrum-thrumming of the heart- combined.

Grief makes us clumsy. Always falling and attempting to rise.

An excerpt from The Painted Drum,  resonated deep within my bones. She wrote, “And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

When it comes to grief and loss, we have to be gentle with ourselves. Grief then coping comes and goes and the stages will not follow a particular pattern.

Do not beat yourself up when after a while of “handling your emotions”, you are slapped in the face with strife again.

Acknowledge what it is, accept it as natural and own the feelings.

Swim in the feelings until your fingers get all pruney.

Taking a stance of "grin and bear it" or "push through it" doesn't allow you to experience it, or reject what's happening either. It keeps you stuck, and you experience it all over again the next time a similar situation arises.

Remember that accepting where you are today, doesn't mean that you are saying it is okay to remain here indefinitely.

Understand that it makes sense for you to feel what you are right now based on the experiences that led you here, to this very moment. Give yourself the grace to feel compassion for your experience at the moment and where you are, knowing that you have the choice to start working through it again later on today, or tomorrow.

The definition of what is your best that you have to give yourself today is enough.

Only through the process of experiencing our struggles can we begin to heal. Through that healing, we can begin to experience the wonderment of being alive and to truly live.

To process fully you must first own your experience whether positive or negative. Allow the feelings to flow over you and let it embrace all of your being. Only then can you begin to make sense of why you are having these feelings, where they come from, and what to do with them next in a manner that is not pushing them aside or pretending they don’t exist.

Remember, it is your experience and no one can define it for you. Give yourself the permission to exist as you are while you are on your path to fully achieve what you are capable of becoming.

Playing Good Cop/ Bad Cop In Parenting: Does It Work?

All parents, I can confidently say, have fallen into the parenting trap of being the good cop or bad cop from time to time.

While married, I was typically the bad cop who enforced the rules, managed the schedules and basically the one on the front line of this wonderful battle called parenting; often leading to tantrums, tears and tumultuous attempts at consistency. Our lives reflected the imbalance of maintaining structure given that I worked while the children were at school, and he didn’t make it home until dinner was close to finished.

When their father came home, he was greeted with smiles and excitement because he was, by nature, the fun playful father or in other words, the good cop.

As you are reading this you may smile in recognition of these dynamics or eve roll your eyes in resignation if these are reflections of a part of your parenting regimen. Sounds harmless I’m sure, however, these polar dynamics can instill patterns in behavior that can become challenging in fostering and maintaining healthy relationships.

Parents are different people, so of course their relationships with their children will differ and that doesn’t have to mean better or worse. What can be a problem is when parents allow their children’s temporary preferences to solidify into unhealthy roles, such as “the nice parent versus the mean parent,” “the capable parent versus the inept parent”, or “the involved parent versus the uninvolved parent.”

These types of rigid roles hurt both parents and children.

In a well-functioning family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents, being the secure base of the family to avoid the “divide and conquer” dynamic.

This difference in parenting styles, on the surface may seem to be due to personality styles. I am “type A” and therefore am more comfortable in establishing and maintaining order, and he is… Not (hahahah) and therefore seems more carefree and energetic. In my experience working as a mental health therapist, things are never as simple as they seem.

Ask yourself, why do you need to maintain structure, when sometimes it may be OK to let it flow just a bit? Why do you need understanding and leniency when a bit of a reality check might be necessary for the child? What are the underlying beliefs about this way of parenting and where do you think they come from? What needs are we fulfilling in our parenting styles for ourselves?

Understanding this element of yourself and your partner could serve in a deeper connection, emotional intimacy and strength in your role as parents.

It is the manifestation and perpetuation of these rigid roles that leads to what is called Triangulation in family systems theory. Murray Bowen theorized that people’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to assure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in others’ conflicts.

In other words, a triangle creates an odd man out, while two are connected against one.

Bowen theorized that a two-person emotional system is unstable in that it forms itself into a three-person system or triangle under stress. They intentionally or more commonly, unintentionally create confusion as a means of controlling the situation in a passive way.

Triangulation or establishing this good cop vs. bad cop, can become unhealthy in families when it causes undue stress on the third party and/or when it prevents, resolution of the dyad’s conflict.

There are three components to triangulation:

1. Persecutor: This label describes an individual who attacks the others who are participants in the triangle.

2. Rescuer: This is a person either within the created triangle or outside the triangle that acts as a rescuer or someone who is the “saving grace.”

3. Victim: This label describes an individual who carries an attitude, in some situations (if not all), of “poor me.” While there are cases in which the person is the victim (due to how they are being treated by others), the triangle describes a person who creates a triangle in such a way that they become the “victim.”

In a family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents and in a well-functioning family, the parental bond needs to be the secure base of the family to avoid the “good cop/bad cop” dynamic.

It may seem innocuous; however, these roles can create lasting hindrances to individuation of the child and rift in the emotional safety of all parties.

Inconsistent messages from Mom and Dad can leave kids unsure of what is expected or appropriate. Plus, they feel guilty that their behavior has caused a conflict.

Having to always be the enforcer can make one parent feel resentful toward the other. This resentment can lead to a larger drift when one doesn’t feel respected or supported in the decision-making or carrying out of the consequences.

Not only that, arguments can strain the relationship between parents, and leave kids favoring one parent over the other or making them feel as though they need to be loyal and defend one parent.

The truth is, kids need both sides of parenting. They need love, they need fun. They need boundaries, they need freedom. They need silly, AND they need “the look” every once in a while.

A united front is so important for your children’s sense of security and safety and for your relationship with your partner. Be strong and stick to the decisions you made together, and everyone will know where they stand and thrive as a family unit.

Why So Anxious?

To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.

It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.

We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.

With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.

Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.

Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.

The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.

Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.

So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.

Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.

Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.

As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?

 Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.

Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.

For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.

The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.

Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.

We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.

When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.

Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.

Zero Motivation? How To Knock Out Your To- Do List

Some days,  it is difficult to get motivated to start the day just because it is cold and I do not want to get out of my fortress of comfort, surrounded by my pillows and loved ones. I do not want to be productive; I just want to stay there and snuggle and be happy and cozy. It starts around the fall time, because there are seasonal changes, and we as humans do not really do well with change. The adjustment period feels like a brick tied around my ankle, making it more and more difficult to feel motivated and be industrious.

As a therapist, I am expected to teach clients how to find motivation and it is most unfortunate to share with you that… motivation just does not come. I do not suddenly wake up one day and just say “you know that stack of insurance claims that I have to bill, oh I feel so motivated to do that right now”. Or how I have knocked over an entire row of bins in the garage that are now scattered around the floor and think, “oh you know what? Right now, seems like the perfect time, I’m so excited and motivated to go organize and clean it”.

That just does not happen. Not when these tasks are not in alignment with my immediate and prioritized values or when these tasks are in opposition to my state of being. Are there miraculous moments now and then where I do wake up and I’ve had a great night’s sleep and I’ll say “you know what? I think I’m going to work out this morning”? Yes! Now and then it does happen. But for the most part, the magical fairy dusting of motivation and the drive to accomplish is not present, especially if it is something you do not enjoy doing. Most of the time we get bogged down with all of these things that we “should” be doing. We “should” be exercising, getting up on time, filing those insurance claims, doing the work.

For some of us, they become these overwhelming blocks that just pile on our shoulders one after another until it feels like we are carrying the world on our shoulders. It feels heavy. That heavy burden could lead to giving up all together, saying “I just can’t, it’s too much, I can’t right now, so I’m just going to put it off and act like it doesn’t exist”. For others, these “should’s” fuel us to achieve and prove that we are enough, we are competent, or we are worthy of recognition. We work great under pressure, sure, but to the point where we are always in crisis mode.

Neither extreme of responding to “should’s” are healthy. Today I want to recommend that you take a moment, just a moment, to find your bearings, feel grounded; feel stable again.

When things are kind of going crazy, that sense of feeling frazzled can certainly lead to anxiety that stays with you the rest of the day. It makes you irritable, despondent and expels a lot of emotional/mental energy for something for an outcome that is ineffective because nothing is getting done- or so much has been tackled that your body is in the brink of shutting down.

So, take a minute and ground yourself. Sit down on the ground, literally, and close your eyes. Take a couple deep breaths, figure out where you are, listen to the small things in the background.

Do you hear the clock ticking? Do you hear your intake of breath? Do you feel the breeze on your skin? Notice the little nuances that go on around you?

Bring yourself to the present, to the moment. Take a couple of deep breaths. Is this meditation taking no more than 2-3 minutes? I suppose that it could be because it is mindfulness.  I know a lot of us do not really have the time to set aside, but just for a moment, especially when things feel so overwhelming, you can feel some reprieve. You deserve that moment, one that is just yours, where you can say “okay I’m here, I’m present right now, I matter right now”.

Afterwards, I want you to make a list with 3 different categories.

These lists make me feel that I have some semblance of structure and that structure calms my chaotic world.

So, in these lists, I want you to categorize a “HAVE To” list, a “NEED To” list, and a “Want To” list. The “HAVE To” list comes first because it is the easiest thing to get to. There are so many things that can go in there. But there is a difference between “I need to” and “I want to” and “I have to”.

Have to, today for example, I have to feed the babies in the morning. I also have to get them to school, I have to get to work, and I have to do my sessions. The other things that are on my list, for example, crumbs on the floor from their breakfasts, I do not HAVE to vacuum them up right this moment. Would I like to? Yes, because it is messy and that drives me crazy, and last night I spent 2 hours cleaning the floors. So yes, I would definitely like to sweep them up and feel that its clean again, but I do not HAVE to do that right this minute.

Time is very restrictive in the mornings for us anyways. The other thing I do not have to do today is go grocery shopping. It certainly can wait until tomorrow. Do I want it to wait until tomorrow? Of course not. But it CAN wait. I need to go, we need food for the weekend, but we have food in the pantry/ freezer and my kids will be okay. That is not something that has to get done right this minute. It needs to happen, but it can wait. There are so many things like this that can fall into this category.

Anything on this “Have To” list is crucial. Must be done and must be taken care of. The “Need To” list is items that have a leeway of a few days.

Now the “Want To” list, that is the fun part. Yes, the fact that I knocked over those bins while trying to get the Halloween decorations down and now Christmas stuff is on the floor in my garage… do I absolutely want to get that taken care of? YES, it drives me bananas that my garage, or my kitchen, or my house is like that, but those are “want to’s”. I want to get them done.

When there is so much to take care of, we have to give ourselves the grace to let some things go.

I am a single mom, running a tiny universe that I have created for myself with my practice, kids and my books. I have so much on my plate, that it is no longer a plate- it is a platter. At this moment, my platter is overflowing, and things are falling off because I put so much on myself, willingly.

Instead of falling apart internally, mentally, emotionally, or physically, I can start to feel like I am in control of some of it just by starting to sort them and tackling them one at a time. One list at a time.

The most important lesson here is not “don’t put so much on your plate” (I mean I would love to do that, I would totally live by that advice, but I don’t) but “to give yourself some grace”.

You are not superhuman. As much as I would love to be wonder woman, I am not. I am human. AND THAT’S NORMAL. Let me repeat that. IT’S NORMAL.

It is normal to be human, to be tired, to not feel motivated, to just want to crawl under the covers and say, “I don’t want to deal with all of this today”. Give yourself some grace, give yourself a moment, and offer love to yourself for what you have managed for today.

Shouldn't Hold On, But Can't Let Go

Ever wonder why a person who is not healthy or good for your mental health, is still the person you cannot seem to let go?

You are a person of sound mind and seemingly justified in your rational decision-making skills and yet when it comes to this one person, it seems as though all logic dissipates and you are a version of yourself that you cannot comprehend or recognize.

Is it that person that is ultimately worth more than yourself?

Do me a favor and blurt out the first 5 things that were “wrong” or less than perfect in this relationship or in your interactions with this person …

Was that difficult? Perhaps it was difficult not to accept the challenges you faced in how you were treated or how your needs were not met. Did you find yourself justifying what happened to make it okay?

Perhaps it was simple to list out all the ways it was not a good fit based on what is important to you and what you need out of those you devote your time and energy to.

No matter which of these categories you fall into, the question still remains: Why are you still holding on to this person? What is it about them that makes them so important that it is etched into your psyche?

What do they represent?

Often times, it is not the person themselves that we grow attached to, rather it is the way this person made you feel.

It could be that your scars matched theirs, or that they accepted you with your shadows.  Possibly, it was that you felt emotionally safe in their presence as you have not with others before. Could it be that you were allowed to show a truer version of yourself to this person without consequence? Or simply that you felt the freedom to work towards reaching a higher potential with their support. Perhaps, the experiences shared were ones you never knew existed before this person came around.

We create and shape our world view based on the experiences that we have. Your worldview is how you perceive the world and place a value judgement on the “should’s” of life. It is an interconnected puzzle system of values that feeds into your belief of how the world works or should work.

Our values are also shaped based on the early childhood experiences whether these were principles that were modeled for you and held as sacred or experiences that were lacking while you were growing up.

Take protection as a value for example. If you were brought up by those who were true advocates and fought for the wellbeing of other individuals and vehemently defended the safety of those around them, it is likely that you would hold that as your value as well. On the flip side of that same coin, if you were one who was not protected and did not have anyone to rely on to come to your aid in a prominent experience, you could also have a strong value to protect and defend others, as you would have wished that someone would have for you.

Both of these examples of what became a value and the reason behind it, colors the lens of how you perceive the world “should” be.

If you are a person who did not have the feeling that someone had your back no matter what, when you encounter a person who is loyal and protective of you, it leaves an imprint on your heart that isn’t so easily wiped away.

So, think back on this person that you are having a hard time letting go. What is it about them, these values they represented, that captured your heart? Who did this person remind you of? What is it about this person that you fear you will never be able to find again? Which experiences with this person are you grieving?

Those are the reasons they still have a grasp on your heart, mind, and soul. It is not always the person they are, but rather all these ideals that they encapsulated.

When Your Intuition Says No, But Your Insecurity Says Yes!

Why We Chase Approval

Ever find yourself pining after and seeking the approval of those who may not truly influence your day-to-day existence, whether it be a coworker, colleague, acquaintance or someone you recently started dating? Thanks to the multitude of positive memes and quotes, we are able to recite that our worth does not reflect on the other's ability to notice it, and yet there is this pull to convince them that they are wrong in their judgement of us.

If you are living your life to the best capacity of who you are at the moment, why do they matter? Why do we continue to defend our versions of the truth in hopes that seemingly and ultimately unimportant passersby hold their views of us in positive regards?

This internal difficulty in shedding the need to seek approval comes from the lack of belief we have in our own intrinsic worth. We have a hard time believing that we are competent, accomplished, that we have something of value to offer in our work, that we are beautiful as we are, that we are enough, or any multitude of these messages and therefore, we seek the approval in order to validate that part of us that wasn't nurtured through childhood.

When we go through life from early childhood with the condition that if we do this... then we are__________, we struggle to foster intrinsic sense of value and worth.

Take a moment and do a quick recap of how you grew to know that you are smart, or helpful, or attractive.

As children, we crave the attention of our parents or caregivers to fill our love bucket. Through creative drawing, school work, building something or perhaps even making sure to help clean up or take care of something, so they would not have to.

We mold our understanding of our worth based on the ever powerful statement, "Good Girl/ Good Boy!" and begin internalizing these messages of IF we are _______, then we are _______ (fill in your choice of validation)

As we continue our growth as adolescence into adulthood, we then transfer these beliefs into what we expect to give and hope to find in our love life. We may find distant partners alluring because their dismissive or lackluster interest is a challenge for our ego …

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us because it feeds that part of us that still feels like we have something to prove. Prove we’re lovable, important, valued or worthy. We may then take that to another level and hope that we matter enough to where we can change someone’s mind or behavior.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s not able or willing to meet our needs as we give to them, it is because our inner-child is hurting deeply and fears being alone. Any time spent chasing someone to give us this acceptance, there’s an unmet internal need for love and belonging toward our inner-child.

After all, Love is simply seeking the desire to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished for being all that we are without consequence.

We are all going to have days when we show up as the worst version of ourselves. But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is there for us; who loves us on the hard days and upon whom we know it is safe to rely and depend on.

Allowing anything less is giving power to someone else who will reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you. Triggering all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding emotional intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern …one you learned early on in life. Healing occurs as you sever your attraction and comfort of shadow relationships (the symbolic need to prove your worth to others) and move toward practicing how to let healthy love in.

Where do you start? We start this process of healing by recognizing these internal messages surrounding love, acceptance and worth. Learning the source of these patterns is not meant to assign blame to our early childhood caregivers as they were probably doing the best that they knew to do at that time. It is simply to gain understanding and knowledge of where these patterns came from.

By acknowledging how and why these messages came to be, we can work towards rewriting those messages and intentionally working towards walking away from those who offer less than what we all need to feel cared for and valued.

No matter what we strive for in life, our first responsibility is to understand how we came to be the way we are, and taking small steps to work towards whom we wish to become. Only when we heal the internal dialogue can we learn to love others and receive the same kind of healthy love in return.

What IS the Big Deal?

Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Conflicts

In my work with couples, a common theme is that they are having the same fights over and over again. Typically, these arguments are not serious in nature, yet, over years of having the same disputes, the emotional intimacy begins to break down.

What is emotional intimacy?

It is the ability to be vulnerable and NOT have that vulnerability be met with a consequence. You see this among old friends in which you can reveal all your crazy, and they love and accept you anyway and typically laugh along with you about it.

Think about when you first met and the months that followed. You were excited to speak to them and share your thoughts and experiences and ideologies and that connection was magical. That connection is the beginning of romantic love and emotional intimacy. THAT is the secret to lasting relationships.  That connection and safety in being seen and heard for who you are.

Fast forward a few years, and the mundane chore of co-existing could begin to chip away at that connection and you find yourself not turning as often to one another for that support and emotional or intellectual intimacy.

Ah! If I could tell you the intensity behind my argument with my partner about the trash! Once a week, the trash is to be dragged to the end of the driveway to be picked up. I make sure what needs to be out of the house is out and the only responsibility of my partner… is to take it out of the garage and leave it to be picked up.

I wake up, get the babies ready for school, get dressed for the day at work and don the stilettos. On a good day, I am running and stumbling with the book bags and lunches and my purse and their shoes and don’t impale the cats as I run through the door to the car and see that the kids are not tardy today! And as I am pulling out… there’s the garbage bin, still on the side of the house.

Let’s imagine the colorful phone call he is about to receive. I relay the message for the 50th time that this is the only thing I need him to do on Tuesdays!! He responds back with fervent apologies and two options, either take out the trash myself (in my stilettos), or just leave it for next week, it’s not that big of a deal, and he is tired of the nagging. The argument then escalated in a passionate attempt to be heard and understood by both parties.

Understanding the problem

This is where my job as the therapist (mediator and referee) becomes very difficult. Is it really about the trash? Would it be that he really doesn’t care, or he is lazy? Could it be about rigidity?

In all situations, there are two perspectives and both are accurate- let me say that again- both are accurate in their limited perceptions of the truth. The only way to overcome this particular obstacle and have any hope of keeping the connection intact is to try to understand what is behind the reaction of your partner.

What is the big deal?

The goal is not to just listen to generate your immaculate retort or to disintegrate their stance and justify your own. It is to genuinely comprehend what is behind the negative response and why they consider it a violation of their value.

All negative responses occur as a result of a value that is perceived to have been violated. In this case, it is not the trash (albeit, it is literally full of feces, whether from a diaper or from the cats and will furthermore increase in intensity of foul odors if left for another week). It is about reliability and dependability.

I am one who can do anything on my own if I needed to. I was to trust that I am not alone in this relationship and that I am able to rely on my partner and that he will follow through on his words because he is dependable. Those are the values when violated, will trigger a negative response; in this case and in ANY circumstance that I feel these values are not met. That’s how values work.

From his perspective, he was running late and feels overwhelmed with his other responsibilities and therefore he needs understanding and compassion from his partner.

When assessed in this manner, are either party actively intending to minimize or dismiss the importance of the other? Absolutely not. Without the understanding of what is hidden under the conflict, this conflict will ensue and will manifest in a multitude of different circumstances and the result will be the same.

Take the time to ask yourself and your partner, NOT what is the big deal, rather Why is this a big deal.