Zero Motivation? How To Knock Out Your To- Do List

Some days,  it is difficult to get motivated to start the day just because it is cold and I do not want to get out of my fortress of comfort, surrounded by my pillows and loved ones. I do not want to be productive; I just want to stay there and snuggle and be happy and cozy. It starts around the fall time, because there are seasonal changes, and we as humans do not really do well with change. The adjustment period feels like a brick tied around my ankle, making it more and more difficult to feel motivated and be industrious.

As a therapist, I am expected to teach clients how to find motivation and it is most unfortunate to share with you that… motivation just does not come. I do not suddenly wake up one day and just say “you know that stack of insurance claims that I have to bill, oh I feel so motivated to do that right now”. Or how I have knocked over an entire row of bins in the garage that are now scattered around the floor and think, “oh you know what? Right now, seems like the perfect time, I’m so excited and motivated to go organize and clean it”.

That just does not happen. Not when these tasks are not in alignment with my immediate and prioritized values or when these tasks are in opposition to my state of being. Are there miraculous moments now and then where I do wake up and I’ve had a great night’s sleep and I’ll say “you know what? I think I’m going to work out this morning”? Yes! Now and then it does happen. But for the most part, the magical fairy dusting of motivation and the drive to accomplish is not present, especially if it is something you do not enjoy doing. Most of the time we get bogged down with all of these things that we “should” be doing. We “should” be exercising, getting up on time, filing those insurance claims, doing the work.

For some of us, they become these overwhelming blocks that just pile on our shoulders one after another until it feels like we are carrying the world on our shoulders. It feels heavy. That heavy burden could lead to giving up all together, saying “I just can’t, it’s too much, I can’t right now, so I’m just going to put it off and act like it doesn’t exist”. For others, these “should’s” fuel us to achieve and prove that we are enough, we are competent, or we are worthy of recognition. We work great under pressure, sure, but to the point where we are always in crisis mode.

Neither extreme of responding to “should’s” are healthy. Today I want to recommend that you take a moment, just a moment, to find your bearings, feel grounded; feel stable again.

When things are kind of going crazy, that sense of feeling frazzled can certainly lead to anxiety that stays with you the rest of the day. It makes you irritable, despondent and expels a lot of emotional/mental energy for something for an outcome that is ineffective because nothing is getting done- or so much has been tackled that your body is in the brink of shutting down.

So, take a minute and ground yourself. Sit down on the ground, literally, and close your eyes. Take a couple deep breaths, figure out where you are, listen to the small things in the background.

Do you hear the clock ticking? Do you hear your intake of breath? Do you feel the breeze on your skin? Notice the little nuances that go on around you?

Bring yourself to the present, to the moment. Take a couple of deep breaths. Is this meditation taking no more than 2-3 minutes? I suppose that it could be because it is mindfulness.  I know a lot of us do not really have the time to set aside, but just for a moment, especially when things feel so overwhelming, you can feel some reprieve. You deserve that moment, one that is just yours, where you can say “okay I’m here, I’m present right now, I matter right now”.

Afterwards, I want you to make a list with 3 different categories.

These lists make me feel that I have some semblance of structure and that structure calms my chaotic world.

So, in these lists, I want you to categorize a “HAVE To” list, a “NEED To” list, and a “Want To” list. The “HAVE To” list comes first because it is the easiest thing to get to. There are so many things that can go in there. But there is a difference between “I need to” and “I want to” and “I have to”.

Have to, today for example, I have to feed the babies in the morning. I also have to get them to school, I have to get to work, and I have to do my sessions. The other things that are on my list, for example, crumbs on the floor from their breakfasts, I do not HAVE to vacuum them up right this moment. Would I like to? Yes, because it is messy and that drives me crazy, and last night I spent 2 hours cleaning the floors. So yes, I would definitely like to sweep them up and feel that its clean again, but I do not HAVE to do that right this minute.

Time is very restrictive in the mornings for us anyways. The other thing I do not have to do today is go grocery shopping. It certainly can wait until tomorrow. Do I want it to wait until tomorrow? Of course not. But it CAN wait. I need to go, we need food for the weekend, but we have food in the pantry/ freezer and my kids will be okay. That is not something that has to get done right this minute. It needs to happen, but it can wait. There are so many things like this that can fall into this category.

Anything on this “Have To” list is crucial. Must be done and must be taken care of. The “Need To” list is items that have a leeway of a few days.

Now the “Want To” list, that is the fun part. Yes, the fact that I knocked over those bins while trying to get the Halloween decorations down and now Christmas stuff is on the floor in my garage… do I absolutely want to get that taken care of? YES, it drives me bananas that my garage, or my kitchen, or my house is like that, but those are “want to’s”. I want to get them done.

When there is so much to take care of, we have to give ourselves the grace to let some things go.

I am a single mom, running a tiny universe that I have created for myself with my practice, kids and my books. I have so much on my plate, that it is no longer a plate- it is a platter. At this moment, my platter is overflowing, and things are falling off because I put so much on myself, willingly.

Instead of falling apart internally, mentally, emotionally, or physically, I can start to feel like I am in control of some of it just by starting to sort them and tackling them one at a time. One list at a time.

The most important lesson here is not “don’t put so much on your plate” (I mean I would love to do that, I would totally live by that advice, but I don’t) but “to give yourself some grace”.

You are not superhuman. As much as I would love to be wonder woman, I am not. I am human. AND THAT’S NORMAL. Let me repeat that. IT’S NORMAL.

It is normal to be human, to be tired, to not feel motivated, to just want to crawl under the covers and say, “I don’t want to deal with all of this today”. Give yourself some grace, give yourself a moment, and offer love to yourself for what you have managed for today.

Shouldn't Hold On, But Can't Let Go

Ever wonder why a person who is not healthy or good for your mental health, is still the person you cannot seem to let go?

You are a person of sound mind and seemingly justified in your rational decision-making skills and yet when it comes to this one person, it seems as though all logic dissipates and you are a version of yourself that you cannot comprehend or recognize.

Is it that person that is ultimately worth more than yourself?

Do me a favor and blurt out the first 5 things that were “wrong” or less than perfect in this relationship or in your interactions with this person …

Was that difficult? Perhaps it was difficult not to accept the challenges you faced in how you were treated or how your needs were not met. Did you find yourself justifying what happened to make it okay?

Perhaps it was simple to list out all the ways it was not a good fit based on what is important to you and what you need out of those you devote your time and energy to.

No matter which of these categories you fall into, the question still remains: Why are you still holding on to this person? What is it about them that makes them so important that it is etched into your psyche?

What do they represent?

Often times, it is not the person themselves that we grow attached to, rather it is the way this person made you feel.

It could be that your scars matched theirs, or that they accepted you with your shadows.  Possibly, it was that you felt emotionally safe in their presence as you have not with others before. Could it be that you were allowed to show a truer version of yourself to this person without consequence? Or simply that you felt the freedom to work towards reaching a higher potential with their support. Perhaps, the experiences shared were ones you never knew existed before this person came around.

We create and shape our world view based on the experiences that we have. Your worldview is how you perceive the world and place a value judgement on the “should’s” of life. It is an interconnected puzzle system of values that feeds into your belief of how the world works or should work.

Our values are also shaped based on the early childhood experiences whether these were principles that were modeled for you and held as sacred or experiences that were lacking while you were growing up.

Take protection as a value for example. If you were brought up by those who were true advocates and fought for the wellbeing of other individuals and vehemently defended the safety of those around them, it is likely that you would hold that as your value as well. On the flip side of that same coin, if you were one who was not protected and did not have anyone to rely on to come to your aid in a prominent experience, you could also have a strong value to protect and defend others, as you would have wished that someone would have for you.

Both of these examples of what became a value and the reason behind it, colors the lens of how you perceive the world “should” be.

If you are a person who did not have the feeling that someone had your back no matter what, when you encounter a person who is loyal and protective of you, it leaves an imprint on your heart that isn’t so easily wiped away.

So, think back on this person that you are having a hard time letting go. What is it about them, these values they represented, that captured your heart? Who did this person remind you of? What is it about this person that you fear you will never be able to find again? Which experiences with this person are you grieving?

Those are the reasons they still have a grasp on your heart, mind, and soul. It is not always the person they are, but rather all these ideals that they encapsulated.

When Your Intuition Says No, But Your Insecurity Says Yes!

Why We Chase Approval

Ever find yourself pining after and seeking the approval of those who may not truly influence your day-to-day existence, whether it be a coworker, colleague, acquaintance or someone you recently started dating? Thanks to the multitude of positive memes and quotes, we are able to recite that our worth does not reflect on the other's ability to notice it, and yet there is this pull to convince them that they are wrong in their judgement of us.

If you are living your life to the best capacity of who you are at the moment, why do they matter? Why do we continue to defend our versions of the truth in hopes that seemingly and ultimately unimportant passersby hold their views of us in positive regards?

This internal difficulty in shedding the need to seek approval comes from the lack of belief we have in our own intrinsic worth. We have a hard time believing that we are competent, accomplished, that we have something of value to offer in our work, that we are beautiful as we are, that we are enough, or any multitude of these messages and therefore, we seek the approval in order to validate that part of us that wasn't nurtured through childhood.

When we go through life from early childhood with the condition that if we do this... then we are__________, we struggle to foster intrinsic sense of value and worth.

Take a moment and do a quick recap of how you grew to know that you are smart, or helpful, or attractive.

As children, we crave the attention of our parents or caregivers to fill our love bucket. Through creative drawing, school work, building something or perhaps even making sure to help clean up or take care of something, so they would not have to.

We mold our understanding of our worth based on the ever powerful statement, "Good Girl/ Good Boy!" and begin internalizing these messages of IF we are _______, then we are _______ (fill in your choice of validation)

As we continue our growth as adolescence into adulthood, we then transfer these beliefs into what we expect to give and hope to find in our love life. We may find distant partners alluring because their dismissive or lackluster interest is a challenge for our ego …

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us because it feeds that part of us that still feels like we have something to prove. Prove we’re lovable, important, valued or worthy. We may then take that to another level and hope that we matter enough to where we can change someone’s mind or behavior.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s not able or willing to meet our needs as we give to them, it is because our inner-child is hurting deeply and fears being alone. Any time spent chasing someone to give us this acceptance, there’s an unmet internal need for love and belonging toward our inner-child.

After all, Love is simply seeking the desire to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished for being all that we are without consequence.

We are all going to have days when we show up as the worst version of ourselves. But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is there for us; who loves us on the hard days and upon whom we know it is safe to rely and depend on.

Allowing anything less is giving power to someone else who will reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you. Triggering all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding emotional intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern …one you learned early on in life. Healing occurs as you sever your attraction and comfort of shadow relationships (the symbolic need to prove your worth to others) and move toward practicing how to let healthy love in.

Where do you start? We start this process of healing by recognizing these internal messages surrounding love, acceptance and worth. Learning the source of these patterns is not meant to assign blame to our early childhood caregivers as they were probably doing the best that they knew to do at that time. It is simply to gain understanding and knowledge of where these patterns came from.

By acknowledging how and why these messages came to be, we can work towards rewriting those messages and intentionally working towards walking away from those who offer less than what we all need to feel cared for and valued.

No matter what we strive for in life, our first responsibility is to understand how we came to be the way we are, and taking small steps to work towards whom we wish to become. Only when we heal the internal dialogue can we learn to love others and receive the same kind of healthy love in return.