Healing Yourself By Healing Your Body

Written By: Erika Barrera

We often imagine healing to be a magical, linear process. However, true healing

holistically combines the wellness of the mind, heart, and body, and that can take a

lot of hard work.

Understanding how the three are intertwined may be difficult, but the link between

body and mind has actually been scientifically proven by studies around the world.

The PAAH cites international programs that have revealed how physical activity

guidelines can reduce onset, incidence, and severity of depression, while also

mitigating stress and anxiety.

How does this happen? Let’s take a closer look at the connections.

Mental and physical health

Survivors have long faced the stigma that trauma can simply be resolved by a

stronger mentality. Only after years of passionate lobbying and scientific discoveries

has society recognized the deeper connection between mental and physical health,

and how mental stress can literally make our bodies sick.

Trauma is the result of several biochemical reactions in the body. This thankfully also

means that healing can be a matter of undoing these biochemical reactions through

a range of options.

Exercise and mental health

We can start with movement. Exercise induces an increase in blood circulation to the

brain. This influences the HPA axis, affecting the control centers of motivation and

mood such as the limbic system or the amygdala. Scientists posit that this is how

exercise affects the physiologic reactivity to stress.

As your lung capacity increases through exercise, along with your muscles’

endurance, your body will tire less easily. This helps improve your mood, while

increasing mental alertness and also allowing you to get better sleep.

Of course, exercise isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. For example, exercise programs

by Verywell Mind consider how people with PTSD may associate the bodily arousal of

exercise with anxiety. However, a well-thought-out program that builds over the

course of 12 weeks or more can lead to a significant decrease in this and similar

symptoms.

Healthy eating for a healthy mind

Traumatic experiences can also have direct gastrointestinal effects. Trauma affects

your body’s microbiome, and can even damage your small intestine, leading to a

difficulty absorbing nutrients.

It’s easy to rely on comfort meals that are sugary, fatty, or salty, for the rush of

serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins. However, trauma specialist Dr. Gordon’s

motivation to skip these meals comes from the fact that these are short-term gains.

The long-term downside of leaving trauma unaddressed actually manifests in a

severe drop of these neurotransmitters, while the primary stress hormone cortisol

increases.

This can result in a greater reliance on unhelpful food choices. That’s why it’s best to

focus on diets that are packed with nutrients and good bacteria that improve overall

health, such as whole foods, organic foods, and omega-3 fatty acids.

Once again, Dr. Gorden recommends a balanced approach to making dietary

changes: not through rigidity, but via a healthy direction. This is echoed by nutrition

and behavioral scientists, registered dieticians, and the clinical researchers who

created the individualized weight loss plans on WeightWatchers. Everyone’s bodies

and experiences are different, and we each have unique needs, budgets, and even

tastes that need to be taken into consideration.

Focusing on individual needs ensures that your diet is specifically tailored to your

health, and supplemented by exercise that can alleviate symptoms such as low self-

esteem and social withdrawal.

The importance of lifestyle choices

Traumatic experiences may be out of our control, but the power to heal ourselves

lies with us. Healing must start with a conscious choice.

Fortunately, even simple acts like taking one step outside to eating one healthy

snack can be part of the Finding Confidence program. As discussed previously,

healing cannot be found in the same environment that broke you, but in the journey

to a new environment.

You can start today through our life coaching and programs. Together, true healing

can become a collective, holistic journey of mind, heart, and body. If you are

interested in Life Coaching or following a Personalized Program do visit the rest of

the website.

I Choose To Truly LIVE

The sense of not quite feeling like we are enough can almost always be traced back to being an outsider in your own family. This feeling as if they had sensed the lack in you early on saying that you didn’t fit in with what they believed in or how they behaved. There is a pain that comes from constant disapproval; a sense of having lost something unnamed, unknown. Kristin Hannah shared, ‘All you can do is to survive it by being quiet, by not demanding are seeking attention, by excepting that you are loved, but Unliked’.

This nagging disapproval will more itself into the negative self-talk asking ‘What do you have to show for your life? How would your time on this earth be marked? Would anyone remember you, and if so for what?’

What is it that most people dream of? Many would say that it’s having a purpose in life, but I would like to challenge that. I would say what most people really want is to make a life, not merely an existence. A life that would be based on your very own choices and not defined by whatever everyone else demands of your existence. A life where you can uncover your strength, your joys, where you are judged on more than just your appearance, how much you earn, or what you do.

But what does it mean to truly live- if you are not living for someone else? How do you measure a life worth lived? Everyone has a different metric to define a successful existence. For some, effort is given for as long as it takes one to the next step or next level. To have a measurable goal to meet. To continue play an instrument only if progress is made to get better.

Many will say that they are not enjoying the craft, sport, hobby because they are not doing well at it. Is it that they are not enjoying the process of the event or is it that they are not enjoying the association they have attached to the outcome of this event related to their worth and achievement? Is it because of the thoughts, ‘I’m not measuring up, I’m not good at it, what’s the point of trying when I am going to be bad at it, or I am embarrassed because others are watching”? We are conditioned to avoid pain, but does partaking in the act have to be associated with pain/discomfort/ unease? Can it just be neutral? As in, I am taking this knitting course and laughing because my creation looks like a sausage instead of a blanket and taking pride in learning a new skill instead of feeling shame because it is not living up to the expectations, I have set out for myself.

My query is, could worth perhaps be present even if not measured on quantifiable reasoning? Someone who continues to sing even though their sound would rouse birds from their sleep to take flight. To sing simply for the enjoyment of it. To read a book not to gain perspective, knowledge, or skill, but rather to be transported to another world and live through the eyes of the characters. To continue to create even if a price will never be placed on the vestige. What if… what if we partook in activities for the sheer pleasure of it? Not to achieve, gain or grow but just to experience life?

When someone says it is not logical to put effort into an action because the outcome cannot be measured, that is a sure indicator that the person struggles deeply with black and white thinking and is motivated deeply by perfectionism and fear of failure. How can we shift from fear of failure to having the focus on just the interaction in the moment and the emotion this particular action evokes? There is not attachment to what it should be, OR who you should be.

If the focus is always on the outcome, then you cannot ever be in the moment. You are missing out on learning about yourself in this current moment and the process. If I want to go outside and sit in the breeze… can I just stop at that instead of saying I went outside and read, coped, gardened, or journaled?

Do we need to always have a point behind what we are doing that needs to be more than ‘I am because I like it’? I challenge you today to just BE. Be in the moment, check in with yourself and acknowledge what it is like to just be in that moment. Just exist for a moment.

Finding Confidence In Who You Are

Who I am today and the woman you experience me to be, is not the woman I was 6 years ago. There are things I can say and do that I would not have the courage to do years ago. The adventures I have partaken in, the experiences I have said yes to, or even the boundaries I have set for myself are as foreign to me now if I had been told 6 years ago that this is who I would become.

I would not have thought I would ever wear a rose gold, fully bejeweled floor length gown to perform an extravagant waltz in front of 100 people. Nor would I have ever contemplated allowing myself to celebrate with such extravagance for Bollywood night AND be dressed in a traditional two-piece lehenga that had a bare midriff, which was MAGENTA, and showing my tattoos in front of my very conservative family members!

I would not have accepted the invitation to stand in front of 300 people and speak on advocacy where my passion on the topic was palpable.  6 years ago, I was fearful of sharing my views and thoughts to share publicly and have it published; forget having the confidence that my work would be sought after by multiple publishing houses. I would have been hesitant and avoidant in accepting opportunities to speak on podcasts and on TV shows as an expert.

I also would not have made a disgusted face directly at a perpetrator and walked directly to the store security in order to report the pervert who chose to expose himself to me while shopping at Marshall’s.

There is a stark difference in the energy you experience in my presence now than what you would have 6 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been the same person at my core. So, what is the drastic change? I have always been empathic and kind. I was intuitive; however, I did not trust my own intuition. I would be the container for my clients, friends, children, and partners emotions/ experiences- yet I would not set boundaries or point out what I am perceiving and speak on my intuition until I had an exuberant amount of evidence to prove my point.

I have always been feminine in my choices of clothing and how I expressed myself outwardly, and yet, I was petrified at the notion of being seen. I was not comfortable with being noticed or gaining attention and therefore, I limited my choices in fashion to avoid being called flamboyant.

I have always been the advocate for those around me, yet, I would have allowed the disrespect or trauma I experience to be dismissed as being “not that bad” or “I am strong enough to handle it without causing a scene” instead of fighting for myself too.

Some people call this transformation confidence. I will tell you that is not the case. Confidence is a by product of what the shift truly was…. ACCEPTANCE.

I learned to accept that these are aspects of myself that are different from everyone else. I have learned to accept the weirdness, the intensity, the rebellious energy, the determined spirit. All the elements of my being that was criticized by others that I had learned to dim down and neglect- I am no longer willing to hide who I am. I will swim in it until my fingers get all prun-ie and those who gravitate towards that will find me and stay. Those who do not understand or appreciate these qualities are just not meant to be a part of my tribe. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is perfectly OKAY. I have every right to be unapologetically me as long as it is not causing harm to anyone else. I am ME in all my creative, flamboyant, intense, loving, strange, fierce, and dysfunctional self.

Here are a few affirmations that have helped me stay on course of revealing myself to me and learning to accept those attributes for what they were without judgement. You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you.

·         You cannot grow in an environment that steals nurturing energy.

·         You cannot evolve in an environment that stifles your transformations.

·         Awareness without behavioral change is bullsh*t.

·         Boundaries without consequence is a waste of breath.

·         The intent doesn’t erase the impact.

 Which affirmations have or could potentially be helpful in helping you accept you as you are?

Does Our Sense Of Purpose Have To Come From Our Careers?

 We grow up with everyone from our parents, family members, peers and teachers asking us what we want to be when we grow up. Having that question asked from an age as early as 5yrs old, imprints on us the need to have a greater sense of meaning from our careers. We oftentimes conflate purpose with our careers also because we spend a majority of our day at work, or other activities associated with our jobs.

Having a sense of purpose defines why what we are doing is worthwhile and brings with it feelings of passion, and drive. We have our days outlined and defined by what society deems to be important, and if that is not in alignment with what we value, we start to wonder what the point of all the effort is.

While it would be amazing to have a career that supports the feeling of purpose and making an impact on our own lives, that of others or humanity as a whole, it does not have to be come from what we do for a living.

I believe our lives as a whole need to have elements of purpose sprinkled throughout in all aspects of our lives. For example, if we were to segment my life, it would consist of my career, children, romantic relationships, family members, social, health, hobbies, and spirituality. To feel as though my life has purpose, I would need to find elements in each of these 8 aspects that make up my life.

For those who feel unfulfilled in their jobs, I would ask them to reframe the benefits of working where they are at. I encourage my clients to see their jobs as a way to fund their passions. The vacations, hobbies, eating out, wardrobe updates, jewels etc. They could also find ways to associate the job requirements or the people they work with as extensions of their personal values whether that is helping other people, creating things that benefit society as a whole, finding coworkers with similar ideologies, or having customers to connect to.

It seems wonderful in theory; however, it can be challenging to put it into practice because of our inner critic. Inner criticism would be the nagging voice we hear that puts down some element of achievement or aspect of our personalities. Here are a few steps for shutting the inner critic down.

-Ask yourself "Is this message true? Is the story I am telling myself about this accurate.

-Do I have evidence to support this belief? Is this belief general in an overall sense or specific to an incident?" By breaking it down, we can decipher the critic from our truth. It helps to give it a name, an identity, an image so it can be separated from who you are and addressed as a separate entity when it speaks up. Think about the negative criticism, how it is worded in your mind and how it makes you feel. Imagine a character in popular media that reminds you of how this talk manifests and then give it a name. Mine would be Victoria Grayson from the TV show Revenge.

-Start to recognize that just because they're having thoughts doesn't make them *true* Pause, reassess, and release those thoughts? By challenging the basis and significance of occurrence. If my negative thought is that I am not a good mother, I would first have to define what it means to be a good mother, see if I have met those criteria that day, and see if the concern I have is a general, or specific fear. Then give myself some grace to forgive whatever I believe to be a shortcoming in that area and make a specific and directive plan to change course.

-Ask what are the repercussions of taking this step? Repercussions would be the difficulty in sitting and facing these negative beliefs and understanding where they came from in the first place. That awareness can be daunting. It takes courage to face and challenge these negative inner critics.

Awareness is power. There are some negative criticisms that may never go away because they are so deeply ingrained in our psyche. Through this awareness, we can see it coming, understand why it is there, challenge the validity of the thought and actively push past the hesitation and fear that is there.

Without honoring where we are at the moment, we will never truly be satisfied with where we are going or any improvement that has been made. We will continue chasing after a vision that is rapidly changing of what it means to be better without the joy and satisfaction of what we have overcome. It is necessary to be satisfied with the work we have done on self-improvement up to this point- no matter how small in order to truly be able to love ourselves and our journey.

Language Of Apology

A violation of a value causes emotional pain especially when the love language that you rely on to feel belonging, acceptance or deep regard is then contradicted. Insults can leave you shattered and those words are not easily forgotten (Words of Affirmation). Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be essentially hurtful (Quality Time). A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures (Receiving Gifts). Laziness, broken commitments, and creating additional work, communicates to receivers of this language that their feelings don’t matter (Acts of Service).  And finally, physical distancing, neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive (Physical Touch).

Just as your love language when violated could be your greatest source of suffering, the language of apology can subsequently help to heal those wounds.  Gary Chapman's love languages help us to feel affection when it is given in the way we specifically receive, and the language of apology fosters healing when also given in our unique style. The five languages of apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Repentance, Requesting Forgiveness, and Making Restitution.

1. Expressing regret: If the person you’ve hurt has this language, they want to know “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” This language is required for the person that has been hurt to see that you are able to empathize and put yourself in their shoes. That you understand them as a person to know how much this behavior has caused them suffering and why. In order to make amends, you would need to be able to pull from their values and past history to show the connection of how your behavior has triggered their values and then apologize for the pain that was caused.

2. Accepting responsibility: If the person you apologize to has this apology language, they want you to take ownership for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong. This person needs to hear that you are taking full responsibility for these actions without an attempt to justify, or diminish the impact of the behavior.

3. Making restitution: If someone has this apology language, what they really want to know is “does this behavior reflect how you feel about me?” Your behavior seemed so unloving to them that they wondered how you could love them and do what you did. In this situation, the person is looking for ways you can rebuild the trust that was lost through actions. These actions will then serve to overwrite or negate the messages that were delivered through the harmful behavior or words. According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments. Gottman founded the ratio of 5:1 in that it takes five positive moments for our brains to overcome one negative moment.

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: When this is someone’s apology language, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized and therefore, the apology is not sincere. This person fears that these hurtful behaviors will continue and perhaps a few days or months later, they will be in the same situation yet again.

5. Requesting forgiveness: If you offend someone who has this apology language, the words “will you please forgive me?” are the words they want to hear.  Requesting forgiveness is the way to touch their heart and is the way that feels sincere to them. The reason behind this is they want to see that the other person is able to be humble and give back the emotional power to the person who was hurt. 

How you say sorry matters based on the way we receive an apology. Our language of apology is just as unique as all the other aspects that have been designed through our life experiences. In order to heal, we must receive this apology in our own unique way. This is just as individualized and necessary as our need for love, our pet peeves, our values or how we view the world. If making amends matters, it must be given in the way the other person receives. This can be an opportunity to discuss and learn about the important people in your life and how they heal from a regrettable incident. Take the quiz here

5 Steps to Heal from Gaslighting

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

-New Port Institute/ Mental Health

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof

Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong

Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you

Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior

Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out

Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern

PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

Constantly second-guessing yourself

Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

Walking on eggshells around the other person

Believing that you are too sensitive

Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

Feeling lonely and trapped

Doubting your own memory and sanity

Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

More Sources:

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.

Holding On or Letting Go?

With the holiday season approaching, it is the perfect representation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is dependable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

The following are a list of questions that come up often in understanding healthy relationships and knowing when it is okay to let those unhealthy relationships go:

1. Is it okay to let go of an old friend or long-term relationship if you realize you don't want the same things or if they aren't good to you? Of course, friendships are to be reciprocal in where both needs are met on all levels. If at any point one person seems to be regularly giving more than what is given back, it makes sense to end the friendship regardless of history. If friends are not good to you, why do they have access to you? Love, whether platonic or romantic, is to be empowering and reflecting of emotional safety so if that is not present; if you do not feel empowered or that there is emotional safety to be yourself, then it is not a correct fit. Who we are and how we see the world shifts every 5 years or so, therefore it makes sense that there may be cases where we do not grow together. In those cases, it is okay to let go of friendships that do not reflect what you are wanting out of experiencing life.

2. What about new friends? Is it a good idea to screen potential friends? It is necessary to screen all those we allow into our emotional energies. Not everyone deserves access to our story, and not everyone will be able to honor or respect those sides of us. By letting go of those who do not align with our needs and values, we can make space for those who give that naturally.

3. What are some signs you shouldn't, or should no longer be, friends with someone?

A: They criticize you instead of supporting you: People stand behind "constructive criticism" when in fact the statement is putting the person down. We can support and ask to understand the perspective of choices made to then offer other perspectives without criticizing the person. Oftentimes, the statements made are not necessary for growth or for the situation.

B. Lack of loyalty: When their interest or respect in you varies depending on the people they are around. Shares your stories with others without your permission (gossips about you)

C. You are important to them when they need emotional, verbal, financial or other types of support. In other words, they talk to you in their free time, but they don't free time to speak with you.

D. Comparisons or competition. Comparing you to others that are presented as being better than you or competing with you instead of supporting and encouraging you.

E. Transactional: If then relationships where there is a tally kept on who is doing what. "I did this for you, so I need you to do this for me" or If Then statements, "if you cared about me, you would"

F: Manipulation of any kind. Passive aggressive behavior, gaslighting, blaming, shaming, or making you feel as though you are a bad friend if you don't do what this friend would want you to do. The power rests in their hands when it comes to your decision making.

G: If you feel as though you have to prove your worth to them.

4. It is not that bad, thy don’t abuse me, they say mean things sometimes. Is that abuse? Verbal abuse is any spoken messages that lead to demeaning the spirit and character of the other. It can take the form of many types of techniques such as contempt, criticism or gaslighting. The point of the behavior is to reduce the person's value and worth in their own eyes (of the person being abused) to the effect that sacrifices are made of the abused at the expense of themselves to meet the needs of the abuser.

5. How do you know if it is abuse? Denial, blame, and manipulation are all elements of emotional and verbal abuse to create and maintain an imbalance of power. Denial serves as a defense mechanism to maintain the status quo. It is difficult to face the fact that the one you love could do such harm to you, to care so little of your wellbeing or could be so self-centered to their needs at the expense of you. Blame is usually the tool used by the abuser to justify their actions and maintain their innocence; if they hadn't done or said (insert behavior) then the abuser would not have reacted as they did. It keeps the abused in a state of self-doubt and confusion and eventually those verbal messages become the internal dialog and belief of the person being abused. Manipulation is any action that is used to get a desired effect. Examples could be passive aggressive behavior: Sullenness or cynicism, intentional mistakes and procrastination, complaints about being underappreciated or somehow cheated out of something, resentment, and covert opposition. Behaviors to punish the other person as a way to control behavior: guilt, shame, withdrawal, comparison to others, etc.

Coming to terms with relationships that we value that are also unhealthy or not reciprocal will be challenging emotionally and everyone will go through the process of grief. Awareness of this will at times feel like rejection or that we are not good enough to have the proper show of love and affection from any of these emotions. Self-care will be essential in coping with the loss. How would you define "self-help"? Self-help is taking any measure to ensure the regeneration and maintenance of our emotional, mental, and physical health. Especially emotional... The focus is 100% on you so you can replenish reserves of emotional energy. Emotional energy is finite- we wake up with a specific amount and once that is depleted, it is gone until the next day. Humans are social beings and being surrounded by others who exhibit understanding and empathy through shared experiences help one to feel that they are not alone and also help them cope with their own experiences through the shared experiences shared.

Running on Empty

The important part about feeling burnt out is to recognize when it is coming on. Typically the signs for me would be a lackluster attitude towards the administrative side to counseling such as writing up my notes and evaluations, taking payment or calling new clients back, when previously I felt passionate towards the administrative contribution of building my private practice. I also notice that I am wishing for weekends to come sooner rather than later, or finding myself taking longer times to get the day started and waiting till the last minute to get going.

I have to regularly remind myself that taking a break to create a physical or mental distance is not reflective of my work ethic or whether or not I value helping others. It just means I am tired, worn out and spent. I have had to learn to rest when I am tired through:

1. managing my mental health with therapy, meditation, or journaling to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths

2. creating time to be outdoors or active in a way I haven’t made time for it recently like dancing or swimming

3. detaching from external negative stimuli, my mantra being Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys, or allowing grace

4. compassion for myself when things do not unfold as expected or planned

Perhaps the most pertinent coping skill for me is turning down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where I feel I “should” be by now. Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where I am and my limitations when it is not where I want to be is very uncomfortable.

I have learned that taking the time to practice the pause, will help me to regenerate my emotional, mental and physical energy as well as allow room to reintroduce the point of why I chose this career or life path. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal, so I try my best to accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, I am then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures.

To manage life when it all feels overwhelming, start by becoming more aware of the signs of burnout for yourself. What does that look like, how does it feel physically, and what kinds of toll it takes on the physical and mental aspects of daily life. One way of recognizing what is happening is to stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths before starting analysis. HALT is an acronym commonly used in the field of psychotherapy for awareness and time to take action. Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired. When you are dealing with more than one of these symptoms at the same time, you are your own worst enemy and will be the victim of your subconscious. Self- deprecating messages run rampant and the likelihood of responding to a situation instead of reacting is slim to none. Therefore, when you notice more than one of these being off, stop what you are doing (HALT) and take care of what you can in the moment. If you are hungry, grab a snack. If you feel lonely, reach out to a friend, colleague or loved one. If you are angry, write down all the feelings behind the anger and a different reason behind each emotion to process it quickly and be able to set the anger aside. Once those needs are met, there will be more of a feeling of stability before you are able to carve out time to take a break.

Sometimes you don’t realize you are drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor. Living in a society where being on the go and achieving the next goal is glamourized, it is important to recognize the need for daily self care and a monthly mental health day to maintain our own sense of passion for life as well as to prevent burnout.

1. The goal for a mental health day is to completely check out from everything that keeps us tethered to our regular sense of reality. For me that would be my work phone, emails, social media and anyone that feels as though they take more emotional energy than they invest in us. Remember, taking time for yourself doesn't mean me first, it means, me too.

2. Find total escapism. We love vacations because of the ability to leave it all behind and as much as I would love to hop on a plane to the nearest beach once a month, my life, career and family responsibilities do not allow for that... just yet hahah. In the meantime, we must be able to create a space that feels like our own little hideaway. It could be a spa day, to get hair, nails and massage done, or it could be a home spa day where there are specific masks, polishes or pampering routines can be completed that is reserved only for that day once a month. I have a basket of bath oils, skin care treatments, wine and candles that is reserved JUST for this day. During the following weeks after my mental health day, I buy random goodies in anticipation of my next self care day. There are also specific dedicated areas in my home that is JUST for me; my library and my outdoor screened in porch. The children are not allowed in my library because that is my place to escape from the world when I am reading. I will light candles, make a cup of steaming, delicious coffee and the babies (Teens NOT babies) are aware that it is my time and only to come find me if there is a catastrophe.

3. Allow for activities that ignite our passions. I adore dancing. Learning new dances or practicing routines that I have choreographed. I will make time to feel the excitement of just losing myself in the music whether it is waltzing around the living room with my cat, or taking a weekend lesson at the local community center or if I am really high on life, I may find an outdoor club and dance the night away. Find physical activities that remind you of the joy in being alive.

Remember, the point of living is to live. Feel the emotions; good, bad, exhilarating or ugly. Allow yourself to remember that success isn’t about pushing yourself to the breaking point, we can’t enjoy all the hard work we put in if we are too drained and unwell from the effort.

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

Embracing Your Glorious Mess

Who are you in the vast sea of all the characters we play in this life? Do you respect, appreciate, protect, vouch for, and accept who you are in all that makes you uniquely you? Self-love comes from experiencing love, and also having trust in the protection and safety that was present in your early childhood. Along with that security that you are loved and cared for, there has to be the element of acceptance- Acceptance to be who you are at all times without consequence.  Without the acceptance to be you, it is difficult to cultivate a sense of belonging and subconscious love of who you are and what you have to offer. We often confuse the loving behaviors from your family with the acceptance of who we are as a person.

Part of understanding and learning to love yourself is to detangle the experiences we have had with the messages we have received. Most people in the beginning will share that they had a happy childhood with the support of their loved ones. I had a friend say a similar thing to me yesterday as we were catching up and sharing stories of past relationships.

She mentioned that her family had always been there for her and still when she would go to school, she would feel unwanted and like she did not fit in. She shared that her comfort and solace from the outside world was her home, in her parent’s arms. When asked if she was always allowed to speak her truth on her own perceptions and follow her own path on what she desired, even as a child, she realized that it was not always the case. She shared with me that her mother would often criticize her efforts as it reflected in her studies, even though she eventually graduated as the valedictorian of her class. As she further reflected on this new paradigm, she realized other examples where she would wait to see her mother’s reaction to a certain style of clothing while at a department store before she would give her opinion. 

With this ingrained need to please her parents in order to validate her opinion or worth, it would then make sense that this behavior pattern would continue in her relationships outside of the home. Other’s opinions and impressions would slowly start to override her own to where her confidence in what she has to offer independent of another’s value judgement, would slowly disappear.

Now, being faced with this realization from a friend, not a gentle therapist (not that I am one of those either ahhahah), could incite a negative, immediate reaction. A need to defend oneself, one’s parents, or even to bite back on the person causing this discomfort. Makes total sense and that would be our ego at play.

My ego has a strong bite. She rears up, claws out, ready to pounce on whatever comment has triggered a value that has just been violated. She is there to defend my self-worth; and yet, many of us, including myself, have spent a lifetime taming the protector of our inner self instead of acknowledging that she is to be heard as a signal to own our worth.  We shush, placate, or dismiss this inner voice in order to keep the peach or to not draw negative attention. We fight to maintain the acceptance or love of the other person by keeping the peace but starting a war within ourselves.

The word ego has with it a negative connotation, however, there is a difference between how it manifests in a healthy way and letting it run wild with your insecurities. Recognizing the difference is crucial in learning to love yourself and overriding those past experiences that inscribed messages of inclusion and worth. Responding to someone with presence is quite different from reacting with attitude. Presence is embracing everyone in your warm glow of security and confidence, while attitude is an unconscious attempt to keep everyone at bay as a method of self-preservation in reaction to internal insecurities.

What would be the answer if I asked what you have to offer that is uniquely your own? If the immediate response were “nothing” or “I don’t know” it would be met with the raise of my left eyebrow, and a slight challenging tilt of my head as my gaze holds yours until you come up with an answer hahahaha.  Everyone has something unique to offer, starting with the experiences up to this particular point in life. Those experiences created a specific tint of color to the way you view the world and all that it stands for. There are instances where I see the interactions of other humans through bright colors that stand for understanding, courage, and hope while, (let us be real, for those who know me), the view is quite dark indeed. Both spectrums of my perception are based on personal experiences AND both end along with all the ones in the middle are valid and worthwhile.

Most of us grew up in an environment where we had to defend our right to exist and had a myriad of strings attached to our worth. The statements that governed our interactions such as keeping up with the jones, do not air your dirty laundry or be the best of everything if you want to be worth anything all influenced how we believed we should behave in order to be accepted or to belong. Most did not grow up in an environment where we were just accepted for being who we are- whether that was being pushed to get a certain type of grade to avoid punishment, follow a certain career path to bring honor to your family, believe in a particular religion, engage in certain hobbies, dress in a way to not draw negative attention, or present yourself in a way to prove you are worthy of being included with a certain group. The list of conditions goes on and on.

Conditional love is the root of all codependency. I will show you love/ acceptance if you do, be, think, or feel a certain way. Another manifestation of this is being so available for others needs and bending over backwards for them to show that they mean so much, with the hopes that “If I love you hard enough, eventually you will love me back this way too”. Setting healthy boundaries where you are not providing for their emotional/physical needs at the expense of your own is HARD. 

Rejecting and berating yourself because of your past behaviors will just keep you stuck. You have to think for yourself of how your morals are reflective of your values. The values are the compass that lets you drive your life. Let your values drive you instead of your ego. The key is learning to be strong enough to fight for you.  

Instead of saying I do not want to be codependent anymore, work rather on developing communication skills to challenge negative thoughts, or develop setting stronger boundaries. Acceptance of yourself has to be unconditional, but behaviors are based on conditions. Confusing right?! An example of this would be that I am a passionate person, so emotions are strong and bright with most occurrences. Just as my enthusiasm and joy is palpable, so is my anger and sadness. I cannot dilute one side and keep the other intact. That is who I am… but that does not mean that I get to behave in an aggressive and abusive manner when I am angry. Who we are as a person is not the same thing as how we behave.  

Start with showing compassion for where these early and often unintentional messages came from that formed how you feel about yourself. To acknowledge the correlation of the belief to the source (which is often our parents/ caregivers) is not the same as assigning blame. It is to understand how we came to be who we are now, so we can gradually work towards rewriting those messages. Through this process of untangling, you will be able to approach yourself with respect, admiration, appreciation, and curiosity. 

Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Are You A People Pleaser?

Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become. 

Insomnia During a Breakup

There is an actual name for a broken heart: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This long-winded word means extreme stress from heartbreak, and it is a very real experience some people have to go through. 

Heartbreak is a living, breathing personal torment that most of us encounter at one point or another in our lives. The loss of love can present itself in a form so severe, the grief can leave room for many other serious conditions such as insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and even suicide or death.

 “It has been concluded that rejection and emotional and physical pain are all processed in the same regions of the brain,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW. “The experience of heartbreak is so potent that researchers have concluded that those who have recently been through a breakup display similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain.”

She continues, “I believe that heartbreak is one of the most emotionally grueling experiences anyone can go through.”

Such severe emotions no doubt have a profound effect on your sleep, when memories of happier times can creep into your mind and invade your thoughts when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. When you are moving on from heartbreak, sleep can feel like the enemy. 

For some, getting the sleep needed to heal is easier said than done, so we have some tips to help. 

Why Heartbreaks Make It Difficult To Sleep

There is a science-backed reason for why love is so addictive. Love increases the feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, but when we experience heartbreak, these hormones decrease, and we receive more of the stress hormone cortisol.

“Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of the hormones our brain releases when we become really attached to someone or something,” says Queensland Health. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by an area of the body called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. It is most commonly associated with the body’s fight-or-flight response.

It all has to do with your circadian rhythm. This is a 24-hour cycle based on periods of day and night when you are awake and at rest. Your body’s cortisol production is lowest around midnight and usually peaks in the morning, around 9 am or an hour after you wake up. You will still receive small boosts of cortisol throughout the day but nothing too prominent.

When you have too much cortisol over an extended period of time, it can lead to some unpleasant symptoms. Cortisol could be to blame for the anxiety and nausea you feel during a breakup, as well as any acne and weight gain. 

Short-term effectsTemporary effectsLong-term effects• Rapid heart rate
• Spike in blood sugar
• Rapid breathing
• Sharpened senses• Mood changes
• Digestion and metabolism changes
• Improved immune system
• Headaches• Acne
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
• Heart disease

For many nursing a broken heart, high cortisol levels are a leading reason why it’s so difficult to find sleep.

Research shows that when there is too much activity in the HPA axis, it can cause you to suffer from fragmented sleep, shortened sleep, or even insomnia. Sleep apnea is another example of conditions triggered by increased cortisol production. 

Stress and trauma are common causes of cortisol, but research shows that some extreme traumas can actually cause your cortisol levels to drop. To counteract an imbalance in cortisol, experts recommend a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables. Fish oil and ashwagandha supplements can also help, along with moderate exercise, meditation and deep breathing.

Insomnia and the stages of heartbreak

Heartbreak can pertain to two different types of insomnia: sleep-onset insomnia, which means trouble falling asleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia, which is when you have trouble staying asleep.

This can impact your sleep in different ways as you progress through these stages.

1. Question

Sometimes, relationships end without giving us the understanding we feel we need to process and move on. Many a restless night has been spent trying to find answers to the nagging question of, Why? It is an answer you may never receive, but it’s still reason enough to keep you up at night with rising anxiety.

1. Apathy

The absence of answers can lead to an overall feeling of apathy where you feel numb. It may be hard to feel anything at all, and you may feel like you are moving on auto-pilot. It is hard to get excited or muster up a ton of care about things, often because you are over-extended emotionally, and it can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep. Don’t worry, however, as this will pass. 

1. Anger

The next stage is anger. It’s only natural to feel more than a little mad as you work out the reasons why your relationship ended. You may feel angry at yourself, angry at your partner or just angry at the overall situation. Either way, the bristling anger and biting frustration can keep you up at night when you ought to be resting.

1. Grief

At the end of it all comes the grief. Regardless of whether your relationship ended on good terms, it marks the end of a period in your life. It can be especially difficult to deal with when your ex moves on quickly with someone new. Social media may also prove to be a torment as you sacrifice sleep to follow the latest in your ex’s life via Facebook or Instagram.  

While you mourn your loss, it’s very likely that you may experience insomnia or nightmares.

How To Get Better Sleep While Experiencing These Feelings

A heartbreak is a difficult thing most of us will experience in our lifetime, but it becomes a little more manageable with some strategic help. 

These are some things you can do to help you find rest easier each night so you don’t have to sacrifice your sleep while you are mending a broken heart.

• Leave your phone in another room.

Blue light from your phone and other devices can make it very hard for you to fall asleep at night. To keep yourself from reaching for the phone, and keep it in another room instead. This will also help you resist the urge to check up on your ex or walk down memory lane with old photos or messages.  

• Schedule time to be sad.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have time to be sad, but at the same time, you have to allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a major loss that requires time and space in order to heal, but well-intentioned friends, family, and colleagues may make that difficult to attain. Instead, schedule some time for yourself, so you have a chance to deal with your emotions privately before you continue about your day or night.  

• Take time for self-care.

When you’re going through a breakup, you’re not usually feeling at your very best. That is why it is so important to give yourself extra care and attention during this period. The better rested and taken care of you are, the better able you will be to defeat this heartbreak. Consider using some of our many self-care tips before bed to help you fall asleep and rest better.  

• Mind your exercise and nutrition.

When we go through a breakup, we tend to reach for items of comfort, and foods like ice cream, chocolate and fast food aren’t necessarily friendly on the caloric scale. Your exercise and nutrition can be one of the first things you stop worrying about after a breakup, but this is when they are more important than ever. By maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise, you not only protect your physical health but your mental health, too. In addition to that, a healthy lifestyle can also improve your sleep health.

• Sleep aids

There are several types of non-addictive sleep aids that you can use for improved sleep.

1. Melatonin

This is a natural hormone produced by your body that tells your brain when it is time to rest. You can naturally increase levels through a melatonin supplement, which can work as a sleeping aid to help you sleep better. It has also been proven to improve the quality and duration of daytime sleep.

1. Lavender

Lavender can be used in several forms to improve your sleep. You can use it as an oil to put on your pillow, or you can choose a lavender tea to sip on before bed. It has been shown not only to help you fall asleep, but also stay asleep longer with improved sleep quality.

1. Magnesium

Magnesium is a natural mineral that has been shown to help improve both brain function and heart health. It can also help quiet errant thoughts and relax your body, so you can fall asleep easier. Studies show that when you do not have enough magnesium in your body, you are at a higher risk for insomnia.  

1. Valerian root

This natural herb can help several different issues, such as anxiety, depression and menopause. You can use this herbal supplement to help improve the quality of sleep. Scientists continue to study the long-term effects, but it has been successful in helping many with insomnia.

• Journaling

Journaling before bed can be an extremely therapeutic way to record your thoughts and clear your brain before bed. It allows you a private place where you can safely express your thoughts about your breakup without fear of reprisal or judgment. Journaling is a fantastic way to purge your thoughts in a healthy way, so they do not interfere with your sleep. Some people actually find it very therapeutic to write a breakup letter but never send it, using the experience as an outlet to say all the things they wished that they had the opportunity to say.

• Reclaiming your space

After sharing a space with someone for so long, it can be very difficult to suddenly find yourself sleeping alone. The bed can feel too big, too cold, and too crowded from memories long past. Use this opportunity as a chance to redecorate and make your bedroom your own. Buy new bedding, or splurge on an all-new bed altogether! Some of the best mattresses can improve your sleep without breaking the bank.  

With a little creativity, you can turn your heartbreak into a celebration of self.

Bottom Line

There is no denying that the pain of heartache is very real. It can prevent you from finding the sleep that you so desperately need to heal from such a significant loss. Your body’s natural circadian rhythm can fall off course, and suddenly, you can find yourself battling insomnia while you also struggle to mend a broken heart.

“When you’re suffering from a broken heart, it can be very difficult to quiet down your mind, shut it down and get some rest,” says Ronald A. Alexander.

Sleep is an integral part of recovering from a heartbreak, but finding rest can be hard when the mind and heart weigh so heavy from a recent loss. The most important part is to establish a regular routine with healthy habits that will reinforce rest and relaxation.

https://myslumberyard.com/blog/insomnia-during-a-breakup/
Lauren Thomas, Sleep Ninja

Stronger Than You Think

The end of the year is universally a time for reflection over how we have interacted with the different aspects of our lives. With as tumultuous and uncertain this year has represented, it may feel daunting to revisit how things may have unfolded. For most, it is been a year of finding new meaning of existing and navigating our way through life. For me, it has felt more like being surrounded by glass walls where I can see exactly where I want to go, but instead ramming my face into the barriers this year has inadvertently presented.

It is easier to recall all the ways our plans have unraveled as the year progressed. We could have been excited to seek adventure in relationships, partnerships and collaborations. Perhaps we were looking for new friendships to join in on our explorations or focused more on learning new truths about ourselves at the start of this year.

I would like to present an invitation to join me in navigating ways that we have cultivated strength this year. It may seem as though most of this time has been the antithesis of growth and progression, and yet that depends on how we define strength. Personally, just surviving the year and meeting the crucial responsibilities to stay afloat when the environment around us seems to be frantically unraveling, is something I would label as strength. Dr. Niemiec shared the following five examples of strengths we often overlook and take for granted.     

·         Character strengths are capacities for thinking, feeling, willing, and behaving. They reflect what is best in you and can be viewed as part of your positive identity. The 24 strengths (e.g., fairness, hope, kindness, leadership) in the widespread VIA Classification are the best examples of this type of strength.

·         Talents are strengths that are innate abilities, which typically have a strong biological loading, and may or may not be well-developed (e.g., intelligence, musical ability, athletic ability).

·         Skills are strengths that are specific proficiencies developed through training (e.g., learning a particular trade; computing skills; researching skills).

·         Interests are strengths that are areas or topics you are passionate about and driven to pursue, such as playing sports, engaging in particular hobbies, and working with arts or crafts.

·         Values are enduring beliefs, principles, or ideals that are of prime importance to you. Values reside in your thoughts and feelings, not behavior. E.g., your value for family, your value for hard work.

·         Learning styles are ideas or hypotheses about how people approach new material, e.g., you might be reflective in how you learn a particular subject, or you might be more interpersonal in your style because you want to receive new learnings through discussion rather than reading.

·         Resources are the one type of strength that is external. These are your external supports, such as social and spiritual connections, living in a safe neighborhood, and being part of a good family.

These five types of strengths have propelled us forward to navigate our way through times where it felt as though we are standing on shaky grounds. No matter how little, they are still strengths that have been sprinkled in all our behaviors throughout the year. Each action IS a testament to your strength. Even the detachment from the dumpster fire that this year has been for some, is an example of the innate trust that you will survive the next disappointing but not surprising setback that’s been thrown at us.

Growth of character happens during the most challenging of times. Whether it is managing your mental health to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths of what I lovingly call the “shit ditch”, or creating time to be outdoors or active in a way we haven’t made time for it before, or detaching from external negative stimuli (Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys), or allowing grace and compassion for ourselves when things do not unfold as expected or planned and finally, perhaps we have now been able to turn down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where we feel we “should” be by now. 

Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where we are when it is not where you want to be is very uncomfortable. We tend to become a harsh judge of our stagnation or the time it is taking get to the end point.

Know that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal. Accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, we are then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures. 

Not all of the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all of the experiences will be heartbreaking. In this focus of even the smallest of moments, we can start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys we find. It is learning to love every new transformation in our becoming that makes existing beautiful.

Learning To Love Yourself

Self-love begins with inner-balance and peace. We have to recognize all the experiences, beliefs, and perceptions that make up who we are. They represent the different aspects of you, which must be brought into harmony in order to regain standpoint of self-love. We can heal any wound, and free ourselves from suffering whenever we choose to view our experiences through the lens of acceptance.

Do you have difficulty with truly loving yourself? Are you able to open your heart and be completely honest about who you are, and what you feel? Are you able to look at where you are at in life right now with tolerance and inner peace?

We have two elements that make up the personality- the rational and the emotive self. Some people attribute it to the masculine and feminine characteristics of what makes up our way of being. The rational self is the part that works in the "real world." The masculine or rational part of the self wants to mentally figure everything out with a logical explanation. The emotive self represents your emotional depth and capacity to feel and works in the realm of “what could or may be” rather than focused on the “what is”.

When a person relies heavily on the rational or masculine side of self, (yours truly ha-ha), they operate from a fear of the unknown and need control, protection, and balance. Status (where am I in the process), strength and reason become their primary focus to avoid situations that threaten their sense of value and security.

Alternately, those who fall more on the emotive or feminine side of self-have the goal of keeping the peace and safeguarding what they value even at the cost of themselves. They often feel too deeply and have a hard time being able to step outside the sensitive heart and therefore is often wounded. This leads to having no boundaries which always opens the person up to harm.

Without conflict, (boundaries, speaking your truth, asking for what you need) there can never be growth. Leaning on one side over the other deprives us on elements that make experiencing the world beautiful. We need the emotive (feminine) side of ourselves to experience depth, intrigue, connection, understanding and healing. The rational (masculine) side provides balance, protection, safety, and progressive movement.  

We need to integrate both parts in order to love yourself for without accepting all that make you uniquely you, there is no love.  You have to look down on the different parts of the self with compassion, acceptance, and perspective. This is how we foster inner peace. The "rational" self (male) must understand the real “emotive” self (female) to find peace and harmony. Make peace with your feelings by being honest about where you have come from and the experiences that have shaped who you are today. It is necessary to bare it all to yourself. Oftentimes we hide our true feelings about what we have gone through to avoid being overcome with the meanings they hold.

We fall out of harmony by attaching ourselves to only one aspect of our lives and losing the perspective of us as a whole. Ruminating with emotions too much we lose sight of the world's unlimited opportunities. Concern for status, safety or how we appear to others can bring an equal measure of suffering. Practice releasing feelings of inhibition that keep you covering things up to maintain an image of strength, competency, or resilience.

Today, it's time to love yourself and everything that makes you so beautifully you. Look on yourself with wise, accepting, compassionate eyes. We all have a past and some are more tattered than others. Every experience leading up to today has shaped and influenced how you see the world today. We cannot have a hatred or resentment for who we were before we knew how to be different. We couldn’t have reacted differently without the lessons we have learned since then, so don’t judge yourself based on the person you are now. Each transformation of self is another example of the wonderment that is you- the journey has just begun.   

Personifying Your Struggles- My Lady In Black

One of the greatest things that I am able to teach is awareness. The ability to pay attention to our state of being as well as asking yourself, why am I feeling this way, what’s going on within me? We lead a life that’s so on the go, and there are times when the last thing we pay attention to is what’s happening to our bodies.

Last night, I did a meditative exercise and at the end of it I was able to realize how tense I was, how high my shoulders were. The funny thing is that I just had a massage 2 days ago, so something has happened in the past few days that I am carrying that causes the area to feel heavy and full of burden. It wasn’t until I took the time to do the meditation for me to realize how bad it had gotten in just 2 days.

Sometimes I have friends or clients tell me that they have a migraine and don’t know why, not sleeping well at all, or have moments where they can’t regulate their breathing but have a difficult time articulating the why.

Awareness is recognizing how our bodies tell us that something is wrong, even when everything seems completely normal. Awareness is also seeing that our fears/depression/anxiety/stagnation is also trying to tell us something.

Take depression or a depressive episode as an example. There is a misconception that people who are depressed are sad, cry all the time, have a hard time getting out of bed, and are incapable of following through with their responsibilities. Well, as the poster child for depression, I can tell you that’s not always the case.  

I, among other men and women that struggle with depression, often have a more atypical presentation of the symptoms and how they manifest. Ours is more “let’s see how much we can overcompensate for the feelings of depression by going a thousand miles an hour” so that we don’t have to stop. Because when we stop, we realize that something is missing, something is wrong, we don’t feel whole.

Obviously, this is a very generalist explanation of a depressive episode, however, I have learned in studying and working with depression that we have these themes of our struggles that go across our lives. Whether it’s not feeling good enough, something isn’t right, no matter how hard we try we just can’t seem to get “it”.

What is the “it” though?

It could be happiness, connectivity, companionship, success… it is different for everyone. It is these individual themes that usually trigger these depressive episodes.

I really want to focus on acceptance. Accepting that this is a part of who we are; a part of our struggle is something that we will carry with us. It’s not something to “get over with”, “get rid of” or to “focus it on something else”.

For someone that struggles with mental illness, especially depression, it is not something that we can wish away. There’s not a magic pill you can take to eliminate the source of why we experience this, it is part of a process of adjustment. There are steps that we take to adjust and recognize that there will be moments where the feeling comes back.

For me, unfortunately, depression is something that I’ve struggled with for my entire life and it’s something that I will have to continue working with for the rest of my life. The more that I work with what happens, the more that I’m aware of the symptoms and what the triggers are of these depressive episodes, the better I will be able to deal/cope with it. Over time the goal is to heal from it so the intensity of the experience regarding these thoughts/feelings will not be as strong.

The power comes from having the ability to recognize what’s happening, so we can have the power to address it.

It really is no different from any other medical conditions. If you take blood sugar for example, someone who struggles with hypoglycemia or low blood sugar. Once they get to a point where they can recognize signs that their sugar is crashing, they have tools at their disposal to take care of it and then work to it back to normal. We take symptoms and find solutions for physical health, it’s really no different for mental health.

We have to be able to recognize what sets us off, how it feels, where in our physical body this emotion lives, recognize that it’s coming and do what we need to do to fight through it. Sometimes it’s like “okay, I see you, I’m acknowledging that you’re there and I’m going to exercise, play music, eat delicious food, surround myself with people that are positive, uplifting, and supportive. And I’m going to make time to sleep more, and exercise to take care of myself.

There are other times that I just can’t.

Motivation is a slippery little bugger. Most times, this powerful drive to do what is needed is not coming. It is rare for that spark of inspiration, the internal dialogue to reflect, “I’m going to go work out and I’m going to feel better” especially if you hate running, like I do. I don’t feel excited to come to the office early in the morning and get my insurance billed. I don’t often feel driven to go clean up the dishes and make the house spotless. Especially if I’m struggling.

Motivation is not something that just happens, so one of the things that I tell my clients is that you have to just do it. It gets done because it needs to get done. You have to show up for yourself the way you show up for everything else that’s important in your life, because guess what? You matter.

That is probably the hardest thing to do, the hardest thing to recognize and believe, especially when you’re trapped in another depressive state. So, what to do?

I want you to sit back, and to personify this state of depression. Sounds crazy, I get it. But I want you to give it a name, an identity, an image. For me, depression is an elderly woman in mourning, a fashionista by the way, because everything I imagine typically is hahahah. She has a veil over her face, and she comes to visit from time to time.

So, whenever I do recognize that she’s come for another visit, I give her my attention to ask her why she here. What is she trying to tell me this time? The purpose is to go deeper in meaning with what led to this encounter again. Sometimes healing comes from just that. To be able to see a facet of yourself that you may not have been aware of, that was triggered or missing somehow.

My latest adventure with this “Victoria Grayson-esk woman”, was a few weeks ago. I felt rundown, so my body feels rundown. I felt like I’m catching something; feverish even though I don’t have a fever. I’m not sick, but this is a manifestation of this physical sense of being depleted. I’m just done. I don’t have a lot of energy for myself after a full day of the babies, work, managing the practice, homework, playtime, and then they are in bed, and I am just exhausted.

This is a different kind of exhaustion. I recognize that it’s when I don’t want to stay up after the babies go to sleep and read or catch up on my shows. It’s usually my “me time”, and I look forward to this experience. In recognizing that I don’t want to do these things, is when I realize something is off. On top of that, I watched the live action Beauty and the Beast, and I was SOBBING. My poor babies were like “mommy, it’s okay, he didn’t die.” Why am I sobbing?

A depressive episode has come knocking again, and I needed to sit down with her and ask, “okay what is it?”. My life is on point right now, my kids and I are in a great place, we are having fun together, I was able to hang out with some of my friends and catch up on girl time. I was dating someone. My family was healthy. So, what was it?

Then I realized the 2 things that my brain was picking up from Beauty and the Beast. First, my mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It was manageable and the best-case scenario in a horrible situation. But it was okay. Second, I was dating this guy, things were going fairly well, but what was the problem?

The trigger here is I had just started to have a good relationship with my mom (who is my stepmom) for the first time, about 2 years ago. We started to get close, and here I am watching this movie with the kids, and everything is handled, but the thought of the cancer and the whole situation was looming. Belle lost her mother and longed for her, and here I am- I finally have that mother and it’s all of a sudden being threatened.

So, there you go. Seems pretty extreme, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Subconsciously, it is a big deal. Once again, my body and emotions are responding to something that’s very deep-rooted, but when you looked at it from the surface everything was fine.

The second thing, Belle had just found love. Well here I am, longing for a kind of relationship with a partner that I wonder if it even exists. A place where my heart is full, and my soul is understood. Same thing with Belle! I can’t believe I was feeling all of this from a Disney movie, hahahah, but I was relating to the character and how she was feeling.

It was kind of all in my face… Well, hello there woman in black! Knocking on my door yet again out of nowhere. So, this is what my depressive episode is trying to say. It’s not something that came out from nowhere, it is there for a reason.

There is no way that I would have been able to get through to all of that- the concept of how I’m really struggling with my mother’s illness, processing the abandonment of my birth mother, and how I am still holding out hope for a partner but perhaps losing faith in the kind of person I need is actually out there. I would have not been able to piece together this particular puzzle if I hadn’t sat down and taken time to try and understand what my woman in black was trying to tell me.  

This is my challenge for you. If you are faced with emotions that are more intense than usual, try to see what’s going on. Try to personify the experience and ask it what is going on? What are you here to teach me? Then maybe you can get a better understanding of yourself.

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Can't Seem To Get Motivated: What Gives?

The cooler weather brings with it the love of warm drinks, sweater weather and cozy blanket forts. It also drags along with it the shorter days, dreary weather, and a reluctance to get up in the morning to get moving. Just as there are the changes and transitions in the weather, there are also transitions in us. 

The transitions are at times welcomed with open arms and others are rejected with everything we can muster. Some shifts are monumental and some barely leave a mark until one day we look back and see just how far we have come.

If you look at your past in its totality, you will realize that along with difficulties there were times when you were joyful and optimistic. The past holds important clues as to what will bring you fulfillment in the future.

How do you tell the difference between avoidance and procrastination? The difference is based on the emotional value we place on these tasks. Putting them in categories will help shed light on which ones would be the simpler one to tackle.

The “I don’t want to do it” (procrastination) vs. “this gives me so much anxiety” (avoidance) categories. It’s differentiating the emotional and mental energy that it would take.

Even when there is an understanding that the tasks need to be completed, the reason it doesn’t get done is that the consequence for stalling isn’t strong enough to elicit movement towards completion.

The only way to move through this rut is understanding and processing the possible mental association we have behind them.

To help with figuring out what the underlying meaning is, write a list of demanding tasks that need to be completed in a particular time frame.

Once you have this list, I want you to separate them into two categories of what feels like avoidance and what is procrastination.

The list under procrastination could be the easiest to start with because it has the least amount of emotional attachment.

One item nearly ALWAYS under procrastination is laundry for me. I could easily say that the reason I drag my feet on this is that I don’t like it, or it’s annoying. That is the reason, but there is more to it than that.

Ask yourself why?

Just because I don’t like it, or its annoying doesn’t mean that its enough of a reason to stay stuck. There are plenty of other things that get accomplished that I do not like to do, e.g. get gas, taking out the trash, or vacuuming the floors.

WHY is doing the laundry a problem? Why is annoying or why do I not want to do it?  

The thought process goes like this: I don’t like doing it, it’s an extra time-consuming chore that takes too much energy sometimes… AND it is because it feels never ending. I cleaned up the closet, put up all the clothes, folded and put everything in drawers YESTERDAY afternoon and this morning, my son tells me the washer is nearly full.

I can’t ever get ahead of it and it feels as though even if I put in this effort, it won’t stay that way and I will need to do more in a day or two again.

So, I’ll leave the two baskets of clean clothes will stay there. Because WHAT’S THE POINT?! Hahaha

In bringing this core understanding of our motive behind the hesitation, we can use this awareness to work past it. We get stuck on these chores because we do not process the reason behind being stuck.

In realizing that the issue here with putting away the laundry is that I do not feel there is a reward for all of that effort, I can then start working on changing that outlook.

As I mentioned before, we will not follow through on a behavior if it is not something we value or if the consequence for stalling isn’t detrimental. It will get done eventually but, “eventually” creates a sense of unsteadiness and low sense of accomplishment/ achievement/ worth.

We have to work within what we value. I value cleanliness, but in my mind, the clean clothes in a basket tucked in the closet is still being clean. So, how do I make myself put away the clothes?

I had the basket next to my bed and tripped over it in the middle of the night. That was motivation enough to move the basket to the closet. That was consequence driven. I want to help you get to where the decision is desire driven so the behavior will become a habit and not constantly avoided.

We must come up with a reason that makes doing it valuable so it will get done.

•     Doing laundry because it has the shirt I want to wear, or a dress that needs to hang dry, so I can wear it on a date.

•     Getting administrative work done because I want money

•      Working out regularly because my thighs are touching again or because I only watch certain upbeat dance songs that I love when I am on the elliptical, so I make myself get on it, so I jam.

You may not value unpacking the boxes, but you may value what the end result will bring you: the room being complete, personal escape/ oasis, or curiosity of what’s been packed away; trip down memory lane.

You may not enjoy running every day, but you need the solitude that brings peace from the people in your life for that one moment out of the entire day.

Oftentimes we get stuck in the failure aspect of not getting things done which is why it is important to just take the first step towards a change. Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don’t want to do it, find what aspect of the action will make it worthwhile. Slowly let the internal messages reveal themselves to you and start your shift.