Can't Seem To Get Motivated: What Gives?

The cooler weather brings with it the love of warm drinks, sweater weather and cozy blanket forts. It also drags along with it the shorter days, dreary weather, and a reluctance to get up in the morning to get moving. Just as there are the changes and transitions in the weather, there are also transitions in us. 

The transitions are at times welcomed with open arms and others are rejected with everything we can muster. Some shifts are monumental and some barely leave a mark until one day we look back and see just how far we have come.

If you look at your past in its totality, you will realize that along with difficulties there were times when you were joyful and optimistic. The past holds important clues as to what will bring you fulfillment in the future.

How do you tell the difference between avoidance and procrastination? The difference is based on the emotional value we place on these tasks. Putting them in categories will help shed light on which ones would be the simpler one to tackle.

The “I don’t want to do it” (procrastination) vs. “this gives me so much anxiety” (avoidance) categories. It’s differentiating the emotional and mental energy that it would take.

Even when there is an understanding that the tasks need to be completed, the reason it doesn’t get done is that the consequence for stalling isn’t strong enough to elicit movement towards completion.

The only way to move through this rut is understanding and processing the possible mental association we have behind them.

To help with figuring out what the underlying meaning is, write a list of demanding tasks that need to be completed in a particular time frame.

Once you have this list, I want you to separate them into two categories of what feels like avoidance and what is procrastination.

The list under procrastination could be the easiest to start with because it has the least amount of emotional attachment.

One item nearly ALWAYS under procrastination is laundry for me. I could easily say that the reason I drag my feet on this is that I don’t like it, or it’s annoying. That is the reason, but there is more to it than that.

Ask yourself why?

Just because I don’t like it, or its annoying doesn’t mean that its enough of a reason to stay stuck. There are plenty of other things that get accomplished that I do not like to do, e.g. get gas, taking out the trash, or vacuuming the floors.

WHY is doing the laundry a problem? Why is annoying or why do I not want to do it?  

The thought process goes like this: I don’t like doing it, it’s an extra time-consuming chore that takes too much energy sometimes… AND it is because it feels never ending. I cleaned up the closet, put up all the clothes, folded and put everything in drawers YESTERDAY afternoon and this morning, my son tells me the washer is nearly full.

I can’t ever get ahead of it and it feels as though even if I put in this effort, it won’t stay that way and I will need to do more in a day or two again.

So, I’ll leave the two baskets of clean clothes will stay there. Because WHAT’S THE POINT?! Hahaha

In bringing this core understanding of our motive behind the hesitation, we can use this awareness to work past it. We get stuck on these chores because we do not process the reason behind being stuck.

In realizing that the issue here with putting away the laundry is that I do not feel there is a reward for all of that effort, I can then start working on changing that outlook.

As I mentioned before, we will not follow through on a behavior if it is not something we value or if the consequence for stalling isn’t detrimental. It will get done eventually but, “eventually” creates a sense of unsteadiness and low sense of accomplishment/ achievement/ worth.

We have to work within what we value. I value cleanliness, but in my mind, the clean clothes in a basket tucked in the closet is still being clean. So, how do I make myself put away the clothes?

I had the basket next to my bed and tripped over it in the middle of the night. That was motivation enough to move the basket to the closet. That was consequence driven. I want to help you get to where the decision is desire driven so the behavior will become a habit and not constantly avoided.

We must come up with a reason that makes doing it valuable so it will get done.

•     Doing laundry because it has the shirt I want to wear, or a dress that needs to hang dry, so I can wear it on a date.

•     Getting administrative work done because I want money

•      Working out regularly because my thighs are touching again or because I only watch certain upbeat dance songs that I love when I am on the elliptical, so I make myself get on it, so I jam.

You may not value unpacking the boxes, but you may value what the end result will bring you: the room being complete, personal escape/ oasis, or curiosity of what’s been packed away; trip down memory lane.

You may not enjoy running every day, but you need the solitude that brings peace from the people in your life for that one moment out of the entire day.

Oftentimes we get stuck in the failure aspect of not getting things done which is why it is important to just take the first step towards a change. Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don’t want to do it, find what aspect of the action will make it worthwhile. Slowly let the internal messages reveal themselves to you and start your shift.

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given

Strong people are made- not born.

 Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?

Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.

 My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.

Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.

Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.

 Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.

Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?

As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.

While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?

True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-

Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.

Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.

Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.  

So, now what?

You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?

Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.

I am _________ when I set a boundary.

I am _________ when I ask for what I need.

I am _________ when I show my feelings.

I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.

Step two is reframing the belief.

The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.

Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.

Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.

Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.

Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.   

What do I do?

In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.

 Belief #1,  I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.

Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.

Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.

The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.

Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.

Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.

If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.

Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.  

To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.

The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.

Why So Anxious?

To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.

It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.

We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.

With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.

Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.

Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.

The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.

Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.

So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.

Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.

Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.

As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?

 Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.

Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.

For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.

The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.

Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.

We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.

When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.

Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.

How Do You Handle Adversity?

This is a good lesson for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be like the COFFEE.