I Choose To Truly LIVE

The sense of not quite feeling like we are enough can almost always be traced back to being an outsider in your own family. This feeling as if they had sensed the lack in you early on saying that you didn’t fit in with what they believed in or how they behaved. There is a pain that comes from constant disapproval; a sense of having lost something unnamed, unknown. Kristin Hannah shared, ‘All you can do is to survive it by being quiet, by not demanding are seeking attention, by excepting that you are loved, but Unliked’.

This nagging disapproval will more itself into the negative self-talk asking ‘What do you have to show for your life? How would your time on this earth be marked? Would anyone remember you, and if so for what?’

What is it that most people dream of? Many would say that it’s having a purpose in life, but I would like to challenge that. I would say what most people really want is to make a life, not merely an existence. A life that would be based on your very own choices and not defined by whatever everyone else demands of your existence. A life where you can uncover your strength, your joys, where you are judged on more than just your appearance, how much you earn, or what you do.

But what does it mean to truly live- if you are not living for someone else? How do you measure a life worth lived? Everyone has a different metric to define a successful existence. For some, effort is given for as long as it takes one to the next step or next level. To have a measurable goal to meet. To continue play an instrument only if progress is made to get better.

Many will say that they are not enjoying the craft, sport, hobby because they are not doing well at it. Is it that they are not enjoying the process of the event or is it that they are not enjoying the association they have attached to the outcome of this event related to their worth and achievement? Is it because of the thoughts, ‘I’m not measuring up, I’m not good at it, what’s the point of trying when I am going to be bad at it, or I am embarrassed because others are watching”? We are conditioned to avoid pain, but does partaking in the act have to be associated with pain/discomfort/ unease? Can it just be neutral? As in, I am taking this knitting course and laughing because my creation looks like a sausage instead of a blanket and taking pride in learning a new skill instead of feeling shame because it is not living up to the expectations, I have set out for myself.

My query is, could worth perhaps be present even if not measured on quantifiable reasoning? Someone who continues to sing even though their sound would rouse birds from their sleep to take flight. To sing simply for the enjoyment of it. To read a book not to gain perspective, knowledge, or skill, but rather to be transported to another world and live through the eyes of the characters. To continue to create even if a price will never be placed on the vestige. What if… what if we partook in activities for the sheer pleasure of it? Not to achieve, gain or grow but just to experience life?

When someone says it is not logical to put effort into an action because the outcome cannot be measured, that is a sure indicator that the person struggles deeply with black and white thinking and is motivated deeply by perfectionism and fear of failure. How can we shift from fear of failure to having the focus on just the interaction in the moment and the emotion this particular action evokes? There is not attachment to what it should be, OR who you should be.

If the focus is always on the outcome, then you cannot ever be in the moment. You are missing out on learning about yourself in this current moment and the process. If I want to go outside and sit in the breeze… can I just stop at that instead of saying I went outside and read, coped, gardened, or journaled?

Do we need to always have a point behind what we are doing that needs to be more than ‘I am because I like it’? I challenge you today to just BE. Be in the moment, check in with yourself and acknowledge what it is like to just be in that moment. Just exist for a moment.

Does Our Sense Of Purpose Have To Come From Our Careers?

 We grow up with everyone from our parents, family members, peers and teachers asking us what we want to be when we grow up. Having that question asked from an age as early as 5yrs old, imprints on us the need to have a greater sense of meaning from our careers. We oftentimes conflate purpose with our careers also because we spend a majority of our day at work, or other activities associated with our jobs.

Having a sense of purpose defines why what we are doing is worthwhile and brings with it feelings of passion, and drive. We have our days outlined and defined by what society deems to be important, and if that is not in alignment with what we value, we start to wonder what the point of all the effort is.

While it would be amazing to have a career that supports the feeling of purpose and making an impact on our own lives, that of others or humanity as a whole, it does not have to be come from what we do for a living.

I believe our lives as a whole need to have elements of purpose sprinkled throughout in all aspects of our lives. For example, if we were to segment my life, it would consist of my career, children, romantic relationships, family members, social, health, hobbies, and spirituality. To feel as though my life has purpose, I would need to find elements in each of these 8 aspects that make up my life.

For those who feel unfulfilled in their jobs, I would ask them to reframe the benefits of working where they are at. I encourage my clients to see their jobs as a way to fund their passions. The vacations, hobbies, eating out, wardrobe updates, jewels etc. They could also find ways to associate the job requirements or the people they work with as extensions of their personal values whether that is helping other people, creating things that benefit society as a whole, finding coworkers with similar ideologies, or having customers to connect to.

It seems wonderful in theory; however, it can be challenging to put it into practice because of our inner critic. Inner criticism would be the nagging voice we hear that puts down some element of achievement or aspect of our personalities. Here are a few steps for shutting the inner critic down.

-Ask yourself "Is this message true? Is the story I am telling myself about this accurate.

-Do I have evidence to support this belief? Is this belief general in an overall sense or specific to an incident?" By breaking it down, we can decipher the critic from our truth. It helps to give it a name, an identity, an image so it can be separated from who you are and addressed as a separate entity when it speaks up. Think about the negative criticism, how it is worded in your mind and how it makes you feel. Imagine a character in popular media that reminds you of how this talk manifests and then give it a name. Mine would be Victoria Grayson from the TV show Revenge.

-Start to recognize that just because they're having thoughts doesn't make them *true* Pause, reassess, and release those thoughts? By challenging the basis and significance of occurrence. If my negative thought is that I am not a good mother, I would first have to define what it means to be a good mother, see if I have met those criteria that day, and see if the concern I have is a general, or specific fear. Then give myself some grace to forgive whatever I believe to be a shortcoming in that area and make a specific and directive plan to change course.

-Ask what are the repercussions of taking this step? Repercussions would be the difficulty in sitting and facing these negative beliefs and understanding where they came from in the first place. That awareness can be daunting. It takes courage to face and challenge these negative inner critics.

Awareness is power. There are some negative criticisms that may never go away because they are so deeply ingrained in our psyche. Through this awareness, we can see it coming, understand why it is there, challenge the validity of the thought and actively push past the hesitation and fear that is there.

Without honoring where we are at the moment, we will never truly be satisfied with where we are going or any improvement that has been made. We will continue chasing after a vision that is rapidly changing of what it means to be better without the joy and satisfaction of what we have overcome. It is necessary to be satisfied with the work we have done on self-improvement up to this point- no matter how small in order to truly be able to love ourselves and our journey.

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

The Book of Regrets

We are told that we have our whole lives to look forward to, we are the masters of our existence and have the power to change our circumstances and embrace all of the infinite possibilities of how our futures can unfold. I am one of those people that preach exactly that and yet, we often fail to acknowledge the fear of uncertainty that holds us back. This uncertainty is a mirror to what is written in our book of regrets. All the ways we have failed ourselves and how the world has failed us, written in our subconscious as a gentle or rather violent reminder of why it is easier and safer not to take that leap of faith.  

The Book of Regrets- the one force strong enough to keep us feeling stuck and unable to move forward.

I am overcome with emotion knowing that my heart was at war with my mind (Again). At this point in my life’s journey, I know who I am and what matters to me. I feel tattered at this moment because my values have been violated and not only that, but what I valued most in this relationship has now come under scrutiny. Who can possibly be a harsher judge than the voice inside of me.

How am I supposed to make amends within me when I am forced to face the inevitable loss that I must endure? For either I will betray myself in the process of accepting this situation or let go of the hope I had finally started to allow myself to feel in order to keep the status quo. I feel unsafe and my entire being is screaming that I am walking into a trap.  I have seen these signs before, and it warns of a story known to so many and even in my own narrative that I do not want to read again.

When faced with a situation of cognitive dissonance, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces, we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.

 Identify the primary emotion or perspective in that specific situation- for me, it was fear of loss. This loss defined so many things. I would lose respect for myself, I would lose the other person, and I would lose all the growth I fought relentlessly to achieve.

Think a bit further into it and try to identify what that would mean- the secondary perspective.

This fear would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I can hope all I want to believe in a secure future with a partner and it will always result in me not being good enough and there will always be another allure. The loss in staying would be sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me. This fear also confirms that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find, is ultimately a mirage.

My book of regrets will go from being a novel to a tome no matter which choice I make.

It is crucial in these moments to understand the “why” behind our fears, otherwise we will continue to swim in them without getting anywhere until we are close to drowning. The “why” holds the key to understanding who we are in order to identify what created these fears and what value are we trying to uphold that is being threatened.  By identifying these values, we will separate ourselves from the grips of the reactive/ survival emotions of the amygdala (inner goat brain) to the working thought processes of the prefrontal cortex (somewhat self-regulatory and reasonable brain).  

Our values stemming from the life we have lived and the life we are wanting to create is at the heart of our sense of self. How do we prevent the loss of our identity? BOUNDARIES. An effective way of setting and communicating boundaries is to have a rundown of the emotions (fear), the reason behind the emotions (need) how and what felt violated (values) and finally the expectation of a behavior going forward (boundaries).

Emotions are a mirror of our needs which are an extension of our values. If the fear is loss, the need is to have someone to belong to which makes the value to be accepted. Often times, the intensity of the need overrides the boundaries that should be in place because the need is stronger than the rational reasons to have standards. However strong that need may be, ask yourself if losing your identity is worth any benefit that could possibly be there at that time. The answer may be yes for that moment, so think long term. As you lose your identity, you lose touch with your sense of self which is like losing your center of gravity. You will inevitably find yourself free falling and untethered to anything that could make you feel grounded.

The only person that can give you a sense of stability and security is YOU. As much as it pains you now to face these fears, know that it is taking you one step closer to the life you do want. One that reflects your needs and values so that those existing within your world, can be there effortlessly. You will work, grow, learn, and laugh together. There will be shared experiences and shared understandings where you will not have to fight to be heard, seen, or accepted. There will be a simplicity in existing so all of your energies can go towards undiscovered adventures enveloped in love. For in honoring and loving yourself, you can then create a world to give AND have the same efforts given back to you.  

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Learning To Love Yourself

Self-love begins with inner-balance and peace. We have to recognize all the experiences, beliefs, and perceptions that make up who we are. They represent the different aspects of you, which must be brought into harmony in order to regain standpoint of self-love. We can heal any wound, and free ourselves from suffering whenever we choose to view our experiences through the lens of acceptance.

Do you have difficulty with truly loving yourself? Are you able to open your heart and be completely honest about who you are, and what you feel? Are you able to look at where you are at in life right now with tolerance and inner peace?

We have two elements that make up the personality- the rational and the emotive self. Some people attribute it to the masculine and feminine characteristics of what makes up our way of being. The rational self is the part that works in the "real world." The masculine or rational part of the self wants to mentally figure everything out with a logical explanation. The emotive self represents your emotional depth and capacity to feel and works in the realm of “what could or may be” rather than focused on the “what is”.

When a person relies heavily on the rational or masculine side of self, (yours truly ha-ha), they operate from a fear of the unknown and need control, protection, and balance. Status (where am I in the process), strength and reason become their primary focus to avoid situations that threaten their sense of value and security.

Alternately, those who fall more on the emotive or feminine side of self-have the goal of keeping the peace and safeguarding what they value even at the cost of themselves. They often feel too deeply and have a hard time being able to step outside the sensitive heart and therefore is often wounded. This leads to having no boundaries which always opens the person up to harm.

Without conflict, (boundaries, speaking your truth, asking for what you need) there can never be growth. Leaning on one side over the other deprives us on elements that make experiencing the world beautiful. We need the emotive (feminine) side of ourselves to experience depth, intrigue, connection, understanding and healing. The rational (masculine) side provides balance, protection, safety, and progressive movement.  

We need to integrate both parts in order to love yourself for without accepting all that make you uniquely you, there is no love.  You have to look down on the different parts of the self with compassion, acceptance, and perspective. This is how we foster inner peace. The "rational" self (male) must understand the real “emotive” self (female) to find peace and harmony. Make peace with your feelings by being honest about where you have come from and the experiences that have shaped who you are today. It is necessary to bare it all to yourself. Oftentimes we hide our true feelings about what we have gone through to avoid being overcome with the meanings they hold.

We fall out of harmony by attaching ourselves to only one aspect of our lives and losing the perspective of us as a whole. Ruminating with emotions too much we lose sight of the world's unlimited opportunities. Concern for status, safety or how we appear to others can bring an equal measure of suffering. Practice releasing feelings of inhibition that keep you covering things up to maintain an image of strength, competency, or resilience.

Today, it's time to love yourself and everything that makes you so beautifully you. Look on yourself with wise, accepting, compassionate eyes. We all have a past and some are more tattered than others. Every experience leading up to today has shaped and influenced how you see the world today. We cannot have a hatred or resentment for who we were before we knew how to be different. We couldn’t have reacted differently without the lessons we have learned since then, so don’t judge yourself based on the person you are now. Each transformation of self is another example of the wonderment that is you- the journey has just begun.   

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given

Strong people are made- not born.

 Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?

Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.

 My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.

Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.

Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.

 Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.

Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?

As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.

While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?

True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-

Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.

Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.

Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.  

So, now what?

You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?

Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.

I am _________ when I set a boundary.

I am _________ when I ask for what I need.

I am _________ when I show my feelings.

I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.

Step two is reframing the belief.

The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.

Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.

Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.

Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.

Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.   

What do I do?

In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.

 Belief #1,  I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.

Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.

Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.

The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.

Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.

Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.

If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.

Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.  

To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.

The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.