I Choose To Truly LIVE

The sense of not quite feeling like we are enough can almost always be traced back to being an outsider in your own family. This feeling as if they had sensed the lack in you early on saying that you didn’t fit in with what they believed in or how they behaved. There is a pain that comes from constant disapproval; a sense of having lost something unnamed, unknown. Kristin Hannah shared, ‘All you can do is to survive it by being quiet, by not demanding are seeking attention, by excepting that you are loved, but Unliked’.

This nagging disapproval will more itself into the negative self-talk asking ‘What do you have to show for your life? How would your time on this earth be marked? Would anyone remember you, and if so for what?’

What is it that most people dream of? Many would say that it’s having a purpose in life, but I would like to challenge that. I would say what most people really want is to make a life, not merely an existence. A life that would be based on your very own choices and not defined by whatever everyone else demands of your existence. A life where you can uncover your strength, your joys, where you are judged on more than just your appearance, how much you earn, or what you do.

But what does it mean to truly live- if you are not living for someone else? How do you measure a life worth lived? Everyone has a different metric to define a successful existence. For some, effort is given for as long as it takes one to the next step or next level. To have a measurable goal to meet. To continue play an instrument only if progress is made to get better.

Many will say that they are not enjoying the craft, sport, hobby because they are not doing well at it. Is it that they are not enjoying the process of the event or is it that they are not enjoying the association they have attached to the outcome of this event related to their worth and achievement? Is it because of the thoughts, ‘I’m not measuring up, I’m not good at it, what’s the point of trying when I am going to be bad at it, or I am embarrassed because others are watching”? We are conditioned to avoid pain, but does partaking in the act have to be associated with pain/discomfort/ unease? Can it just be neutral? As in, I am taking this knitting course and laughing because my creation looks like a sausage instead of a blanket and taking pride in learning a new skill instead of feeling shame because it is not living up to the expectations, I have set out for myself.

My query is, could worth perhaps be present even if not measured on quantifiable reasoning? Someone who continues to sing even though their sound would rouse birds from their sleep to take flight. To sing simply for the enjoyment of it. To read a book not to gain perspective, knowledge, or skill, but rather to be transported to another world and live through the eyes of the characters. To continue to create even if a price will never be placed on the vestige. What if… what if we partook in activities for the sheer pleasure of it? Not to achieve, gain or grow but just to experience life?

When someone says it is not logical to put effort into an action because the outcome cannot be measured, that is a sure indicator that the person struggles deeply with black and white thinking and is motivated deeply by perfectionism and fear of failure. How can we shift from fear of failure to having the focus on just the interaction in the moment and the emotion this particular action evokes? There is not attachment to what it should be, OR who you should be.

If the focus is always on the outcome, then you cannot ever be in the moment. You are missing out on learning about yourself in this current moment and the process. If I want to go outside and sit in the breeze… can I just stop at that instead of saying I went outside and read, coped, gardened, or journaled?

Do we need to always have a point behind what we are doing that needs to be more than ‘I am because I like it’? I challenge you today to just BE. Be in the moment, check in with yourself and acknowledge what it is like to just be in that moment. Just exist for a moment.

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

Running on Empty

The important part about feeling burnt out is to recognize when it is coming on. Typically the signs for me would be a lackluster attitude towards the administrative side to counseling such as writing up my notes and evaluations, taking payment or calling new clients back, when previously I felt passionate towards the administrative contribution of building my private practice. I also notice that I am wishing for weekends to come sooner rather than later, or finding myself taking longer times to get the day started and waiting till the last minute to get going.

I have to regularly remind myself that taking a break to create a physical or mental distance is not reflective of my work ethic or whether or not I value helping others. It just means I am tired, worn out and spent. I have had to learn to rest when I am tired through:

1. managing my mental health with therapy, meditation, or journaling to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths

2. creating time to be outdoors or active in a way I haven’t made time for it recently like dancing or swimming

3. detaching from external negative stimuli, my mantra being Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys, or allowing grace

4. compassion for myself when things do not unfold as expected or planned

Perhaps the most pertinent coping skill for me is turning down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where I feel I “should” be by now. Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where I am and my limitations when it is not where I want to be is very uncomfortable.

I have learned that taking the time to practice the pause, will help me to regenerate my emotional, mental and physical energy as well as allow room to reintroduce the point of why I chose this career or life path. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal, so I try my best to accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, I am then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures.

To manage life when it all feels overwhelming, start by becoming more aware of the signs of burnout for yourself. What does that look like, how does it feel physically, and what kinds of toll it takes on the physical and mental aspects of daily life. One way of recognizing what is happening is to stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths before starting analysis. HALT is an acronym commonly used in the field of psychotherapy for awareness and time to take action. Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired. When you are dealing with more than one of these symptoms at the same time, you are your own worst enemy and will be the victim of your subconscious. Self- deprecating messages run rampant and the likelihood of responding to a situation instead of reacting is slim to none. Therefore, when you notice more than one of these being off, stop what you are doing (HALT) and take care of what you can in the moment. If you are hungry, grab a snack. If you feel lonely, reach out to a friend, colleague or loved one. If you are angry, write down all the feelings behind the anger and a different reason behind each emotion to process it quickly and be able to set the anger aside. Once those needs are met, there will be more of a feeling of stability before you are able to carve out time to take a break.

Sometimes you don’t realize you are drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor. Living in a society where being on the go and achieving the next goal is glamourized, it is important to recognize the need for daily self care and a monthly mental health day to maintain our own sense of passion for life as well as to prevent burnout.

1. The goal for a mental health day is to completely check out from everything that keeps us tethered to our regular sense of reality. For me that would be my work phone, emails, social media and anyone that feels as though they take more emotional energy than they invest in us. Remember, taking time for yourself doesn't mean me first, it means, me too.

2. Find total escapism. We love vacations because of the ability to leave it all behind and as much as I would love to hop on a plane to the nearest beach once a month, my life, career and family responsibilities do not allow for that... just yet hahah. In the meantime, we must be able to create a space that feels like our own little hideaway. It could be a spa day, to get hair, nails and massage done, or it could be a home spa day where there are specific masks, polishes or pampering routines can be completed that is reserved only for that day once a month. I have a basket of bath oils, skin care treatments, wine and candles that is reserved JUST for this day. During the following weeks after my mental health day, I buy random goodies in anticipation of my next self care day. There are also specific dedicated areas in my home that is JUST for me; my library and my outdoor screened in porch. The children are not allowed in my library because that is my place to escape from the world when I am reading. I will light candles, make a cup of steaming, delicious coffee and the babies (Teens NOT babies) are aware that it is my time and only to come find me if there is a catastrophe.

3. Allow for activities that ignite our passions. I adore dancing. Learning new dances or practicing routines that I have choreographed. I will make time to feel the excitement of just losing myself in the music whether it is waltzing around the living room with my cat, or taking a weekend lesson at the local community center or if I am really high on life, I may find an outdoor club and dance the night away. Find physical activities that remind you of the joy in being alive.

Remember, the point of living is to live. Feel the emotions; good, bad, exhilarating or ugly. Allow yourself to remember that success isn’t about pushing yourself to the breaking point, we can’t enjoy all the hard work we put in if we are too drained and unwell from the effort.

Behind Closed Doors- Understanding Emotional Reactions

Fear is a natural emotion and yet I would argue that it is the strongest of all the reactions to life. It manifests in various colorful ways including anxiety, cautiousness, rejection, doubt etc. Take a moment and write down what fear means… The definition of the emotion as well as the many ways it presents in your life.

As I am sitting here attempting to explain this, I find myself stuck after 3 sentences. For such an enormous emotion, I am struggling with identifying exactly how to define it. From a psychological point, fear is a primitive reaction that alerts us to a potential threat. It presents in a cognitive as well as a physiological manner that can be felt through real or perceived threats.

Fear lurks around every corner some days. It is tinged with betrayal and failure, not necessarily from anyone else, but mostly of letting myself down. I feel paralyzed at the thought that I will not meet what is expected of me as a partner, entrepreneur, or parent. My roles have defined me for so long, what will I be without them? Who am I if I am not a mother, therapist, confidant, healer, or the grounded friend that anyone can turn to for support? Some days, the fear is more of the hopes yet to be fulfilled; an imagined or perceived failing of those experiences coming to fruition.

There are other feelings that make up the tangled rat nest of this emotion we call fear. Loneliness, disappointment, disconnected, doubt, removed, desperate, stressed, abandoned, vulnerable, lost, unmotivated, isolated and a slew of other nasty experiences. The underlying root emotion for nearly all negative experiences can be fear just as the underlying root emotional for nearly all positive emotions is desire. In identifying which realm of these two subconscious reactions, fear, or desire, we can then start to sift through what that means for us in order to make sense of the emotions. By identifying the emotion, we can make sense of the perception, understand the value behind it, and be able to communicate those feelings as a reaction to a need that is asking to be met.

There are two ways to regain control over fear. Before we can master those two skills, we must first be able to identify the power behind the fear. The source of what makes this emotion so powerful is the meaning we attach to it. Failure can be just a setback from or falling short of reaching a set goal. Everyone goes through it, and yet many of us become nearly paralyzed with fear of being a failure. The power that fuels that experience from being just a life experience to an actual fear is what it would mean for us as a person to have missed the mark on this particular goal.  

My favorite dysfunctional skill is allowing the behaviors of others to define who I am as a person. My ex will behave in dismissive ways when my children need attention and there are times when I feel as though I have failed them as a parent since I have allowed them to be in this environment. My family members may criticize psychotherapy and theory based on their personal experiences in a way that I feel personally responsible to change their views and prove that we as therapists are there to help guide and heal past wounds. My sister being late when I have specifically expressed a deadline for when we need to be somewhere seemed to me as though she doesn’t value my time or presence in her life.

It all boils down to this pressure that no matter what, I can’t measure up… no matter what I do or say or plan or prevent, it’s not enough- I am not enough. My kids keep getting their little vulnerable hearts pummeled, and I am not competent enough to put those pieces back together.  No matter how many certificates, awards, or books I write, my expertise is not going to measure up to that of other medical professionals. No matter how much I rearrange my life to include my sister, I do not matter enough to her as she does to me. 

The meaning I am attaching to their behaviors is what powers my fear. It is necessary to remove the emotional meaning we attach to the outcome that creates the fear and then perpetuates the fearful behaviors. Bring the significance down by challenging the truth in these statements. One of my mottos to live by is “No one can define your experience or existence”, and vice versa, we can’t define their experience for them either. It is not fair to impose my assumptions onto others or on myself and instead we challenge these thoughts by comparing them to facts. Up to this point, have I been able to give support and guidance for my kids to find healing? Yes, I have. The next step is to absolve myself of taking responsibility over things I have no control over. Own only what’s mine. The final step is to affirm the work I have done to be in alignment with the person I am wanting to be. I am available emotionally and physically to these babies, I am supportive and playful, I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically present to witness their existence and walk next to them through their growth. I am actively working on being the kind of mother I would like to be for them. So, in theory, I am enough, and that will have to be enough for me.   

To take the sting off behaviors of others that we have no control over, it is helpful to come up with a few catch phrases that redirect the need to defend or prove ourselves. Expecting things to be different than what you have mostly experienced with a specific person, or their specific characteristics is what gives the power to the situation and sets us up to falter. Each time they behave this way we are triggered and astonished that they have the audacity to do so, and yet, haven’t they always? Why are we surprised? So, say something short and sweet that brings you back in your own lane. Some examples could be:

Been there, done that.

Not the first time.

Here we go again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Climbed this mountain before.

Here are the facts: My ex will behave like a narcissist, my sister’s life will probably be a wreck, my dad will probably not be emotionally present, and my other sister will most definitely be flighty. Expecting or hoping they will be different, is what will set me up for failure. At the same time, expecting that I will not be shut down or be perceived as distant or to not feel anger is unrealistic. They are who they are just as I am who I am. However, accepting them for who they are does not mean we have to just sit there and take it. Of course, there is a difference in experiencing these as feelings, and NOT behaving in a reaction to these feelings. In identifying the real or perceived fear behind our emotions, we can then process the situation in a healthy manner. We have a right to our emotions, but we cannot act out in dysfunctional ways because of our emotions. We can instead remove ourselves from the situation. Much easier said than done, I know. Recognize the specific person that is igniting emotion, cope with it in a manner that meets your needs and set necessary boundaries, so these emotions do not bleed onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The Book of Regrets

We are told that we have our whole lives to look forward to, we are the masters of our existence and have the power to change our circumstances and embrace all of the infinite possibilities of how our futures can unfold. I am one of those people that preach exactly that and yet, we often fail to acknowledge the fear of uncertainty that holds us back. This uncertainty is a mirror to what is written in our book of regrets. All the ways we have failed ourselves and how the world has failed us, written in our subconscious as a gentle or rather violent reminder of why it is easier and safer not to take that leap of faith.  

The Book of Regrets- the one force strong enough to keep us feeling stuck and unable to move forward.

I am overcome with emotion knowing that my heart was at war with my mind (Again). At this point in my life’s journey, I know who I am and what matters to me. I feel tattered at this moment because my values have been violated and not only that, but what I valued most in this relationship has now come under scrutiny. Who can possibly be a harsher judge than the voice inside of me.

How am I supposed to make amends within me when I am forced to face the inevitable loss that I must endure? For either I will betray myself in the process of accepting this situation or let go of the hope I had finally started to allow myself to feel in order to keep the status quo. I feel unsafe and my entire being is screaming that I am walking into a trap.  I have seen these signs before, and it warns of a story known to so many and even in my own narrative that I do not want to read again.

When faced with a situation of cognitive dissonance, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces, we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.

 Identify the primary emotion or perspective in that specific situation- for me, it was fear of loss. This loss defined so many things. I would lose respect for myself, I would lose the other person, and I would lose all the growth I fought relentlessly to achieve.

Think a bit further into it and try to identify what that would mean- the secondary perspective.

This fear would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I can hope all I want to believe in a secure future with a partner and it will always result in me not being good enough and there will always be another allure. The loss in staying would be sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me. This fear also confirms that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find, is ultimately a mirage.

My book of regrets will go from being a novel to a tome no matter which choice I make.

It is crucial in these moments to understand the “why” behind our fears, otherwise we will continue to swim in them without getting anywhere until we are close to drowning. The “why” holds the key to understanding who we are in order to identify what created these fears and what value are we trying to uphold that is being threatened.  By identifying these values, we will separate ourselves from the grips of the reactive/ survival emotions of the amygdala (inner goat brain) to the working thought processes of the prefrontal cortex (somewhat self-regulatory and reasonable brain).  

Our values stemming from the life we have lived and the life we are wanting to create is at the heart of our sense of self. How do we prevent the loss of our identity? BOUNDARIES. An effective way of setting and communicating boundaries is to have a rundown of the emotions (fear), the reason behind the emotions (need) how and what felt violated (values) and finally the expectation of a behavior going forward (boundaries).

Emotions are a mirror of our needs which are an extension of our values. If the fear is loss, the need is to have someone to belong to which makes the value to be accepted. Often times, the intensity of the need overrides the boundaries that should be in place because the need is stronger than the rational reasons to have standards. However strong that need may be, ask yourself if losing your identity is worth any benefit that could possibly be there at that time. The answer may be yes for that moment, so think long term. As you lose your identity, you lose touch with your sense of self which is like losing your center of gravity. You will inevitably find yourself free falling and untethered to anything that could make you feel grounded.

The only person that can give you a sense of stability and security is YOU. As much as it pains you now to face these fears, know that it is taking you one step closer to the life you do want. One that reflects your needs and values so that those existing within your world, can be there effortlessly. You will work, grow, learn, and laugh together. There will be shared experiences and shared understandings where you will not have to fight to be heard, seen, or accepted. There will be a simplicity in existing so all of your energies can go towards undiscovered adventures enveloped in love. For in honoring and loving yourself, you can then create a world to give AND have the same efforts given back to you.  

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given

Strong people are made- not born.

 Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?

Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.

 My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.

Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.

Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.

 Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.

Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?

As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.

While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?

True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-

Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.

Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.

Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.  

So, now what?

You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?

Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.

I am _________ when I set a boundary.

I am _________ when I ask for what I need.

I am _________ when I show my feelings.

I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.

Step two is reframing the belief.

The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.

Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.

Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.

Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.

Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.   

What do I do?

In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.

 Belief #1,  I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.

Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.

Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.

The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.

Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.

Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.

If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.

Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.  

To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.

The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.