Behind Closed Doors- Understanding Emotional Reactions

Fear is a natural emotion and yet I would argue that it is the strongest of all the reactions to life. It manifests in various colorful ways including anxiety, cautiousness, rejection, doubt etc. Take a moment and write down what fear means… The definition of the emotion as well as the many ways it presents in your life.

As I am sitting here attempting to explain this, I find myself stuck after 3 sentences. For such an enormous emotion, I am struggling with identifying exactly how to define it. From a psychological point, fear is a primitive reaction that alerts us to a potential threat. It presents in a cognitive as well as a physiological manner that can be felt through real or perceived threats.

Fear lurks around every corner some days. It is tinged with betrayal and failure, not necessarily from anyone else, but mostly of letting myself down. I feel paralyzed at the thought that I will not meet what is expected of me as a partner, entrepreneur, or parent. My roles have defined me for so long, what will I be without them? Who am I if I am not a mother, therapist, confidant, healer, or the grounded friend that anyone can turn to for support? Some days, the fear is more of the hopes yet to be fulfilled; an imagined or perceived failing of those experiences coming to fruition.

There are other feelings that make up the tangled rat nest of this emotion we call fear. Loneliness, disappointment, disconnected, doubt, removed, desperate, stressed, abandoned, vulnerable, lost, unmotivated, isolated and a slew of other nasty experiences. The underlying root emotion for nearly all negative experiences can be fear just as the underlying root emotional for nearly all positive emotions is desire. In identifying which realm of these two subconscious reactions, fear, or desire, we can then start to sift through what that means for us in order to make sense of the emotions. By identifying the emotion, we can make sense of the perception, understand the value behind it, and be able to communicate those feelings as a reaction to a need that is asking to be met.

There are two ways to regain control over fear. Before we can master those two skills, we must first be able to identify the power behind the fear. The source of what makes this emotion so powerful is the meaning we attach to it. Failure can be just a setback from or falling short of reaching a set goal. Everyone goes through it, and yet many of us become nearly paralyzed with fear of being a failure. The power that fuels that experience from being just a life experience to an actual fear is what it would mean for us as a person to have missed the mark on this particular goal.  

My favorite dysfunctional skill is allowing the behaviors of others to define who I am as a person. My ex will behave in dismissive ways when my children need attention and there are times when I feel as though I have failed them as a parent since I have allowed them to be in this environment. My family members may criticize psychotherapy and theory based on their personal experiences in a way that I feel personally responsible to change their views and prove that we as therapists are there to help guide and heal past wounds. My sister being late when I have specifically expressed a deadline for when we need to be somewhere seemed to me as though she doesn’t value my time or presence in her life.

It all boils down to this pressure that no matter what, I can’t measure up… no matter what I do or say or plan or prevent, it’s not enough- I am not enough. My kids keep getting their little vulnerable hearts pummeled, and I am not competent enough to put those pieces back together.  No matter how many certificates, awards, or books I write, my expertise is not going to measure up to that of other medical professionals. No matter how much I rearrange my life to include my sister, I do not matter enough to her as she does to me. 

The meaning I am attaching to their behaviors is what powers my fear. It is necessary to remove the emotional meaning we attach to the outcome that creates the fear and then perpetuates the fearful behaviors. Bring the significance down by challenging the truth in these statements. One of my mottos to live by is “No one can define your experience or existence”, and vice versa, we can’t define their experience for them either. It is not fair to impose my assumptions onto others or on myself and instead we challenge these thoughts by comparing them to facts. Up to this point, have I been able to give support and guidance for my kids to find healing? Yes, I have. The next step is to absolve myself of taking responsibility over things I have no control over. Own only what’s mine. The final step is to affirm the work I have done to be in alignment with the person I am wanting to be. I am available emotionally and physically to these babies, I am supportive and playful, I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically present to witness their existence and walk next to them through their growth. I am actively working on being the kind of mother I would like to be for them. So, in theory, I am enough, and that will have to be enough for me.   

To take the sting off behaviors of others that we have no control over, it is helpful to come up with a few catch phrases that redirect the need to defend or prove ourselves. Expecting things to be different than what you have mostly experienced with a specific person, or their specific characteristics is what gives the power to the situation and sets us up to falter. Each time they behave this way we are triggered and astonished that they have the audacity to do so, and yet, haven’t they always? Why are we surprised? So, say something short and sweet that brings you back in your own lane. Some examples could be:

Been there, done that.

Not the first time.

Here we go again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Climbed this mountain before.

Here are the facts: My ex will behave like a narcissist, my sister’s life will probably be a wreck, my dad will probably not be emotionally present, and my other sister will most definitely be flighty. Expecting or hoping they will be different, is what will set me up for failure. At the same time, expecting that I will not be shut down or be perceived as distant or to not feel anger is unrealistic. They are who they are just as I am who I am. However, accepting them for who they are does not mean we have to just sit there and take it. Of course, there is a difference in experiencing these as feelings, and NOT behaving in a reaction to these feelings. In identifying the real or perceived fear behind our emotions, we can then process the situation in a healthy manner. We have a right to our emotions, but we cannot act out in dysfunctional ways because of our emotions. We can instead remove ourselves from the situation. Much easier said than done, I know. Recognize the specific person that is igniting emotion, cope with it in a manner that meets your needs and set necessary boundaries, so these emotions do not bleed onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Insomnia During a Breakup

There is an actual name for a broken heart: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This long-winded word means extreme stress from heartbreak, and it is a very real experience some people have to go through. 

Heartbreak is a living, breathing personal torment that most of us encounter at one point or another in our lives. The loss of love can present itself in a form so severe, the grief can leave room for many other serious conditions such as insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and even suicide or death.

 “It has been concluded that rejection and emotional and physical pain are all processed in the same regions of the brain,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW. “The experience of heartbreak is so potent that researchers have concluded that those who have recently been through a breakup display similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain.”

She continues, “I believe that heartbreak is one of the most emotionally grueling experiences anyone can go through.”

Such severe emotions no doubt have a profound effect on your sleep, when memories of happier times can creep into your mind and invade your thoughts when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. When you are moving on from heartbreak, sleep can feel like the enemy. 

For some, getting the sleep needed to heal is easier said than done, so we have some tips to help. 

Why Heartbreaks Make It Difficult To Sleep

There is a science-backed reason for why love is so addictive. Love increases the feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, but when we experience heartbreak, these hormones decrease, and we receive more of the stress hormone cortisol.

“Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of the hormones our brain releases when we become really attached to someone or something,” says Queensland Health. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by an area of the body called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. It is most commonly associated with the body’s fight-or-flight response.

It all has to do with your circadian rhythm. This is a 24-hour cycle based on periods of day and night when you are awake and at rest. Your body’s cortisol production is lowest around midnight and usually peaks in the morning, around 9 am or an hour after you wake up. You will still receive small boosts of cortisol throughout the day but nothing too prominent.

When you have too much cortisol over an extended period of time, it can lead to some unpleasant symptoms. Cortisol could be to blame for the anxiety and nausea you feel during a breakup, as well as any acne and weight gain. 

Short-term effectsTemporary effectsLong-term effects• Rapid heart rate
• Spike in blood sugar
• Rapid breathing
• Sharpened senses• Mood changes
• Digestion and metabolism changes
• Improved immune system
• Headaches• Acne
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
• Heart disease

For many nursing a broken heart, high cortisol levels are a leading reason why it’s so difficult to find sleep.

Research shows that when there is too much activity in the HPA axis, it can cause you to suffer from fragmented sleep, shortened sleep, or even insomnia. Sleep apnea is another example of conditions triggered by increased cortisol production. 

Stress and trauma are common causes of cortisol, but research shows that some extreme traumas can actually cause your cortisol levels to drop. To counteract an imbalance in cortisol, experts recommend a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables. Fish oil and ashwagandha supplements can also help, along with moderate exercise, meditation and deep breathing.

Insomnia and the stages of heartbreak

Heartbreak can pertain to two different types of insomnia: sleep-onset insomnia, which means trouble falling asleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia, which is when you have trouble staying asleep.

This can impact your sleep in different ways as you progress through these stages.

1. Question

Sometimes, relationships end without giving us the understanding we feel we need to process and move on. Many a restless night has been spent trying to find answers to the nagging question of, Why? It is an answer you may never receive, but it’s still reason enough to keep you up at night with rising anxiety.

1. Apathy

The absence of answers can lead to an overall feeling of apathy where you feel numb. It may be hard to feel anything at all, and you may feel like you are moving on auto-pilot. It is hard to get excited or muster up a ton of care about things, often because you are over-extended emotionally, and it can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep. Don’t worry, however, as this will pass. 

1. Anger

The next stage is anger. It’s only natural to feel more than a little mad as you work out the reasons why your relationship ended. You may feel angry at yourself, angry at your partner or just angry at the overall situation. Either way, the bristling anger and biting frustration can keep you up at night when you ought to be resting.

1. Grief

At the end of it all comes the grief. Regardless of whether your relationship ended on good terms, it marks the end of a period in your life. It can be especially difficult to deal with when your ex moves on quickly with someone new. Social media may also prove to be a torment as you sacrifice sleep to follow the latest in your ex’s life via Facebook or Instagram.  

While you mourn your loss, it’s very likely that you may experience insomnia or nightmares.

How To Get Better Sleep While Experiencing These Feelings

A heartbreak is a difficult thing most of us will experience in our lifetime, but it becomes a little more manageable with some strategic help. 

These are some things you can do to help you find rest easier each night so you don’t have to sacrifice your sleep while you are mending a broken heart.

• Leave your phone in another room.

Blue light from your phone and other devices can make it very hard for you to fall asleep at night. To keep yourself from reaching for the phone, and keep it in another room instead. This will also help you resist the urge to check up on your ex or walk down memory lane with old photos or messages.  

• Schedule time to be sad.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have time to be sad, but at the same time, you have to allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a major loss that requires time and space in order to heal, but well-intentioned friends, family, and colleagues may make that difficult to attain. Instead, schedule some time for yourself, so you have a chance to deal with your emotions privately before you continue about your day or night.  

• Take time for self-care.

When you’re going through a breakup, you’re not usually feeling at your very best. That is why it is so important to give yourself extra care and attention during this period. The better rested and taken care of you are, the better able you will be to defeat this heartbreak. Consider using some of our many self-care tips before bed to help you fall asleep and rest better.  

• Mind your exercise and nutrition.

When we go through a breakup, we tend to reach for items of comfort, and foods like ice cream, chocolate and fast food aren’t necessarily friendly on the caloric scale. Your exercise and nutrition can be one of the first things you stop worrying about after a breakup, but this is when they are more important than ever. By maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise, you not only protect your physical health but your mental health, too. In addition to that, a healthy lifestyle can also improve your sleep health.

• Sleep aids

There are several types of non-addictive sleep aids that you can use for improved sleep.

1. Melatonin

This is a natural hormone produced by your body that tells your brain when it is time to rest. You can naturally increase levels through a melatonin supplement, which can work as a sleeping aid to help you sleep better. It has also been proven to improve the quality and duration of daytime sleep.

1. Lavender

Lavender can be used in several forms to improve your sleep. You can use it as an oil to put on your pillow, or you can choose a lavender tea to sip on before bed. It has been shown not only to help you fall asleep, but also stay asleep longer with improved sleep quality.

1. Magnesium

Magnesium is a natural mineral that has been shown to help improve both brain function and heart health. It can also help quiet errant thoughts and relax your body, so you can fall asleep easier. Studies show that when you do not have enough magnesium in your body, you are at a higher risk for insomnia.  

1. Valerian root

This natural herb can help several different issues, such as anxiety, depression and menopause. You can use this herbal supplement to help improve the quality of sleep. Scientists continue to study the long-term effects, but it has been successful in helping many with insomnia.

• Journaling

Journaling before bed can be an extremely therapeutic way to record your thoughts and clear your brain before bed. It allows you a private place where you can safely express your thoughts about your breakup without fear of reprisal or judgment. Journaling is a fantastic way to purge your thoughts in a healthy way, so they do not interfere with your sleep. Some people actually find it very therapeutic to write a breakup letter but never send it, using the experience as an outlet to say all the things they wished that they had the opportunity to say.

• Reclaiming your space

After sharing a space with someone for so long, it can be very difficult to suddenly find yourself sleeping alone. The bed can feel too big, too cold, and too crowded from memories long past. Use this opportunity as a chance to redecorate and make your bedroom your own. Buy new bedding, or splurge on an all-new bed altogether! Some of the best mattresses can improve your sleep without breaking the bank.  

With a little creativity, you can turn your heartbreak into a celebration of self.

Bottom Line

There is no denying that the pain of heartache is very real. It can prevent you from finding the sleep that you so desperately need to heal from such a significant loss. Your body’s natural circadian rhythm can fall off course, and suddenly, you can find yourself battling insomnia while you also struggle to mend a broken heart.

“When you’re suffering from a broken heart, it can be very difficult to quiet down your mind, shut it down and get some rest,” says Ronald A. Alexander.

Sleep is an integral part of recovering from a heartbreak, but finding rest can be hard when the mind and heart weigh so heavy from a recent loss. The most important part is to establish a regular routine with healthy habits that will reinforce rest and relaxation.

https://myslumberyard.com/blog/insomnia-during-a-breakup/
Lauren Thomas, Sleep Ninja

Comparison: The Thief of Holiday Joy

The holiday season is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.  

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is reliable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

In an attempt at understanding where these patterns have possibly formed, think back on your childhood and how you or other members of the family were met at their return home from the day. Was the first experience of seeing a loved one enter the home met with warmth and hugs, a barrage of questions of whether the days expectations were met or was it a contemptuous feeling that seemed unsafe?  

If you’re overly cautious in romantic relationships, you may unconsciously be responding to your upbringing of a challenging relationship with a caregiver. Maybe you had an emotionally volatile authority figure who didn’t prioritize your needs, making you feel anxious and unworthy. Our responses to how we interact and engage in all relationships are based on the schemas we formed as a child.

Schemas are little blueprints of what certain things should be. If the authority figure in your life didn’t prioritize your needs, asking for your needs to be met will feel anxiety ridden and make you feel unworthy. Especially if one or both caregivers were physically or emotionally absent from your life. That feeling of abandonment would have left an imprint on your schema (life blueprint) that relationships and love are connected to loss.

These wounds can often go so deep that being hurt emotionally is all we know and what we have come to expect from a relationship. The understanding of intimacy becomes in response to being able to survive on our own. Therefore, caring for someone can feel scary and overwhelming when loving is associated with eventual pain.

We long for that emotional bond and at the same time, fear that they will hurt us and oftentimes, they do. When we give others the opportunity to decide who we get to “play” with in order to prevent being rejected or abandoned, that privilege then becomes entitlement. We hand over our power and become ensnared in the tug of war for autonomy and acceptance. Our setback comes from the dissonance between understanding a situation and knowing that just because we empathize with it, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it. Losing yourself in the process of loving someone else isn’t love. 

Those coming from childhood dynamics of hurt, rejection (not being worthy) or abandonment can result in adult relationships that manifest as further examples or symptoms of the same types of pain. We may be in situations where it seems as though it is a good partnership, then over time the person turns out to be codependent, needy or volatile. To others, they seem charming, and we are left wondering where we are going wrong.

Another example could be inadvertently connecting with those who are jealous, emotionally unstable, controlling or easily angered as though we are triggering the dark side in the people we care for. Alternately, those we love are emotionally unavailable and do not put in the effort in understanding us on a deeper level and investing in an equal and conscious way. We chase the love and approval in the hopes that if I love you hard enough, maybe one day you will love me the same way in return.

Remember, we unconsciously choose based on what we know, and if what we know of relationships are to be distant, ambivalent, or absent, we will gravitate towards that because anything else innately feels unnatural and as a result very uncomfortable. No one would willingly choose those who perpetuate our childhood wounds and this is not a deliberate choice you make or one that we willfully attract. It is not our fault, and therefore we cannot judge ourselves for acting on impulses we were not aware of.

On the flip side it is possible that we become and take on the characteristics of our wounds. We end up being the ones who struggle with emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability and end up pushing people away. We choose those who seem non-threatening and safe so that we are in control of how the relationship will unfold.

Identifying childhood dynamics allows us the power to be able to choose differently as an adult. It will continue to influence our view of relationships and how we naturally engage with partners, however, we can choose not to act on it and find another path of behaving. It is necessary to own these qualities and experiences from our past in order to understand how the pattern of relationships is formed. Love and commit to yourself first. Over time, the new behavior patterns will become less uncomfortable and unnatural while the healthy way of engaging will help the relationships grow and give new examples of how things can go well. Remember, the only person that can define your experience or existence is you.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.