I Choose To Truly LIVE

The sense of not quite feeling like we are enough can almost always be traced back to being an outsider in your own family. This feeling as if they had sensed the lack in you early on saying that you didn’t fit in with what they believed in or how they behaved. There is a pain that comes from constant disapproval; a sense of having lost something unnamed, unknown. Kristin Hannah shared, ‘All you can do is to survive it by being quiet, by not demanding are seeking attention, by excepting that you are loved, but Unliked’.

This nagging disapproval will more itself into the negative self-talk asking ‘What do you have to show for your life? How would your time on this earth be marked? Would anyone remember you, and if so for what?’

What is it that most people dream of? Many would say that it’s having a purpose in life, but I would like to challenge that. I would say what most people really want is to make a life, not merely an existence. A life that would be based on your very own choices and not defined by whatever everyone else demands of your existence. A life where you can uncover your strength, your joys, where you are judged on more than just your appearance, how much you earn, or what you do.

But what does it mean to truly live- if you are not living for someone else? How do you measure a life worth lived? Everyone has a different metric to define a successful existence. For some, effort is given for as long as it takes one to the next step or next level. To have a measurable goal to meet. To continue play an instrument only if progress is made to get better.

Many will say that they are not enjoying the craft, sport, hobby because they are not doing well at it. Is it that they are not enjoying the process of the event or is it that they are not enjoying the association they have attached to the outcome of this event related to their worth and achievement? Is it because of the thoughts, ‘I’m not measuring up, I’m not good at it, what’s the point of trying when I am going to be bad at it, or I am embarrassed because others are watching”? We are conditioned to avoid pain, but does partaking in the act have to be associated with pain/discomfort/ unease? Can it just be neutral? As in, I am taking this knitting course and laughing because my creation looks like a sausage instead of a blanket and taking pride in learning a new skill instead of feeling shame because it is not living up to the expectations, I have set out for myself.

My query is, could worth perhaps be present even if not measured on quantifiable reasoning? Someone who continues to sing even though their sound would rouse birds from their sleep to take flight. To sing simply for the enjoyment of it. To read a book not to gain perspective, knowledge, or skill, but rather to be transported to another world and live through the eyes of the characters. To continue to create even if a price will never be placed on the vestige. What if… what if we partook in activities for the sheer pleasure of it? Not to achieve, gain or grow but just to experience life?

When someone says it is not logical to put effort into an action because the outcome cannot be measured, that is a sure indicator that the person struggles deeply with black and white thinking and is motivated deeply by perfectionism and fear of failure. How can we shift from fear of failure to having the focus on just the interaction in the moment and the emotion this particular action evokes? There is not attachment to what it should be, OR who you should be.

If the focus is always on the outcome, then you cannot ever be in the moment. You are missing out on learning about yourself in this current moment and the process. If I want to go outside and sit in the breeze… can I just stop at that instead of saying I went outside and read, coped, gardened, or journaled?

Do we need to always have a point behind what we are doing that needs to be more than ‘I am because I like it’? I challenge you today to just BE. Be in the moment, check in with yourself and acknowledge what it is like to just be in that moment. Just exist for a moment.

Language Of Apology

A violation of a value causes emotional pain especially when the love language that you rely on to feel belonging, acceptance or deep regard is then contradicted. Insults can leave you shattered and those words are not easily forgotten (Words of Affirmation). Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be essentially hurtful (Quality Time). A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures (Receiving Gifts). Laziness, broken commitments, and creating additional work, communicates to receivers of this language that their feelings don’t matter (Acts of Service).  And finally, physical distancing, neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive (Physical Touch).

Just as your love language when violated could be your greatest source of suffering, the language of apology can subsequently help to heal those wounds.  Gary Chapman's love languages help us to feel affection when it is given in the way we specifically receive, and the language of apology fosters healing when also given in our unique style. The five languages of apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Repentance, Requesting Forgiveness, and Making Restitution.

1. Expressing regret: If the person you’ve hurt has this language, they want to know “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” This language is required for the person that has been hurt to see that you are able to empathize and put yourself in their shoes. That you understand them as a person to know how much this behavior has caused them suffering and why. In order to make amends, you would need to be able to pull from their values and past history to show the connection of how your behavior has triggered their values and then apologize for the pain that was caused.

2. Accepting responsibility: If the person you apologize to has this apology language, they want you to take ownership for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong. This person needs to hear that you are taking full responsibility for these actions without an attempt to justify, or diminish the impact of the behavior.

3. Making restitution: If someone has this apology language, what they really want to know is “does this behavior reflect how you feel about me?” Your behavior seemed so unloving to them that they wondered how you could love them and do what you did. In this situation, the person is looking for ways you can rebuild the trust that was lost through actions. These actions will then serve to overwrite or negate the messages that were delivered through the harmful behavior or words. According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments. Gottman founded the ratio of 5:1 in that it takes five positive moments for our brains to overcome one negative moment.

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: When this is someone’s apology language, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized and therefore, the apology is not sincere. This person fears that these hurtful behaviors will continue and perhaps a few days or months later, they will be in the same situation yet again.

5. Requesting forgiveness: If you offend someone who has this apology language, the words “will you please forgive me?” are the words they want to hear.  Requesting forgiveness is the way to touch their heart and is the way that feels sincere to them. The reason behind this is they want to see that the other person is able to be humble and give back the emotional power to the person who was hurt. 

How you say sorry matters based on the way we receive an apology. Our language of apology is just as unique as all the other aspects that have been designed through our life experiences. In order to heal, we must receive this apology in our own unique way. This is just as individualized and necessary as our need for love, our pet peeves, our values or how we view the world. If making amends matters, it must be given in the way the other person receives. This can be an opportunity to discuss and learn about the important people in your life and how they heal from a regrettable incident. Take the quiz here

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.

Holding On or Letting Go?

With the holiday season approaching, it is the perfect representation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is dependable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

The following are a list of questions that come up often in understanding healthy relationships and knowing when it is okay to let those unhealthy relationships go:

1. Is it okay to let go of an old friend or long-term relationship if you realize you don't want the same things or if they aren't good to you? Of course, friendships are to be reciprocal in where both needs are met on all levels. If at any point one person seems to be regularly giving more than what is given back, it makes sense to end the friendship regardless of history. If friends are not good to you, why do they have access to you? Love, whether platonic or romantic, is to be empowering and reflecting of emotional safety so if that is not present; if you do not feel empowered or that there is emotional safety to be yourself, then it is not a correct fit. Who we are and how we see the world shifts every 5 years or so, therefore it makes sense that there may be cases where we do not grow together. In those cases, it is okay to let go of friendships that do not reflect what you are wanting out of experiencing life.

2. What about new friends? Is it a good idea to screen potential friends? It is necessary to screen all those we allow into our emotional energies. Not everyone deserves access to our story, and not everyone will be able to honor or respect those sides of us. By letting go of those who do not align with our needs and values, we can make space for those who give that naturally.

3. What are some signs you shouldn't, or should no longer be, friends with someone?

A: They criticize you instead of supporting you: People stand behind "constructive criticism" when in fact the statement is putting the person down. We can support and ask to understand the perspective of choices made to then offer other perspectives without criticizing the person. Oftentimes, the statements made are not necessary for growth or for the situation.

B. Lack of loyalty: When their interest or respect in you varies depending on the people they are around. Shares your stories with others without your permission (gossips about you)

C. You are important to them when they need emotional, verbal, financial or other types of support. In other words, they talk to you in their free time, but they don't free time to speak with you.

D. Comparisons or competition. Comparing you to others that are presented as being better than you or competing with you instead of supporting and encouraging you.

E. Transactional: If then relationships where there is a tally kept on who is doing what. "I did this for you, so I need you to do this for me" or If Then statements, "if you cared about me, you would"

F: Manipulation of any kind. Passive aggressive behavior, gaslighting, blaming, shaming, or making you feel as though you are a bad friend if you don't do what this friend would want you to do. The power rests in their hands when it comes to your decision making.

G: If you feel as though you have to prove your worth to them.

4. It is not that bad, thy don’t abuse me, they say mean things sometimes. Is that abuse? Verbal abuse is any spoken messages that lead to demeaning the spirit and character of the other. It can take the form of many types of techniques such as contempt, criticism or gaslighting. The point of the behavior is to reduce the person's value and worth in their own eyes (of the person being abused) to the effect that sacrifices are made of the abused at the expense of themselves to meet the needs of the abuser.

5. How do you know if it is abuse? Denial, blame, and manipulation are all elements of emotional and verbal abuse to create and maintain an imbalance of power. Denial serves as a defense mechanism to maintain the status quo. It is difficult to face the fact that the one you love could do such harm to you, to care so little of your wellbeing or could be so self-centered to their needs at the expense of you. Blame is usually the tool used by the abuser to justify their actions and maintain their innocence; if they hadn't done or said (insert behavior) then the abuser would not have reacted as they did. It keeps the abused in a state of self-doubt and confusion and eventually those verbal messages become the internal dialog and belief of the person being abused. Manipulation is any action that is used to get a desired effect. Examples could be passive aggressive behavior: Sullenness or cynicism, intentional mistakes and procrastination, complaints about being underappreciated or somehow cheated out of something, resentment, and covert opposition. Behaviors to punish the other person as a way to control behavior: guilt, shame, withdrawal, comparison to others, etc.

Coming to terms with relationships that we value that are also unhealthy or not reciprocal will be challenging emotionally and everyone will go through the process of grief. Awareness of this will at times feel like rejection or that we are not good enough to have the proper show of love and affection from any of these emotions. Self-care will be essential in coping with the loss. How would you define "self-help"? Self-help is taking any measure to ensure the regeneration and maintenance of our emotional, mental, and physical health. Especially emotional... The focus is 100% on you so you can replenish reserves of emotional energy. Emotional energy is finite- we wake up with a specific amount and once that is depleted, it is gone until the next day. Humans are social beings and being surrounded by others who exhibit understanding and empathy through shared experiences help one to feel that they are not alone and also help them cope with their own experiences through the shared experiences shared.

Behind Closed Doors- Understanding Emotional Reactions

Fear is a natural emotion and yet I would argue that it is the strongest of all the reactions to life. It manifests in various colorful ways including anxiety, cautiousness, rejection, doubt etc. Take a moment and write down what fear means… The definition of the emotion as well as the many ways it presents in your life.

As I am sitting here attempting to explain this, I find myself stuck after 3 sentences. For such an enormous emotion, I am struggling with identifying exactly how to define it. From a psychological point, fear is a primitive reaction that alerts us to a potential threat. It presents in a cognitive as well as a physiological manner that can be felt through real or perceived threats.

Fear lurks around every corner some days. It is tinged with betrayal and failure, not necessarily from anyone else, but mostly of letting myself down. I feel paralyzed at the thought that I will not meet what is expected of me as a partner, entrepreneur, or parent. My roles have defined me for so long, what will I be without them? Who am I if I am not a mother, therapist, confidant, healer, or the grounded friend that anyone can turn to for support? Some days, the fear is more of the hopes yet to be fulfilled; an imagined or perceived failing of those experiences coming to fruition.

There are other feelings that make up the tangled rat nest of this emotion we call fear. Loneliness, disappointment, disconnected, doubt, removed, desperate, stressed, abandoned, vulnerable, lost, unmotivated, isolated and a slew of other nasty experiences. The underlying root emotion for nearly all negative experiences can be fear just as the underlying root emotional for nearly all positive emotions is desire. In identifying which realm of these two subconscious reactions, fear, or desire, we can then start to sift through what that means for us in order to make sense of the emotions. By identifying the emotion, we can make sense of the perception, understand the value behind it, and be able to communicate those feelings as a reaction to a need that is asking to be met.

There are two ways to regain control over fear. Before we can master those two skills, we must first be able to identify the power behind the fear. The source of what makes this emotion so powerful is the meaning we attach to it. Failure can be just a setback from or falling short of reaching a set goal. Everyone goes through it, and yet many of us become nearly paralyzed with fear of being a failure. The power that fuels that experience from being just a life experience to an actual fear is what it would mean for us as a person to have missed the mark on this particular goal.  

My favorite dysfunctional skill is allowing the behaviors of others to define who I am as a person. My ex will behave in dismissive ways when my children need attention and there are times when I feel as though I have failed them as a parent since I have allowed them to be in this environment. My family members may criticize psychotherapy and theory based on their personal experiences in a way that I feel personally responsible to change their views and prove that we as therapists are there to help guide and heal past wounds. My sister being late when I have specifically expressed a deadline for when we need to be somewhere seemed to me as though she doesn’t value my time or presence in her life.

It all boils down to this pressure that no matter what, I can’t measure up… no matter what I do or say or plan or prevent, it’s not enough- I am not enough. My kids keep getting their little vulnerable hearts pummeled, and I am not competent enough to put those pieces back together.  No matter how many certificates, awards, or books I write, my expertise is not going to measure up to that of other medical professionals. No matter how much I rearrange my life to include my sister, I do not matter enough to her as she does to me. 

The meaning I am attaching to their behaviors is what powers my fear. It is necessary to remove the emotional meaning we attach to the outcome that creates the fear and then perpetuates the fearful behaviors. Bring the significance down by challenging the truth in these statements. One of my mottos to live by is “No one can define your experience or existence”, and vice versa, we can’t define their experience for them either. It is not fair to impose my assumptions onto others or on myself and instead we challenge these thoughts by comparing them to facts. Up to this point, have I been able to give support and guidance for my kids to find healing? Yes, I have. The next step is to absolve myself of taking responsibility over things I have no control over. Own only what’s mine. The final step is to affirm the work I have done to be in alignment with the person I am wanting to be. I am available emotionally and physically to these babies, I am supportive and playful, I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically present to witness their existence and walk next to them through their growth. I am actively working on being the kind of mother I would like to be for them. So, in theory, I am enough, and that will have to be enough for me.   

To take the sting off behaviors of others that we have no control over, it is helpful to come up with a few catch phrases that redirect the need to defend or prove ourselves. Expecting things to be different than what you have mostly experienced with a specific person, or their specific characteristics is what gives the power to the situation and sets us up to falter. Each time they behave this way we are triggered and astonished that they have the audacity to do so, and yet, haven’t they always? Why are we surprised? So, say something short and sweet that brings you back in your own lane. Some examples could be:

Been there, done that.

Not the first time.

Here we go again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Climbed this mountain before.

Here are the facts: My ex will behave like a narcissist, my sister’s life will probably be a wreck, my dad will probably not be emotionally present, and my other sister will most definitely be flighty. Expecting or hoping they will be different, is what will set me up for failure. At the same time, expecting that I will not be shut down or be perceived as distant or to not feel anger is unrealistic. They are who they are just as I am who I am. However, accepting them for who they are does not mean we have to just sit there and take it. Of course, there is a difference in experiencing these as feelings, and NOT behaving in a reaction to these feelings. In identifying the real or perceived fear behind our emotions, we can then process the situation in a healthy manner. We have a right to our emotions, but we cannot act out in dysfunctional ways because of our emotions. We can instead remove ourselves from the situation. Much easier said than done, I know. Recognize the specific person that is igniting emotion, cope with it in a manner that meets your needs and set necessary boundaries, so these emotions do not bleed onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The Book of Regrets

We are told that we have our whole lives to look forward to, we are the masters of our existence and have the power to change our circumstances and embrace all of the infinite possibilities of how our futures can unfold. I am one of those people that preach exactly that and yet, we often fail to acknowledge the fear of uncertainty that holds us back. This uncertainty is a mirror to what is written in our book of regrets. All the ways we have failed ourselves and how the world has failed us, written in our subconscious as a gentle or rather violent reminder of why it is easier and safer not to take that leap of faith.  

The Book of Regrets- the one force strong enough to keep us feeling stuck and unable to move forward.

I am overcome with emotion knowing that my heart was at war with my mind (Again). At this point in my life’s journey, I know who I am and what matters to me. I feel tattered at this moment because my values have been violated and not only that, but what I valued most in this relationship has now come under scrutiny. Who can possibly be a harsher judge than the voice inside of me.

How am I supposed to make amends within me when I am forced to face the inevitable loss that I must endure? For either I will betray myself in the process of accepting this situation or let go of the hope I had finally started to allow myself to feel in order to keep the status quo. I feel unsafe and my entire being is screaming that I am walking into a trap.  I have seen these signs before, and it warns of a story known to so many and even in my own narrative that I do not want to read again.

When faced with a situation of cognitive dissonance, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces, we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.

 Identify the primary emotion or perspective in that specific situation- for me, it was fear of loss. This loss defined so many things. I would lose respect for myself, I would lose the other person, and I would lose all the growth I fought relentlessly to achieve.

Think a bit further into it and try to identify what that would mean- the secondary perspective.

This fear would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I can hope all I want to believe in a secure future with a partner and it will always result in me not being good enough and there will always be another allure. The loss in staying would be sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me. This fear also confirms that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find, is ultimately a mirage.

My book of regrets will go from being a novel to a tome no matter which choice I make.

It is crucial in these moments to understand the “why” behind our fears, otherwise we will continue to swim in them without getting anywhere until we are close to drowning. The “why” holds the key to understanding who we are in order to identify what created these fears and what value are we trying to uphold that is being threatened.  By identifying these values, we will separate ourselves from the grips of the reactive/ survival emotions of the amygdala (inner goat brain) to the working thought processes of the prefrontal cortex (somewhat self-regulatory and reasonable brain).  

Our values stemming from the life we have lived and the life we are wanting to create is at the heart of our sense of self. How do we prevent the loss of our identity? BOUNDARIES. An effective way of setting and communicating boundaries is to have a rundown of the emotions (fear), the reason behind the emotions (need) how and what felt violated (values) and finally the expectation of a behavior going forward (boundaries).

Emotions are a mirror of our needs which are an extension of our values. If the fear is loss, the need is to have someone to belong to which makes the value to be accepted. Often times, the intensity of the need overrides the boundaries that should be in place because the need is stronger than the rational reasons to have standards. However strong that need may be, ask yourself if losing your identity is worth any benefit that could possibly be there at that time. The answer may be yes for that moment, so think long term. As you lose your identity, you lose touch with your sense of self which is like losing your center of gravity. You will inevitably find yourself free falling and untethered to anything that could make you feel grounded.

The only person that can give you a sense of stability and security is YOU. As much as it pains you now to face these fears, know that it is taking you one step closer to the life you do want. One that reflects your needs and values so that those existing within your world, can be there effortlessly. You will work, grow, learn, and laugh together. There will be shared experiences and shared understandings where you will not have to fight to be heard, seen, or accepted. There will be a simplicity in existing so all of your energies can go towards undiscovered adventures enveloped in love. For in honoring and loving yourself, you can then create a world to give AND have the same efforts given back to you.  

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Are You A People Pleaser?

Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become. 

Insomnia During a Breakup

There is an actual name for a broken heart: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This long-winded word means extreme stress from heartbreak, and it is a very real experience some people have to go through. 

Heartbreak is a living, breathing personal torment that most of us encounter at one point or another in our lives. The loss of love can present itself in a form so severe, the grief can leave room for many other serious conditions such as insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and even suicide or death.

 “It has been concluded that rejection and emotional and physical pain are all processed in the same regions of the brain,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW. “The experience of heartbreak is so potent that researchers have concluded that those who have recently been through a breakup display similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain.”

She continues, “I believe that heartbreak is one of the most emotionally grueling experiences anyone can go through.”

Such severe emotions no doubt have a profound effect on your sleep, when memories of happier times can creep into your mind and invade your thoughts when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. When you are moving on from heartbreak, sleep can feel like the enemy. 

For some, getting the sleep needed to heal is easier said than done, so we have some tips to help. 

Why Heartbreaks Make It Difficult To Sleep

There is a science-backed reason for why love is so addictive. Love increases the feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, but when we experience heartbreak, these hormones decrease, and we receive more of the stress hormone cortisol.

“Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of the hormones our brain releases when we become really attached to someone or something,” says Queensland Health. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by an area of the body called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. It is most commonly associated with the body’s fight-or-flight response.

It all has to do with your circadian rhythm. This is a 24-hour cycle based on periods of day and night when you are awake and at rest. Your body’s cortisol production is lowest around midnight and usually peaks in the morning, around 9 am or an hour after you wake up. You will still receive small boosts of cortisol throughout the day but nothing too prominent.

When you have too much cortisol over an extended period of time, it can lead to some unpleasant symptoms. Cortisol could be to blame for the anxiety and nausea you feel during a breakup, as well as any acne and weight gain. 

Short-term effectsTemporary effectsLong-term effects• Rapid heart rate
• Spike in blood sugar
• Rapid breathing
• Sharpened senses• Mood changes
• Digestion and metabolism changes
• Improved immune system
• Headaches• Acne
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
• Heart disease

For many nursing a broken heart, high cortisol levels are a leading reason why it’s so difficult to find sleep.

Research shows that when there is too much activity in the HPA axis, it can cause you to suffer from fragmented sleep, shortened sleep, or even insomnia. Sleep apnea is another example of conditions triggered by increased cortisol production. 

Stress and trauma are common causes of cortisol, but research shows that some extreme traumas can actually cause your cortisol levels to drop. To counteract an imbalance in cortisol, experts recommend a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables. Fish oil and ashwagandha supplements can also help, along with moderate exercise, meditation and deep breathing.

Insomnia and the stages of heartbreak

Heartbreak can pertain to two different types of insomnia: sleep-onset insomnia, which means trouble falling asleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia, which is when you have trouble staying asleep.

This can impact your sleep in different ways as you progress through these stages.

1. Question

Sometimes, relationships end without giving us the understanding we feel we need to process and move on. Many a restless night has been spent trying to find answers to the nagging question of, Why? It is an answer you may never receive, but it’s still reason enough to keep you up at night with rising anxiety.

1. Apathy

The absence of answers can lead to an overall feeling of apathy where you feel numb. It may be hard to feel anything at all, and you may feel like you are moving on auto-pilot. It is hard to get excited or muster up a ton of care about things, often because you are over-extended emotionally, and it can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep. Don’t worry, however, as this will pass. 

1. Anger

The next stage is anger. It’s only natural to feel more than a little mad as you work out the reasons why your relationship ended. You may feel angry at yourself, angry at your partner or just angry at the overall situation. Either way, the bristling anger and biting frustration can keep you up at night when you ought to be resting.

1. Grief

At the end of it all comes the grief. Regardless of whether your relationship ended on good terms, it marks the end of a period in your life. It can be especially difficult to deal with when your ex moves on quickly with someone new. Social media may also prove to be a torment as you sacrifice sleep to follow the latest in your ex’s life via Facebook or Instagram.  

While you mourn your loss, it’s very likely that you may experience insomnia or nightmares.

How To Get Better Sleep While Experiencing These Feelings

A heartbreak is a difficult thing most of us will experience in our lifetime, but it becomes a little more manageable with some strategic help. 

These are some things you can do to help you find rest easier each night so you don’t have to sacrifice your sleep while you are mending a broken heart.

• Leave your phone in another room.

Blue light from your phone and other devices can make it very hard for you to fall asleep at night. To keep yourself from reaching for the phone, and keep it in another room instead. This will also help you resist the urge to check up on your ex or walk down memory lane with old photos or messages.  

• Schedule time to be sad.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have time to be sad, but at the same time, you have to allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a major loss that requires time and space in order to heal, but well-intentioned friends, family, and colleagues may make that difficult to attain. Instead, schedule some time for yourself, so you have a chance to deal with your emotions privately before you continue about your day or night.  

• Take time for self-care.

When you’re going through a breakup, you’re not usually feeling at your very best. That is why it is so important to give yourself extra care and attention during this period. The better rested and taken care of you are, the better able you will be to defeat this heartbreak. Consider using some of our many self-care tips before bed to help you fall asleep and rest better.  

• Mind your exercise and nutrition.

When we go through a breakup, we tend to reach for items of comfort, and foods like ice cream, chocolate and fast food aren’t necessarily friendly on the caloric scale. Your exercise and nutrition can be one of the first things you stop worrying about after a breakup, but this is when they are more important than ever. By maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise, you not only protect your physical health but your mental health, too. In addition to that, a healthy lifestyle can also improve your sleep health.

• Sleep aids

There are several types of non-addictive sleep aids that you can use for improved sleep.

1. Melatonin

This is a natural hormone produced by your body that tells your brain when it is time to rest. You can naturally increase levels through a melatonin supplement, which can work as a sleeping aid to help you sleep better. It has also been proven to improve the quality and duration of daytime sleep.

1. Lavender

Lavender can be used in several forms to improve your sleep. You can use it as an oil to put on your pillow, or you can choose a lavender tea to sip on before bed. It has been shown not only to help you fall asleep, but also stay asleep longer with improved sleep quality.

1. Magnesium

Magnesium is a natural mineral that has been shown to help improve both brain function and heart health. It can also help quiet errant thoughts and relax your body, so you can fall asleep easier. Studies show that when you do not have enough magnesium in your body, you are at a higher risk for insomnia.  

1. Valerian root

This natural herb can help several different issues, such as anxiety, depression and menopause. You can use this herbal supplement to help improve the quality of sleep. Scientists continue to study the long-term effects, but it has been successful in helping many with insomnia.

• Journaling

Journaling before bed can be an extremely therapeutic way to record your thoughts and clear your brain before bed. It allows you a private place where you can safely express your thoughts about your breakup without fear of reprisal or judgment. Journaling is a fantastic way to purge your thoughts in a healthy way, so they do not interfere with your sleep. Some people actually find it very therapeutic to write a breakup letter but never send it, using the experience as an outlet to say all the things they wished that they had the opportunity to say.

• Reclaiming your space

After sharing a space with someone for so long, it can be very difficult to suddenly find yourself sleeping alone. The bed can feel too big, too cold, and too crowded from memories long past. Use this opportunity as a chance to redecorate and make your bedroom your own. Buy new bedding, or splurge on an all-new bed altogether! Some of the best mattresses can improve your sleep without breaking the bank.  

With a little creativity, you can turn your heartbreak into a celebration of self.

Bottom Line

There is no denying that the pain of heartache is very real. It can prevent you from finding the sleep that you so desperately need to heal from such a significant loss. Your body’s natural circadian rhythm can fall off course, and suddenly, you can find yourself battling insomnia while you also struggle to mend a broken heart.

“When you’re suffering from a broken heart, it can be very difficult to quiet down your mind, shut it down and get some rest,” says Ronald A. Alexander.

Sleep is an integral part of recovering from a heartbreak, but finding rest can be hard when the mind and heart weigh so heavy from a recent loss. The most important part is to establish a regular routine with healthy habits that will reinforce rest and relaxation.

https://myslumberyard.com/blog/insomnia-during-a-breakup/
Lauren Thomas, Sleep Ninja

Comparison: The Thief of Holiday Joy

The holiday season is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.  

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is reliable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

In an attempt at understanding where these patterns have possibly formed, think back on your childhood and how you or other members of the family were met at their return home from the day. Was the first experience of seeing a loved one enter the home met with warmth and hugs, a barrage of questions of whether the days expectations were met or was it a contemptuous feeling that seemed unsafe?  

If you’re overly cautious in romantic relationships, you may unconsciously be responding to your upbringing of a challenging relationship with a caregiver. Maybe you had an emotionally volatile authority figure who didn’t prioritize your needs, making you feel anxious and unworthy. Our responses to how we interact and engage in all relationships are based on the schemas we formed as a child.

Schemas are little blueprints of what certain things should be. If the authority figure in your life didn’t prioritize your needs, asking for your needs to be met will feel anxiety ridden and make you feel unworthy. Especially if one or both caregivers were physically or emotionally absent from your life. That feeling of abandonment would have left an imprint on your schema (life blueprint) that relationships and love are connected to loss.

These wounds can often go so deep that being hurt emotionally is all we know and what we have come to expect from a relationship. The understanding of intimacy becomes in response to being able to survive on our own. Therefore, caring for someone can feel scary and overwhelming when loving is associated with eventual pain.

We long for that emotional bond and at the same time, fear that they will hurt us and oftentimes, they do. When we give others the opportunity to decide who we get to “play” with in order to prevent being rejected or abandoned, that privilege then becomes entitlement. We hand over our power and become ensnared in the tug of war for autonomy and acceptance. Our setback comes from the dissonance between understanding a situation and knowing that just because we empathize with it, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it. Losing yourself in the process of loving someone else isn’t love. 

Those coming from childhood dynamics of hurt, rejection (not being worthy) or abandonment can result in adult relationships that manifest as further examples or symptoms of the same types of pain. We may be in situations where it seems as though it is a good partnership, then over time the person turns out to be codependent, needy or volatile. To others, they seem charming, and we are left wondering where we are going wrong.

Another example could be inadvertently connecting with those who are jealous, emotionally unstable, controlling or easily angered as though we are triggering the dark side in the people we care for. Alternately, those we love are emotionally unavailable and do not put in the effort in understanding us on a deeper level and investing in an equal and conscious way. We chase the love and approval in the hopes that if I love you hard enough, maybe one day you will love me the same way in return.

Remember, we unconsciously choose based on what we know, and if what we know of relationships are to be distant, ambivalent, or absent, we will gravitate towards that because anything else innately feels unnatural and as a result very uncomfortable. No one would willingly choose those who perpetuate our childhood wounds and this is not a deliberate choice you make or one that we willfully attract. It is not our fault, and therefore we cannot judge ourselves for acting on impulses we were not aware of.

On the flip side it is possible that we become and take on the characteristics of our wounds. We end up being the ones who struggle with emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability and end up pushing people away. We choose those who seem non-threatening and safe so that we are in control of how the relationship will unfold.

Identifying childhood dynamics allows us the power to be able to choose differently as an adult. It will continue to influence our view of relationships and how we naturally engage with partners, however, we can choose not to act on it and find another path of behaving. It is necessary to own these qualities and experiences from our past in order to understand how the pattern of relationships is formed. Love and commit to yourself first. Over time, the new behavior patterns will become less uncomfortable and unnatural while the healthy way of engaging will help the relationships grow and give new examples of how things can go well. Remember, the only person that can define your experience or existence is you.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.

Learning To Love Yourself

Self-love begins with inner-balance and peace. We have to recognize all the experiences, beliefs, and perceptions that make up who we are. They represent the different aspects of you, which must be brought into harmony in order to regain standpoint of self-love. We can heal any wound, and free ourselves from suffering whenever we choose to view our experiences through the lens of acceptance.

Do you have difficulty with truly loving yourself? Are you able to open your heart and be completely honest about who you are, and what you feel? Are you able to look at where you are at in life right now with tolerance and inner peace?

We have two elements that make up the personality- the rational and the emotive self. Some people attribute it to the masculine and feminine characteristics of what makes up our way of being. The rational self is the part that works in the "real world." The masculine or rational part of the self wants to mentally figure everything out with a logical explanation. The emotive self represents your emotional depth and capacity to feel and works in the realm of “what could or may be” rather than focused on the “what is”.

When a person relies heavily on the rational or masculine side of self, (yours truly ha-ha), they operate from a fear of the unknown and need control, protection, and balance. Status (where am I in the process), strength and reason become their primary focus to avoid situations that threaten their sense of value and security.

Alternately, those who fall more on the emotive or feminine side of self-have the goal of keeping the peace and safeguarding what they value even at the cost of themselves. They often feel too deeply and have a hard time being able to step outside the sensitive heart and therefore is often wounded. This leads to having no boundaries which always opens the person up to harm.

Without conflict, (boundaries, speaking your truth, asking for what you need) there can never be growth. Leaning on one side over the other deprives us on elements that make experiencing the world beautiful. We need the emotive (feminine) side of ourselves to experience depth, intrigue, connection, understanding and healing. The rational (masculine) side provides balance, protection, safety, and progressive movement.  

We need to integrate both parts in order to love yourself for without accepting all that make you uniquely you, there is no love.  You have to look down on the different parts of the self with compassion, acceptance, and perspective. This is how we foster inner peace. The "rational" self (male) must understand the real “emotive” self (female) to find peace and harmony. Make peace with your feelings by being honest about where you have come from and the experiences that have shaped who you are today. It is necessary to bare it all to yourself. Oftentimes we hide our true feelings about what we have gone through to avoid being overcome with the meanings they hold.

We fall out of harmony by attaching ourselves to only one aspect of our lives and losing the perspective of us as a whole. Ruminating with emotions too much we lose sight of the world's unlimited opportunities. Concern for status, safety or how we appear to others can bring an equal measure of suffering. Practice releasing feelings of inhibition that keep you covering things up to maintain an image of strength, competency, or resilience.

Today, it's time to love yourself and everything that makes you so beautifully you. Look on yourself with wise, accepting, compassionate eyes. We all have a past and some are more tattered than others. Every experience leading up to today has shaped and influenced how you see the world today. We cannot have a hatred or resentment for who we were before we knew how to be different. We couldn’t have reacted differently without the lessons we have learned since then, so don’t judge yourself based on the person you are now. Each transformation of self is another example of the wonderment that is you- the journey has just begun.   

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Can't Seem To Get Motivated: What Gives?

The cooler weather brings with it the love of warm drinks, sweater weather and cozy blanket forts. It also drags along with it the shorter days, dreary weather, and a reluctance to get up in the morning to get moving. Just as there are the changes and transitions in the weather, there are also transitions in us. 

The transitions are at times welcomed with open arms and others are rejected with everything we can muster. Some shifts are monumental and some barely leave a mark until one day we look back and see just how far we have come.

If you look at your past in its totality, you will realize that along with difficulties there were times when you were joyful and optimistic. The past holds important clues as to what will bring you fulfillment in the future.

How do you tell the difference between avoidance and procrastination? The difference is based on the emotional value we place on these tasks. Putting them in categories will help shed light on which ones would be the simpler one to tackle.

The “I don’t want to do it” (procrastination) vs. “this gives me so much anxiety” (avoidance) categories. It’s differentiating the emotional and mental energy that it would take.

Even when there is an understanding that the tasks need to be completed, the reason it doesn’t get done is that the consequence for stalling isn’t strong enough to elicit movement towards completion.

The only way to move through this rut is understanding and processing the possible mental association we have behind them.

To help with figuring out what the underlying meaning is, write a list of demanding tasks that need to be completed in a particular time frame.

Once you have this list, I want you to separate them into two categories of what feels like avoidance and what is procrastination.

The list under procrastination could be the easiest to start with because it has the least amount of emotional attachment.

One item nearly ALWAYS under procrastination is laundry for me. I could easily say that the reason I drag my feet on this is that I don’t like it, or it’s annoying. That is the reason, but there is more to it than that.

Ask yourself why?

Just because I don’t like it, or its annoying doesn’t mean that its enough of a reason to stay stuck. There are plenty of other things that get accomplished that I do not like to do, e.g. get gas, taking out the trash, or vacuuming the floors.

WHY is doing the laundry a problem? Why is annoying or why do I not want to do it?  

The thought process goes like this: I don’t like doing it, it’s an extra time-consuming chore that takes too much energy sometimes… AND it is because it feels never ending. I cleaned up the closet, put up all the clothes, folded and put everything in drawers YESTERDAY afternoon and this morning, my son tells me the washer is nearly full.

I can’t ever get ahead of it and it feels as though even if I put in this effort, it won’t stay that way and I will need to do more in a day or two again.

So, I’ll leave the two baskets of clean clothes will stay there. Because WHAT’S THE POINT?! Hahaha

In bringing this core understanding of our motive behind the hesitation, we can use this awareness to work past it. We get stuck on these chores because we do not process the reason behind being stuck.

In realizing that the issue here with putting away the laundry is that I do not feel there is a reward for all of that effort, I can then start working on changing that outlook.

As I mentioned before, we will not follow through on a behavior if it is not something we value or if the consequence for stalling isn’t detrimental. It will get done eventually but, “eventually” creates a sense of unsteadiness and low sense of accomplishment/ achievement/ worth.

We have to work within what we value. I value cleanliness, but in my mind, the clean clothes in a basket tucked in the closet is still being clean. So, how do I make myself put away the clothes?

I had the basket next to my bed and tripped over it in the middle of the night. That was motivation enough to move the basket to the closet. That was consequence driven. I want to help you get to where the decision is desire driven so the behavior will become a habit and not constantly avoided.

We must come up with a reason that makes doing it valuable so it will get done.

•     Doing laundry because it has the shirt I want to wear, or a dress that needs to hang dry, so I can wear it on a date.

•     Getting administrative work done because I want money

•      Working out regularly because my thighs are touching again or because I only watch certain upbeat dance songs that I love when I am on the elliptical, so I make myself get on it, so I jam.

You may not value unpacking the boxes, but you may value what the end result will bring you: the room being complete, personal escape/ oasis, or curiosity of what’s been packed away; trip down memory lane.

You may not enjoy running every day, but you need the solitude that brings peace from the people in your life for that one moment out of the entire day.

Oftentimes we get stuck in the failure aspect of not getting things done which is why it is important to just take the first step towards a change. Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don’t want to do it, find what aspect of the action will make it worthwhile. Slowly let the internal messages reveal themselves to you and start your shift.

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

Impostor Syndrome

When we have spent more time than not, judging and being critical of our own abilities, it is difficult to shed the cloak of uncertainty and inferiority. I have had these moments in just about all aspects of my life from motherhood, to my career to even my writing.

At what time in your life did you feel you were strongest? Do you sometimes forget you are still that same person?

Strength is not manifested by large displays of power, but by gentle, compassionate, self-directed corrections in the form of good decisions.

You are more powerful than you may give yourself credit for. Power in the sense of how you can choose the next steps you take.

We get stuck in ruts, and sometimes it feels that we can't change something because we've been acting that way so long that it is just part of who we are. But that’s just not true. It is difficult to go against your “natural grain” of what you’ve become accustomed to being, AND it is still possible to do something different.

Despite your fears, nothing has been irreparably “messed up” yet.

At times, the issue we are actually having is not the fear of messing up, but rather the lack of confidence you have in your ability to cope when the “failure” happens.

That’s where we behave in all kinds of ways to prevent ourselves from having to experience that original pain of the “failure”.

Make a list of these behaviors. Is it that you are holding yourself back from being vulnerable? Preventing yourself from letting go of a past grievance? Keeping yourself in the safe zone of work responsibility without taking risks?

By paying attention to the self sabotaging behaviors, we can make sense of what is keeping us from getting to where we ideally want to be.

Are you clear on what you want out of life? If someone asks you what you want out of life, do you respond, "to be happy," without even knowing what that means for you?

Make a list of the different aspects that make up your life. Mine include motherhood, career, family, social life, romantic life, hobbies, spirituality, and physical health.

With this list of the different areas of your life, I want you to then write a paragraph of what this one element looks like at the moment and then underneath it, write another paragraph of the ideal version of what you would like this area to reflect. Do this for the remaining aspects.

This will not only have you reflect on where you are now, but also paint a picture of what you are working towards. Our subconscious brains respond best to imagery and our conscious brains work best with a clear understanding of the path you are wanting to follow.

Remember, it is important to have your ideal vision reflect reality. For example: In my family aspect and my relationship with my parents, it would be amazing to be able to turn to my father for empathy and emotional support. However, I cannot list this because that is expecting a change from someone who is not me. Also, my father is someone to turn to for solutions and tough love, not empathy- that is NOT who he is, so to hope to find that in him, is self-sabotage.

Instead, I can put in my ideal version to have male figures in my life who provide emotional safety and empathy when I need that kind of support. Or, to work towards turning to my father only for the other kinds of support and being able to recognize and appreciate the forms of love and support he does provide.

Once you have gone through all the aspects of your life in this way, commit to taking at least one step towards any one of these elements through action. Just one in any one of these 6 areas every day in a conscious and mindful choice. This will affirm your strength.

Acting in the face of fear proves your courage, which then becomes self-esteem.

Write them down on a calendar or notebook where you can record your movement, great or small. You can also choose to incorporate a time you faced your fear and prevailed.

Every time you meet a challenge you are afraid of, and persevere, write it down. I prefer a calendar that I can go back to and see the specific day of what I did that brought me closer to the life I want to lead.

This is written proof that you can accomplish what you once thought impossible. It will be a repository of hard evidence, proving that you can handle the issue confronting you.

Remember that you have come so far and can go even further.

Most of us are being too hard on ourselves in the quest for self-improvement. Today, be kinder to yourself when taming the unruly parts of your experience. It is important that you aren’t just courageous, but that you are also respecting who you are and what makes you strong.

Look at this moment as a snapshot of where you are on your path and be present with your life and see it as it truly is before proceeding.

What do you love about your life currently? Can you name the moments that bring you peace? Which elements do you wish would change?

Accept your life and the lessons you currently find yourself learning. Breathe in the truth of your life at this moment and give yourself the grace to recognize where you’ve been, who you are now, and the person you are working on becoming.

Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given

Strong people are made- not born.

 Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?

Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.

 My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.

Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.

Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.

 Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.

Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?

As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.

While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?

True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-

Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.

Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.

Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.  

So, now what?

You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?

Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.

I am _________ when I set a boundary.

I am _________ when I ask for what I need.

I am _________ when I show my feelings.

I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.

Step two is reframing the belief.

The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.

Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.

Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.

Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.

Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.   

What do I do?

In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.

 Belief #1,  I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.

Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.

Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.

The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.

Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.

Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.

If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.

Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.  

To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.

The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.

Playing Good Cop/ Bad Cop In Parenting: Does It Work?

All parents, I can confidently say, have fallen into the parenting trap of being the good cop or bad cop from time to time.

While married, I was typically the bad cop who enforced the rules, managed the schedules and basically the one on the front line of this wonderful battle called parenting; often leading to tantrums, tears and tumultuous attempts at consistency. Our lives reflected the imbalance of maintaining structure given that I worked while the children were at school, and he didn’t make it home until dinner was close to finished.

When their father came home, he was greeted with smiles and excitement because he was, by nature, the fun playful father or in other words, the good cop.

As you are reading this you may smile in recognition of these dynamics or eve roll your eyes in resignation if these are reflections of a part of your parenting regimen. Sounds harmless I’m sure, however, these polar dynamics can instill patterns in behavior that can become challenging in fostering and maintaining healthy relationships.

Parents are different people, so of course their relationships with their children will differ and that doesn’t have to mean better or worse. What can be a problem is when parents allow their children’s temporary preferences to solidify into unhealthy roles, such as “the nice parent versus the mean parent,” “the capable parent versus the inept parent”, or “the involved parent versus the uninvolved parent.”

These types of rigid roles hurt both parents and children.

In a well-functioning family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents, being the secure base of the family to avoid the “divide and conquer” dynamic.

This difference in parenting styles, on the surface may seem to be due to personality styles. I am “type A” and therefore am more comfortable in establishing and maintaining order, and he is… Not (hahahah) and therefore seems more carefree and energetic. In my experience working as a mental health therapist, things are never as simple as they seem.

Ask yourself, why do you need to maintain structure, when sometimes it may be OK to let it flow just a bit? Why do you need understanding and leniency when a bit of a reality check might be necessary for the child? What are the underlying beliefs about this way of parenting and where do you think they come from? What needs are we fulfilling in our parenting styles for ourselves?

Understanding this element of yourself and your partner could serve in a deeper connection, emotional intimacy and strength in your role as parents.

It is the manifestation and perpetuation of these rigid roles that leads to what is called Triangulation in family systems theory. Murray Bowen theorized that people’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to assure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in others’ conflicts.

In other words, a triangle creates an odd man out, while two are connected against one.

Bowen theorized that a two-person emotional system is unstable in that it forms itself into a three-person system or triangle under stress. They intentionally or more commonly, unintentionally create confusion as a means of controlling the situation in a passive way.

Triangulation or establishing this good cop vs. bad cop, can become unhealthy in families when it causes undue stress on the third party and/or when it prevents, resolution of the dyad’s conflict.

There are three components to triangulation:

1. Persecutor: This label describes an individual who attacks the others who are participants in the triangle.

2. Rescuer: This is a person either within the created triangle or outside the triangle that acts as a rescuer or someone who is the “saving grace.”

3. Victim: This label describes an individual who carries an attitude, in some situations (if not all), of “poor me.” While there are cases in which the person is the victim (due to how they are being treated by others), the triangle describes a person who creates a triangle in such a way that they become the “victim.”

In a family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents and in a well-functioning family, the parental bond needs to be the secure base of the family to avoid the “good cop/bad cop” dynamic.

It may seem innocuous; however, these roles can create lasting hindrances to individuation of the child and rift in the emotional safety of all parties.

Inconsistent messages from Mom and Dad can leave kids unsure of what is expected or appropriate. Plus, they feel guilty that their behavior has caused a conflict.

Having to always be the enforcer can make one parent feel resentful toward the other. This resentment can lead to a larger drift when one doesn’t feel respected or supported in the decision-making or carrying out of the consequences.

Not only that, arguments can strain the relationship between parents, and leave kids favoring one parent over the other or making them feel as though they need to be loyal and defend one parent.

The truth is, kids need both sides of parenting. They need love, they need fun. They need boundaries, they need freedom. They need silly, AND they need “the look” every once in a while.

A united front is so important for your children’s sense of security and safety and for your relationship with your partner. Be strong and stick to the decisions you made together, and everyone will know where they stand and thrive as a family unit.