Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Comparison: The Thief of Holiday Joy

The holiday season is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.  

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is reliable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

In an attempt at understanding where these patterns have possibly formed, think back on your childhood and how you or other members of the family were met at their return home from the day. Was the first experience of seeing a loved one enter the home met with warmth and hugs, a barrage of questions of whether the days expectations were met or was it a contemptuous feeling that seemed unsafe?  

If you’re overly cautious in romantic relationships, you may unconsciously be responding to your upbringing of a challenging relationship with a caregiver. Maybe you had an emotionally volatile authority figure who didn’t prioritize your needs, making you feel anxious and unworthy. Our responses to how we interact and engage in all relationships are based on the schemas we formed as a child.

Schemas are little blueprints of what certain things should be. If the authority figure in your life didn’t prioritize your needs, asking for your needs to be met will feel anxiety ridden and make you feel unworthy. Especially if one or both caregivers were physically or emotionally absent from your life. That feeling of abandonment would have left an imprint on your schema (life blueprint) that relationships and love are connected to loss.

These wounds can often go so deep that being hurt emotionally is all we know and what we have come to expect from a relationship. The understanding of intimacy becomes in response to being able to survive on our own. Therefore, caring for someone can feel scary and overwhelming when loving is associated with eventual pain.

We long for that emotional bond and at the same time, fear that they will hurt us and oftentimes, they do. When we give others the opportunity to decide who we get to “play” with in order to prevent being rejected or abandoned, that privilege then becomes entitlement. We hand over our power and become ensnared in the tug of war for autonomy and acceptance. Our setback comes from the dissonance between understanding a situation and knowing that just because we empathize with it, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it. Losing yourself in the process of loving someone else isn’t love. 

Those coming from childhood dynamics of hurt, rejection (not being worthy) or abandonment can result in adult relationships that manifest as further examples or symptoms of the same types of pain. We may be in situations where it seems as though it is a good partnership, then over time the person turns out to be codependent, needy or volatile. To others, they seem charming, and we are left wondering where we are going wrong.

Another example could be inadvertently connecting with those who are jealous, emotionally unstable, controlling or easily angered as though we are triggering the dark side in the people we care for. Alternately, those we love are emotionally unavailable and do not put in the effort in understanding us on a deeper level and investing in an equal and conscious way. We chase the love and approval in the hopes that if I love you hard enough, maybe one day you will love me the same way in return.

Remember, we unconsciously choose based on what we know, and if what we know of relationships are to be distant, ambivalent, or absent, we will gravitate towards that because anything else innately feels unnatural and as a result very uncomfortable. No one would willingly choose those who perpetuate our childhood wounds and this is not a deliberate choice you make or one that we willfully attract. It is not our fault, and therefore we cannot judge ourselves for acting on impulses we were not aware of.

On the flip side it is possible that we become and take on the characteristics of our wounds. We end up being the ones who struggle with emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability and end up pushing people away. We choose those who seem non-threatening and safe so that we are in control of how the relationship will unfold.

Identifying childhood dynamics allows us the power to be able to choose differently as an adult. It will continue to influence our view of relationships and how we naturally engage with partners, however, we can choose not to act on it and find another path of behaving. It is necessary to own these qualities and experiences from our past in order to understand how the pattern of relationships is formed. Love and commit to yourself first. Over time, the new behavior patterns will become less uncomfortable and unnatural while the healthy way of engaging will help the relationships grow and give new examples of how things can go well. Remember, the only person that can define your experience or existence is you.

Why So Anxious?

To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.

It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.

We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.

With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.

Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.

Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.

The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.

Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.

So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.

Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.

Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.

As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?

 Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.

Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.

For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.

The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.

Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.

We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.

When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.

Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.

Not Good Enough & Anxiety

Not being good enough... This has been a recurring theme in most of my sessions today. No matter what we actually explored, it usually came back to the feeling of “I'm not good enough”. Sometimes it is not as blatant as that, but sometimes it is, coming back to a sense of fear; of not living up to expectations. But what does this mean, “I'm not good enough”?

I have struggled with this feeling my entire life and being where I am now, having been practicing as long as I have, I genuinely believed that I had worked though my issues with self-esteem and self-worth. I had thought that this feeling is not something that I carry or harbor anymore, but it is sneaky… it creeps up on you when you do not even see it there. Its lurking when a new opportunity, venture, project, or relationship hits. Voila- there it is manifesting as pause- A pause where this feeling, of not being good enough, pops into the back of your mind.

 In examining this pause, you can ask yourself- am I pausing because it is new, uncharted, unexplored territory and I am uncertain of what is going to happen? That pause of I wonder- is healthy. Or is it a pause of “I cannot”, a fear-based pause?

I talk a lot about fear based and desire-based pauses in my sessions because the things that we do typically falls under one or the other. An example of desire based response is “this is fun for me, I enjoy it”, while a fear based response is “I have to do this because I'm trying to avoid a consequence” or “I have to do this because I am trying to prove something to myself or other people”. If this belief is something we struggle with, not feeling good enough will bleed into everything we do. It rears its ugly head into places where there should be joy. It is the opposite of confidence, of “I’ve got this”, and of empowerment. This feeling goes a step further and is a manifestation of a heavy feeling in the chest, quickening of the heart, out of fear or dread.

We all experience this pause- even when we truly get to know who we are- but for some of us, the pause lasts a little too long and creates doubt, which can then manifest into anxiety.

It transforms and builds. Anxiety is a feeling more than nervousness; it serves as a warning. With my personal experience through research and professional practice, I have noticed and learned that everything we experience happens for a reason. I am not talking about divine reason. My meaning is that our emotional and cognitive experiences, serves a purpose, whether it is a beneficial or harmful to our wellbeing. Every reaction, every thought we have, serves a purpose. It is there when we are lacking something (such as security, certainty, stability, congruence etc..) or because of prior history. Anxiety serves as a warning to either “hey, pay attention to this because it is threatening” or “hey, do you know what’s going to happen if you do this?” Most of the time the ones we recognize are the “what are you thinking, do you understand how you’re going to crash and burn if you do this” warnings.

If you look at this feeling of anxiety, where does it live? What do I mean by that? You see, all of our emotions live somewhere in our body. It sounds crazy, I know, but think about it. When you feel scared, what do you feel physiologically? Commonly, when you feel scared it is something in your chest. A lot of people say, “I felt it in my chest, my heart skipped a beat”, for some, it is like something dropped in the pit of their stomach. For others, like myself, fear is a tingly sensation going down to the fingers. Take loneliness, as another example. For me, loneliness makes me feel physically cold. I can be under my comforter, with the quilt on top and still feel cold, even with my house set on 75! Seriously 2 blankets and I still feel cold!? Either I am sick or something else is up. And in being mindful and paying attention to what was happening before and now after I have been able to connect the dots to every time that I feel lonely, I feel cold. Every emotion has a place it lives in your body so take an accounting of were these different feelings resonate.  

Why do we need to pay attention to what is going on? Well, our minds and our bodies are all connected. A lot of times you experience a sensation physically that you are not aware of consciously. For example, 2 years ago, I had just dropped my kids off with their father and they were going to go to school the next day, which happened to be my son’s birthday. After dropping them off, I went to the grocery store to buy candy and things for his goodie bags and cupcakes to take to his school. I know that I had scheduled time to spend his birthday with him at school the following day and we also did something the day before AND had plans for that weekend. If you have not noticed by now, I tend to overcompensate. That is just what I do. So, we got the birthday covered, right? I am parked outside of the grocery store sitting in the car, and I realize that I am having a hard time breathing. So, I take a deep breath and think “okay what’s going on”? I was on the phone with a friend, so I'm talking this through and I think “I don’t know what’s going on…” and then the difficulty breathing started to feel like a pain in my chest, so I was thinking “ooookay… numbness in the arm on the left side and tingly feeling in my fingers… don’t really know why”. Just moments before I was having a great conversation with my friend and had plans to eat dinner and relax later, (which I do not get a lot of time to do) so this is a great moment. The kids are handled with their dad. Everything is good… what is the problem? I consciously, cognitively, could not come up with why. Why am I having this physiological experience unless I am having a heart attack? I thought I might have to go to the ER because maybe this is the beginning of a heart attack. Who knows? I am not old enough to be having this, but we all know that is how it works sometimes. So, I took a moment and thought “okay, this is remarkably similar to having a panic attack… why would I be having a panic attack? What am I panicking over? I am not panicking over anything… I'm laughing, talking, and genuinely excited about having a day off to finally relax, so what is the problem?” I could not figure it out.

Well, those of you who know me would realize, and I know that this is my first of many blogs so you will get to know me- that these kids are everything to me. I breathe and bleed for them. One of my most significant reasons for existing is for these babies. They are my everything, AND for the first time since my son was born, I will not get to wake up with my baby boy on his birthday.  So even though on the surface everything is great- I have a plan for the day, I am going to see him at school, celebrate him that weekend- for the first time ever, I don’t get to wake up with him and start his day singing happy birthday. This change in my reality led to me having a panic attack because someone that is so important to me is going to be inaccessible. When I was able to figure that out, the pressure valve was released a little bit on the anxiety in my brain. That nervousness that had manifested in the panic attack is tied to my worth as a mom. What kind of mother is not there to celebrate her son’s birthday? Is it true? No. Hello… overcompensating mom over here trying to make sure this baby knows he is loved. He knows he is loved. This is my stuff that I needed to work though. Have I yet? No. I am working on it and we are all masterpieces at work on ourselves. I did not feel worthy enough, I did not feel like a good enough mother because I could not make this thing happen. Now, once I attach this belief to the sense of worth, I realize this is a deep wound that the reactions resonates from.

This is just one example of not feeling good enough. We all have our own, and we need to take the time to figure it out. One thing that I can tell you all for sure, is that it is universal. We all experience this from time to time. The next time you feel this anxiety or do not feel good enough, try to see why and where its manifesting from. Its pointing you towards something, be courageous in following the map into your early experiences and unravel the beliefs that color your world and how you live it.