5 Steps to Heal from Gaslighting

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

-New Port Institute/ Mental Health

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof

Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong

Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you

Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior

Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out

Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern

PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

Constantly second-guessing yourself

Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

Walking on eggshells around the other person

Believing that you are too sensitive

Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

Feeling lonely and trapped

Doubting your own memory and sanity

Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

More Sources:

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

Are You A People Pleaser?

Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become. 

Comparison: The Thief of Holiday Joy

The holiday season is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be.  

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

Naturally, we want to be with someone who accepts the person we are. In any relationship, we look for those who will make us their priority as we often do for those who are important. Ideally, we hope for people who are present and want to know and understand everything about us. We wish to have them be devoted to us and who is reliable to share life with. We wish to find a mirrored companion: someone to give you a reflection of something similar to what you are offering.

Oftentimes, the reality of the experiences we tend to have- or may have faced in the past- are less than ideal. Expectations are not met and the feeling of being cared for in the way we hoped didn’t pan out. Instead of being truly seen and fully accepted, we run into conflict, emotional turmoil or even distortion of reality in these relationships.

In an attempt at understanding where these patterns have possibly formed, think back on your childhood and how you or other members of the family were met at their return home from the day. Was the first experience of seeing a loved one enter the home met with warmth and hugs, a barrage of questions of whether the days expectations were met or was it a contemptuous feeling that seemed unsafe?  

If you’re overly cautious in romantic relationships, you may unconsciously be responding to your upbringing of a challenging relationship with a caregiver. Maybe you had an emotionally volatile authority figure who didn’t prioritize your needs, making you feel anxious and unworthy. Our responses to how we interact and engage in all relationships are based on the schemas we formed as a child.

Schemas are little blueprints of what certain things should be. If the authority figure in your life didn’t prioritize your needs, asking for your needs to be met will feel anxiety ridden and make you feel unworthy. Especially if one or both caregivers were physically or emotionally absent from your life. That feeling of abandonment would have left an imprint on your schema (life blueprint) that relationships and love are connected to loss.

These wounds can often go so deep that being hurt emotionally is all we know and what we have come to expect from a relationship. The understanding of intimacy becomes in response to being able to survive on our own. Therefore, caring for someone can feel scary and overwhelming when loving is associated with eventual pain.

We long for that emotional bond and at the same time, fear that they will hurt us and oftentimes, they do. When we give others the opportunity to decide who we get to “play” with in order to prevent being rejected or abandoned, that privilege then becomes entitlement. We hand over our power and become ensnared in the tug of war for autonomy and acceptance. Our setback comes from the dissonance between understanding a situation and knowing that just because we empathize with it, doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it. Losing yourself in the process of loving someone else isn’t love. 

Those coming from childhood dynamics of hurt, rejection (not being worthy) or abandonment can result in adult relationships that manifest as further examples or symptoms of the same types of pain. We may be in situations where it seems as though it is a good partnership, then over time the person turns out to be codependent, needy or volatile. To others, they seem charming, and we are left wondering where we are going wrong.

Another example could be inadvertently connecting with those who are jealous, emotionally unstable, controlling or easily angered as though we are triggering the dark side in the people we care for. Alternately, those we love are emotionally unavailable and do not put in the effort in understanding us on a deeper level and investing in an equal and conscious way. We chase the love and approval in the hopes that if I love you hard enough, maybe one day you will love me the same way in return.

Remember, we unconsciously choose based on what we know, and if what we know of relationships are to be distant, ambivalent, or absent, we will gravitate towards that because anything else innately feels unnatural and as a result very uncomfortable. No one would willingly choose those who perpetuate our childhood wounds and this is not a deliberate choice you make or one that we willfully attract. It is not our fault, and therefore we cannot judge ourselves for acting on impulses we were not aware of.

On the flip side it is possible that we become and take on the characteristics of our wounds. We end up being the ones who struggle with emotional intimacy, trust, vulnerability and end up pushing people away. We choose those who seem non-threatening and safe so that we are in control of how the relationship will unfold.

Identifying childhood dynamics allows us the power to be able to choose differently as an adult. It will continue to influence our view of relationships and how we naturally engage with partners, however, we can choose not to act on it and find another path of behaving. It is necessary to own these qualities and experiences from our past in order to understand how the pattern of relationships is formed. Love and commit to yourself first. Over time, the new behavior patterns will become less uncomfortable and unnatural while the healthy way of engaging will help the relationships grow and give new examples of how things can go well. Remember, the only person that can define your experience or existence is you.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.