Can't Seem To Get Motivated: What Gives?
The cooler weather brings with it the love of warm drinks, sweater weather and cozy blanket forts. It also drags along with it the shorter days, dreary weather, and a reluctance to get up in the morning to get moving. Just as there are the changes and transitions in the weather, there are also transitions in us.
The transitions are at times welcomed with open arms and others are rejected with everything we can muster. Some shifts are monumental and some barely leave a mark until one day we look back and see just how far we have come.
If you look at your past in its totality, you will realize that along with difficulties there were times when you were joyful and optimistic. The past holds important clues as to what will bring you fulfillment in the future.
How do you tell the difference between avoidance and procrastination? The difference is based on the emotional value we place on these tasks. Putting them in categories will help shed light on which ones would be the simpler one to tackle.
The “I don’t want to do it” (procrastination) vs. “this gives me so much anxiety” (avoidance) categories. It’s differentiating the emotional and mental energy that it would take.
Even when there is an understanding that the tasks need to be completed, the reason it doesn’t get done is that the consequence for stalling isn’t strong enough to elicit movement towards completion.
The only way to move through this rut is understanding and processing the possible mental association we have behind them.
To help with figuring out what the underlying meaning is, write a list of demanding tasks that need to be completed in a particular time frame.
Once you have this list, I want you to separate them into two categories of what feels like avoidance and what is procrastination.
The list under procrastination could be the easiest to start with because it has the least amount of emotional attachment.
One item nearly ALWAYS under procrastination is laundry for me. I could easily say that the reason I drag my feet on this is that I don’t like it, or it’s annoying. That is the reason, but there is more to it than that.
Ask yourself why?
Just because I don’t like it, or its annoying doesn’t mean that its enough of a reason to stay stuck. There are plenty of other things that get accomplished that I do not like to do, e.g. get gas, taking out the trash, or vacuuming the floors.
WHY is doing the laundry a problem? Why is annoying or why do I not want to do it?
The thought process goes like this: I don’t like doing it, it’s an extra time-consuming chore that takes too much energy sometimes… AND it is because it feels never ending. I cleaned up the closet, put up all the clothes, folded and put everything in drawers YESTERDAY afternoon and this morning, my son tells me the washer is nearly full.
I can’t ever get ahead of it and it feels as though even if I put in this effort, it won’t stay that way and I will need to do more in a day or two again.
So, I’ll leave the two baskets of clean clothes will stay there. Because WHAT’S THE POINT?! Hahaha
In bringing this core understanding of our motive behind the hesitation, we can use this awareness to work past it. We get stuck on these chores because we do not process the reason behind being stuck.
In realizing that the issue here with putting away the laundry is that I do not feel there is a reward for all of that effort, I can then start working on changing that outlook.
As I mentioned before, we will not follow through on a behavior if it is not something we value or if the consequence for stalling isn’t detrimental. It will get done eventually but, “eventually” creates a sense of unsteadiness and low sense of accomplishment/ achievement/ worth.
We have to work within what we value. I value cleanliness, but in my mind, the clean clothes in a basket tucked in the closet is still being clean. So, how do I make myself put away the clothes?
I had the basket next to my bed and tripped over it in the middle of the night. That was motivation enough to move the basket to the closet. That was consequence driven. I want to help you get to where the decision is desire driven so the behavior will become a habit and not constantly avoided.
We must come up with a reason that makes doing it valuable so it will get done.
Doing laundry because it has the shirt I want to wear, or a dress that needs to hang dry, so I can wear it on a date.
Getting administrative work done because I want money
Working out regularly because my thighs are touching again or because I only watch certain upbeat dance songs that I love when I am on the elliptical, so I make myself get on it, so I jam.
You may not value unpacking the boxes, but you may value what the end result will bring you: the room being complete, personal escape/ oasis, or curiosity of what’s been packed away; trip down memory lane.
You may not enjoy running every day, but you need the solitude that brings peace from the people in your life for that one moment out of the entire day.
Oftentimes we get stuck in the failure aspect of not getting things done which is why it is important to just take the first step towards a change. Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don’t want to do it, find what aspect of the action will make it worthwhile. Slowly let the internal messages reveal themselves to you and start your shift.
Designing The Life You Want
Your life is like a large blank canvas. Even with the limitations of where we are in life- with our background, financial status or education, life is waiting for us to create a masterpiece that depicts your heart’s desire.
This desire driven life can only be formed once we are very clear on what that would mean to us.
Despite your fears, nothing has been irreparably “messed up” yet. There is still time! Time to take the courageous journey toward what is truly fulfilling. The only caveat is, you must stop to identify what “fulfilling” is for you. If you can name your desire, you are on your way to creating it.
Are you clear on what you want out of life? If someone asks you what you want out of life, do you respond, "to be happy, or to be successful" without even knowing what that means for you?
Our sense of fulfillment is often paired with a sense of lack- as though something is missing. Perhaps what we are working towards is actually motivated by what we are running from.
For example:
Staying in this relationship is filling the emptiness in my life. My work is filling the loneliness that I feel may engulf me. I am surrounding myself with a group of people who do not understand me, but at least I am not alone.
These examples resemble living your life from a place that is fear driven. Being afraid of the loneliness or the emptiness that’s there and using work or relationships as a distraction.
Do you think you've failed, or messed up with your life, and you that can't get it back on track?
Take the time to stop, think, and get clear about what feels as though it is missing. At times, it is easier to point out all the things that feel wrong or out of place than what we actually want to create.
With that list of what feels as though it is missing, reframe the fear driven (what is missing and what we are running from) into a desire driven goal.
In the previous example of staying in a relationship because it fills the emptiness, reframe that to say I am looking for elements of this relationship that makes me feel connected, seen and heard.
Think about the big picture value words first and then work on what that would look like in detail.
For me, I want a life that feels purposeful and one where I feel like there’s been a change for the better each day. I want to feel as though there was a point to today that was not just to fulfill my roles as a mother, entrepreneur, therapist or partner.
Now that I am clear on my objective, I can open myself to designing my day to meet that need in the specifics of how I choose to spend my day.
Today will be working with each client to help them find a new element of their psyche and cultivate their strength.
Carving out time to clean and organize my bedroom NOT as the chore that it can feel like, but rather with the focus that I will be able to create a tranquil space to retreat and read for a bit.
I will devote specific time or be mindful of the time in between sessions to be playful with my sons and give lots of encouragement and hugs to one while I focus on mischievous plots to throw socks or sneak up and pounce on the other.
I will reserve the last bit of the day before dinner to retreat into my bubble with a cup of tea and a book to pour back into myself and relax.
All of these things are examples of ordinary things that are purposeful and painting a picture of a day in the life I want to create.
Today, I am asking you to stop, overview, and think about where you are going. Is there something you still want to have, achieve, or be?
If you act on what you truly want for yourself, you won't ever regret it. Acting in the face of fear proves your courage, which becomes confidence in being who you are.
Find what gives you a sense of purpose and go from there. It doesn’t matter what you do with life as far as a career path, social life, hobbies, or relationship as long as it is another reflection of your sense of purpose.
Wanting to "be happy" isn't clear enough. What does happy mean for you? What does that look like?
When you have your desires, clear in your mind, ask yourself, "Am I doing at least one thing today that contributes to achieving this for myself?
If the answer is "No," don't beat yourself up. Get up and change it. Identify 5 actions that will help you take steps towards that goal.
You can still have all you want; you just have to be clear about what that is so you can make it happen.
Impostor Syndrome
When we have spent more time than not, judging and being critical of our own abilities, it is difficult to shed the cloak of uncertainty and inferiority. I have had these moments in just about all aspects of my life from motherhood, to my career to even my writing.
At what time in your life did you feel you were strongest? Do you sometimes forget you are still that same person?
Strength is not manifested by large displays of power, but by gentle, compassionate, self-directed corrections in the form of good decisions.
You are more powerful than you may give yourself credit for. Power in the sense of how you can choose the next steps you take.
We get stuck in ruts, and sometimes it feels that we can't change something because we've been acting that way so long that it is just part of who we are. But that’s just not true. It is difficult to go against your “natural grain” of what you’ve become accustomed to being, AND it is still possible to do something different.
Despite your fears, nothing has been irreparably “messed up” yet.
At times, the issue we are actually having is not the fear of messing up, but rather the lack of confidence you have in your ability to cope when the “failure” happens.
That’s where we behave in all kinds of ways to prevent ourselves from having to experience that original pain of the “failure”.
Make a list of these behaviors. Is it that you are holding yourself back from being vulnerable? Preventing yourself from letting go of a past grievance? Keeping yourself in the safe zone of work responsibility without taking risks?
By paying attention to the self sabotaging behaviors, we can make sense of what is keeping us from getting to where we ideally want to be.
Are you clear on what you want out of life? If someone asks you what you want out of life, do you respond, "to be happy," without even knowing what that means for you?
Make a list of the different aspects that make up your life. Mine include motherhood, career, family, social life, romantic life, hobbies, spirituality, and physical health.
With this list of the different areas of your life, I want you to then write a paragraph of what this one element looks like at the moment and then underneath it, write another paragraph of the ideal version of what you would like this area to reflect. Do this for the remaining aspects.
This will not only have you reflect on where you are now, but also paint a picture of what you are working towards. Our subconscious brains respond best to imagery and our conscious brains work best with a clear understanding of the path you are wanting to follow.
Remember, it is important to have your ideal vision reflect reality. For example: In my family aspect and my relationship with my parents, it would be amazing to be able to turn to my father for empathy and emotional support. However, I cannot list this because that is expecting a change from someone who is not me. Also, my father is someone to turn to for solutions and tough love, not empathy- that is NOT who he is, so to hope to find that in him, is self-sabotage.
Instead, I can put in my ideal version to have male figures in my life who provide emotional safety and empathy when I need that kind of support. Or, to work towards turning to my father only for the other kinds of support and being able to recognize and appreciate the forms of love and support he does provide.
Once you have gone through all the aspects of your life in this way, commit to taking at least one step towards any one of these elements through action. Just one in any one of these 6 areas every day in a conscious and mindful choice. This will affirm your strength.
Acting in the face of fear proves your courage, which then becomes self-esteem.
Write them down on a calendar or notebook where you can record your movement, great or small. You can also choose to incorporate a time you faced your fear and prevailed.
Every time you meet a challenge you are afraid of, and persevere, write it down. I prefer a calendar that I can go back to and see the specific day of what I did that brought me closer to the life I want to lead.
This is written proof that you can accomplish what you once thought impossible. It will be a repository of hard evidence, proving that you can handle the issue confronting you.
Remember that you have come so far and can go even further.
Most of us are being too hard on ourselves in the quest for self-improvement. Today, be kinder to yourself when taming the unruly parts of your experience. It is important that you aren’t just courageous, but that you are also respecting who you are and what makes you strong.
Look at this moment as a snapshot of where you are on your path and be present with your life and see it as it truly is before proceeding.
What do you love about your life currently? Can you name the moments that bring you peace? Which elements do you wish would change?
Accept your life and the lessons you currently find yourself learning. Breathe in the truth of your life at this moment and give yourself the grace to recognize where you’ve been, who you are now, and the person you are working on becoming.
Coping When Life IS Unfair
One of life’s most valuable lessons, one that takes too long to accept, is that life is hard.
If we had our way, there would be no pain, things would go our way, we wouldn’t have to work as hard, and we certainly wouldn’t have to suffer. We get reality instead, a reality that tells us all too often that things are not fair and as Hal Urban said, “the world will not devote itself to making us happy”.
If we do not accept life as it is and face these challenges, it is impossible to be happy or content. Instead, we keep wishing for something that we will never get. If we accept and understand that life is hard, we can live more effectively and find solutions. It is this process of meeting our problems head on and looking for solutions that gives life its meaning.
Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow. We can begin to see that every obstacle is an opportunity to write our future, regardless of what the past has said.
Life can and will break you.
Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either; for solitude will also break you with its yearning.
You have to love. You have to feel. It is the process of experiencing who you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.
Grief is one of those experiences that feels like it could break you.
Grief is a stalker. It lurks in the cabinets and in the waiting room at the dentist’s and behind the switch on the hall light. It twines itself inside the click of pens and the heels of socks. Tea bags are infused with it, as are cereal boxes, computer games and the mail as it is slipped through the slot.
Contrary to reputation, it never looks drab; it doesn’t care about time. It isn’t elegant. It isn’t easy or smooth. It rises with the sun and hides in the corners of fog. Surprisingly it prefers hello to goodbye. It shows up on the beach and frayed the nerves in the manner of a gunshot or a siren whizzing by. It is big, hairy, inarticulate, possessing just one word, why. It is brain freeze and sour lemons and a knife to the belly and a thrum-thrumming of the heart- combined.
Grief makes us clumsy. Always falling and attempting to rise.
An excerpt from The Painted Drum, resonated deep within my bones. She wrote, “And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
When it comes to grief and loss, we have to be gentle with ourselves. Grief then coping comes and goes and the stages will not follow a particular pattern.
Do not beat yourself up when after a while of “handling your emotions”, you are slapped in the face with strife again.
Acknowledge what it is, accept it as natural and own the feelings.
Swim in the feelings until your fingers get all pruney.
Taking a stance of "grin and bear it" or "push through it" doesn't allow you to experience it, or reject what's happening either. It keeps you stuck, and you experience it all over again the next time a similar situation arises.
Remember that accepting where you are today, doesn't mean that you are saying it is okay to remain here indefinitely.
Understand that it makes sense for you to feel what you are right now based on the experiences that led you here, to this very moment. Give yourself the grace to feel compassion for your experience at the moment and where you are, knowing that you have the choice to start working through it again later on today, or tomorrow.
The definition of what is your best that you have to give yourself today is enough.
Only through the process of experiencing our struggles can we begin to heal. Through that healing, we can begin to experience the wonderment of being alive and to truly live.
To process fully you must first own your experience whether positive or negative. Allow the feelings to flow over you and let it embrace all of your being. Only then can you begin to make sense of why you are having these feelings, where they come from, and what to do with them next in a manner that is not pushing them aside or pretending they don’t exist.
Remember, it is your experience and no one can define it for you. Give yourself the permission to exist as you are while you are on your path to fully achieve what you are capable of becoming.
Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given
Strong people are made- not born.
Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?
Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.
My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.
Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.
Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.
Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.
Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?
As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.
While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?
True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-
Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.
Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.
Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.
So, now what?
You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?
Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.
I am _________ when I set a boundary.
I am _________ when I ask for what I need.
I am _________ when I show my feelings.
I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.
Step two is reframing the belief.
The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.
Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.
Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.
Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.
Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.
What do I do?
In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.
Belief #1, I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.
Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.
Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.
The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.
Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.
Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.
If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.
Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.
To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.
The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.
Playing Good Cop/ Bad Cop In Parenting: Does It Work?
All parents, I can confidently say, have fallen into the parenting trap of being the good cop or bad cop from time to time.
While married, I was typically the bad cop who enforced the rules, managed the schedules and basically the one on the front line of this wonderful battle called parenting; often leading to tantrums, tears and tumultuous attempts at consistency. Our lives reflected the imbalance of maintaining structure given that I worked while the children were at school, and he didn’t make it home until dinner was close to finished.
When their father came home, he was greeted with smiles and excitement because he was, by nature, the fun playful father or in other words, the good cop.
As you are reading this you may smile in recognition of these dynamics or eve roll your eyes in resignation if these are reflections of a part of your parenting regimen. Sounds harmless I’m sure, however, these polar dynamics can instill patterns in behavior that can become challenging in fostering and maintaining healthy relationships.
Parents are different people, so of course their relationships with their children will differ and that doesn’t have to mean better or worse. What can be a problem is when parents allow their children’s temporary preferences to solidify into unhealthy roles, such as “the nice parent versus the mean parent,” “the capable parent versus the inept parent”, or “the involved parent versus the uninvolved parent.”
These types of rigid roles hurt both parents and children.
In a well-functioning family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents, being the secure base of the family to avoid the “divide and conquer” dynamic.
This difference in parenting styles, on the surface may seem to be due to personality styles. I am “type A” and therefore am more comfortable in establishing and maintaining order, and he is… Not (hahahah) and therefore seems more carefree and energetic. In my experience working as a mental health therapist, things are never as simple as they seem.
Ask yourself, why do you need to maintain structure, when sometimes it may be OK to let it flow just a bit? Why do you need understanding and leniency when a bit of a reality check might be necessary for the child? What are the underlying beliefs about this way of parenting and where do you think they come from? What needs are we fulfilling in our parenting styles for ourselves?
Understanding this element of yourself and your partner could serve in a deeper connection, emotional intimacy and strength in your role as parents.
It is the manifestation and perpetuation of these rigid roles that leads to what is called Triangulation in family systems theory. Murray Bowen theorized that people’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to assure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in others’ conflicts.
In other words, a triangle creates an odd man out, while two are connected against one.
Bowen theorized that a two-person emotional system is unstable in that it forms itself into a three-person system or triangle under stress. They intentionally or more commonly, unintentionally create confusion as a means of controlling the situation in a passive way.
Triangulation or establishing this good cop vs. bad cop, can become unhealthy in families when it causes undue stress on the third party and/or when it prevents, resolution of the dyad’s conflict.
There are three components to triangulation:
1. Persecutor: This label describes an individual who attacks the others who are participants in the triangle.
2. Rescuer: This is a person either within the created triangle or outside the triangle that acts as a rescuer or someone who is the “saving grace.”
3. Victim: This label describes an individual who carries an attitude, in some situations (if not all), of “poor me.” While there are cases in which the person is the victim (due to how they are being treated by others), the triangle describes a person who creates a triangle in such a way that they become the “victim.”
In a family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents and in a well-functioning family, the parental bond needs to be the secure base of the family to avoid the “good cop/bad cop” dynamic.
It may seem innocuous; however, these roles can create lasting hindrances to individuation of the child and rift in the emotional safety of all parties.
Inconsistent messages from Mom and Dad can leave kids unsure of what is expected or appropriate. Plus, they feel guilty that their behavior has caused a conflict.
Having to always be the enforcer can make one parent feel resentful toward the other. This resentment can lead to a larger drift when one doesn’t feel respected or supported in the decision-making or carrying out of the consequences.
Not only that, arguments can strain the relationship between parents, and leave kids favoring one parent over the other or making them feel as though they need to be loyal and defend one parent.
The truth is, kids need both sides of parenting. They need love, they need fun. They need boundaries, they need freedom. They need silly, AND they need “the look” every once in a while.
A united front is so important for your children’s sense of security and safety and for your relationship with your partner. Be strong and stick to the decisions you made together, and everyone will know where they stand and thrive as a family unit.