Personifying Your Struggles- My Lady In Black

One of the greatest things that I am able to teach is awareness. The ability to pay attention to our state of being as well as asking yourself, why am I feeling this way, what’s going on within me? We lead a life that’s so on the go, and there are times when the last thing we pay attention to is what’s happening to our bodies.

Last night, I did a meditative exercise and at the end of it I was able to realize how tense I was, how high my shoulders were. The funny thing is that I just had a massage 2 days ago, so something has happened in the past few days that I am carrying that causes the area to feel heavy and full of burden. It wasn’t until I took the time to do the meditation for me to realize how bad it had gotten in just 2 days.

Sometimes I have friends or clients tell me that they have a migraine and don’t know why, not sleeping well at all, or have moments where they can’t regulate their breathing but have a difficult time articulating the why.

Awareness is recognizing how our bodies tell us that something is wrong, even when everything seems completely normal. Awareness is also seeing that our fears/depression/anxiety/stagnation is also trying to tell us something.

Take depression or a depressive episode as an example. There is a misconception that people who are depressed are sad, cry all the time, have a hard time getting out of bed, and are incapable of following through with their responsibilities. Well, as the poster child for depression, I can tell you that’s not always the case.  

I, among other men and women that struggle with depression, often have a more atypical presentation of the symptoms and how they manifest. Ours is more “let’s see how much we can overcompensate for the feelings of depression by going a thousand miles an hour” so that we don’t have to stop. Because when we stop, we realize that something is missing, something is wrong, we don’t feel whole.

Obviously, this is a very generalist explanation of a depressive episode, however, I have learned in studying and working with depression that we have these themes of our struggles that go across our lives. Whether it’s not feeling good enough, something isn’t right, no matter how hard we try we just can’t seem to get “it”.

What is the “it” though?

It could be happiness, connectivity, companionship, success… it is different for everyone. It is these individual themes that usually trigger these depressive episodes.

I really want to focus on acceptance. Accepting that this is a part of who we are; a part of our struggle is something that we will carry with us. It’s not something to “get over with”, “get rid of” or to “focus it on something else”.

For someone that struggles with mental illness, especially depression, it is not something that we can wish away. There’s not a magic pill you can take to eliminate the source of why we experience this, it is part of a process of adjustment. There are steps that we take to adjust and recognize that there will be moments where the feeling comes back.

For me, unfortunately, depression is something that I’ve struggled with for my entire life and it’s something that I will have to continue working with for the rest of my life. The more that I work with what happens, the more that I’m aware of the symptoms and what the triggers are of these depressive episodes, the better I will be able to deal/cope with it. Over time the goal is to heal from it so the intensity of the experience regarding these thoughts/feelings will not be as strong.

The power comes from having the ability to recognize what’s happening, so we can have the power to address it.

It really is no different from any other medical conditions. If you take blood sugar for example, someone who struggles with hypoglycemia or low blood sugar. Once they get to a point where they can recognize signs that their sugar is crashing, they have tools at their disposal to take care of it and then work to it back to normal. We take symptoms and find solutions for physical health, it’s really no different for mental health.

We have to be able to recognize what sets us off, how it feels, where in our physical body this emotion lives, recognize that it’s coming and do what we need to do to fight through it. Sometimes it’s like “okay, I see you, I’m acknowledging that you’re there and I’m going to exercise, play music, eat delicious food, surround myself with people that are positive, uplifting, and supportive. And I’m going to make time to sleep more, and exercise to take care of myself.

There are other times that I just can’t.

Motivation is a slippery little bugger. Most times, this powerful drive to do what is needed is not coming. It is rare for that spark of inspiration, the internal dialogue to reflect, “I’m going to go work out and I’m going to feel better” especially if you hate running, like I do. I don’t feel excited to come to the office early in the morning and get my insurance billed. I don’t often feel driven to go clean up the dishes and make the house spotless. Especially if I’m struggling.

Motivation is not something that just happens, so one of the things that I tell my clients is that you have to just do it. It gets done because it needs to get done. You have to show up for yourself the way you show up for everything else that’s important in your life, because guess what? You matter.

That is probably the hardest thing to do, the hardest thing to recognize and believe, especially when you’re trapped in another depressive state. So, what to do?

I want you to sit back, and to personify this state of depression. Sounds crazy, I get it. But I want you to give it a name, an identity, an image. For me, depression is an elderly woman in mourning, a fashionista by the way, because everything I imagine typically is hahahah. She has a veil over her face, and she comes to visit from time to time.

So, whenever I do recognize that she’s come for another visit, I give her my attention to ask her why she here. What is she trying to tell me this time? The purpose is to go deeper in meaning with what led to this encounter again. Sometimes healing comes from just that. To be able to see a facet of yourself that you may not have been aware of, that was triggered or missing somehow.

My latest adventure with this “Victoria Grayson-esk woman”, was a few weeks ago. I felt rundown, so my body feels rundown. I felt like I’m catching something; feverish even though I don’t have a fever. I’m not sick, but this is a manifestation of this physical sense of being depleted. I’m just done. I don’t have a lot of energy for myself after a full day of the babies, work, managing the practice, homework, playtime, and then they are in bed, and I am just exhausted.

This is a different kind of exhaustion. I recognize that it’s when I don’t want to stay up after the babies go to sleep and read or catch up on my shows. It’s usually my “me time”, and I look forward to this experience. In recognizing that I don’t want to do these things, is when I realize something is off. On top of that, I watched the live action Beauty and the Beast, and I was SOBBING. My poor babies were like “mommy, it’s okay, he didn’t die.” Why am I sobbing?

A depressive episode has come knocking again, and I needed to sit down with her and ask, “okay what is it?”. My life is on point right now, my kids and I are in a great place, we are having fun together, I was able to hang out with some of my friends and catch up on girl time. I was dating someone. My family was healthy. So, what was it?

Then I realized the 2 things that my brain was picking up from Beauty and the Beast. First, my mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It was manageable and the best-case scenario in a horrible situation. But it was okay. Second, I was dating this guy, things were going fairly well, but what was the problem?

The trigger here is I had just started to have a good relationship with my mom (who is my stepmom) for the first time, about 2 years ago. We started to get close, and here I am watching this movie with the kids, and everything is handled, but the thought of the cancer and the whole situation was looming. Belle lost her mother and longed for her, and here I am- I finally have that mother and it’s all of a sudden being threatened.

So, there you go. Seems pretty extreme, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Subconsciously, it is a big deal. Once again, my body and emotions are responding to something that’s very deep-rooted, but when you looked at it from the surface everything was fine.

The second thing, Belle had just found love. Well here I am, longing for a kind of relationship with a partner that I wonder if it even exists. A place where my heart is full, and my soul is understood. Same thing with Belle! I can’t believe I was feeling all of this from a Disney movie, hahahah, but I was relating to the character and how she was feeling.

It was kind of all in my face… Well, hello there woman in black! Knocking on my door yet again out of nowhere. So, this is what my depressive episode is trying to say. It’s not something that came out from nowhere, it is there for a reason.

There is no way that I would have been able to get through to all of that- the concept of how I’m really struggling with my mother’s illness, processing the abandonment of my birth mother, and how I am still holding out hope for a partner but perhaps losing faith in the kind of person I need is actually out there. I would have not been able to piece together this particular puzzle if I hadn’t sat down and taken time to try and understand what my woman in black was trying to tell me.  

This is my challenge for you. If you are faced with emotions that are more intense than usual, try to see what’s going on. Try to personify the experience and ask it what is going on? What are you here to teach me? Then maybe you can get a better understanding of yourself.

Finding Stability In The Midst Of Chaos

These days the feeling of uncertainty seems to be the only thing that is certain. As a whole, we are all embodying the feelings of loneliness, caution or fear for our and our loved ones health, instability and trapped in our circumstances of this new reality.

Uncertainty frequently brings with it feelings of anxiety and/or depression as it steals our sense of power and control over the course of where we are headed.

How do you feel when you don’t know who you are and where you stand?

How can you connect and care for others when you are not able to give that to yourself?

When we are attached to people in order to feel strong and stable, what happens when we no longer have those people?

The surest way to gain the feeling of stability is to feel grounded and secure. Feeling rooted to the ground comes from the feeling of being accepted for who you are and connected to those around who are also strong.

The root of uncertainty is fear- our lack of confidence in being able to effectively handle things ourselves.

Some believe that we need to be connected to someone in order to be stable. However, if we are reliant on someone else for that validation of strength, how do we build that confidence of being independent within ourselves?

Without this tether to the strong person, we feel weightless and unable to find footing. The source of this need is the fear that we are not going to be able to cope with the responsibility of dealing with life struggles.

The solution to feeling unstable or insecure?

Be assertive and learn to take a stand for yourself so you can feel your own strength and that you are indeed powerful.

Create a list of experiences that showcase the moments of strength from everyday moments. Having the courage to just push through the insecurity and ask for help and prove to yourself that it is okay to need assistance. Asking for help is also strength.

Our struggle with asking for emotional needs is usually based on the associations we have with them, so the next step would be to ask what are the associations you have with certain needs?

For example:

The need to feel loved and to deeply love is also associated with the fear of eventual loss.

The need for support or help is also associated with the fear of rejection being seen as inferior.

The need for comfort is also associated with the fear of becoming dependent and losing your hard-earned sense of independence.

It is necessary to separate the first need with the associated fear of consequence in order to heal.

We can love and be loved as a singular event that is not equal to the fear of losing this love. They are not the same experience, and do not belong in the same sentence- they are not connected. The act of loving is just that- loving and receiving that love. Sure, there is a possibility of loss, though that is not the same as loving and therefore, we must practice separating the two associations.

These associations and the decisions you made are based on the conditioning you received up to this point in life. The judgement we put on past experience is not fair to the person you were back then.

Who you are today, with the lessons you have learned and the experiences you have had, is what has shaped how you see the world NOW. You cannot use all of that to judge the person that you were in the past without these lessons.

We oftentimes get stuck in the self blame of “I should have done things differently because we’ve been conditioned to accept the blame. That looks like someone asking what could you have done to prevent it or saying you are the reason why this happened.

This is precisely where the feelings on instability, and uncertainty start to form and grow.

In “What I could have done differently” and “What can I do now…” there’s a place in the middle where you ask yourself “Did I have the conditioning or the teaching/ guidance to be able to do that at that time?”

Then decide if this is the path you would like to take and if it is leading you to the person you are wanting to become. Each step in understanding the why behind your actions, no matter how small, will reinforce your trust in yourself and bring with it feelings of security and strength.

We have had a lifetime of conditioning from messages learned that led to who we are now, so it only makes sense that it will take time to learn this new way of challenging your fears. Give yourself the grace to go through the unlearning of all of these associations and into who you are becoming.

Why So Anxious?

To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.

It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.

We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.

With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.

Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.

Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.

The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.

Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.

So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.

Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.

Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.

As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?

 Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.

Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.

For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.

The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.

Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.

We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.

When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.

Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.

Zero Motivation? How To Knock Out Your To- Do List

Some days,  it is difficult to get motivated to start the day just because it is cold and I do not want to get out of my fortress of comfort, surrounded by my pillows and loved ones. I do not want to be productive; I just want to stay there and snuggle and be happy and cozy. It starts around the fall time, because there are seasonal changes, and we as humans do not really do well with change. The adjustment period feels like a brick tied around my ankle, making it more and more difficult to feel motivated and be industrious.

As a therapist, I am expected to teach clients how to find motivation and it is most unfortunate to share with you that… motivation just does not come. I do not suddenly wake up one day and just say “you know that stack of insurance claims that I have to bill, oh I feel so motivated to do that right now”. Or how I have knocked over an entire row of bins in the garage that are now scattered around the floor and think, “oh you know what? Right now, seems like the perfect time, I’m so excited and motivated to go organize and clean it”.

That just does not happen. Not when these tasks are not in alignment with my immediate and prioritized values or when these tasks are in opposition to my state of being. Are there miraculous moments now and then where I do wake up and I’ve had a great night’s sleep and I’ll say “you know what? I think I’m going to work out this morning”? Yes! Now and then it does happen. But for the most part, the magical fairy dusting of motivation and the drive to accomplish is not present, especially if it is something you do not enjoy doing. Most of the time we get bogged down with all of these things that we “should” be doing. We “should” be exercising, getting up on time, filing those insurance claims, doing the work.

For some of us, they become these overwhelming blocks that just pile on our shoulders one after another until it feels like we are carrying the world on our shoulders. It feels heavy. That heavy burden could lead to giving up all together, saying “I just can’t, it’s too much, I can’t right now, so I’m just going to put it off and act like it doesn’t exist”. For others, these “should’s” fuel us to achieve and prove that we are enough, we are competent, or we are worthy of recognition. We work great under pressure, sure, but to the point where we are always in crisis mode.

Neither extreme of responding to “should’s” are healthy. Today I want to recommend that you take a moment, just a moment, to find your bearings, feel grounded; feel stable again.

When things are kind of going crazy, that sense of feeling frazzled can certainly lead to anxiety that stays with you the rest of the day. It makes you irritable, despondent and expels a lot of emotional/mental energy for something for an outcome that is ineffective because nothing is getting done- or so much has been tackled that your body is in the brink of shutting down.

So, take a minute and ground yourself. Sit down on the ground, literally, and close your eyes. Take a couple deep breaths, figure out where you are, listen to the small things in the background.

Do you hear the clock ticking? Do you hear your intake of breath? Do you feel the breeze on your skin? Notice the little nuances that go on around you?

Bring yourself to the present, to the moment. Take a couple of deep breaths. Is this meditation taking no more than 2-3 minutes? I suppose that it could be because it is mindfulness.  I know a lot of us do not really have the time to set aside, but just for a moment, especially when things feel so overwhelming, you can feel some reprieve. You deserve that moment, one that is just yours, where you can say “okay I’m here, I’m present right now, I matter right now”.

Afterwards, I want you to make a list with 3 different categories.

These lists make me feel that I have some semblance of structure and that structure calms my chaotic world.

So, in these lists, I want you to categorize a “HAVE To” list, a “NEED To” list, and a “Want To” list. The “HAVE To” list comes first because it is the easiest thing to get to. There are so many things that can go in there. But there is a difference between “I need to” and “I want to” and “I have to”.

Have to, today for example, I have to feed the babies in the morning. I also have to get them to school, I have to get to work, and I have to do my sessions. The other things that are on my list, for example, crumbs on the floor from their breakfasts, I do not HAVE to vacuum them up right this moment. Would I like to? Yes, because it is messy and that drives me crazy, and last night I spent 2 hours cleaning the floors. So yes, I would definitely like to sweep them up and feel that its clean again, but I do not HAVE to do that right this minute.

Time is very restrictive in the mornings for us anyways. The other thing I do not have to do today is go grocery shopping. It certainly can wait until tomorrow. Do I want it to wait until tomorrow? Of course not. But it CAN wait. I need to go, we need food for the weekend, but we have food in the pantry/ freezer and my kids will be okay. That is not something that has to get done right this minute. It needs to happen, but it can wait. There are so many things like this that can fall into this category.

Anything on this “Have To” list is crucial. Must be done and must be taken care of. The “Need To” list is items that have a leeway of a few days.

Now the “Want To” list, that is the fun part. Yes, the fact that I knocked over those bins while trying to get the Halloween decorations down and now Christmas stuff is on the floor in my garage… do I absolutely want to get that taken care of? YES, it drives me bananas that my garage, or my kitchen, or my house is like that, but those are “want to’s”. I want to get them done.

When there is so much to take care of, we have to give ourselves the grace to let some things go.

I am a single mom, running a tiny universe that I have created for myself with my practice, kids and my books. I have so much on my plate, that it is no longer a plate- it is a platter. At this moment, my platter is overflowing, and things are falling off because I put so much on myself, willingly.

Instead of falling apart internally, mentally, emotionally, or physically, I can start to feel like I am in control of some of it just by starting to sort them and tackling them one at a time. One list at a time.

The most important lesson here is not “don’t put so much on your plate” (I mean I would love to do that, I would totally live by that advice, but I don’t) but “to give yourself some grace”.

You are not superhuman. As much as I would love to be wonder woman, I am not. I am human. AND THAT’S NORMAL. Let me repeat that. IT’S NORMAL.

It is normal to be human, to be tired, to not feel motivated, to just want to crawl under the covers and say, “I don’t want to deal with all of this today”. Give yourself some grace, give yourself a moment, and offer love to yourself for what you have managed for today.

Shouldn't Hold On, But Can't Let Go

Ever wonder why a person who is not healthy or good for your mental health, is still the person you cannot seem to let go?

You are a person of sound mind and seemingly justified in your rational decision-making skills and yet when it comes to this one person, it seems as though all logic dissipates and you are a version of yourself that you cannot comprehend or recognize.

Is it that person that is ultimately worth more than yourself?

Do me a favor and blurt out the first 5 things that were “wrong” or less than perfect in this relationship or in your interactions with this person …

Was that difficult? Perhaps it was difficult not to accept the challenges you faced in how you were treated or how your needs were not met. Did you find yourself justifying what happened to make it okay?

Perhaps it was simple to list out all the ways it was not a good fit based on what is important to you and what you need out of those you devote your time and energy to.

No matter which of these categories you fall into, the question still remains: Why are you still holding on to this person? What is it about them that makes them so important that it is etched into your psyche?

What do they represent?

Often times, it is not the person themselves that we grow attached to, rather it is the way this person made you feel.

It could be that your scars matched theirs, or that they accepted you with your shadows.  Possibly, it was that you felt emotionally safe in their presence as you have not with others before. Could it be that you were allowed to show a truer version of yourself to this person without consequence? Or simply that you felt the freedom to work towards reaching a higher potential with their support. Perhaps, the experiences shared were ones you never knew existed before this person came around.

We create and shape our world view based on the experiences that we have. Your worldview is how you perceive the world and place a value judgement on the “should’s” of life. It is an interconnected puzzle system of values that feeds into your belief of how the world works or should work.

Our values are also shaped based on the early childhood experiences whether these were principles that were modeled for you and held as sacred or experiences that were lacking while you were growing up.

Take protection as a value for example. If you were brought up by those who were true advocates and fought for the wellbeing of other individuals and vehemently defended the safety of those around them, it is likely that you would hold that as your value as well. On the flip side of that same coin, if you were one who was not protected and did not have anyone to rely on to come to your aid in a prominent experience, you could also have a strong value to protect and defend others, as you would have wished that someone would have for you.

Both of these examples of what became a value and the reason behind it, colors the lens of how you perceive the world “should” be.

If you are a person who did not have the feeling that someone had your back no matter what, when you encounter a person who is loyal and protective of you, it leaves an imprint on your heart that isn’t so easily wiped away.

So, think back on this person that you are having a hard time letting go. What is it about them, these values they represented, that captured your heart? Who did this person remind you of? What is it about this person that you fear you will never be able to find again? Which experiences with this person are you grieving?

Those are the reasons they still have a grasp on your heart, mind, and soul. It is not always the person they are, but rather all these ideals that they encapsulated.

When Your Intuition Says No, But Your Insecurity Says Yes!

Why We Chase Approval

Ever find yourself pining after and seeking the approval of those who may not truly influence your day-to-day existence, whether it be a coworker, colleague, acquaintance or someone you recently started dating? Thanks to the multitude of positive memes and quotes, we are able to recite that our worth does not reflect on the other's ability to notice it, and yet there is this pull to convince them that they are wrong in their judgement of us.

If you are living your life to the best capacity of who you are at the moment, why do they matter? Why do we continue to defend our versions of the truth in hopes that seemingly and ultimately unimportant passersby hold their views of us in positive regards?

This internal difficulty in shedding the need to seek approval comes from the lack of belief we have in our own intrinsic worth. We have a hard time believing that we are competent, accomplished, that we have something of value to offer in our work, that we are beautiful as we are, that we are enough, or any multitude of these messages and therefore, we seek the approval in order to validate that part of us that wasn't nurtured through childhood.

When we go through life from early childhood with the condition that if we do this... then we are__________, we struggle to foster intrinsic sense of value and worth.

Take a moment and do a quick recap of how you grew to know that you are smart, or helpful, or attractive.

As children, we crave the attention of our parents or caregivers to fill our love bucket. Through creative drawing, school work, building something or perhaps even making sure to help clean up or take care of something, so they would not have to.

We mold our understanding of our worth based on the ever powerful statement, "Good Girl/ Good Boy!" and begin internalizing these messages of IF we are _______, then we are _______ (fill in your choice of validation)

As we continue our growth as adolescence into adulthood, we then transfer these beliefs into what we expect to give and hope to find in our love life. We may find distant partners alluring because their dismissive or lackluster interest is a challenge for our ego …

We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us because it feeds that part of us that still feels like we have something to prove. Prove we’re lovable, important, valued or worthy. We may then take that to another level and hope that we matter enough to where we can change someone’s mind or behavior.

When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s not able or willing to meet our needs as we give to them, it is because our inner-child is hurting deeply and fears being alone. Any time spent chasing someone to give us this acceptance, there’s an unmet internal need for love and belonging toward our inner-child.

After all, Love is simply seeking the desire to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished for being all that we are without consequence.

We are all going to have days when we show up as the worst version of ourselves. But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is there for us; who loves us on the hard days and upon whom we know it is safe to rely and depend on.

Allowing anything less is giving power to someone else who will reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you. Triggering all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding emotional intimacy.

It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern …one you learned early on in life. Healing occurs as you sever your attraction and comfort of shadow relationships (the symbolic need to prove your worth to others) and move toward practicing how to let healthy love in.

Where do you start? We start this process of healing by recognizing these internal messages surrounding love, acceptance and worth. Learning the source of these patterns is not meant to assign blame to our early childhood caregivers as they were probably doing the best that they knew to do at that time. It is simply to gain understanding and knowledge of where these patterns came from.

By acknowledging how and why these messages came to be, we can work towards rewriting those messages and intentionally working towards walking away from those who offer less than what we all need to feel cared for and valued.

No matter what we strive for in life, our first responsibility is to understand how we came to be the way we are, and taking small steps to work towards whom we wish to become. Only when we heal the internal dialogue can we learn to love others and receive the same kind of healthy love in return.

What IS the Big Deal?

Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Conflicts

In my work with couples, a common theme is that they are having the same fights over and over again. Typically, these arguments are not serious in nature, yet, over years of having the same disputes, the emotional intimacy begins to break down.

What is emotional intimacy?

It is the ability to be vulnerable and NOT have that vulnerability be met with a consequence. You see this among old friends in which you can reveal all your crazy, and they love and accept you anyway and typically laugh along with you about it.

Think about when you first met and the months that followed. You were excited to speak to them and share your thoughts and experiences and ideologies and that connection was magical. That connection is the beginning of romantic love and emotional intimacy. THAT is the secret to lasting relationships.  That connection and safety in being seen and heard for who you are.

Fast forward a few years, and the mundane chore of co-existing could begin to chip away at that connection and you find yourself not turning as often to one another for that support and emotional or intellectual intimacy.

Ah! If I could tell you the intensity behind my argument with my partner about the trash! Once a week, the trash is to be dragged to the end of the driveway to be picked up. I make sure what needs to be out of the house is out and the only responsibility of my partner… is to take it out of the garage and leave it to be picked up.

I wake up, get the babies ready for school, get dressed for the day at work and don the stilettos. On a good day, I am running and stumbling with the book bags and lunches and my purse and their shoes and don’t impale the cats as I run through the door to the car and see that the kids are not tardy today! And as I am pulling out… there’s the garbage bin, still on the side of the house.

Let’s imagine the colorful phone call he is about to receive. I relay the message for the 50th time that this is the only thing I need him to do on Tuesdays!! He responds back with fervent apologies and two options, either take out the trash myself (in my stilettos), or just leave it for next week, it’s not that big of a deal, and he is tired of the nagging. The argument then escalated in a passionate attempt to be heard and understood by both parties.

Understanding the problem

This is where my job as the therapist (mediator and referee) becomes very difficult. Is it really about the trash? Would it be that he really doesn’t care, or he is lazy? Could it be about rigidity?

In all situations, there are two perspectives and both are accurate- let me say that again- both are accurate in their limited perceptions of the truth. The only way to overcome this particular obstacle and have any hope of keeping the connection intact is to try to understand what is behind the reaction of your partner.

What is the big deal?

The goal is not to just listen to generate your immaculate retort or to disintegrate their stance and justify your own. It is to genuinely comprehend what is behind the negative response and why they consider it a violation of their value.

All negative responses occur as a result of a value that is perceived to have been violated. In this case, it is not the trash (albeit, it is literally full of feces, whether from a diaper or from the cats and will furthermore increase in intensity of foul odors if left for another week). It is about reliability and dependability.

I am one who can do anything on my own if I needed to. I was to trust that I am not alone in this relationship and that I am able to rely on my partner and that he will follow through on his words because he is dependable. Those are the values when violated, will trigger a negative response; in this case and in ANY circumstance that I feel these values are not met. That’s how values work.

From his perspective, he was running late and feels overwhelmed with his other responsibilities and therefore he needs understanding and compassion from his partner.

When assessed in this manner, are either party actively intending to minimize or dismiss the importance of the other? Absolutely not. Without the understanding of what is hidden under the conflict, this conflict will ensue and will manifest in a multitude of different circumstances and the result will be the same.

Take the time to ask yourself and your partner, NOT what is the big deal, rather Why is this a big deal.