Finding Confidence In Who You Are

Who I am today and the woman you experience me to be, is not the woman I was 6 years ago. There are things I can say and do that I would not have the courage to do years ago. The adventures I have partaken in, the experiences I have said yes to, or even the boundaries I have set for myself are as foreign to me now if I had been told 6 years ago that this is who I would become.

I would not have thought I would ever wear a rose gold, fully bejeweled floor length gown to perform an extravagant waltz in front of 100 people. Nor would I have ever contemplated allowing myself to celebrate with such extravagance for Bollywood night AND be dressed in a traditional two-piece lehenga that had a bare midriff, which was MAGENTA, and showing my tattoos in front of my very conservative family members!

I would not have accepted the invitation to stand in front of 300 people and speak on advocacy where my passion on the topic was palpable.  6 years ago, I was fearful of sharing my views and thoughts to share publicly and have it published; forget having the confidence that my work would be sought after by multiple publishing houses. I would have been hesitant and avoidant in accepting opportunities to speak on podcasts and on TV shows as an expert.

I also would not have made a disgusted face directly at a perpetrator and walked directly to the store security in order to report the pervert who chose to expose himself to me while shopping at Marshall’s.

There is a stark difference in the energy you experience in my presence now than what you would have 6 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been the same person at my core. So, what is the drastic change? I have always been empathic and kind. I was intuitive; however, I did not trust my own intuition. I would be the container for my clients, friends, children, and partners emotions/ experiences- yet I would not set boundaries or point out what I am perceiving and speak on my intuition until I had an exuberant amount of evidence to prove my point.

I have always been feminine in my choices of clothing and how I expressed myself outwardly, and yet, I was petrified at the notion of being seen. I was not comfortable with being noticed or gaining attention and therefore, I limited my choices in fashion to avoid being called flamboyant.

I have always been the advocate for those around me, yet, I would have allowed the disrespect or trauma I experience to be dismissed as being “not that bad” or “I am strong enough to handle it without causing a scene” instead of fighting for myself too.

Some people call this transformation confidence. I will tell you that is not the case. Confidence is a by product of what the shift truly was…. ACCEPTANCE.

I learned to accept that these are aspects of myself that are different from everyone else. I have learned to accept the weirdness, the intensity, the rebellious energy, the determined spirit. All the elements of my being that was criticized by others that I had learned to dim down and neglect- I am no longer willing to hide who I am. I will swim in it until my fingers get all prun-ie and those who gravitate towards that will find me and stay. Those who do not understand or appreciate these qualities are just not meant to be a part of my tribe. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is perfectly OKAY. I have every right to be unapologetically me as long as it is not causing harm to anyone else. I am ME in all my creative, flamboyant, intense, loving, strange, fierce, and dysfunctional self.

Here are a few affirmations that have helped me stay on course of revealing myself to me and learning to accept those attributes for what they were without judgement. You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you.

·         You cannot grow in an environment that steals nurturing energy.

·         You cannot evolve in an environment that stifles your transformations.

·         Awareness without behavioral change is bullsh*t.

·         Boundaries without consequence is a waste of breath.

·         The intent doesn’t erase the impact.

 Which affirmations have or could potentially be helpful in helping you accept you as you are?

Learning To Trust Ourselves Again After Betrayal

Everyone talks about having a hard time trusting another person after a betrayal and so few discuss how difficult it is to trust ourselves as a result.

We focus on what the other person did to us and try to find ways to set up barricades to make sure this never happens to us again by someone else. We remind ourselves of the pain it has caused, the powerlessness, and the wrongness of what was done to us.

All of that is correct. We are hurt, we did feel powerless to stop it, we didn’t think they would do this to us, and it is wrong.

We then come up with creative ways to safeguard our bleeding heart. Defense mechanisms to find that power again that was taken from us through this betrayal.

Some turn to shutting out the heart, convincing oneself that we do not need another to rely on or find solace in, running from another when they get a bit too close, or perhaps putting obstacles and bringing up unnecessary conflicts when we find that we are starting to open up and allowing vulnerability to present in the form of emotional intimacy.

We put all of our energy into safeguarding ourselves from them, that we do not take the time to recognize the true damage it has caused us.

We find the ruined pieces of the trust we had in ourselves and the ability to be confident in our decisions and be secure in our own perceptions.

We believed in this person, found truth in their care and love for us, we sought safety and solace in their embrace only to find that perhaps what we thought we had in this person, was not real.

Facing the discrepancy in what we believed and what we are left with in our experiences can leave us standing on shaky ground. Without fully processing what happened, we will take part in these defense mechanisms that help protect us at the moment but prevent us from making healthy connections in the future.

If you haven’t healed from the wounds of your past, every time you think about it, your body produces the same chemicals that was present when it first happened. Our subconscious mind cannot determine the difference between what happened and what is happening now. This is why when you are thinking about a past argument, your heart rate begins to rise, and you feel the tension in your shoulders and neck again- almost as if it is happening again.

That isn’t to say that we are to avoid our hurts and try to forget about them. It means that we need to process through the pain and make sense of the experiences that led to the moment of a regrettable incident and what came afterwards. In working through and processing fully the various levels of perceptions, we can get to where the thoughts no longer hold the painful associations and the wound can heal.

It will take time to find yourself in your own world again, to make your own decisions and be confident in what we are choosing while accepting the consequences.

Learning who you were, who you are now and how to trust yourself again will begin with reintroducing the different elements of yourself that you feel are broken or damaged. Let’s be clear- you are not damaged or broken, but parts of your experiences and reactions to those could feel as though they are.

Trusting in yourself will start with introspection of what you need: What are your feelings, the perception behind these feelings and what you need to feel grounded at that moment.

Take a step back and take a look at things calmly and slowly without criticism.

For example:

I am sitting in my home office and having a telehealth session, and I am starting to feel frustrated that my cat is scratching at the door for the 5th time in the past 40 minutes.

In labeling the emotion, we can figure out why it is there and make sure it is directed or handled appropriately.

Determining the reason behind the feeling is a bit trickier. I’ve mentioned that it is because my cat is scratching at the door, however, there is a more significant reasoning behind it.

It could be that I am frustrated that she will be damaging the glass panes of the French doors, or that she is distracting my client and myself with the knocking noise it makes, or it could be that my frustration is actually at myself because it is highlighting that I am neglecting the cat just as I fear I am neglecting my kids while I am working from home.

In being able to effectively pinpoint the source of the emotion, we can provide relief to ourselves by meeting the psychological or emotional need that is behind the experience.

To come up with a plan to process and alleviate this emotion also makes us feel in charge of the situation and that we have control over where it will go. It helps to feel stable and grounded when our emotions can be overwhelming.

By taking these three steps, you will be able to sift though the tangled web of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to effectively process through the day.

With each successful encounter of processing, you will become more confident in your values, identifying emotions, and intrinsically meeting your needs. This confidence is the steppingstone to having an unshakable trust in your perceptions, experiences and in yourself.

Standing Up For Yourself Is A Skill- Not A Given

Strong people are made- not born.

 Absence of being able to effectively set boundaries is often seen as weakness, though I will ask, how are you to be expected to set strong boundaries and stand up for yourself when you were not taught the skills to do so?

Many reflect on their childhoods and exclaim that their parents made sure to teach them to “not back down, stand up for what you believe in, finish the fight, or even don’t let anyone bully you”.

 My father especially shared all of those with me and still, when it came to asking for what I need, I was unable to do so.

Standing up to strangers or walking away from it was easy enough, but setting a boundary with a loved one? No.

Often times, even when we are loved and nurtured and taught to fight for ourselves, unless that message also applies to be able to fight for our needs against our early childhood caregivers without consequence, we grow to be adults who struggle with setting strong boundaries.

 Consequence here refers to any reaction to your boundary that would make you feel as though you are mean, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish, hurtful etc.

Do you equate setting boundaries with loved ones with being one of the above?

As a child, if you were taught that saying no, or not right now or asking for a different outcome would mean that you are taking something from the other person, then that guilt is the cause behind the pause of setting boundaries as an adult.

While reflecting on experiences just now, were you met with an emotional response? Perhaps frustration, sadness, or defiance?

True emotions come out when you not only identify what happened but why that is an issue-

Here, many will rush to give examples to prove why the experiences are justified, and I am here to remind you that the point is not to place blame- rather to understand what has taken place to lead us to how we became who we are today.

Our parents and loved ones did the best with what they knew to do at that time.

Yet, those actions, no matter how well-intentioned, has a ripple effect on how we perceive and interact with the world today.  

So, now what?

You know where this struggle possibly stems from, so how do we proceed?

Step one is working on becoming self-aware and being able to have introspection, identify the reasons behind why we struggle with setting boundaries.

I am _________ when I set a boundary.

I am _________ when I ask for what I need.

I am _________ when I show my feelings.

I am _________ when I don’t do what they ask.

Step two is reframing the belief.

The tricky part is being able to challenge the belief with enough steps to where you do not talk yourself out of it.

Here is an example: My friend asked me over to keep her company because she has been struggling with her depression. I have had a full day of sessions that has left me emotionally depleted, my children are coming home soon and I will need to prepare dinner, I have a fractured foot that is on FIRE and my migraine is slowly creeping in.

Belief #1: If I say no, I am a bad friend because she needs me.

Belief #2: I am a therapist and equipped to handle her emotions and give support, so I should be there for her.

Belief #3: If I am not there for her now, I am selfish and self-centered because I know how hard it is for her and I would want someone to be there for me.   

What do I do?

In order to effectively challenge these beliefs, I need to have 5 examples of facts that negate this one belief and continue with each one down my list before I can come up with a solution.

 Belief #1,  I am able to give examples of all the times I have been there for her, as soon as she’s asked for it, or even times when I was able to sense her need and provide it before it became one.

Belief #2: Yes I have all of those qualities and I can be there for her, though perhaps not in person immediately, I can call her, or set up a time later in the evening or if she is willing, she can come over to my home.

Belief #3: Caring for my physical and emotional health in order to effectively provide for my children and friendships is the proper healthy way. Anything given at my expense would not be beneficial to her because I would not be able to be fully present, and even in physical pain if this migraine goes on full blast mode. My children would suffer, I would suffer, and my friend would not have the support she is seeking.

The key here is changing the belief behind what makes someone loving/a good friend and by default, if you don’t have those to offer at the moment, you must be awful.

Step three is being able to ask for what you need at the moment.

Here, I would show empathy and understanding for her desire to meet and I would offer the options in a way that is able to meet her need without it being at the expense of my well-being.

If I am saying yes to someone else whiles saying no to me at my expense, I am immediately teaching my subconscious and those around me that I will always come last.

Standing up for yourself is a skill- not a given. Even after you work through these steps, you will feel the residual guilt or shame of how you have felt up to this point. It will be uncomfortable.  

To rewrite a belief, you have to experience it enough times without consequence to replace it.

The basis of confidence is knowing what makes you worthy AND knowing that your worth does not waver based on doing for others at the expense of you.