Language Of Apology

A violation of a value causes emotional pain especially when the love language that you rely on to feel belonging, acceptance or deep regard is then contradicted. Insults can leave you shattered and those words are not easily forgotten (Words of Affirmation). Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be essentially hurtful (Quality Time). A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures (Receiving Gifts). Laziness, broken commitments, and creating additional work, communicates to receivers of this language that their feelings don’t matter (Acts of Service).  And finally, physical distancing, neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive (Physical Touch).

Just as your love language when violated could be your greatest source of suffering, the language of apology can subsequently help to heal those wounds.  Gary Chapman's love languages help us to feel affection when it is given in the way we specifically receive, and the language of apology fosters healing when also given in our unique style. The five languages of apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Repentance, Requesting Forgiveness, and Making Restitution.

1. Expressing regret: If the person you’ve hurt has this language, they want to know “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” This language is required for the person that has been hurt to see that you are able to empathize and put yourself in their shoes. That you understand them as a person to know how much this behavior has caused them suffering and why. In order to make amends, you would need to be able to pull from their values and past history to show the connection of how your behavior has triggered their values and then apologize for the pain that was caused.

2. Accepting responsibility: If the person you apologize to has this apology language, they want you to take ownership for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong. This person needs to hear that you are taking full responsibility for these actions without an attempt to justify, or diminish the impact of the behavior.

3. Making restitution: If someone has this apology language, what they really want to know is “does this behavior reflect how you feel about me?” Your behavior seemed so unloving to them that they wondered how you could love them and do what you did. In this situation, the person is looking for ways you can rebuild the trust that was lost through actions. These actions will then serve to overwrite or negate the messages that were delivered through the harmful behavior or words. According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments. Gottman founded the ratio of 5:1 in that it takes five positive moments for our brains to overcome one negative moment.

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: When this is someone’s apology language, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized and therefore, the apology is not sincere. This person fears that these hurtful behaviors will continue and perhaps a few days or months later, they will be in the same situation yet again.

5. Requesting forgiveness: If you offend someone who has this apology language, the words “will you please forgive me?” are the words they want to hear.  Requesting forgiveness is the way to touch their heart and is the way that feels sincere to them. The reason behind this is they want to see that the other person is able to be humble and give back the emotional power to the person who was hurt. 

How you say sorry matters based on the way we receive an apology. Our language of apology is just as unique as all the other aspects that have been designed through our life experiences. In order to heal, we must receive this apology in our own unique way. This is just as individualized and necessary as our need for love, our pet peeves, our values or how we view the world. If making amends matters, it must be given in the way the other person receives. This can be an opportunity to discuss and learn about the important people in your life and how they heal from a regrettable incident. Take the quiz here

5 Steps to Heal from Gaslighting

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

-New Port Institute/ Mental Health

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof

Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong

Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you

Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior

Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out

Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern

PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

Constantly second-guessing yourself

Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

Walking on eggshells around the other person

Believing that you are too sensitive

Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

Feeling lonely and trapped

Doubting your own memory and sanity

Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

More Sources:

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.

Running on Empty

The important part about feeling burnt out is to recognize when it is coming on. Typically the signs for me would be a lackluster attitude towards the administrative side to counseling such as writing up my notes and evaluations, taking payment or calling new clients back, when previously I felt passionate towards the administrative contribution of building my private practice. I also notice that I am wishing for weekends to come sooner rather than later, or finding myself taking longer times to get the day started and waiting till the last minute to get going.

I have to regularly remind myself that taking a break to create a physical or mental distance is not reflective of my work ethic or whether or not I value helping others. It just means I am tired, worn out and spent. I have had to learn to rest when I am tired through:

1. managing my mental health with therapy, meditation, or journaling to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths

2. creating time to be outdoors or active in a way I haven’t made time for it recently like dancing or swimming

3. detaching from external negative stimuli, my mantra being Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys, or allowing grace

4. compassion for myself when things do not unfold as expected or planned

Perhaps the most pertinent coping skill for me is turning down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where I feel I “should” be by now. Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where I am and my limitations when it is not where I want to be is very uncomfortable.

I have learned that taking the time to practice the pause, will help me to regenerate my emotional, mental and physical energy as well as allow room to reintroduce the point of why I chose this career or life path. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal, so I try my best to accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, I am then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures.

To manage life when it all feels overwhelming, start by becoming more aware of the signs of burnout for yourself. What does that look like, how does it feel physically, and what kinds of toll it takes on the physical and mental aspects of daily life. One way of recognizing what is happening is to stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths before starting analysis. HALT is an acronym commonly used in the field of psychotherapy for awareness and time to take action. Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired. When you are dealing with more than one of these symptoms at the same time, you are your own worst enemy and will be the victim of your subconscious. Self- deprecating messages run rampant and the likelihood of responding to a situation instead of reacting is slim to none. Therefore, when you notice more than one of these being off, stop what you are doing (HALT) and take care of what you can in the moment. If you are hungry, grab a snack. If you feel lonely, reach out to a friend, colleague or loved one. If you are angry, write down all the feelings behind the anger and a different reason behind each emotion to process it quickly and be able to set the anger aside. Once those needs are met, there will be more of a feeling of stability before you are able to carve out time to take a break.

Sometimes you don’t realize you are drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor. Living in a society where being on the go and achieving the next goal is glamourized, it is important to recognize the need for daily self care and a monthly mental health day to maintain our own sense of passion for life as well as to prevent burnout.

1. The goal for a mental health day is to completely check out from everything that keeps us tethered to our regular sense of reality. For me that would be my work phone, emails, social media and anyone that feels as though they take more emotional energy than they invest in us. Remember, taking time for yourself doesn't mean me first, it means, me too.

2. Find total escapism. We love vacations because of the ability to leave it all behind and as much as I would love to hop on a plane to the nearest beach once a month, my life, career and family responsibilities do not allow for that... just yet hahah. In the meantime, we must be able to create a space that feels like our own little hideaway. It could be a spa day, to get hair, nails and massage done, or it could be a home spa day where there are specific masks, polishes or pampering routines can be completed that is reserved only for that day once a month. I have a basket of bath oils, skin care treatments, wine and candles that is reserved JUST for this day. During the following weeks after my mental health day, I buy random goodies in anticipation of my next self care day. There are also specific dedicated areas in my home that is JUST for me; my library and my outdoor screened in porch. The children are not allowed in my library because that is my place to escape from the world when I am reading. I will light candles, make a cup of steaming, delicious coffee and the babies (Teens NOT babies) are aware that it is my time and only to come find me if there is a catastrophe.

3. Allow for activities that ignite our passions. I adore dancing. Learning new dances or practicing routines that I have choreographed. I will make time to feel the excitement of just losing myself in the music whether it is waltzing around the living room with my cat, or taking a weekend lesson at the local community center or if I am really high on life, I may find an outdoor club and dance the night away. Find physical activities that remind you of the joy in being alive.

Remember, the point of living is to live. Feel the emotions; good, bad, exhilarating or ugly. Allow yourself to remember that success isn’t about pushing yourself to the breaking point, we can’t enjoy all the hard work we put in if we are too drained and unwell from the effort.

Behind Closed Doors- Understanding Emotional Reactions

Fear is a natural emotion and yet I would argue that it is the strongest of all the reactions to life. It manifests in various colorful ways including anxiety, cautiousness, rejection, doubt etc. Take a moment and write down what fear means… The definition of the emotion as well as the many ways it presents in your life.

As I am sitting here attempting to explain this, I find myself stuck after 3 sentences. For such an enormous emotion, I am struggling with identifying exactly how to define it. From a psychological point, fear is a primitive reaction that alerts us to a potential threat. It presents in a cognitive as well as a physiological manner that can be felt through real or perceived threats.

Fear lurks around every corner some days. It is tinged with betrayal and failure, not necessarily from anyone else, but mostly of letting myself down. I feel paralyzed at the thought that I will not meet what is expected of me as a partner, entrepreneur, or parent. My roles have defined me for so long, what will I be without them? Who am I if I am not a mother, therapist, confidant, healer, or the grounded friend that anyone can turn to for support? Some days, the fear is more of the hopes yet to be fulfilled; an imagined or perceived failing of those experiences coming to fruition.

There are other feelings that make up the tangled rat nest of this emotion we call fear. Loneliness, disappointment, disconnected, doubt, removed, desperate, stressed, abandoned, vulnerable, lost, unmotivated, isolated and a slew of other nasty experiences. The underlying root emotion for nearly all negative experiences can be fear just as the underlying root emotional for nearly all positive emotions is desire. In identifying which realm of these two subconscious reactions, fear, or desire, we can then start to sift through what that means for us in order to make sense of the emotions. By identifying the emotion, we can make sense of the perception, understand the value behind it, and be able to communicate those feelings as a reaction to a need that is asking to be met.

There are two ways to regain control over fear. Before we can master those two skills, we must first be able to identify the power behind the fear. The source of what makes this emotion so powerful is the meaning we attach to it. Failure can be just a setback from or falling short of reaching a set goal. Everyone goes through it, and yet many of us become nearly paralyzed with fear of being a failure. The power that fuels that experience from being just a life experience to an actual fear is what it would mean for us as a person to have missed the mark on this particular goal.  

My favorite dysfunctional skill is allowing the behaviors of others to define who I am as a person. My ex will behave in dismissive ways when my children need attention and there are times when I feel as though I have failed them as a parent since I have allowed them to be in this environment. My family members may criticize psychotherapy and theory based on their personal experiences in a way that I feel personally responsible to change their views and prove that we as therapists are there to help guide and heal past wounds. My sister being late when I have specifically expressed a deadline for when we need to be somewhere seemed to me as though she doesn’t value my time or presence in her life.

It all boils down to this pressure that no matter what, I can’t measure up… no matter what I do or say or plan or prevent, it’s not enough- I am not enough. My kids keep getting their little vulnerable hearts pummeled, and I am not competent enough to put those pieces back together.  No matter how many certificates, awards, or books I write, my expertise is not going to measure up to that of other medical professionals. No matter how much I rearrange my life to include my sister, I do not matter enough to her as she does to me. 

The meaning I am attaching to their behaviors is what powers my fear. It is necessary to remove the emotional meaning we attach to the outcome that creates the fear and then perpetuates the fearful behaviors. Bring the significance down by challenging the truth in these statements. One of my mottos to live by is “No one can define your experience or existence”, and vice versa, we can’t define their experience for them either. It is not fair to impose my assumptions onto others or on myself and instead we challenge these thoughts by comparing them to facts. Up to this point, have I been able to give support and guidance for my kids to find healing? Yes, I have. The next step is to absolve myself of taking responsibility over things I have no control over. Own only what’s mine. The final step is to affirm the work I have done to be in alignment with the person I am wanting to be. I am available emotionally and physically to these babies, I am supportive and playful, I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically present to witness their existence and walk next to them through their growth. I am actively working on being the kind of mother I would like to be for them. So, in theory, I am enough, and that will have to be enough for me.   

To take the sting off behaviors of others that we have no control over, it is helpful to come up with a few catch phrases that redirect the need to defend or prove ourselves. Expecting things to be different than what you have mostly experienced with a specific person, or their specific characteristics is what gives the power to the situation and sets us up to falter. Each time they behave this way we are triggered and astonished that they have the audacity to do so, and yet, haven’t they always? Why are we surprised? So, say something short and sweet that brings you back in your own lane. Some examples could be:

Been there, done that.

Not the first time.

Here we go again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Climbed this mountain before.

Here are the facts: My ex will behave like a narcissist, my sister’s life will probably be a wreck, my dad will probably not be emotionally present, and my other sister will most definitely be flighty. Expecting or hoping they will be different, is what will set me up for failure. At the same time, expecting that I will not be shut down or be perceived as distant or to not feel anger is unrealistic. They are who they are just as I am who I am. However, accepting them for who they are does not mean we have to just sit there and take it. Of course, there is a difference in experiencing these as feelings, and NOT behaving in a reaction to these feelings. In identifying the real or perceived fear behind our emotions, we can then process the situation in a healthy manner. We have a right to our emotions, but we cannot act out in dysfunctional ways because of our emotions. We can instead remove ourselves from the situation. Much easier said than done, I know. Recognize the specific person that is igniting emotion, cope with it in a manner that meets your needs and set necessary boundaries, so these emotions do not bleed onto someone who doesn’t deserve it.

The Masks We Wear

Ever feel like a fraud or a fake, just gliding through life pretending to be a version of yourself that does not really exist? You’re certainly not alone. 70% of the population have at one point or another experienced this phenomenon called the Imposter Syndrome, though for some, it seems as though this feeling lurks around every corner, nearly every day. Impostor syndrome was first identified in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes based on the idea that one’s successes are due to luck, chance or someone else’s involvement and not because of one’s own talent, personal traits or qualifications.

In what areas of your life have you experienced impostor syndrome? This feeling of being an imposter has stained every area of my life as a mom, as a therapist, a business owner, and as an author. Truly, it has been in every transformation through the stages of my life. Stemming from fear of not being worthy of having what is in front of me and feeling as though the privilege needs to be earned and proved regularly.

The feeling of being fake and all the attempts at coping with it, is a manifestation of needing to prove your worth - because it is not inherently present. These feelings are not necessarily tied to self-esteem though. People who seemingly have it all together and come across confident also struggle with this incessant gnawing that they are a fraud. They may seem to have high self-esteem, but they do not have a strong sense of worth- of being enough. Oftentimes it is linked to growing up in an environment where achievement is the primary source of acknowledgement of worth, it begins to rewire the brain to believe that it is the only time we are worthy and becomes tangled with our sense of self.

At any new beginning stage of one’s career, relationship, project, or presentation, we find ourselves running from this ugly green monster that keeps shouting judgements for not being good enough. That monster then becomes the driving force to excel and succeed in hopes that eventually, we can shut it up with enough evidence. The issue here is that day of reckoning usually does not come. The fear of not living up to our own expectation becomes the habitual motivation behind the behaviors. Then the accolade received as a result of the achievement reinforces the behavior and the cycle continues.

Breaking this cycle begins with understanding how these thoughts and behaviors manifest in your day-to-day life. With increased awareness of our beliefs tied to our behaviors, we are able to make any change conceivable. Sounds simple in theory, however those of you who have worked with me, know that is not the case. Identifying beliefs based on past experiences that present in repeated patterns of behavior can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. It shifts our perspective of how we have lived and are living, and that shift can be hard to acknowledge and accept.

An example of these manifestations of feeling like a fraud is in the masks we wear and hide behind in society. Dr. Valarie Young defined some of these masks as the following: The Perfectionist, The Super Woman/Man, The Natural Genius, The Soloist, and The Expert. All of these subtypes are based in fear.

The perfectionist will set exceedingly high expectations and then be plagued by self-doubt of not being able to measure up to these expectations. Their work is intended to be a mirror of their worth and self instead of allowing others to see them as human and fallible. Any achievements made is typically overshadowed by the feeling that something could have been done better and they struggle with accepting and celebrating small victories.

The Superwoman/Man element I present when they feel insecure about how much they have to offer to those around them and is often in comparison to feeling as though they do not measure up to the amount that others are able to offer. Easily their overflowing plate becomes an overflowing platter of responsibilities. They have a hard time saying no, because internally, they do not feel as though what they are doing or have done is enough.

The Natural Genius is someone who compensates by wearing the mask of competency. They prove their worth through the ease and speed of learning and completing tasks. As perfectionists, they have high expectations of themselves, and judge themselves based on getting things right on the first try.

The Soloist over relies on their independence to mask the fear of being seen to be incompetent should they need help. This need to do it all on their own reflects being made to feel as though they were a burden if assistance was needed. The avoid the consequence of being an affliction by showing their strength and proficiency by handling it all on their own.

The Expert fears being exposed as inexperienced or unknowledgeable. They devote their energy into learning as much to be able to present enough information to mask their feelings of inferiority, believing they will never know enough. They do not allow for the natural learning curve and understanding that there is always more to learn and there will always be someone that knows more than them and less that they do on any given topic.

As you can see, all of these aspects are rooted in fear- a fear of a particular consequence from those you value and who’s opinion matters. Fear of consequence is what keeps the mask up. It is a defense mechanism for combating a consequence you will have to face IF people see through the mask to who you really are. The consequence may be rejection, judgement, criticism, inferiority, or reprimand. The attempt is to never have people see into you and where the vulnerabilities lie. As scary as that seems, it is our vulnerabilities that make us human.

We cannot put away the masks we wear until there is an understanding of what the mask is trying to protect. Sometimes we have different masks reflecting the different people we feel we need to be in certain situations. Ultimately, we wear the masks and play these roles as a reflection of the belief that just being who we are without the masks will not be accepted. Rejection and judgement the consequences we are trying to avoid.

Identifying the beliefs behind the behavior will be the catalyst for moving past these fears. What are some of the thoughts you have encountered when battling impostor syndrome? Some of mine are: "I'm not capable, I'm not good enough, I don't belong" … “I cannot fail” is one that screams the loudest.

The belief here is If I fail, then everything I have worked so hard to have, which is also attached to being worthy of being loved, will be gone and they will see through me. The fear is that love and acceptance will be taken away because the association with worth is achievement. There is so much pressure to prove that I am not ________ that it steals any chance to feel joy attached to the situation, experience, or connection.

An example of “I cannot fail” would be the fear of being a bad mother. It is still something that I have not fully allowed myself to let go of. It drives my decisions and involvement with my children and often times, the thought still occurs that I have let them down and they deserve someone better. Although the drive may result in raising the children in a way, I believe they deserve to experience, the fear is a heavy burden to bear.

Knowing how to challenge and combat these thoughts would have to come from knowing where the fear originates. Recognize the feelings and thoughts when they emerge and label it for what it is: “I feel like a fraud”, “I don’t want to be rejected”, “they will eventually want someone else”, “I am not enough” etc.  Write these instances down and see what situations or events lead to these thoughts.

Ask yourself if the thoughts and feelings associated with them are an actual representation of how things have played out for you. Do the thoughts accurately reflect reality? Do you have evidence to support these beliefs in order to make them true? When in the grips of any kind of fear, no matter how intense, we skew our experience and often, the perception of our reality is not reflective of reality. This is why you need evidence to prove or disprove a belief. Take my example of fearing that I will be a bad mother, there is no factual evidence that I do not give every part of my heart, soul, devotion, and energy to these boys, and therefore, my perception does not match reality.

Finally, give yourself compassion- the same you would offer to those you value and care for. We ALL will experience moments when we feel out of our depth and self-doubt IS a normal reaction. Reframe the thought from “I am useless” to “I feel useless right now on this particular thing AND there are other areas where I am very much skilled. I can learn to be proficient in this too”. It is crucial in overriding negative belief patterns through reframing failure as a newfound experience instead of a point of regret. It is essential to approach ourselves with some grace. The kind of compassions we would offer a friend or mentee. Everyone learns, everyone falls, and we have sufficient evidence that we are still loved regardless. It is important to challenge these thoughts with actual evidence of what will be the worst consequence should we be seen as ________.  

Nearly all of my clients start therapy wanting to feel confident, happy, and secure in their lives and most do not realize that is not the goal. Confidence, fulfillment, self-worth, and joy are the automatic result of something else- ACCEPTANCE. Most of our emotional ailment’s stem from the inability or refusal to accept ourselves for who we are currently, as a result of where we have been. Self-love is being able to accept AND present yourself for who you are in spite of the judgements associated with it. Remember, every experience is a learning opportunity. We learn what not to do when we slip up- it is how we grow. GROWTH in any capacity is success and cause for celebration.  This journey of life is going to be a continual and repetitive phase of who I was, who I am and who am I wanting to be. My hope is that you will be able to meet each of these stages of transformation with wonder and curiosity. Be gentle with yourself and embrace every version of who you are becoming.  

* The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It by Dr. Young is a good resource to understand this topic better and builds on decades of research studying fraudulent feelings among high achievers.

Stronger Than You Think

The end of the year is universally a time for reflection over how we have interacted with the different aspects of our lives. With as tumultuous and uncertain this year has represented, it may feel daunting to revisit how things may have unfolded. For most, it is been a year of finding new meaning of existing and navigating our way through life. For me, it has felt more like being surrounded by glass walls where I can see exactly where I want to go, but instead ramming my face into the barriers this year has inadvertently presented.

It is easier to recall all the ways our plans have unraveled as the year progressed. We could have been excited to seek adventure in relationships, partnerships and collaborations. Perhaps we were looking for new friendships to join in on our explorations or focused more on learning new truths about ourselves at the start of this year.

I would like to present an invitation to join me in navigating ways that we have cultivated strength this year. It may seem as though most of this time has been the antithesis of growth and progression, and yet that depends on how we define strength. Personally, just surviving the year and meeting the crucial responsibilities to stay afloat when the environment around us seems to be frantically unraveling, is something I would label as strength. Dr. Niemiec shared the following five examples of strengths we often overlook and take for granted.     

·         Character strengths are capacities for thinking, feeling, willing, and behaving. They reflect what is best in you and can be viewed as part of your positive identity. The 24 strengths (e.g., fairness, hope, kindness, leadership) in the widespread VIA Classification are the best examples of this type of strength.

·         Talents are strengths that are innate abilities, which typically have a strong biological loading, and may or may not be well-developed (e.g., intelligence, musical ability, athletic ability).

·         Skills are strengths that are specific proficiencies developed through training (e.g., learning a particular trade; computing skills; researching skills).

·         Interests are strengths that are areas or topics you are passionate about and driven to pursue, such as playing sports, engaging in particular hobbies, and working with arts or crafts.

·         Values are enduring beliefs, principles, or ideals that are of prime importance to you. Values reside in your thoughts and feelings, not behavior. E.g., your value for family, your value for hard work.

·         Learning styles are ideas or hypotheses about how people approach new material, e.g., you might be reflective in how you learn a particular subject, or you might be more interpersonal in your style because you want to receive new learnings through discussion rather than reading.

·         Resources are the one type of strength that is external. These are your external supports, such as social and spiritual connections, living in a safe neighborhood, and being part of a good family.

These five types of strengths have propelled us forward to navigate our way through times where it felt as though we are standing on shaky grounds. No matter how little, they are still strengths that have been sprinkled in all our behaviors throughout the year. Each action IS a testament to your strength. Even the detachment from the dumpster fire that this year has been for some, is an example of the innate trust that you will survive the next disappointing but not surprising setback that’s been thrown at us.

Growth of character happens during the most challenging of times. Whether it is managing your mental health to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths of what I lovingly call the “shit ditch”, or creating time to be outdoors or active in a way we haven’t made time for it before, or detaching from external negative stimuli (Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys), or allowing grace and compassion for ourselves when things do not unfold as expected or planned and finally, perhaps we have now been able to turn down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where we feel we “should” be by now. 

Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where we are when it is not where you want to be is very uncomfortable. We tend to become a harsh judge of our stagnation or the time it is taking get to the end point.

Know that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal. Accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, we are then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures. 

Not all of the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all of the experiences will be heartbreaking. In this focus of even the smallest of moments, we can start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys we find. It is learning to love every new transformation in our becoming that makes existing beautiful.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Coping When Life IS Unfair

One of life’s most valuable lessons, one that takes too long to accept, is that life is hard.

If we had our way, there would be no pain, things would go our way, we wouldn’t have to work as hard, and we certainly wouldn’t have to suffer. We get reality instead, a reality that tells us all too often that things are not fair and as Hal Urban said, “the world will not devote itself to making us happy”.

If we do not accept life as it is and face these challenges, it is impossible to be happy or content. Instead, we keep wishing for something that we will never get. If we accept and understand that life is hard, we can live more effectively and find solutions. It is this process of meeting our problems head on and looking for solutions that gives life its meaning.

Once we accept the fact that life is hard, we begin to grow. We can begin to see that every obstacle is an opportunity to write our future, regardless of what the past has said.

Life can and will break you.

Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either; for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the process of experiencing who you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

Grief is one of those experiences that feels like it could break you.

Grief is a stalker. It lurks in the cabinets and in the waiting room at the dentist’s and behind the switch on the hall light. It twines itself inside the click of pens and the heels of socks. Tea bags are infused with it, as are cereal boxes, computer games and the mail as it is slipped through the slot.

Contrary to reputation, it never looks drab; it doesn’t care about time.  It isn’t elegant. It isn’t easy or smooth. It rises with the sun and hides in the corners of fog. Surprisingly it prefers hello to goodbye. It shows up on the beach and frayed the nerves in the manner of a gunshot or a siren whizzing by. It is big, hairy, inarticulate, possessing just one word, why. It is brain freeze and sour lemons and a knife to the belly and a thrum-thrumming of the heart- combined.

Grief makes us clumsy. Always falling and attempting to rise.

An excerpt from The Painted Drum,  resonated deep within my bones. She wrote, “And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

When it comes to grief and loss, we have to be gentle with ourselves. Grief then coping comes and goes and the stages will not follow a particular pattern.

Do not beat yourself up when after a while of “handling your emotions”, you are slapped in the face with strife again.

Acknowledge what it is, accept it as natural and own the feelings.

Swim in the feelings until your fingers get all pruney.

Taking a stance of "grin and bear it" or "push through it" doesn't allow you to experience it, or reject what's happening either. It keeps you stuck, and you experience it all over again the next time a similar situation arises.

Remember that accepting where you are today, doesn't mean that you are saying it is okay to remain here indefinitely.

Understand that it makes sense for you to feel what you are right now based on the experiences that led you here, to this very moment. Give yourself the grace to feel compassion for your experience at the moment and where you are, knowing that you have the choice to start working through it again later on today, or tomorrow.

The definition of what is your best that you have to give yourself today is enough.

Only through the process of experiencing our struggles can we begin to heal. Through that healing, we can begin to experience the wonderment of being alive and to truly live.

To process fully you must first own your experience whether positive or negative. Allow the feelings to flow over you and let it embrace all of your being. Only then can you begin to make sense of why you are having these feelings, where they come from, and what to do with them next in a manner that is not pushing them aside or pretending they don’t exist.

Remember, it is your experience and no one can define it for you. Give yourself the permission to exist as you are while you are on your path to fully achieve what you are capable of becoming.

Why So Anxious?

To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.

It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.

We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.

With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.

Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.

Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.

The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.

Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.

So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.

Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.

Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.

As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?

 Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.

Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.

For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.

The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.

Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.

We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.

When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.

Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.

How Do You Handle Adversity?

This is a good lesson for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be like the COFFEE.