Finding Confidence In Who You Are

Who I am today and the woman you experience me to be, is not the woman I was 6 years ago. There are things I can say and do that I would not have the courage to do years ago. The adventures I have partaken in, the experiences I have said yes to, or even the boundaries I have set for myself are as foreign to me now if I had been told 6 years ago that this is who I would become.

I would not have thought I would ever wear a rose gold, fully bejeweled floor length gown to perform an extravagant waltz in front of 100 people. Nor would I have ever contemplated allowing myself to celebrate with such extravagance for Bollywood night AND be dressed in a traditional two-piece lehenga that had a bare midriff, which was MAGENTA, and showing my tattoos in front of my very conservative family members!

I would not have accepted the invitation to stand in front of 300 people and speak on advocacy where my passion on the topic was palpable.  6 years ago, I was fearful of sharing my views and thoughts to share publicly and have it published; forget having the confidence that my work would be sought after by multiple publishing houses. I would have been hesitant and avoidant in accepting opportunities to speak on podcasts and on TV shows as an expert.

I also would not have made a disgusted face directly at a perpetrator and walked directly to the store security in order to report the pervert who chose to expose himself to me while shopping at Marshall’s.

There is a stark difference in the energy you experience in my presence now than what you would have 6 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been the same person at my core. So, what is the drastic change? I have always been empathic and kind. I was intuitive; however, I did not trust my own intuition. I would be the container for my clients, friends, children, and partners emotions/ experiences- yet I would not set boundaries or point out what I am perceiving and speak on my intuition until I had an exuberant amount of evidence to prove my point.

I have always been feminine in my choices of clothing and how I expressed myself outwardly, and yet, I was petrified at the notion of being seen. I was not comfortable with being noticed or gaining attention and therefore, I limited my choices in fashion to avoid being called flamboyant.

I have always been the advocate for those around me, yet, I would have allowed the disrespect or trauma I experience to be dismissed as being “not that bad” or “I am strong enough to handle it without causing a scene” instead of fighting for myself too.

Some people call this transformation confidence. I will tell you that is not the case. Confidence is a by product of what the shift truly was…. ACCEPTANCE.

I learned to accept that these are aspects of myself that are different from everyone else. I have learned to accept the weirdness, the intensity, the rebellious energy, the determined spirit. All the elements of my being that was criticized by others that I had learned to dim down and neglect- I am no longer willing to hide who I am. I will swim in it until my fingers get all prun-ie and those who gravitate towards that will find me and stay. Those who do not understand or appreciate these qualities are just not meant to be a part of my tribe. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is perfectly OKAY. I have every right to be unapologetically me as long as it is not causing harm to anyone else. I am ME in all my creative, flamboyant, intense, loving, strange, fierce, and dysfunctional self.

Here are a few affirmations that have helped me stay on course of revealing myself to me and learning to accept those attributes for what they were without judgement. You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you.

·         You cannot grow in an environment that steals nurturing energy.

·         You cannot evolve in an environment that stifles your transformations.

·         Awareness without behavioral change is bullsh*t.

·         Boundaries without consequence is a waste of breath.

·         The intent doesn’t erase the impact.

 Which affirmations have or could potentially be helpful in helping you accept you as you are?

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.