Does Our Sense Of Purpose Have To Come From Our Careers?

 We grow up with everyone from our parents, family members, peers and teachers asking us what we want to be when we grow up. Having that question asked from an age as early as 5yrs old, imprints on us the need to have a greater sense of meaning from our careers. We oftentimes conflate purpose with our careers also because we spend a majority of our day at work, or other activities associated with our jobs.

Having a sense of purpose defines why what we are doing is worthwhile and brings with it feelings of passion, and drive. We have our days outlined and defined by what society deems to be important, and if that is not in alignment with what we value, we start to wonder what the point of all the effort is.

While it would be amazing to have a career that supports the feeling of purpose and making an impact on our own lives, that of others or humanity as a whole, it does not have to be come from what we do for a living.

I believe our lives as a whole need to have elements of purpose sprinkled throughout in all aspects of our lives. For example, if we were to segment my life, it would consist of my career, children, romantic relationships, family members, social, health, hobbies, and spirituality. To feel as though my life has purpose, I would need to find elements in each of these 8 aspects that make up my life.

For those who feel unfulfilled in their jobs, I would ask them to reframe the benefits of working where they are at. I encourage my clients to see their jobs as a way to fund their passions. The vacations, hobbies, eating out, wardrobe updates, jewels etc. They could also find ways to associate the job requirements or the people they work with as extensions of their personal values whether that is helping other people, creating things that benefit society as a whole, finding coworkers with similar ideologies, or having customers to connect to.

It seems wonderful in theory; however, it can be challenging to put it into practice because of our inner critic. Inner criticism would be the nagging voice we hear that puts down some element of achievement or aspect of our personalities. Here are a few steps for shutting the inner critic down.

-Ask yourself "Is this message true? Is the story I am telling myself about this accurate.

-Do I have evidence to support this belief? Is this belief general in an overall sense or specific to an incident?" By breaking it down, we can decipher the critic from our truth. It helps to give it a name, an identity, an image so it can be separated from who you are and addressed as a separate entity when it speaks up. Think about the negative criticism, how it is worded in your mind and how it makes you feel. Imagine a character in popular media that reminds you of how this talk manifests and then give it a name. Mine would be Victoria Grayson from the TV show Revenge.

-Start to recognize that just because they're having thoughts doesn't make them *true* Pause, reassess, and release those thoughts? By challenging the basis and significance of occurrence. If my negative thought is that I am not a good mother, I would first have to define what it means to be a good mother, see if I have met those criteria that day, and see if the concern I have is a general, or specific fear. Then give myself some grace to forgive whatever I believe to be a shortcoming in that area and make a specific and directive plan to change course.

-Ask what are the repercussions of taking this step? Repercussions would be the difficulty in sitting and facing these negative beliefs and understanding where they came from in the first place. That awareness can be daunting. It takes courage to face and challenge these negative inner critics.

Awareness is power. There are some negative criticisms that may never go away because they are so deeply ingrained in our psyche. Through this awareness, we can see it coming, understand why it is there, challenge the validity of the thought and actively push past the hesitation and fear that is there.

Without honoring where we are at the moment, we will never truly be satisfied with where we are going or any improvement that has been made. We will continue chasing after a vision that is rapidly changing of what it means to be better without the joy and satisfaction of what we have overcome. It is necessary to be satisfied with the work we have done on self-improvement up to this point- no matter how small in order to truly be able to love ourselves and our journey.

Language Of Apology

A violation of a value causes emotional pain especially when the love language that you rely on to feel belonging, acceptance or deep regard is then contradicted. Insults can leave you shattered and those words are not easily forgotten (Words of Affirmation). Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be essentially hurtful (Quality Time). A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures (Receiving Gifts). Laziness, broken commitments, and creating additional work, communicates to receivers of this language that their feelings don’t matter (Acts of Service).  And finally, physical distancing, neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive (Physical Touch).

Just as your love language when violated could be your greatest source of suffering, the language of apology can subsequently help to heal those wounds.  Gary Chapman's love languages help us to feel affection when it is given in the way we specifically receive, and the language of apology fosters healing when also given in our unique style. The five languages of apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Repentance, Requesting Forgiveness, and Making Restitution.

1. Expressing regret: If the person you’ve hurt has this language, they want to know “Do you understand how deeply your behavior has hurt me?” This language is required for the person that has been hurt to see that you are able to empathize and put yourself in their shoes. That you understand them as a person to know how much this behavior has caused them suffering and why. In order to make amends, you would need to be able to pull from their values and past history to show the connection of how your behavior has triggered their values and then apologize for the pain that was caused.

2. Accepting responsibility: If the person you apologize to has this apology language, they want you to take ownership for what you did or said and acknowledge that it was wrong. This person needs to hear that you are taking full responsibility for these actions without an attempt to justify, or diminish the impact of the behavior.

3. Making restitution: If someone has this apology language, what they really want to know is “does this behavior reflect how you feel about me?” Your behavior seemed so unloving to them that they wondered how you could love them and do what you did. In this situation, the person is looking for ways you can rebuild the trust that was lost through actions. These actions will then serve to overwrite or negate the messages that were delivered through the harmful behavior or words. According to the Nobel Prize-winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, each day we experience approximately 20,000 moments. The quality of our days is determined by how our brains recognize and categorize our moments—either as positive, negative, or just neutral. Rarely do we remember neutral moments. Gottman founded the ratio of 5:1 in that it takes five positive moments for our brains to overcome one negative moment.

4. Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior: When this is someone’s apology language, if your apology does not include a desire to change your behavior, you have not truly apologized and therefore, the apology is not sincere. This person fears that these hurtful behaviors will continue and perhaps a few days or months later, they will be in the same situation yet again.

5. Requesting forgiveness: If you offend someone who has this apology language, the words “will you please forgive me?” are the words they want to hear.  Requesting forgiveness is the way to touch their heart and is the way that feels sincere to them. The reason behind this is they want to see that the other person is able to be humble and give back the emotional power to the person who was hurt. 

How you say sorry matters based on the way we receive an apology. Our language of apology is just as unique as all the other aspects that have been designed through our life experiences. In order to heal, we must receive this apology in our own unique way. This is just as individualized and necessary as our need for love, our pet peeves, our values or how we view the world. If making amends matters, it must be given in the way the other person receives. This can be an opportunity to discuss and learn about the important people in your life and how they heal from a regrettable incident. Take the quiz here

5 Steps to Heal from Gaslighting

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

-New Port Institute/ Mental Health

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have also shown up in popular media recently—for example, in the Netflix series Maid, the novel and movie The Girl on the Train, and the reality TV show The Bachelorette.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means and how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which Alfred Hitchock later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof

Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong

Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you

Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior

Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out

Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault

Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions

Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior

Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”

Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms.

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern and indicate that the connection is unhealthy and may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work and in Society?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee. Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that causes the other person to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. A gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting. Women in general are often subject to gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern

PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

Having trouble making even simple decisions

Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends

Constantly second-guessing yourself

Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you

Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad

Walking on eggshells around the other person

Believing that you are too sensitive

Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations

Feeling lonely and trapped

Doubting your own memory and sanity

Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe

Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time

Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”

Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become

Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

In addition, perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health issues as well. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, or as the result of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or another psychological condition.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

More Sources:

J Sexual Aggression. 2021 Jan; 27(2): 1850893.

J Women Minorities Sci Eng. 2021; 27(2): 1–23.

Am Sociolog Rev. 2019 Sept; 84(5): 851–875.

J Perinatal Neonatal Nursing. 2018 Jan; 32(1): 59–65.

Mental Health / November 4, 2021

Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are a time of love, laughter and joy; or at least ideally that’s what we all want them to be. It is the perfect presentation of the romanticized view we hold of love, family, and romance (Every kiss begins with Kay!). The Commercials reflect the joy, connection, and wholesome embrace of goodwill and peace. It is also the perfect recipe for comparison and feeling slapped with the loneliness of being reminded of everything you do not have and not being where you should be. Chances are that the realities of the holidays are filled with stress, loneliness and disappointment especially when you are not able to spend quality time with those you love.

A common theme during the holidays is the slight despondence of where we are relationally. The pressure of either following through with the expectations of the relationships we hold, or of being involved in the societal expectations of having family and relationships. This time can really highlight our own insecurities of what is and what should be.

When feeling overwhelmed, consider the following tips:

Taking a time out:

The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, it can give us a chance to recalibrate and re-center when stressed. Alone time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media. Giving yourself time alone when feeling overwhelmed and pulled in every direction can give that much needed time out for our minds and body to settle back down.

Keep Things Simple and Light:

We want the holidays to be a fantastic memory and at times take on too much in order to make the experience memorable and extravagant. Sometimes it's not the negativity (of ourselves or others) or the magnitude of something that affects our mental health, but our inability to handle the pressure of seemingly having too many things to do at one time; in other words feeling overwhelmed. It is important to remind ourselves of the core reason for getting together: sharing in love and joy in each other's company. If dinner seems too stressful to cook everything, have it catered or bring in a potluck type meal. Keep it as simple as possible.

H.A.L.T.

Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown, uncertain or the absence of a routine/structure that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fear's worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline.

Maintaining a Sense of Acceptance and Flexibility

When things are not going as planned, our anxiety may flair up. Anxiety is just our mind's way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can.

Feel the Love

One of the biggest emotional rushes can come from the love of a significant other, parent, child, sibling, as well as from friends -- and even your dog or cat. At this time when you are unable to be with family or loved ones, seek out someone who will not be judgmental, but will give you some moments of unconditional love and support. Avoid the emotional blackmailing or passive aggressive ones who appear to be providing you with love and support, only to put you down or make you end up feeling worse.

Pamper Yourself

Do something to treat yourself, such as a eating a favorite little snack, taking a 30-minute nap, catching a movie matinee, indulging with a massage, or relaxing with a warm bath. Taking a break from your routine to watch a great (or favorite) movie, listen to inspiring music, laugh at your favorite comedian, or view some beautiful art. Not only will you have a temporary diversion from your troubles, but the strong emotional reaction you receive from the source can provide just the lift you need to tackle the troubles you face. Doing something just for you -- taking care of yourself -- away from the stresses and rush of the day can be doubly rewarding as it not only breaks the routine of the day, but also allows you to do something just for yourself.

The greatest part about these tips is that none of them takes much effort to accomplish while providing you with at least a temporary reprieve from the things that are troubling you and giving you the mental boost you need to carry on with your life. Remember what Richard Carlson says in his best-selling book of the same name: don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. It's easy to let a bunch of small setbacks build up into something that drags us down, but you should always try your best to see the bigger picture, pushing aside the insignificant issues so that you can focus on the things that really matter in your life.

Coping Without Closure

‘Are you happy? Would you tell me if you weren’t? Would I realize it if I wasn’t?’

How do you define happy? Was happy the emotion that I felt? As I lay against him and aligned my breathing with his, I realized the thing I actually felt was safe. I saw that I associated safety with love and subsequently with happy. Normal people probably take the feeling of safety for granted. They only notice when they suddenly feel unsafe. There was something odd in his voice that I couldn’t decipher. I was attuned to changes in people, although I would always second guess and doubt my instincts. Since mine could clearly not be trusted, I would have to rely on their answers to find truth.

To admit early on that we seemed incompatible, unable to communicate freely, easily, and honestly, would have felt like an act of such savage destruction. We were making plans for this beautiful life together, and these dreams would have to be thrown away. Which is exactly what happened, only much later and leaving behind a much larger field of debris. I now know that what is-is all that matters. Not what once was, not what could have been, not what was meant to be, not what should be- just what is.

Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. Just as likely, we can continue to live exactly as we do right now, under the guise of love, and unspeakable compromise, aching but renaming it as tired. There was a sad realization that this gift was physical evidence, proof that he didn’t know the first thing about who I actually was. He has been too busy studying me for flaws and incompatibilities to actually get to know me. He didn’t even like me. I didn’t want to be with someone because he had a strong sense of duty.

We weren’t sharing a life together, rather living parallel lives and occupying the same cage. He loved the life we had built and our life would be perfect for him if only I wasn’t in it, as in the specific attributes that make me the human that I am. Looking over the facts of the relationship clearly shows that this is not a relationship that should continue. I wanted our relationship to end neatly, with a bow if possible. Something that resembled a resolution, a truce. It did not end in that way, and even if it would have, I would still need to go through the stages of grieving this relationship and all that it could have been.

The following are a few of the questions that are asked in therapy when coping with the end of a relationship.

1: How do I get over my ex?

It is important to remind your self that they have an existence just as you do and it is important to stand strong in the world you have created for yourself separate from the person you were with. You have your career, intellect, interests, social support, family, etc. It is important to remind yourself of your whole identity that is separate from them so when you run into them or their friends, the feeling of panic, loss or missing out doesn’t overwhelm you. It will be a trigger to process, but perhaps it can be processed later on in the evening at a time of your choosing. Having a list of affirmations to post on your wall or writing them on the mirror with a wine marker that reminds you daily of all that you are and all the characteristics you possess will help challenge the doubt that arises of our own self worth after a breakup.

2: How long will this all take? Is there is no one timeline for moving on from a breakup, and that it's okay to take the time you need. - or is X amount of time too long?

It is a bit of both. Our healing time will depend on the meaning the relationship held as well as the length of the relationship. How many associations we have with this person that are attached to the firsts (first love, kiss, first physically intimate experience, first time living together, first pet together, etc.) One year would be the max for continuous grieving. There will always be triggers, things that remind you and make you question where it all went wrong, but that shouldn’t last more than a year. You will go through the stages of grief that include bargaining, sadness, anger, denial, and acceptance.

3. How do I manage the crazy emotions?

So, don’t stop or restrain your anger, or else it will just manifest itself in other ways. And while you’re at it, refrain from labeling it “wrong,” “inappropriate,” or “unacceptable,” too. This is just another form of anger suppression. Instead, let yourself feel your anger; it will dissipate eventually.

(Remember: what you resist will persist.)

Don’t get me wrong: feeling your anger is healthy; acting out on your anger is unhealthy. Let the anger out or calm it down in healthy ways. Do the same with all the other emotions that come up for you. Process through it. You don’t need to “make things right,” admit your mistakes or get closure. The relationship ending and your ex being unwilling to work things out is by itself a form of closure. What has happened, has happened and it couldn’t happen any other way.

The healthiest coping mechanism is getting rid of everything associated with this person and remove any external reminders such as social media, loitering around your old

hangouts, creeping on their Instagram every day, communication through text, or phone, or reminders of photos that can hinder the healing process.

Running on Empty

The important part about feeling burnt out is to recognize when it is coming on. Typically the signs for me would be a lackluster attitude towards the administrative side to counseling such as writing up my notes and evaluations, taking payment or calling new clients back, when previously I felt passionate towards the administrative contribution of building my private practice. I also notice that I am wishing for weekends to come sooner rather than later, or finding myself taking longer times to get the day started and waiting till the last minute to get going.

I have to regularly remind myself that taking a break to create a physical or mental distance is not reflective of my work ethic or whether or not I value helping others. It just means I am tired, worn out and spent. I have had to learn to rest when I am tired through:

1. managing my mental health with therapy, meditation, or journaling to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths

2. creating time to be outdoors or active in a way I haven’t made time for it recently like dancing or swimming

3. detaching from external negative stimuli, my mantra being Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys, or allowing grace

4. compassion for myself when things do not unfold as expected or planned

Perhaps the most pertinent coping skill for me is turning down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where I feel I “should” be by now. Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where I am and my limitations when it is not where I want to be is very uncomfortable.

I have learned that taking the time to practice the pause, will help me to regenerate my emotional, mental and physical energy as well as allow room to reintroduce the point of why I chose this career or life path. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal, so I try my best to accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, I am then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures.

To manage life when it all feels overwhelming, start by becoming more aware of the signs of burnout for yourself. What does that look like, how does it feel physically, and what kinds of toll it takes on the physical and mental aspects of daily life. One way of recognizing what is happening is to stop what you are doing and take 5 deep breaths before starting analysis. HALT is an acronym commonly used in the field of psychotherapy for awareness and time to take action. Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired. When you are dealing with more than one of these symptoms at the same time, you are your own worst enemy and will be the victim of your subconscious. Self- deprecating messages run rampant and the likelihood of responding to a situation instead of reacting is slim to none. Therefore, when you notice more than one of these being off, stop what you are doing (HALT) and take care of what you can in the moment. If you are hungry, grab a snack. If you feel lonely, reach out to a friend, colleague or loved one. If you are angry, write down all the feelings behind the anger and a different reason behind each emotion to process it quickly and be able to set the anger aside. Once those needs are met, there will be more of a feeling of stability before you are able to carve out time to take a break.

Sometimes you don’t realize you are drowning when you are trying to be everyone else’s anchor. Living in a society where being on the go and achieving the next goal is glamourized, it is important to recognize the need for daily self care and a monthly mental health day to maintain our own sense of passion for life as well as to prevent burnout.

1. The goal for a mental health day is to completely check out from everything that keeps us tethered to our regular sense of reality. For me that would be my work phone, emails, social media and anyone that feels as though they take more emotional energy than they invest in us. Remember, taking time for yourself doesn't mean me first, it means, me too.

2. Find total escapism. We love vacations because of the ability to leave it all behind and as much as I would love to hop on a plane to the nearest beach once a month, my life, career and family responsibilities do not allow for that... just yet hahah. In the meantime, we must be able to create a space that feels like our own little hideaway. It could be a spa day, to get hair, nails and massage done, or it could be a home spa day where there are specific masks, polishes or pampering routines can be completed that is reserved only for that day once a month. I have a basket of bath oils, skin care treatments, wine and candles that is reserved JUST for this day. During the following weeks after my mental health day, I buy random goodies in anticipation of my next self care day. There are also specific dedicated areas in my home that is JUST for me; my library and my outdoor screened in porch. The children are not allowed in my library because that is my place to escape from the world when I am reading. I will light candles, make a cup of steaming, delicious coffee and the babies (Teens NOT babies) are aware that it is my time and only to come find me if there is a catastrophe.

3. Allow for activities that ignite our passions. I adore dancing. Learning new dances or practicing routines that I have choreographed. I will make time to feel the excitement of just losing myself in the music whether it is waltzing around the living room with my cat, or taking a weekend lesson at the local community center or if I am really high on life, I may find an outdoor club and dance the night away. Find physical activities that remind you of the joy in being alive.

Remember, the point of living is to live. Feel the emotions; good, bad, exhilarating or ugly. Allow yourself to remember that success isn’t about pushing yourself to the breaking point, we can’t enjoy all the hard work we put in if we are too drained and unwell from the effort.

Sleep and Grief

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss. It is felt profoundly, yet differently, by everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a journey that we are forced to undertake when we lose someone we care about. Understanding grief, however, doesn’t make it any less difficult or painful. 

Grief is felt on an emotional level, but also on a physical level. Your heart can literally ache. A memory can cause your stomach to lurch. A photograph can make tears well in your eyes. Some nights, your mind races so fast that you cannot sleep. Other times you feel you could sleep all day. 

“If we let the despair set in, all aspects of life, including our sleep, will be negatively impacted. We will either have a hard time falling asleep or sleep excessively to escape reality,” said Dr. J. Salim, a dentist with Sutton Place Dental Associates in New York specializing in sleep apnea. “The net effect of these two possibilities is anxiety, lethargy, fatigue, loss of productivity, despair, hopelessness, compromises health, weight gain, and loss of will and motivation to advance in life.”

The truth is, insomnia and hypersomnia (excessive sleepiness or drowsiness) are not an uncommon symptom of grieving. And they can make the pain and anguish of grief worse. But there are things you can do to help you get the rest you need. And, in time, the intensity of your grief should become more manageable.  

Causes of Grief

Grief is the result of loss that is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But there are other causes of grief:

• Loss of a loved one through relationship breakup or divorce.

• Personal loss of one’s own abilities, health, or well-being due to illness or injury.

• Loss of a job, financial security, or social status.

• The physical absence of someone whose fate is unknown, such as in the case of a kidnapped or missing children or lost soldiers.

• The psychological loss of someone who is physically present but mentally absent, such as a loved one with dementia.

• Disenfranchised losses, such as the loss of a pregnancy, pet, home, etc.

The Stages of Grief

Grief is the response to loss. Bereavement is the profound absence felt when someone you love is gone. Both are common reactions when someone you love dies. These feelings gradually ease, but for some people, these emotions are debilitating and don’t improve in time. It becomes difficult to get on with your life. This is a condition known as complicated grief, and it often requires professional help to work through emotions so that you can learn to cope.  

You may have heard about the Five Stages of Grief – the Kübler-Ross model that breaks grieving into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was written by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in 1969 in her book “On Death & Dying.” For decades, the Five Stages of Grief have served as a guide for people as they work through their grief. The stages aren’t necessarily linear. Some people experience all steps in order while others may experience them in a different order. Yet others may only feel a few of the emotions. Let’s take a closer look at the five stages: 

1. Denial: Disbelief in diagnosis or death.

2. Anger: When it is understood that denial cannot continue, anger and frustration can set in.

3. Bargaining: The hope of believing that the cause of grief can be avoided through negotiation.

4. Depression: Deep sorrow over the loss.

5. Acceptance: Realization that everything will be OK.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that grief ends. You will always mourn your loved one. But, in time, the pain should become more manageable.

The Connection between Grief and Sleep

During bereavement, we can experience a range of reactions. The pain of loss can be emotional and physical — your heart and body can actually ache. This alone can cause problems with sleep. But, combined with the emotional reactions — like sadness, loneliness, and anxiety — those who are grieving can either experience sleepless nights or seek escape in sleeping more.

For people with complicated grief, the risk for sleep disturbances appears to be greater as the condition is often accompanied by depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

A Rice University and Northwestern University study published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that people who recently lost a spouse were more likely to have disrupted sleep and that this fragmented sleep caused an increase in inflammation in their bodies two to three times higher than those who were not bereaved. If sleep did not improve, the researchers surmised, these widows and widowers could experience long-term inflammation, putting them at increased risk for cardiovascular disease.  

“One of the biggest ways grief and sleep is connected is through dreams,” says Rebecca Ogle, a licensed Clinical Social Worker and therapist with Grounded Counseling in Chicago, Illinois. “Many grieving folks dream about their loved ones. If the dreams are upsetting this may cause them to dread sleeping and have trouble falling asleep.”

Others may oversleep. “This is due, in part, to the simple fact that grief is emotionally exhausting,” she adds. Many people who are grieving feel they need to put on a “brave face” for others who are concerned for them or in order to return to work. Yet, “internally they are miserable,” she says. “Not only is keeping up with this tiring, it can also lead to feelings of isolation, which leads to people spending time alone, which leads to lots of sleep.”

The Physical Symptoms of Grief

Licensed independent clinical social worker Howard Lunche, in his book, “Understanding Grief,” identified the symptoms of grief as being felt on several levels including physical, emotional, mental, social, behavioral, and spiritual. 

Physical

• Headaches

• Chest pain

• Stomach issues

• Aches and soreness

• Shortness of breath

Emotional

• Shock

• Numbness

• Sadness

• Anger

• Guilt

Mental

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Forgetfulness

• Denial

• Low motivation

Social

• Isolation from others

• Withdrawing from social activities

• Loss of friends

Behavioral

• Crying

• Searching for deceased

• Avoiding places that arouse grief

Spiritual

• Questioning God

• Wondering where your loved one is

• Hearing or sensing the deceased is near

Lack of Sleep

• Insomnia — Symptoms of insomnia include difficulty falling asleep or awakening at night and having difficulty falling back to sleep. Insomnia is not uncommon after someone goes through the stress and trauma of losing a loved one.

• Physical pains from grief — The pain from grief is not only emotional, it can be physical as well. You become more aware of physical sensations like pain. Backaches, joint pain, headaches, and general stiffness and soreness are common side effects of grief. You may even feel a dull hollow in your gut.

Excess Sleep

• Hypersomnia — The overwhelming and constant exhaustion and sadness that accompanies grief can also cause excessive daytime sleepiness or oversleeping, a condition known as hypersomnia. This is a common symptom in people with depression. Hypersomnia symptoms include sleeping all day, taking a lot of naps during the day, going to bed early in the evening, or oversleeping in the morning.

• Depression (and its physical side effects) — Depression is a common symptom among those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. People who are depressed can experience significant weight gain or weight loss, psychomotor agitation, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, inability to concentrate, marked loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, and insomnia or hypersomnia.

Understanding different types of grief 

Loss of a spouse

Whether you’ve been married a few years or several decades, losing your life partner is devastating. You may feel shocked or numb. You may experience survivor’s guilt for being the one who survived. You may even get mad at your deceased spouse for leaving you. All these emotions are normal as you work through your grief. A huge void has entered your life and you may feel lonely, scared, or anxious suddenly without your spouse. This is the time to take extra care of yourself. Studies have shown that after losing a spouse, the surviving spouse is at a 48% greater risk of dying. 

Losing your life partner can be especially difficult at night. The empty space next to you in bed feels vast. It can be especially difficult falling asleep at night without your loved one. “If you’ve lost a partner, get a body pillow or let the dog sleep with you for a while,” suggests Dr. Brian Wind, a clinical psychologist and Chief Clinical Officer of Journey Pure. “You might also sleep on your partner’s side of the bed for a sense of closure.”

Loss of a parent

Regardless of your age or the closeness of your relationship, losing a parent is never easy. Your mother and father brought you into this world. Losing one or both can feel as if the anchor to your identity has been cut and you’re left adrift in the world without them. Studies have found that we identify the loss of a father and mother differently. The death of a father is like a loss of personal mastery. Fathers instilled in us the strategies and tools to help us live and work. Losing a mother, however, is felt on a more visceral level because of the nurturing role they played in our lives when we were young. 

At night, you may find yourself lying in bed unable to sleep because your mind is flooded with thoughts. You may feel guilty for not spending more time with them, or grieve not having a better relationship with them. You may worry that you didn’t live up to their expectations. To calm a racing mind so you can sleep better, Dr. Wind suggests “incorporate breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga into your pre-sleeping routine.” Seeing a therapist can also help you process those hurtful thoughts and emotions.

Loss of a child 

Parents are supposed to outlive their children. Whether they are a toddler, teenager, or adult, when a child’s life is cut short, we are left grappling for understanding. The physical and emotional pain may be especially overwhelming if the death was sudden or unexpected. But even if death follows a lengthy and painful illness, there is little peace in losing a child. As parents, we are responsible for nurturing our children. When they die, you may feel as if you failed them. You may also feel as if you have lost a part of yourself because, quite literally, you have. 

The pain of losing a child can be so overwhelming, it may be difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You may want to sleep the rest of your life away. “Most times, sleep is preferred instead of dealing with the devastation,” says Dr. Reneé Sunday, an anesthesiologist and motivational speaker.

Losing a child is a traumatic experience, and you may need professional help getting through it. Studies show that parents who do not work through their grief are at an increased risk for long-term mental and physical health consequences. A study published in JAMA found that therapy that resembles treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was 25% more effective at helping people manage their grief than traditional therapy. 

Loss due to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a shocking and heart-wrenching experience. You may be struggling with guilt, anger, or confusion. You might ask yourself: “Could I have done something to prevent it?” Not only will you experience the physical and emotional symptoms of grief, you may also feel isolated. Many people have a difficult time talking about suicide and may not reach out to you because they don’t know what to say.

Guilt can wake you up at night, and painful thoughts of “what if” or “why” can keep you from falling back to sleep. You may even have thoughts of suicide. This is not unusual or uncommon. However, having these thoughts does not mean you will act on them. Keep asking yourself questions until you no longer need to ask, suggests the nonprofit SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education). Consider attending a support group for families who have been affected by suicide. Talking with others who know your pain can help you process your emotions. In time, you will be able to work through your anxious thoughts and get a good night’s sleep.

Loss of a pet

For many of us, pets are more than animals. They are beloved family members who fill our lives with joy and companionship. When a pet dies, the sense of loss you feel can be similar to losing a loved one. Some people may not understand your level of grief over a pet. They might tell you it’s time to “move on,” or that you’ll feel better if you get another pet. It’s not always that easy. 

If your pet slept in your bedroom or in your bed, you will sense their absence at night. Even if your pet slept in a crate or cage, you can still feel the void knowing they are not in your home. The absence can make it difficult to fall asleep. “It may help to sleep with a stuffed animal, article of clothing, or even a photo that reminds you of them,” Ogle says. And actively do things to heal your heart, like reaching out to others who have lost pets, holding a funeral, or ceremoniously scattering your pet’s ashes. Also, take care of yourself. Because in grief you are at greater risk for accidents, illnesses, and general aches and pains

Loss due to COVID-19

COVID-19 has created angst for many of us. But losing a loved one during a global pandemic can be devastating, especially if you were unable to say goodbye to your loved one in person due to efforts to stop the spread of the virus. You may have been faced with the decision to take your loved one off life support, a particularly difficult experience to reason with if your loved one was healthy before contracting the virus. 

You may lie awake at night, searching for understanding. Or wake in the night consumed with grief, anger, or anxiety. It is normal to feel overwhelmed with emotion, especially since social distancing can make it challenging to receive hugs of comfort from others. Find your own comfort by making your bedroom into a sanctuary, Dr. Wind says. “Make sure your bedroom is dark and at a cool temperature for sleeping,” and that your mattress and bedding are comfortable and supportive. As you work through your grief, sleep will come easier.

Sleep Tips for Grieving

Grieving isn’t a “one size fits all” process. Everyone grieves differently. And you cannot compare your mourning with another’s because it won’t necessarily look the same. Some of us cry, look sad and withdraw from others. Some of us grieve in private while trying to convince others we are fine. Still, some of us cope by staying busy, afraid if we slow down, we will have to face the pain of our loss. Many of us, however, suffer from sleep disturbances following the loss of a loved one. But there are things you can do to help you get a better night’s sleep:

Sleep hygiene and routine

• Sleeping/bedroom environment — Your bedroom should be a sanctuary only for sleep and sex. Use blackout curtains to block out light, set the thermostat at a cool but comfortable temperature, use a sound machine to block out noise and lull you to sleep.

• New mattress and bedding — Old, sagging mattresses can impede your best efforts to sleep. Consider a new memory foam, latex, or hybrid mattress that offers comfort and support. New mattresses also offer performance factors that traditional innerspring beds don’t like pressure point relief and spinal alignment to help reduce aches and pains.

• Exercise at appropriate times — Exercise is a great way to burn off stress and anxiety and to prepare your body for sleep. But don’t do any strenuous exercise within three hours of bedtime. Exercise releases endorphins, the “feel-good” chemical, that can overstimulate you and keep you from sleeping.

• Avoiding alcohol/drugs/stimulants before bed — Alcohol can make you sleepy, which may seem ideal when you have trouble sleeping. But too much alcohol too close to bedtime can make you wake up during the night and have trouble falling back to sleep. Coffee and caffeinated drinks are stimulating and if consumed too close to bedtime can keep you from falling asleep.

• Blue light exposure before bed — It may be tempting to look at your phone or watch TV to help you fall asleep at night. But these devices emit blue light, which blocks the body’s natural sleep hormone, melatonin, and thus interferes with your ability to fall asleep.

• Room temperature — A room that is too hot or too cold can make sleep downright uncomfortable. For most people a temperature between 65 and 72 degrees is ideal for sleep.

• Sleep schedule — Maintain a regular bedtime and wake up time can keep your circadian rhythm in check. The circadian rhythm is the body’s internal 24-hour clock that governs your sleep-wake cycle.

Relaxation techniques

• Meditation — Taking time to practice mindfulness or focus your mind on a particular thought or object can help clear your mind and reduce stress, and can ultimately help you sleep better. Meditation apps are a great resource for this.

• Breathing exercises — Breathing can be a powerful tool for reducing anxiety and can help you wind down before bedtime. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths, breathing in and out through the nose, allowing your belly to fill with air.

• Acupressure — Acupressure is based on the same traditional Chinese medicine principles as acupuncture to relieve stress, but it uses pressure instead of needles on certain points on the body. You can do acupressure on yourself by simply applying pressure with your fingers to the same points targeted by acupuncture.

Seek help

Grief is a deeply personal experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or seek out support groups where you can share with others who have experienced similar pains. If you are having an especially difficult time with your grief and time doesn’t seem to heal your wound, talk with a therapist or psychologist specialized in grief counseling.

Final Thoughts 

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss that can lead to sleepless nights. Insomnia and hypersomnia are common side effects of grieving. Just as the intensity of your pain becomes more manageable in time, so should your sleep. And as your sleep improves, so will your ability to handle your grief. 

If you need additional help, call the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

Charlotte Spence

Certified Sleep Science Coach

https://www.mattressnerd.com/sleep-and-grief/

Insomnia During a Breakup

There is an actual name for a broken heart: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. This long-winded word means extreme stress from heartbreak, and it is a very real experience some people have to go through. 

Heartbreak is a living, breathing personal torment that most of us encounter at one point or another in our lives. The loss of love can present itself in a form so severe, the grief can leave room for many other serious conditions such as insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety and even suicide or death.

 “It has been concluded that rejection and emotional and physical pain are all processed in the same regions of the brain,” says Aimee Barr, LCSW. “The experience of heartbreak is so potent that researchers have concluded that those who have recently been through a breakup display similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain.”

She continues, “I believe that heartbreak is one of the most emotionally grueling experiences anyone can go through.”

Such severe emotions no doubt have a profound effect on your sleep, when memories of happier times can creep into your mind and invade your thoughts when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. When you are moving on from heartbreak, sleep can feel like the enemy. 

For some, getting the sleep needed to heal is easier said than done, so we have some tips to help. 

Why Heartbreaks Make It Difficult To Sleep

There is a science-backed reason for why love is so addictive. Love increases the feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, but when we experience heartbreak, these hormones decrease, and we receive more of the stress hormone cortisol.

“Love can be addictive, like a drug, because of the hormones our brain releases when we become really attached to someone or something,” says Queensland Health. 

Cortisol is the stress hormone produced by an area of the body called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. It is most commonly associated with the body’s fight-or-flight response.

It all has to do with your circadian rhythm. This is a 24-hour cycle based on periods of day and night when you are awake and at rest. Your body’s cortisol production is lowest around midnight and usually peaks in the morning, around 9 am or an hour after you wake up. You will still receive small boosts of cortisol throughout the day but nothing too prominent.

When you have too much cortisol over an extended period of time, it can lead to some unpleasant symptoms. Cortisol could be to blame for the anxiety and nausea you feel during a breakup, as well as any acne and weight gain. 

Short-term effectsTemporary effectsLong-term effects• Rapid heart rate
• Spike in blood sugar
• Rapid breathing
• Sharpened senses• Mood changes
• Digestion and metabolism changes
• Improved immune system
• Headaches• Acne
• Weight gain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Memory problems
• Heart disease

For many nursing a broken heart, high cortisol levels are a leading reason why it’s so difficult to find sleep.

Research shows that when there is too much activity in the HPA axis, it can cause you to suffer from fragmented sleep, shortened sleep, or even insomnia. Sleep apnea is another example of conditions triggered by increased cortisol production. 

Stress and trauma are common causes of cortisol, but research shows that some extreme traumas can actually cause your cortisol levels to drop. To counteract an imbalance in cortisol, experts recommend a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables. Fish oil and ashwagandha supplements can also help, along with moderate exercise, meditation and deep breathing.

Insomnia and the stages of heartbreak

Heartbreak can pertain to two different types of insomnia: sleep-onset insomnia, which means trouble falling asleep, and sleep maintenance insomnia, which is when you have trouble staying asleep.

This can impact your sleep in different ways as you progress through these stages.

1. Question

Sometimes, relationships end without giving us the understanding we feel we need to process and move on. Many a restless night has been spent trying to find answers to the nagging question of, Why? It is an answer you may never receive, but it’s still reason enough to keep you up at night with rising anxiety.

1. Apathy

The absence of answers can lead to an overall feeling of apathy where you feel numb. It may be hard to feel anything at all, and you may feel like you are moving on auto-pilot. It is hard to get excited or muster up a ton of care about things, often because you are over-extended emotionally, and it can affect your ability to fall and remain asleep. Don’t worry, however, as this will pass. 

1. Anger

The next stage is anger. It’s only natural to feel more than a little mad as you work out the reasons why your relationship ended. You may feel angry at yourself, angry at your partner or just angry at the overall situation. Either way, the bristling anger and biting frustration can keep you up at night when you ought to be resting.

1. Grief

At the end of it all comes the grief. Regardless of whether your relationship ended on good terms, it marks the end of a period in your life. It can be especially difficult to deal with when your ex moves on quickly with someone new. Social media may also prove to be a torment as you sacrifice sleep to follow the latest in your ex’s life via Facebook or Instagram.  

While you mourn your loss, it’s very likely that you may experience insomnia or nightmares.

How To Get Better Sleep While Experiencing These Feelings

A heartbreak is a difficult thing most of us will experience in our lifetime, but it becomes a little more manageable with some strategic help. 

These are some things you can do to help you find rest easier each night so you don’t have to sacrifice your sleep while you are mending a broken heart.

• Leave your phone in another room.

Blue light from your phone and other devices can make it very hard for you to fall asleep at night. To keep yourself from reaching for the phone, and keep it in another room instead. This will also help you resist the urge to check up on your ex or walk down memory lane with old photos or messages.  

• Schedule time to be sad.

In today’s busy world, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have time to be sad, but at the same time, you have to allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a major loss that requires time and space in order to heal, but well-intentioned friends, family, and colleagues may make that difficult to attain. Instead, schedule some time for yourself, so you have a chance to deal with your emotions privately before you continue about your day or night.  

• Take time for self-care.

When you’re going through a breakup, you’re not usually feeling at your very best. That is why it is so important to give yourself extra care and attention during this period. The better rested and taken care of you are, the better able you will be to defeat this heartbreak. Consider using some of our many self-care tips before bed to help you fall asleep and rest better.  

• Mind your exercise and nutrition.

When we go through a breakup, we tend to reach for items of comfort, and foods like ice cream, chocolate and fast food aren’t necessarily friendly on the caloric scale. Your exercise and nutrition can be one of the first things you stop worrying about after a breakup, but this is when they are more important than ever. By maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise, you not only protect your physical health but your mental health, too. In addition to that, a healthy lifestyle can also improve your sleep health.

• Sleep aids

There are several types of non-addictive sleep aids that you can use for improved sleep.

1. Melatonin

This is a natural hormone produced by your body that tells your brain when it is time to rest. You can naturally increase levels through a melatonin supplement, which can work as a sleeping aid to help you sleep better. It has also been proven to improve the quality and duration of daytime sleep.

1. Lavender

Lavender can be used in several forms to improve your sleep. You can use it as an oil to put on your pillow, or you can choose a lavender tea to sip on before bed. It has been shown not only to help you fall asleep, but also stay asleep longer with improved sleep quality.

1. Magnesium

Magnesium is a natural mineral that has been shown to help improve both brain function and heart health. It can also help quiet errant thoughts and relax your body, so you can fall asleep easier. Studies show that when you do not have enough magnesium in your body, you are at a higher risk for insomnia.  

1. Valerian root

This natural herb can help several different issues, such as anxiety, depression and menopause. You can use this herbal supplement to help improve the quality of sleep. Scientists continue to study the long-term effects, but it has been successful in helping many with insomnia.

• Journaling

Journaling before bed can be an extremely therapeutic way to record your thoughts and clear your brain before bed. It allows you a private place where you can safely express your thoughts about your breakup without fear of reprisal or judgment. Journaling is a fantastic way to purge your thoughts in a healthy way, so they do not interfere with your sleep. Some people actually find it very therapeutic to write a breakup letter but never send it, using the experience as an outlet to say all the things they wished that they had the opportunity to say.

• Reclaiming your space

After sharing a space with someone for so long, it can be very difficult to suddenly find yourself sleeping alone. The bed can feel too big, too cold, and too crowded from memories long past. Use this opportunity as a chance to redecorate and make your bedroom your own. Buy new bedding, or splurge on an all-new bed altogether! Some of the best mattresses can improve your sleep without breaking the bank.  

With a little creativity, you can turn your heartbreak into a celebration of self.

Bottom Line

There is no denying that the pain of heartache is very real. It can prevent you from finding the sleep that you so desperately need to heal from such a significant loss. Your body’s natural circadian rhythm can fall off course, and suddenly, you can find yourself battling insomnia while you also struggle to mend a broken heart.

“When you’re suffering from a broken heart, it can be very difficult to quiet down your mind, shut it down and get some rest,” says Ronald A. Alexander.

Sleep is an integral part of recovering from a heartbreak, but finding rest can be hard when the mind and heart weigh so heavy from a recent loss. The most important part is to establish a regular routine with healthy habits that will reinforce rest and relaxation.

https://myslumberyard.com/blog/insomnia-during-a-breakup/
Lauren Thomas, Sleep Ninja

Stronger Than You Think

The end of the year is universally a time for reflection over how we have interacted with the different aspects of our lives. With as tumultuous and uncertain this year has represented, it may feel daunting to revisit how things may have unfolded. For most, it is been a year of finding new meaning of existing and navigating our way through life. For me, it has felt more like being surrounded by glass walls where I can see exactly where I want to go, but instead ramming my face into the barriers this year has inadvertently presented.

It is easier to recall all the ways our plans have unraveled as the year progressed. We could have been excited to seek adventure in relationships, partnerships and collaborations. Perhaps we were looking for new friendships to join in on our explorations or focused more on learning new truths about ourselves at the start of this year.

I would like to present an invitation to join me in navigating ways that we have cultivated strength this year. It may seem as though most of this time has been the antithesis of growth and progression, and yet that depends on how we define strength. Personally, just surviving the year and meeting the crucial responsibilities to stay afloat when the environment around us seems to be frantically unraveling, is something I would label as strength. Dr. Niemiec shared the following five examples of strengths we often overlook and take for granted.     

·         Character strengths are capacities for thinking, feeling, willing, and behaving. They reflect what is best in you and can be viewed as part of your positive identity. The 24 strengths (e.g., fairness, hope, kindness, leadership) in the widespread VIA Classification are the best examples of this type of strength.

·         Talents are strengths that are innate abilities, which typically have a strong biological loading, and may or may not be well-developed (e.g., intelligence, musical ability, athletic ability).

·         Skills are strengths that are specific proficiencies developed through training (e.g., learning a particular trade; computing skills; researching skills).

·         Interests are strengths that are areas or topics you are passionate about and driven to pursue, such as playing sports, engaging in particular hobbies, and working with arts or crafts.

·         Values are enduring beliefs, principles, or ideals that are of prime importance to you. Values reside in your thoughts and feelings, not behavior. E.g., your value for family, your value for hard work.

·         Learning styles are ideas or hypotheses about how people approach new material, e.g., you might be reflective in how you learn a particular subject, or you might be more interpersonal in your style because you want to receive new learnings through discussion rather than reading.

·         Resources are the one type of strength that is external. These are your external supports, such as social and spiritual connections, living in a safe neighborhood, and being part of a good family.

These five types of strengths have propelled us forward to navigate our way through times where it felt as though we are standing on shaky grounds. No matter how little, they are still strengths that have been sprinkled in all our behaviors throughout the year. Each action IS a testament to your strength. Even the detachment from the dumpster fire that this year has been for some, is an example of the innate trust that you will survive the next disappointing but not surprising setback that’s been thrown at us.

Growth of character happens during the most challenging of times. Whether it is managing your mental health to prevent spiraling into the darkest depths of what I lovingly call the “shit ditch”, or creating time to be outdoors or active in a way we haven’t made time for it before, or detaching from external negative stimuli (Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys), or allowing grace and compassion for ourselves when things do not unfold as expected or planned and finally, perhaps we have now been able to turn down the volume on self-judgment for external limitations on getting where we feel we “should” be by now. 

Some would say this is giving up or letting go of our standards; to me, it is being selective and distinguishing what is important and deserving of investing our emotional energy into. Being able to distinguish the values that require this energy is a strength. Owning where we are when it is not where you want to be is very uncomfortable. We tend to become a harsh judge of our stagnation or the time it is taking get to the end point.

Know that there is not going to be an end goal in becoming. We continue to grow and evolve with a shift in perception with every new experience or goal. Accept and enjoy each day from a moment to moment basis. By being mindful of the various moments that constitute an entire day, we are then able to see the full range in the reel of pictures. 

Not all of the moments will be breathtaking, just as not all of the experiences will be heartbreaking. In this focus of even the smallest of moments, we can start to give attention and energy into the steady, simple joys we find. It is learning to love every new transformation in our becoming that makes existing beautiful.

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.

Personifying Your Struggles- My Lady In Black

One of the greatest things that I am able to teach is awareness. The ability to pay attention to our state of being as well as asking yourself, why am I feeling this way, what’s going on within me? We lead a life that’s so on the go, and there are times when the last thing we pay attention to is what’s happening to our bodies.

Last night, I did a meditative exercise and at the end of it I was able to realize how tense I was, how high my shoulders were. The funny thing is that I just had a massage 2 days ago, so something has happened in the past few days that I am carrying that causes the area to feel heavy and full of burden. It wasn’t until I took the time to do the meditation for me to realize how bad it had gotten in just 2 days.

Sometimes I have friends or clients tell me that they have a migraine and don’t know why, not sleeping well at all, or have moments where they can’t regulate their breathing but have a difficult time articulating the why.

Awareness is recognizing how our bodies tell us that something is wrong, even when everything seems completely normal. Awareness is also seeing that our fears/depression/anxiety/stagnation is also trying to tell us something.

Take depression or a depressive episode as an example. There is a misconception that people who are depressed are sad, cry all the time, have a hard time getting out of bed, and are incapable of following through with their responsibilities. Well, as the poster child for depression, I can tell you that’s not always the case.  

I, among other men and women that struggle with depression, often have a more atypical presentation of the symptoms and how they manifest. Ours is more “let’s see how much we can overcompensate for the feelings of depression by going a thousand miles an hour” so that we don’t have to stop. Because when we stop, we realize that something is missing, something is wrong, we don’t feel whole.

Obviously, this is a very generalist explanation of a depressive episode, however, I have learned in studying and working with depression that we have these themes of our struggles that go across our lives. Whether it’s not feeling good enough, something isn’t right, no matter how hard we try we just can’t seem to get “it”.

What is the “it” though?

It could be happiness, connectivity, companionship, success… it is different for everyone. It is these individual themes that usually trigger these depressive episodes.

I really want to focus on acceptance. Accepting that this is a part of who we are; a part of our struggle is something that we will carry with us. It’s not something to “get over with”, “get rid of” or to “focus it on something else”.

For someone that struggles with mental illness, especially depression, it is not something that we can wish away. There’s not a magic pill you can take to eliminate the source of why we experience this, it is part of a process of adjustment. There are steps that we take to adjust and recognize that there will be moments where the feeling comes back.

For me, unfortunately, depression is something that I’ve struggled with for my entire life and it’s something that I will have to continue working with for the rest of my life. The more that I work with what happens, the more that I’m aware of the symptoms and what the triggers are of these depressive episodes, the better I will be able to deal/cope with it. Over time the goal is to heal from it so the intensity of the experience regarding these thoughts/feelings will not be as strong.

The power comes from having the ability to recognize what’s happening, so we can have the power to address it.

It really is no different from any other medical conditions. If you take blood sugar for example, someone who struggles with hypoglycemia or low blood sugar. Once they get to a point where they can recognize signs that their sugar is crashing, they have tools at their disposal to take care of it and then work to it back to normal. We take symptoms and find solutions for physical health, it’s really no different for mental health.

We have to be able to recognize what sets us off, how it feels, where in our physical body this emotion lives, recognize that it’s coming and do what we need to do to fight through it. Sometimes it’s like “okay, I see you, I’m acknowledging that you’re there and I’m going to exercise, play music, eat delicious food, surround myself with people that are positive, uplifting, and supportive. And I’m going to make time to sleep more, and exercise to take care of myself.

There are other times that I just can’t.

Motivation is a slippery little bugger. Most times, this powerful drive to do what is needed is not coming. It is rare for that spark of inspiration, the internal dialogue to reflect, “I’m going to go work out and I’m going to feel better” especially if you hate running, like I do. I don’t feel excited to come to the office early in the morning and get my insurance billed. I don’t often feel driven to go clean up the dishes and make the house spotless. Especially if I’m struggling.

Motivation is not something that just happens, so one of the things that I tell my clients is that you have to just do it. It gets done because it needs to get done. You have to show up for yourself the way you show up for everything else that’s important in your life, because guess what? You matter.

That is probably the hardest thing to do, the hardest thing to recognize and believe, especially when you’re trapped in another depressive state. So, what to do?

I want you to sit back, and to personify this state of depression. Sounds crazy, I get it. But I want you to give it a name, an identity, an image. For me, depression is an elderly woman in mourning, a fashionista by the way, because everything I imagine typically is hahahah. She has a veil over her face, and she comes to visit from time to time.

So, whenever I do recognize that she’s come for another visit, I give her my attention to ask her why she here. What is she trying to tell me this time? The purpose is to go deeper in meaning with what led to this encounter again. Sometimes healing comes from just that. To be able to see a facet of yourself that you may not have been aware of, that was triggered or missing somehow.

My latest adventure with this “Victoria Grayson-esk woman”, was a few weeks ago. I felt rundown, so my body feels rundown. I felt like I’m catching something; feverish even though I don’t have a fever. I’m not sick, but this is a manifestation of this physical sense of being depleted. I’m just done. I don’t have a lot of energy for myself after a full day of the babies, work, managing the practice, homework, playtime, and then they are in bed, and I am just exhausted.

This is a different kind of exhaustion. I recognize that it’s when I don’t want to stay up after the babies go to sleep and read or catch up on my shows. It’s usually my “me time”, and I look forward to this experience. In recognizing that I don’t want to do these things, is when I realize something is off. On top of that, I watched the live action Beauty and the Beast, and I was SOBBING. My poor babies were like “mommy, it’s okay, he didn’t die.” Why am I sobbing?

A depressive episode has come knocking again, and I needed to sit down with her and ask, “okay what is it?”. My life is on point right now, my kids and I are in a great place, we are having fun together, I was able to hang out with some of my friends and catch up on girl time. I was dating someone. My family was healthy. So, what was it?

Then I realized the 2 things that my brain was picking up from Beauty and the Beast. First, my mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It was manageable and the best-case scenario in a horrible situation. But it was okay. Second, I was dating this guy, things were going fairly well, but what was the problem?

The trigger here is I had just started to have a good relationship with my mom (who is my stepmom) for the first time, about 2 years ago. We started to get close, and here I am watching this movie with the kids, and everything is handled, but the thought of the cancer and the whole situation was looming. Belle lost her mother and longed for her, and here I am- I finally have that mother and it’s all of a sudden being threatened.

So, there you go. Seems pretty extreme, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Subconsciously, it is a big deal. Once again, my body and emotions are responding to something that’s very deep-rooted, but when you looked at it from the surface everything was fine.

The second thing, Belle had just found love. Well here I am, longing for a kind of relationship with a partner that I wonder if it even exists. A place where my heart is full, and my soul is understood. Same thing with Belle! I can’t believe I was feeling all of this from a Disney movie, hahahah, but I was relating to the character and how she was feeling.

It was kind of all in my face… Well, hello there woman in black! Knocking on my door yet again out of nowhere. So, this is what my depressive episode is trying to say. It’s not something that came out from nowhere, it is there for a reason.

There is no way that I would have been able to get through to all of that- the concept of how I’m really struggling with my mother’s illness, processing the abandonment of my birth mother, and how I am still holding out hope for a partner but perhaps losing faith in the kind of person I need is actually out there. I would have not been able to piece together this particular puzzle if I hadn’t sat down and taken time to try and understand what my woman in black was trying to tell me.  

This is my challenge for you. If you are faced with emotions that are more intense than usual, try to see what’s going on. Try to personify the experience and ask it what is going on? What are you here to teach me? Then maybe you can get a better understanding of yourself.