Finding Confidence In Who You Are

Who I am today and the woman you experience me to be, is not the woman I was 6 years ago. There are things I can say and do that I would not have the courage to do years ago. The adventures I have partaken in, the experiences I have said yes to, or even the boundaries I have set for myself are as foreign to me now if I had been told 6 years ago that this is who I would become.

I would not have thought I would ever wear a rose gold, fully bejeweled floor length gown to perform an extravagant waltz in front of 100 people. Nor would I have ever contemplated allowing myself to celebrate with such extravagance for Bollywood night AND be dressed in a traditional two-piece lehenga that had a bare midriff, which was MAGENTA, and showing my tattoos in front of my very conservative family members!

I would not have accepted the invitation to stand in front of 300 people and speak on advocacy where my passion on the topic was palpable.  6 years ago, I was fearful of sharing my views and thoughts to share publicly and have it published; forget having the confidence that my work would be sought after by multiple publishing houses. I would have been hesitant and avoidant in accepting opportunities to speak on podcasts and on TV shows as an expert.

I also would not have made a disgusted face directly at a perpetrator and walked directly to the store security in order to report the pervert who chose to expose himself to me while shopping at Marshall’s.

There is a stark difference in the energy you experience in my presence now than what you would have 6 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been the same person at my core. So, what is the drastic change? I have always been empathic and kind. I was intuitive; however, I did not trust my own intuition. I would be the container for my clients, friends, children, and partners emotions/ experiences- yet I would not set boundaries or point out what I am perceiving and speak on my intuition until I had an exuberant amount of evidence to prove my point.

I have always been feminine in my choices of clothing and how I expressed myself outwardly, and yet, I was petrified at the notion of being seen. I was not comfortable with being noticed or gaining attention and therefore, I limited my choices in fashion to avoid being called flamboyant.

I have always been the advocate for those around me, yet, I would have allowed the disrespect or trauma I experience to be dismissed as being “not that bad” or “I am strong enough to handle it without causing a scene” instead of fighting for myself too.

Some people call this transformation confidence. I will tell you that is not the case. Confidence is a by product of what the shift truly was…. ACCEPTANCE.

I learned to accept that these are aspects of myself that are different from everyone else. I have learned to accept the weirdness, the intensity, the rebellious energy, the determined spirit. All the elements of my being that was criticized by others that I had learned to dim down and neglect- I am no longer willing to hide who I am. I will swim in it until my fingers get all prun-ie and those who gravitate towards that will find me and stay. Those who do not understand or appreciate these qualities are just not meant to be a part of my tribe. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that is perfectly OKAY. I have every right to be unapologetically me as long as it is not causing harm to anyone else. I am ME in all my creative, flamboyant, intense, loving, strange, fierce, and dysfunctional self.

Here are a few affirmations that have helped me stay on course of revealing myself to me and learning to accept those attributes for what they were without judgement. You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you.

·         You cannot grow in an environment that steals nurturing energy.

·         You cannot evolve in an environment that stifles your transformations.

·         Awareness without behavioral change is bullsh*t.

·         Boundaries without consequence is a waste of breath.

·         The intent doesn’t erase the impact.

 Which affirmations have or could potentially be helpful in helping you accept you as you are?

The Book of Regrets

We are told that we have our whole lives to look forward to, we are the masters of our existence and have the power to change our circumstances and embrace all of the infinite possibilities of how our futures can unfold. I am one of those people that preach exactly that and yet, we often fail to acknowledge the fear of uncertainty that holds us back. This uncertainty is a mirror to what is written in our book of regrets. All the ways we have failed ourselves and how the world has failed us, written in our subconscious as a gentle or rather violent reminder of why it is easier and safer not to take that leap of faith.  

The Book of Regrets- the one force strong enough to keep us feeling stuck and unable to move forward.

I am overcome with emotion knowing that my heart was at war with my mind (Again). At this point in my life’s journey, I know who I am and what matters to me. I feel tattered at this moment because my values have been violated and not only that, but what I valued most in this relationship has now come under scrutiny. Who can possibly be a harsher judge than the voice inside of me.

How am I supposed to make amends within me when I am forced to face the inevitable loss that I must endure? For either I will betray myself in the process of accepting this situation or let go of the hope I had finally started to allow myself to feel in order to keep the status quo. I feel unsafe and my entire being is screaming that I am walking into a trap.  I have seen these signs before, and it warns of a story known to so many and even in my own narrative that I do not want to read again.

When faced with a situation of cognitive dissonance, where the mind will not make peace with the heart, we can become trapped in a ceaseless mind cramp- something that is uncomfortable to bear yet too strong to avoid. We wish to overcome and move on, but the thoughts and opposing feelings linger and steals our sense of stability. In detangling the web of doubt created by these dissenting forces, we are able to find an incredibly unique truth about who we are that perhaps we had forgotten or that we have not quite learned just yet.

 Identify the primary emotion or perspective in that specific situation- for me, it was fear of loss. This loss defined so many things. I would lose respect for myself, I would lose the other person, and I would lose all the growth I fought relentlessly to achieve.

Think a bit further into it and try to identify what that would mean- the secondary perspective.

This fear would validate that I am not worthy of being treated with dignity and respect. I can hope all I want to believe in a secure future with a partner and it will always result in me not being good enough and there will always be another allure. The loss in staying would be sacrificing the strength in my sense of self that I have built as a woman, mother, friend, partner, author, therapist, or entrepreneur because I am betraying my own beliefs of what it takes to be me. This fear also confirms that the love, acceptance, and belonging I had hoped to find, is ultimately a mirage.

My book of regrets will go from being a novel to a tome no matter which choice I make.

It is crucial in these moments to understand the “why” behind our fears, otherwise we will continue to swim in them without getting anywhere until we are close to drowning. The “why” holds the key to understanding who we are in order to identify what created these fears and what value are we trying to uphold that is being threatened.  By identifying these values, we will separate ourselves from the grips of the reactive/ survival emotions of the amygdala (inner goat brain) to the working thought processes of the prefrontal cortex (somewhat self-regulatory and reasonable brain).  

Our values stemming from the life we have lived and the life we are wanting to create is at the heart of our sense of self. How do we prevent the loss of our identity? BOUNDARIES. An effective way of setting and communicating boundaries is to have a rundown of the emotions (fear), the reason behind the emotions (need) how and what felt violated (values) and finally the expectation of a behavior going forward (boundaries).

Emotions are a mirror of our needs which are an extension of our values. If the fear is loss, the need is to have someone to belong to which makes the value to be accepted. Often times, the intensity of the need overrides the boundaries that should be in place because the need is stronger than the rational reasons to have standards. However strong that need may be, ask yourself if losing your identity is worth any benefit that could possibly be there at that time. The answer may be yes for that moment, so think long term. As you lose your identity, you lose touch with your sense of self which is like losing your center of gravity. You will inevitably find yourself free falling and untethered to anything that could make you feel grounded.

The only person that can give you a sense of stability and security is YOU. As much as it pains you now to face these fears, know that it is taking you one step closer to the life you do want. One that reflects your needs and values so that those existing within your world, can be there effortlessly. You will work, grow, learn, and laugh together. There will be shared experiences and shared understandings where you will not have to fight to be heard, seen, or accepted. There will be a simplicity in existing so all of your energies can go towards undiscovered adventures enveloped in love. For in honoring and loving yourself, you can then create a world to give AND have the same efforts given back to you.  

Embracing Your Glorious Mess

Who are you in the vast sea of all the characters we play in this life? Do you respect, appreciate, protect, vouch for, and accept who you are in all that makes you uniquely you? Self-love comes from experiencing love, and also having trust in the protection and safety that was present in your early childhood. Along with that security that you are loved and cared for, there has to be the element of acceptance- Acceptance to be who you are at all times without consequence.  Without the acceptance to be you, it is difficult to cultivate a sense of belonging and subconscious love of who you are and what you have to offer. We often confuse the loving behaviors from your family with the acceptance of who we are as a person.

Part of understanding and learning to love yourself is to detangle the experiences we have had with the messages we have received. Most people in the beginning will share that they had a happy childhood with the support of their loved ones. I had a friend say a similar thing to me yesterday as we were catching up and sharing stories of past relationships.

She mentioned that her family had always been there for her and still when she would go to school, she would feel unwanted and like she did not fit in. She shared that her comfort and solace from the outside world was her home, in her parent’s arms. When asked if she was always allowed to speak her truth on her own perceptions and follow her own path on what she desired, even as a child, she realized that it was not always the case. She shared with me that her mother would often criticize her efforts as it reflected in her studies, even though she eventually graduated as the valedictorian of her class. As she further reflected on this new paradigm, she realized other examples where she would wait to see her mother’s reaction to a certain style of clothing while at a department store before she would give her opinion. 

With this ingrained need to please her parents in order to validate her opinion or worth, it would then make sense that this behavior pattern would continue in her relationships outside of the home. Other’s opinions and impressions would slowly start to override her own to where her confidence in what she has to offer independent of another’s value judgement, would slowly disappear.

Now, being faced with this realization from a friend, not a gentle therapist (not that I am one of those either ahhahah), could incite a negative, immediate reaction. A need to defend oneself, one’s parents, or even to bite back on the person causing this discomfort. Makes total sense and that would be our ego at play.

My ego has a strong bite. She rears up, claws out, ready to pounce on whatever comment has triggered a value that has just been violated. She is there to defend my self-worth; and yet, many of us, including myself, have spent a lifetime taming the protector of our inner self instead of acknowledging that she is to be heard as a signal to own our worth.  We shush, placate, or dismiss this inner voice in order to keep the peach or to not draw negative attention. We fight to maintain the acceptance or love of the other person by keeping the peace but starting a war within ourselves.

The word ego has with it a negative connotation, however, there is a difference between how it manifests in a healthy way and letting it run wild with your insecurities. Recognizing the difference is crucial in learning to love yourself and overriding those past experiences that inscribed messages of inclusion and worth. Responding to someone with presence is quite different from reacting with attitude. Presence is embracing everyone in your warm glow of security and confidence, while attitude is an unconscious attempt to keep everyone at bay as a method of self-preservation in reaction to internal insecurities.

What would be the answer if I asked what you have to offer that is uniquely your own? If the immediate response were “nothing” or “I don’t know” it would be met with the raise of my left eyebrow, and a slight challenging tilt of my head as my gaze holds yours until you come up with an answer hahahaha.  Everyone has something unique to offer, starting with the experiences up to this particular point in life. Those experiences created a specific tint of color to the way you view the world and all that it stands for. There are instances where I see the interactions of other humans through bright colors that stand for understanding, courage, and hope while, (let us be real, for those who know me), the view is quite dark indeed. Both spectrums of my perception are based on personal experiences AND both end along with all the ones in the middle are valid and worthwhile.

Most of us grew up in an environment where we had to defend our right to exist and had a myriad of strings attached to our worth. The statements that governed our interactions such as keeping up with the jones, do not air your dirty laundry or be the best of everything if you want to be worth anything all influenced how we believed we should behave in order to be accepted or to belong. Most did not grow up in an environment where we were just accepted for being who we are- whether that was being pushed to get a certain type of grade to avoid punishment, follow a certain career path to bring honor to your family, believe in a particular religion, engage in certain hobbies, dress in a way to not draw negative attention, or present yourself in a way to prove you are worthy of being included with a certain group. The list of conditions goes on and on.

Conditional love is the root of all codependency. I will show you love/ acceptance if you do, be, think, or feel a certain way. Another manifestation of this is being so available for others needs and bending over backwards for them to show that they mean so much, with the hopes that “If I love you hard enough, eventually you will love me back this way too”. Setting healthy boundaries where you are not providing for their emotional/physical needs at the expense of your own is HARD. 

Rejecting and berating yourself because of your past behaviors will just keep you stuck. You have to think for yourself of how your morals are reflective of your values. The values are the compass that lets you drive your life. Let your values drive you instead of your ego. The key is learning to be strong enough to fight for you.  

Instead of saying I do not want to be codependent anymore, work rather on developing communication skills to challenge negative thoughts, or develop setting stronger boundaries. Acceptance of yourself has to be unconditional, but behaviors are based on conditions. Confusing right?! An example of this would be that I am a passionate person, so emotions are strong and bright with most occurrences. Just as my enthusiasm and joy is palpable, so is my anger and sadness. I cannot dilute one side and keep the other intact. That is who I am… but that does not mean that I get to behave in an aggressive and abusive manner when I am angry. Who we are as a person is not the same thing as how we behave.  

Start with showing compassion for where these early and often unintentional messages came from that formed how you feel about yourself. To acknowledge the correlation of the belief to the source (which is often our parents/ caregivers) is not the same as assigning blame. It is to understand how we came to be who we are now, so we can gradually work towards rewriting those messages. Through this process of untangling, you will be able to approach yourself with respect, admiration, appreciation, and curiosity. 

Is This What I Want? Authenticity vs. Conditioning

Relationships in any degree can be the most amazing experience in how we connect with one another with the meaning and importance they hold for us. In other words, we revel in the way they make us feel about ourselves and our place in the world. I have friends where the conversations do not need to be in full or complete sentences and they just get me and get what I am trying to say. We finish each other’s sentences and can even portray our message through charades, a look, or a crafty raise of the eyebrow. Seems magical and in these moments, all feels right with the world. Afterall, we humans do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created originally by our family and continued by the involvement with our social circle.

In a similar way to how we can be cognitively connected to our peers and ride the same mental wave, we often also are connected to them on an emotional level. When those we are around regularly (spouse, roommate, children, close friends, or coworkers) are feeling excited and having a fantastic day, those emotions can also rub off on us- and in the same contagious manner, those who are suffering emotionally can negatively impact our feelings as well. I have heard many people share that when their partner has a broken heart, they feel broken as well. As much as this could sound like love and empathy, it’s dangerously close to enmeshment- a relationship where there is not a clear differentiation between the people involved as individuals.

There are two elements in separating experiences- cognitive and relational. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness of what’s going on cognitively. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to relationally.

The main element in establishing a strong sense of our own identities is to learn how to identify our values and set boundaries to protect and uphold them. Boundaries establish appropriate roles, create physical and emotional space between individuals. Boundaries also create emotional safety in relationships. They reflect respect for everyone’s needs and feelings, they communicate clear expectations, and they establish what’s okay to do and what’s not.

Ideally, boundaries should allow for autonomy, respect for privacy, developing his/her own beliefs and values, and so forth. In healthy relationships, it is important to be emotionally independent – to be a separate entity, pursue their goals, and become the truest version themselves – not to become extensions of their parents/partners/friends (sharing their feelings, beliefs, values).

However, we tend to recreate the family dynamics that we grew up with because they’re familiar. That’s why we have years’ worth of re-enactments of the behavior patterns we learned and have been conditioned to follow. Some examples are saying yes when we really want to say no, neglecting our needs in order to meet another’s in order to maintain their approval/ affections, having a need to be competitive in our work environments which is more likely the need to prove our worth, having permeable work boundaries for when you are accessible, do whatever is necessary to avoid conflict and keep the peace, etc.

In order to break these generational patterns, we must learn to differentiate/individuate from those we feel we rely heavily on. Individuation is the process of separating yourself both physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and so forth. According to Dr. Firestone, “Differentiating from negative influences and identities from our past allows us to become who we truly are, rather than following a prescribed identity from either our family or our society. To the extent that we can develop and sustain our own unique identities and follow our own unique desires, we will be able to live truly fulfilling lives.”

Some manifestations of not having learned to be your own individual could look like:

• Not developing a strong sense of self; not being in touch with your feelings, interests, beliefs, etc.

• Approval-seeking and low self-worth

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety

• Not pursuing your passions

• Feeling burdened with inappropriate guilt for when you do something for yourself

• Absorbing responsibility for other people’s actions

• Having a hard time speaking up for yourself

• Codependent relationships

• Not learning to self-soothe, sit with difficult emotions, and calm yourself when you’re upset

• Feeling responsible for people who’ve mistreated you or who refuse to take responsibility for themselves

There may be times where we feel so stuck in these patterns and feel dejected at the understanding of how things outside of our control has written the narrative we now live. It is important to take the time to bow in gratitude for the past self that was there to protect who we were at that time. We behaved, loved, thought and reacted in a way because it was all that we knew how to at that time. Then recognize that it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. We can always choose to start course correcting and untangling our sense of self from the person we were conditioned to become- towards healthier behavior patterns of who we are wanting to be. It is a process and in my work with individuals, I emphasize the three steps to breaking patterns: Learning, Knowing and Owning.

Learning: Asking does this make sense in theory even when it doesn’t make sense in how to have it be translated in feeling or behavior. Creating a pathway in your brain from theory and example of behavior.

Knowing: Is when you have the emotional and physical connection to your mind and what has been taught. When your inner self feels that what you have learned is now in alignment with your truth. It instinctively it feels connected and correct. Or it is where instinctively that it doesn’t feel in alignment and it grinds against the desire to move forward with an action.

Owning: Merging the understanding of theory with the ability to identify how it is in line with our own personal beliefs, values and desires and then being able to start designing a plan to put into action.

The process of differentiation paves the pathway of becoming beautifully bare, and undeniably you. Only then can we begin to separate ourselves from the chains of the past and lead the most individualistic and meaningful lives possible. Imagine feeling the freedom to live in accordance with what we value, to find our own sense of purpose and to experience true pride in our endeavors. To be connected to others without fear of judgement, to exist as a human being without consequence of not living up to someone else’s expectation, and to experience acceptance and love for who we truly without the masks we have become so accustomed to wearing. It doesn’t have to be just a theory; it can absolutely become our reality.

*For more information on differentiation, read The Self Under Siege: A Therapeutic Model for Differentiation by Dr. Robert Firestone, Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett, which focuses on the process of differentiation and provides examples from their clinical practices and their 35-year observational study of a group of normal individuals, their families and their children. In the book, individuals share their personal stories and their experiences, as they progressed through these four tasks, and the authors share their perspective on the therapeutic development.

Are You A People Pleaser?

Untangling Beliefs Behind People Pleasing

The golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do for you… Globally we are taught this lesson as children in a way to instill empathy- a core value in the human condition. Put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel right? So in theory, other people you encounter should also be doing this for you… Is that how it always is though? Are all relationships reciprocal? Do you get back what you invest in the people around you to the same degree?

If the answer is yes, then take a moment and truly appreciate the rarity of these relationships and bask in gratitude as most people I have encountered, go years fostering relationships that are not reciprocal. Whether that be in emotional safety, which is the ability to be completely vulnerable without the fear of consequence or rejection, efforts in action and what they do to help us, in loyalty or in quality time.

Oftentimes we chastise ourselves for saying yes (once again) and not really saying no to what we do not want to do. We find pleasure and joy in helping others, especially those we love, which is typically the rationale in continuing to say yes. Even with this frustration, the cycle continues. Some would say it is difficulties in setting boundaries, and sure it is. However, that’s not all there is to it.

What keeps us stuck in these repetitive thought and behavior patterns are the messages we internalize of what it means if we were to say no.

Examples:

Behavior: She continues giving in to validate the narrative that she is lucky to have her boyfriend.

Belief: if I am not meeting their need 100% of the time, then I do not deserve to ask for them to meet my needs.

Behavior: Staying in an unbalanced relationship (in give and take) even when it is glaringly obvious or holding onto a loveless relationship because the benefits of your relationship with the other people in the family (children, extended family, or friend circle) .

Belief: The love I receive from his/her family or friends justifies what I am having to sacrifice for myself within the relationship.

Behavior: Dropping everything to take care of a request of a loved one even at the expense of our own mental or physical health because they cannot do it for themselves right away.

Belief: If I do not set up this toy for my child, or pick up this item for my parents from the grocery store, they will feel that I am selfish and self-centered or they will feel that I do not love them. 

Behavior: Accepting the directives of those in authority or those who are elder.

Belief: Saying no to a request from an elder or a person of authority, even if I am uncomfortable, is disrespectful.

Sound familiar?

Regularly stepping in to meet the needs or requests of others could then turn into overcompensating- even when it is not asked of us.  We start to anticipate what they MAY need that we can give to them to show that they matter. The concern there is the exhaustion that comes from the effort of meeting their needs- while neglecting our own. It’s not just the energy of giving and showing up, but also the mental energy of preparing for it without also giving the same to ourselves. In meeting everyone else’s need to be able to show them love, we lose touch of who we are as well as an understanding of our needs and values.

Just stop doing it right? Ha! Wouldn’t that just make everything so much easier? To break this pattern of saying yes, feeling frustrated, feeling guilty and then doing it anyways, we have to first understand what we are compelled to act these out.

The most basic form of decision making is driven by either desire or fear. In analyzing which aspect we fall in, be aware of how desire is defined. For example, if the sentiment is that a particular choice is made for the desire to make someone proud, that is also saying that the decision is made to avoid the consequence of disappointing this person and therefore is not actually driven by desire.

Sometimes it transcends one to the other. I was once terrified of not being able to truly help my clients and I would immerse myself into all kinds of trainings and books to acquire as much knowledge and skills possible.  Now, I have the same desire to learn, however it is now driven by my curiosity, and I totally geek out on all areas of the human condition as it is undoubtedly my passion. It is no longer driven by fear.

Ask yourself what specific element are you afraid of? What feels threatening about saying no to someone? What is the message behind setting a boundary that makes you feel uncomfortable? Usually, we avoid standing up for ourselves or shy away from speaking our truth because we are fearful of the consequence that we may face. These consequences may be losing the only source of support or losing the love in a partner that is the best that you have experienced from those that came before, or loss of connection and friendship, or losing the image of the future you have envisioned for yourself and this person.

Another consequence may also be the affirmation this boundary will make of your character-“Confrontation makes me feel as though I am not being considerate or kind”. Are you afraid of having difficult conversations? What role do we play in conversations and conflict? Do you push the issue away and avoid the conversation?

Are these fears true? As in, do they reflect reality, and is there evidence to support these claims? What have you asked for that you have not at one point also given? Does it make someone selfish to ask for a break or to be heard? If the answer is no, then why doesn’t it apply to us as well?

How do you define the needs for your engagement to become an authentic relationship? One that is reciprocal in nature and feels balanced? Most people just stop at needing the human connection without specifying authentic, healthy connections or trying to identify what that would actually look like. In exploring how these needs manifest, we are able to then ask for them as well as be able to set a boundary for when the situation is not reflective of the values that define how you would like these relationships to transpire. Sharing your needs with another person shows that you have a voice and in return, their acceptance of the boundaries set is a show of the respect they have for your voice.

The only way to establish the boundaries and needs to be met is if you are willing to also establish a consequence for that boundary is violated. We can understand the why and the how AND at some point, we have to take action to move past the “why is this happening” to the “what steps do I need to take to make a change now” stage.

Examples of consequences to boundaries that are violated could be:

-Calling people out when feelings are hurt and defining the behavior as being rude, disrespectful, or unnecessary. In sharing the behavior that was hurtful, the reason behind the hurt and the values that are violated, it helps to bring awareness to the significance of their actions. Most would respect the intricacies of why it was hurtful and work to never make the same mistake twice. Those who do not show understanding or acceptance of the explanation should be reconsidered in the importance they hold in your life as they are not holding you in that same regard. 

-Cutting off access to you and your emotional investment in them. Whether it is removing yourself from the situation for a bit, not engaging in the conversation or an end to the relationship.

It is important to show that there is an emotional and psychological consequence to how people speak or behave towards us.

Not standing up for yourself or saying no is often associated with low self-worth or self-esteem, and there are many reading this article who could say that they do not struggle with either. It is important to also understand that in other words, putting someone else’s worth above our own is the same as having not seeing yourself as worthy as that person. Confidence is a characteristic that most people yearn for. What is commonly misunderstood is that confidence is not something to attain, it is the byproduct of many other aspects that eventually align in ourselves. Being able to identify our values and needs, effectively communicating those needs and setting boundaries and finally establishing and implementing consequences to when those boundaries are violated are among the skills that eventually lead to a string sense of self and being self-assured/ confident.  

If you are always relying on the validation of other people to define you, your worth will always be dependent on the narrative they write for you. This shift in thinking comes when we are able to take the attention off of the importance of seeking approval and validation from others to instead making sure the actions, we are partaking in are in alignment with the person we are or who we are wanting to become. 

Sleep and Grief

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss. It is felt profoundly, yet differently, by everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a journey that we are forced to undertake when we lose someone we care about. Understanding grief, however, doesn’t make it any less difficult or painful. 

Grief is felt on an emotional level, but also on a physical level. Your heart can literally ache. A memory can cause your stomach to lurch. A photograph can make tears well in your eyes. Some nights, your mind races so fast that you cannot sleep. Other times you feel you could sleep all day. 

“If we let the despair set in, all aspects of life, including our sleep, will be negatively impacted. We will either have a hard time falling asleep or sleep excessively to escape reality,” said Dr. J. Salim, a dentist with Sutton Place Dental Associates in New York specializing in sleep apnea. “The net effect of these two possibilities is anxiety, lethargy, fatigue, loss of productivity, despair, hopelessness, compromises health, weight gain, and loss of will and motivation to advance in life.”

The truth is, insomnia and hypersomnia (excessive sleepiness or drowsiness) are not an uncommon symptom of grieving. And they can make the pain and anguish of grief worse. But there are things you can do to help you get the rest you need. And, in time, the intensity of your grief should become more manageable.  

Causes of Grief

Grief is the result of loss that is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But there are other causes of grief:

• Loss of a loved one through relationship breakup or divorce.

• Personal loss of one’s own abilities, health, or well-being due to illness or injury.

• Loss of a job, financial security, or social status.

• The physical absence of someone whose fate is unknown, such as in the case of a kidnapped or missing children or lost soldiers.

• The psychological loss of someone who is physically present but mentally absent, such as a loved one with dementia.

• Disenfranchised losses, such as the loss of a pregnancy, pet, home, etc.

The Stages of Grief

Grief is the response to loss. Bereavement is the profound absence felt when someone you love is gone. Both are common reactions when someone you love dies. These feelings gradually ease, but for some people, these emotions are debilitating and don’t improve in time. It becomes difficult to get on with your life. This is a condition known as complicated grief, and it often requires professional help to work through emotions so that you can learn to cope.  

You may have heard about the Five Stages of Grief – the Kübler-Ross model that breaks grieving into five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was written by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in 1969 in her book “On Death & Dying.” For decades, the Five Stages of Grief have served as a guide for people as they work through their grief. The stages aren’t necessarily linear. Some people experience all steps in order while others may experience them in a different order. Yet others may only feel a few of the emotions. Let’s take a closer look at the five stages: 

1. Denial: Disbelief in diagnosis or death.

2. Anger: When it is understood that denial cannot continue, anger and frustration can set in.

3. Bargaining: The hope of believing that the cause of grief can be avoided through negotiation.

4. Depression: Deep sorrow over the loss.

5. Acceptance: Realization that everything will be OK.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that grief ends. You will always mourn your loved one. But, in time, the pain should become more manageable.

The Connection between Grief and Sleep

During bereavement, we can experience a range of reactions. The pain of loss can be emotional and physical — your heart and body can actually ache. This alone can cause problems with sleep. But, combined with the emotional reactions — like sadness, loneliness, and anxiety — those who are grieving can either experience sleepless nights or seek escape in sleeping more.

For people with complicated grief, the risk for sleep disturbances appears to be greater as the condition is often accompanied by depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

A Rice University and Northwestern University study published in Psychosomatic Medicine found that people who recently lost a spouse were more likely to have disrupted sleep and that this fragmented sleep caused an increase in inflammation in their bodies two to three times higher than those who were not bereaved. If sleep did not improve, the researchers surmised, these widows and widowers could experience long-term inflammation, putting them at increased risk for cardiovascular disease.  

“One of the biggest ways grief and sleep is connected is through dreams,” says Rebecca Ogle, a licensed Clinical Social Worker and therapist with Grounded Counseling in Chicago, Illinois. “Many grieving folks dream about their loved ones. If the dreams are upsetting this may cause them to dread sleeping and have trouble falling asleep.”

Others may oversleep. “This is due, in part, to the simple fact that grief is emotionally exhausting,” she adds. Many people who are grieving feel they need to put on a “brave face” for others who are concerned for them or in order to return to work. Yet, “internally they are miserable,” she says. “Not only is keeping up with this tiring, it can also lead to feelings of isolation, which leads to people spending time alone, which leads to lots of sleep.”

The Physical Symptoms of Grief

Licensed independent clinical social worker Howard Lunche, in his book, “Understanding Grief,” identified the symptoms of grief as being felt on several levels including physical, emotional, mental, social, behavioral, and spiritual. 

Physical

• Headaches

• Chest pain

• Stomach issues

• Aches and soreness

• Shortness of breath

Emotional

• Shock

• Numbness

• Sadness

• Anger

• Guilt

Mental

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Forgetfulness

• Denial

• Low motivation

Social

• Isolation from others

• Withdrawing from social activities

• Loss of friends

Behavioral

• Crying

• Searching for deceased

• Avoiding places that arouse grief

Spiritual

• Questioning God

• Wondering where your loved one is

• Hearing or sensing the deceased is near

Lack of Sleep

• Insomnia — Symptoms of insomnia include difficulty falling asleep or awakening at night and having difficulty falling back to sleep. Insomnia is not uncommon after someone goes through the stress and trauma of losing a loved one.

• Physical pains from grief — The pain from grief is not only emotional, it can be physical as well. You become more aware of physical sensations like pain. Backaches, joint pain, headaches, and general stiffness and soreness are common side effects of grief. You may even feel a dull hollow in your gut.

Excess Sleep

• Hypersomnia — The overwhelming and constant exhaustion and sadness that accompanies grief can also cause excessive daytime sleepiness or oversleeping, a condition known as hypersomnia. This is a common symptom in people with depression. Hypersomnia symptoms include sleeping all day, taking a lot of naps during the day, going to bed early in the evening, or oversleeping in the morning.

• Depression (and its physical side effects) — Depression is a common symptom among those who are mourning the loss of a loved one. People who are depressed can experience significant weight gain or weight loss, psychomotor agitation, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, inability to concentrate, marked loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, and insomnia or hypersomnia.

Understanding different types of grief 

Loss of a spouse

Whether you’ve been married a few years or several decades, losing your life partner is devastating. You may feel shocked or numb. You may experience survivor’s guilt for being the one who survived. You may even get mad at your deceased spouse for leaving you. All these emotions are normal as you work through your grief. A huge void has entered your life and you may feel lonely, scared, or anxious suddenly without your spouse. This is the time to take extra care of yourself. Studies have shown that after losing a spouse, the surviving spouse is at a 48% greater risk of dying. 

Losing your life partner can be especially difficult at night. The empty space next to you in bed feels vast. It can be especially difficult falling asleep at night without your loved one. “If you’ve lost a partner, get a body pillow or let the dog sleep with you for a while,” suggests Dr. Brian Wind, a clinical psychologist and Chief Clinical Officer of Journey Pure. “You might also sleep on your partner’s side of the bed for a sense of closure.”

Loss of a parent

Regardless of your age or the closeness of your relationship, losing a parent is never easy. Your mother and father brought you into this world. Losing one or both can feel as if the anchor to your identity has been cut and you’re left adrift in the world without them. Studies have found that we identify the loss of a father and mother differently. The death of a father is like a loss of personal mastery. Fathers instilled in us the strategies and tools to help us live and work. Losing a mother, however, is felt on a more visceral level because of the nurturing role they played in our lives when we were young. 

At night, you may find yourself lying in bed unable to sleep because your mind is flooded with thoughts. You may feel guilty for not spending more time with them, or grieve not having a better relationship with them. You may worry that you didn’t live up to their expectations. To calm a racing mind so you can sleep better, Dr. Wind suggests “incorporate breathing exercises, meditation, or yoga into your pre-sleeping routine.” Seeing a therapist can also help you process those hurtful thoughts and emotions.

Loss of a child 

Parents are supposed to outlive their children. Whether they are a toddler, teenager, or adult, when a child’s life is cut short, we are left grappling for understanding. The physical and emotional pain may be especially overwhelming if the death was sudden or unexpected. But even if death follows a lengthy and painful illness, there is little peace in losing a child. As parents, we are responsible for nurturing our children. When they die, you may feel as if you failed them. You may also feel as if you have lost a part of yourself because, quite literally, you have. 

The pain of losing a child can be so overwhelming, it may be difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You may want to sleep the rest of your life away. “Most times, sleep is preferred instead of dealing with the devastation,” says Dr. Reneé Sunday, an anesthesiologist and motivational speaker.

Losing a child is a traumatic experience, and you may need professional help getting through it. Studies show that parents who do not work through their grief are at an increased risk for long-term mental and physical health consequences. A study published in JAMA found that therapy that resembles treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) was 25% more effective at helping people manage their grief than traditional therapy. 

Loss due to suicide

Losing a loved one to suicide is a shocking and heart-wrenching experience. You may be struggling with guilt, anger, or confusion. You might ask yourself: “Could I have done something to prevent it?” Not only will you experience the physical and emotional symptoms of grief, you may also feel isolated. Many people have a difficult time talking about suicide and may not reach out to you because they don’t know what to say.

Guilt can wake you up at night, and painful thoughts of “what if” or “why” can keep you from falling back to sleep. You may even have thoughts of suicide. This is not unusual or uncommon. However, having these thoughts does not mean you will act on them. Keep asking yourself questions until you no longer need to ask, suggests the nonprofit SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education). Consider attending a support group for families who have been affected by suicide. Talking with others who know your pain can help you process your emotions. In time, you will be able to work through your anxious thoughts and get a good night’s sleep.

Loss of a pet

For many of us, pets are more than animals. They are beloved family members who fill our lives with joy and companionship. When a pet dies, the sense of loss you feel can be similar to losing a loved one. Some people may not understand your level of grief over a pet. They might tell you it’s time to “move on,” or that you’ll feel better if you get another pet. It’s not always that easy. 

If your pet slept in your bedroom or in your bed, you will sense their absence at night. Even if your pet slept in a crate or cage, you can still feel the void knowing they are not in your home. The absence can make it difficult to fall asleep. “It may help to sleep with a stuffed animal, article of clothing, or even a photo that reminds you of them,” Ogle says. And actively do things to heal your heart, like reaching out to others who have lost pets, holding a funeral, or ceremoniously scattering your pet’s ashes. Also, take care of yourself. Because in grief you are at greater risk for accidents, illnesses, and general aches and pains

Loss due to COVID-19

COVID-19 has created angst for many of us. But losing a loved one during a global pandemic can be devastating, especially if you were unable to say goodbye to your loved one in person due to efforts to stop the spread of the virus. You may have been faced with the decision to take your loved one off life support, a particularly difficult experience to reason with if your loved one was healthy before contracting the virus. 

You may lie awake at night, searching for understanding. Or wake in the night consumed with grief, anger, or anxiety. It is normal to feel overwhelmed with emotion, especially since social distancing can make it challenging to receive hugs of comfort from others. Find your own comfort by making your bedroom into a sanctuary, Dr. Wind says. “Make sure your bedroom is dark and at a cool temperature for sleeping,” and that your mattress and bedding are comfortable and supportive. As you work through your grief, sleep will come easier.

Sleep Tips for Grieving

Grieving isn’t a “one size fits all” process. Everyone grieves differently. And you cannot compare your mourning with another’s because it won’t necessarily look the same. Some of us cry, look sad and withdraw from others. Some of us grieve in private while trying to convince others we are fine. Still, some of us cope by staying busy, afraid if we slow down, we will have to face the pain of our loss. Many of us, however, suffer from sleep disturbances following the loss of a loved one. But there are things you can do to help you get a better night’s sleep:

Sleep hygiene and routine

• Sleeping/bedroom environment — Your bedroom should be a sanctuary only for sleep and sex. Use blackout curtains to block out light, set the thermostat at a cool but comfortable temperature, use a sound machine to block out noise and lull you to sleep.

• New mattress and bedding — Old, sagging mattresses can impede your best efforts to sleep. Consider a new memory foam, latex, or hybrid mattress that offers comfort and support. New mattresses also offer performance factors that traditional innerspring beds don’t like pressure point relief and spinal alignment to help reduce aches and pains.

• Exercise at appropriate times — Exercise is a great way to burn off stress and anxiety and to prepare your body for sleep. But don’t do any strenuous exercise within three hours of bedtime. Exercise releases endorphins, the “feel-good” chemical, that can overstimulate you and keep you from sleeping.

• Avoiding alcohol/drugs/stimulants before bed — Alcohol can make you sleepy, which may seem ideal when you have trouble sleeping. But too much alcohol too close to bedtime can make you wake up during the night and have trouble falling back to sleep. Coffee and caffeinated drinks are stimulating and if consumed too close to bedtime can keep you from falling asleep.

• Blue light exposure before bed — It may be tempting to look at your phone or watch TV to help you fall asleep at night. But these devices emit blue light, which blocks the body’s natural sleep hormone, melatonin, and thus interferes with your ability to fall asleep.

• Room temperature — A room that is too hot or too cold can make sleep downright uncomfortable. For most people a temperature between 65 and 72 degrees is ideal for sleep.

• Sleep schedule — Maintain a regular bedtime and wake up time can keep your circadian rhythm in check. The circadian rhythm is the body’s internal 24-hour clock that governs your sleep-wake cycle.

Relaxation techniques

• Meditation — Taking time to practice mindfulness or focus your mind on a particular thought or object can help clear your mind and reduce stress, and can ultimately help you sleep better. Meditation apps are a great resource for this.

• Breathing exercises — Breathing can be a powerful tool for reducing anxiety and can help you wind down before bedtime. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths, breathing in and out through the nose, allowing your belly to fill with air.

• Acupressure — Acupressure is based on the same traditional Chinese medicine principles as acupuncture to relieve stress, but it uses pressure instead of needles on certain points on the body. You can do acupressure on yourself by simply applying pressure with your fingers to the same points targeted by acupuncture.

Seek help

Grief is a deeply personal experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Talk to a trusted friend, a family member, or seek out support groups where you can share with others who have experienced similar pains. If you are having an especially difficult time with your grief and time doesn’t seem to heal your wound, talk with a therapist or psychologist specialized in grief counseling.

Final Thoughts 

Grief is a natural and normal response to loss that can lead to sleepless nights. Insomnia and hypersomnia are common side effects of grieving. Just as the intensity of your pain becomes more manageable in time, so should your sleep. And as your sleep improves, so will your ability to handle your grief. 

If you need additional help, call the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). 

Charlotte Spence

Certified Sleep Science Coach

https://www.mattressnerd.com/sleep-and-grief/

Finding Passion Amidst the Struggle

This year has taught us collectively the power we hold to be resilient. For some, it has been a time for self- awareness, focus on health and family, courage to face and challenge unhealthy behavior or relational patterns, and a chance to go inward and find what we truly hold dear. For others, (myself included) it has been more of a demented roller coaster of coping, balancing roles and responsibilities and overall trying to keep a hold of the already overflowing platter of expectations to just make it through the day.

No matter where you fall on this spectrum, affirm that what you are doing, and what you have to offer is enough.

This can be a goal, a talent, a creative pursuit, digital learning, parenting, or a career that you love. When your interests become "work," it can be easy to forget why you used to love it. The job to do (and the anxiety to do it well), can soon take the place of the passion.

The process of getting better at anything is strewn with mistakes. Errors are the best teachers because it shows which element of the effort did not work and what needs to be changed.  We lose sight of the point of the struggle when we don’t check in and remind ourselves of why we have chosen this path.

 If you feel stuck, depressed, or bored, what’s typically missing is passion. Sprinkle a bit of comparing yourself to others, who you think do it "better," you've got a perfect recipe for anxiety, apathy, or avoidance.  If your mind isn’t enjoying the object of its focus, then something needs to change.

Check in with yourself and ascertain if excitement for your passions feels blocked.

In order to reclaim your passion, remind yourself what initially made you passionate about this pursuit in the first place.

Why did you choose to go into the work you do? What did you like/love about the choice you made when you were just getting started? Has perfecting your talents become something that gives you more anxiety than joy? How has this effort of following through made your life more meaningful?

If the purposeful “work” is not fused with gratitude, joy, and excitement, it can soon feel like a daily grind.

Oftentimes we forget that we are worthy to rise again, and make life as joyful, healthy, and full as it can be. Self-judgment represents the thoughts, habits, and attitudes that keep your mind in stuck. Fear, hopelessness, avoidance, procrastination, self-limiting behaviors; these are all symptoms of the fear that we are not worthy to have or experience the beauty life can hold.

Push past self-limiting behaviors about your potential and worth. Breathe new life into projects and passions long thought dead. Perhaps you need to take a break from “work” whatever that looks like for you, and create or do something just for the love of it. Allow yourself to participate in something that reignites your interests. Seek out fascinating people who share in these passions and exchange ideas.

Are you sleepwalking through life just to get to the next phase? Sometimes, when things feel overwhelming, we shut down our intake of stimuli and detach from the emotional investment and cost of meeting these expectations and demands of our daily lives. Periodically we wake up to realize we’ve become entranced. A whole day or week or month has gone by without a sense of awareness, memory, or vitality. Procrastination is often a side effect of this, however, at its root is detachment. In order to become unstuck, you must be fully conscious about what is occurring at this time. Only by being awake, mindful, and alert can you choose to establish new conditions.

When there is a disconnect between the heart and the mind, we become untethered to the reality of what we are experiencing and fall into this sense of detachment. Many times, we fixate on the future or past because of fear of experiencing the moment. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort, fear of taking responsibility, fear of letting yourself or someone you love down.

Allow yourself to feel your real feelings, especially the neglected or difficult ones. You have your unique way of being you and what you bring to the table. Mindfully embrace your talents, abilities, and your worth. The people that you want to attract will love when you are confident in who you are with all the scars, quirks, and everything that makes you, you. You will attract other individuals who are comfortable in their own skin.

It can be encouraging to receive the validation of others, but never place yourself in a position of dependency on it. Love yourself, your spirit, your unique beauty, your talents, and your abilities without the need for validation. It doesn’t matter what others think if you are happy with what you are creating in every aspect of your life, whether that is in your hobbies, career, parenting plan, or relationships. Write your own happily ever after and know that with every chapter, there will be joy, strife, conflict, and triumph. You have survived up to now with powerful resilience, so it is only fitting to say that you will continue to not only survive, but I hope you will start to thrive.

So Loved, Yet So Alone

Here is the unfortunate truth. People will disappoint you. You will experience things that will change how you see the world forever. You’ll blame new lovers for what old ones did to you. You will lose people that you thought would walk with you forever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll love, and you’ll feel like a fool. Everyone has a past, including you and it’s all part of the package. This is who you are, and no one should want to change you.

Acceptance is a piece that I always focus on when it comes to the people I work with as well as those who come across my path personally. I have worked my entire existence to get to a point where I am accepted and valued for who I am and what I have to offer which is why it is a passion of mine to help others find the same.

Even with all the processing, healing and work, there comes a time when we feel completely alone. We know people love us, care for us, will do anything necessary to protect us- and still there is that lingering emptiness filling our senses as it seeps into the very thread of what makes us human.

If only just telling ourselves to snap out of it and recognize all the love there is around would be enough for the heaviness to subside. Often times we fall further into that sense of self-deprecating judgement when we are unable to relive the feelings just by counting our blessings.  

This past week has been especially challenging on this front for me. With the pandemic, my entire world has shifted into putting our health as my primary focus. I have rearranged my work schedule and social life to shelter my children and have them thrive from home.

All of that fell apart when the children came home from a weekend at their father’s with fevers. Anxiety bubbles under the surface along with the ever-present anger when I am unable to prevent hardships for these babies. The following day, my eldest son was complaining of stomach pains, diarrhea, and blood in his stool. Anxiety quickly morphs into panic as I scramble to find a pediatrician that can help us in between sessions.

I felt completely helpless. If I take one son to urgent care, who will watch the other? I cannot bring any friends over, or my parents because if it is COVID-19, we are all potentially contagious and I cannot expose my loved ones to that. If I take my youngest son with us, I am then exposing him to everything else that is floating around the urgent care. I cannot leave him home alone because he is too young, and I am not sure what the doctors would find and lastly, their father had already denied any accountability on how they became sick.  

I had never felt so utterly alone and powerless.

I am accustomed to being alone and having to handle my business on my own. I thrive on being “strong” and overcoming the odds. I have always felt that I was on my own when it came to problem-solving and balancing all areas of my life. I take pride in not needing another to be able to meet my needs.

Here was a time when I felt nearly broken under the pressures of having to choose between providing care for my children and protecting them. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want to be the person solely responsible for keeping our little world afloat.

Oscillating between wanting power and control over the course of our existence and not wanting to be strong anymore is common. We are not meant to go through life shouldering all the responsibilities alone.

How could we cope with it all when, as in this situation, there is absolutely no one to turn to for assistance?

The first step is to calm the screaming mind and the racing thoughts.

I was catastrophizing and spiraling with all the ways I was failing in this situation. I needed to get my thoughts organized in what I believed was the issue and how to correct the cognitive distortions. In order to do that, I had to ask myself the following questions:

1-      What specifically am I worried about (the first of the myriad of problems in this situation)

2-      How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of past experiences to support the answer.

3-      If my worry does come true, what’s the absolute worst that would happen?

4-      If my worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?

5-      If my worry does come true, what are the chances that I’ll be okay (or my kids in this situation)

The first obstacle to address here is what to do with my other son. By going through these answers, I was not only able to calm myself down and find a solution, I was also able to remind myself of the times when I have handled worse. Then, I was able to go through these questions with the remaining fears regarding this issue.

There are times when we feel completely and utterly alone even if there are those who genuinely care and support us. It is for this very reason that we need to learn to be confident in our own abilities and rely on the compassion we are to give ourselves first. In being able to self soothe before we depend on others to fall on.

Please don’t get me wrong, being vulnerable and leaning on others is okay. Feeling dejected and turning to loved ones to feel support is okay. I have my select group of people who have scraped my broken and mangled heart off the floor when my life had fallen apart. Social support is a necessity. It just cannot be in exchange for building the strength to care for ourselves.

If your heart hurts, it’s okay. Letting go of someone, something, an idea, or an expectation, even if it is the correct choice, can be difficult. It just means that it meant something to you.

Make peace with yourself frequently for it is with yourself that you are at war with most often. Accept what you can’t control and what seems forever to find its way to you. Stay in the current moment, and just get through today. You’ve adjusted and survived before; you will again.

Can't Seem To Get Motivated: What Gives?

The cooler weather brings with it the love of warm drinks, sweater weather and cozy blanket forts. It also drags along with it the shorter days, dreary weather, and a reluctance to get up in the morning to get moving. Just as there are the changes and transitions in the weather, there are also transitions in us. 

The transitions are at times welcomed with open arms and others are rejected with everything we can muster. Some shifts are monumental and some barely leave a mark until one day we look back and see just how far we have come.

If you look at your past in its totality, you will realize that along with difficulties there were times when you were joyful and optimistic. The past holds important clues as to what will bring you fulfillment in the future.

How do you tell the difference between avoidance and procrastination? The difference is based on the emotional value we place on these tasks. Putting them in categories will help shed light on which ones would be the simpler one to tackle.

The “I don’t want to do it” (procrastination) vs. “this gives me so much anxiety” (avoidance) categories. It’s differentiating the emotional and mental energy that it would take.

Even when there is an understanding that the tasks need to be completed, the reason it doesn’t get done is that the consequence for stalling isn’t strong enough to elicit movement towards completion.

The only way to move through this rut is understanding and processing the possible mental association we have behind them.

To help with figuring out what the underlying meaning is, write a list of demanding tasks that need to be completed in a particular time frame.

Once you have this list, I want you to separate them into two categories of what feels like avoidance and what is procrastination.

The list under procrastination could be the easiest to start with because it has the least amount of emotional attachment.

One item nearly ALWAYS under procrastination is laundry for me. I could easily say that the reason I drag my feet on this is that I don’t like it, or it’s annoying. That is the reason, but there is more to it than that.

Ask yourself why?

Just because I don’t like it, or its annoying doesn’t mean that its enough of a reason to stay stuck. There are plenty of other things that get accomplished that I do not like to do, e.g. get gas, taking out the trash, or vacuuming the floors.

WHY is doing the laundry a problem? Why is annoying or why do I not want to do it?  

The thought process goes like this: I don’t like doing it, it’s an extra time-consuming chore that takes too much energy sometimes… AND it is because it feels never ending. I cleaned up the closet, put up all the clothes, folded and put everything in drawers YESTERDAY afternoon and this morning, my son tells me the washer is nearly full.

I can’t ever get ahead of it and it feels as though even if I put in this effort, it won’t stay that way and I will need to do more in a day or two again.

So, I’ll leave the two baskets of clean clothes will stay there. Because WHAT’S THE POINT?! Hahaha

In bringing this core understanding of our motive behind the hesitation, we can use this awareness to work past it. We get stuck on these chores because we do not process the reason behind being stuck.

In realizing that the issue here with putting away the laundry is that I do not feel there is a reward for all of that effort, I can then start working on changing that outlook.

As I mentioned before, we will not follow through on a behavior if it is not something we value or if the consequence for stalling isn’t detrimental. It will get done eventually but, “eventually” creates a sense of unsteadiness and low sense of accomplishment/ achievement/ worth.

We have to work within what we value. I value cleanliness, but in my mind, the clean clothes in a basket tucked in the closet is still being clean. So, how do I make myself put away the clothes?

I had the basket next to my bed and tripped over it in the middle of the night. That was motivation enough to move the basket to the closet. That was consequence driven. I want to help you get to where the decision is desire driven so the behavior will become a habit and not constantly avoided.

We must come up with a reason that makes doing it valuable so it will get done.

•     Doing laundry because it has the shirt I want to wear, or a dress that needs to hang dry, so I can wear it on a date.

•     Getting administrative work done because I want money

•      Working out regularly because my thighs are touching again or because I only watch certain upbeat dance songs that I love when I am on the elliptical, so I make myself get on it, so I jam.

You may not value unpacking the boxes, but you may value what the end result will bring you: the room being complete, personal escape/ oasis, or curiosity of what’s been packed away; trip down memory lane.

You may not enjoy running every day, but you need the solitude that brings peace from the people in your life for that one moment out of the entire day.

Oftentimes we get stuck in the failure aspect of not getting things done which is why it is important to just take the first step towards a change. Instead of focusing on the reasons why you don’t want to do it, find what aspect of the action will make it worthwhile. Slowly let the internal messages reveal themselves to you and start your shift.