Playing Good Cop/ Bad Cop In Parenting: Does It Work?
All parents, I can confidently say, have fallen into the parenting trap of being the good cop or bad cop from time to time.
While married, I was typically the bad cop who enforced the rules, managed the schedules and basically the one on the front line of this wonderful battle called parenting; often leading to tantrums, tears and tumultuous attempts at consistency. Our lives reflected the imbalance of maintaining structure given that I worked while the children were at school, and he didn’t make it home until dinner was close to finished.
When their father came home, he was greeted with smiles and excitement because he was, by nature, the fun playful father or in other words, the good cop.
As you are reading this you may smile in recognition of these dynamics or eve roll your eyes in resignation if these are reflections of a part of your parenting regimen. Sounds harmless I’m sure, however, these polar dynamics can instill patterns in behavior that can become challenging in fostering and maintaining healthy relationships.
Parents are different people, so of course their relationships with their children will differ and that doesn’t have to mean better or worse. What can be a problem is when parents allow their children’s temporary preferences to solidify into unhealthy roles, such as “the nice parent versus the mean parent,” “the capable parent versus the inept parent”, or “the involved parent versus the uninvolved parent.”
These types of rigid roles hurt both parents and children.
In a well-functioning family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents, being the secure base of the family to avoid the “divide and conquer” dynamic.
This difference in parenting styles, on the surface may seem to be due to personality styles. I am “type A” and therefore am more comfortable in establishing and maintaining order, and he is… Not (hahahah) and therefore seems more carefree and energetic. In my experience working as a mental health therapist, things are never as simple as they seem.
Ask yourself, why do you need to maintain structure, when sometimes it may be OK to let it flow just a bit? Why do you need understanding and leniency when a bit of a reality check might be necessary for the child? What are the underlying beliefs about this way of parenting and where do you think they come from? What needs are we fulfilling in our parenting styles for ourselves?
Understanding this element of yourself and your partner could serve in a deeper connection, emotional intimacy and strength in your role as parents.
It is the manifestation and perpetuation of these rigid roles that leads to what is called Triangulation in family systems theory. Murray Bowen theorized that people’s actions in a triangle reflect their efforts to assure their emotional attachments to important others, their reactions to too much intensity in the attachments, and their taking sides in others’ conflicts.
In other words, a triangle creates an odd man out, while two are connected against one.
Bowen theorized that a two-person emotional system is unstable in that it forms itself into a three-person system or triangle under stress. They intentionally or more commonly, unintentionally create confusion as a means of controlling the situation in a passive way.
Triangulation or establishing this good cop vs. bad cop, can become unhealthy in families when it causes undue stress on the third party and/or when it prevents, resolution of the dyad’s conflict.
There are three components to triangulation:
1. Persecutor: This label describes an individual who attacks the others who are participants in the triangle.
2. Rescuer: This is a person either within the created triangle or outside the triangle that acts as a rescuer or someone who is the “saving grace.”
3. Victim: This label describes an individual who carries an attitude, in some situations (if not all), of “poor me.” While there are cases in which the person is the victim (due to how they are being treated by others), the triangle describes a person who creates a triangle in such a way that they become the “victim.”
In a family, the strongest bond should always be between the parents and in a well-functioning family, the parental bond needs to be the secure base of the family to avoid the “good cop/bad cop” dynamic.
It may seem innocuous; however, these roles can create lasting hindrances to individuation of the child and rift in the emotional safety of all parties.
Inconsistent messages from Mom and Dad can leave kids unsure of what is expected or appropriate. Plus, they feel guilty that their behavior has caused a conflict.
Having to always be the enforcer can make one parent feel resentful toward the other. This resentment can lead to a larger drift when one doesn’t feel respected or supported in the decision-making or carrying out of the consequences.
Not only that, arguments can strain the relationship between parents, and leave kids favoring one parent over the other or making them feel as though they need to be loyal and defend one parent.
The truth is, kids need both sides of parenting. They need love, they need fun. They need boundaries, they need freedom. They need silly, AND they need “the look” every once in a while.
A united front is so important for your children’s sense of security and safety and for your relationship with your partner. Be strong and stick to the decisions you made together, and everyone will know where they stand and thrive as a family unit.
Why So Anxious?
To say these times, feel very uncertain would be a terrible understatement. Our world, humanity and economy seems to be coming apart at the seams causing great unrest and anxiety for us all.
It has become a challenge to be able to mitigate and combat the nagging negative thoughts that revolve around in our minds in these thought loops.
We as humans generally thrive in situations where there is a sense of familiarity and stability. It comes from our need for power and control, based on the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
This need for power and control is not the kind where you want to rule over others and the world, this is more along the lines of having some say over the course of your existence. What influence you would have over your outcomes.
With the novelty and the challenges that come with this new virus, the state of the economy and our movement to further human rights, the air feels laden with energy and anxiety.
Every emotion we experience serves a purpose. It doesn’t necessarily feel as thought it is beneficial, for example when there are these endless anxious thoughts circling through your head, preventing you from being productive or getting through the tasks of the day. Even with these struggles, your emotions are trying to tell you something.
Take anger for example. What would be the purpose for anger? To be destructive and aggressive? Haha no, even if for some people, it ends up that way.
The purpose of anger it to alert you to a very important value that has been violated. Or for some, the purpose of anger is a safety mechanism to ward off harm.
Anxiety is also one of those emotions that helps identify when something is off. The purpose of that nagging, incessant and shrill voice inside your head is to let you know that something is not as it should be and could potentially cause you harm.
So, what your anxiety is trying to do, is it is trying to get your attention to what is looming so that you can take care of it.
Typically, anxious thoughts are most present when things that matter to you seem to be out of your control in how you can influence or manipulate the outcome.
Those of us that are anxious about Covid-19 are nervous not only about the virus itself, but more so about the inability to discern how to handle it should you become infected.
As a single parent, the concern could be how becoming sick would negatively impact the ability to work, to physically care for your kids, to pay for the bills while you are unable to sustain an income and if you are not present, how will your kids survive?
Here, the purpose of the anxiety is to bring your attention to these issues, not to just rob you of your peace and sleep, but rather so you can come up with a game plan to challenge these setbacks that could arise.
Anxiety cannot hold a candle to facts. The struggle is matching the intensity of the anxiety with the same level of factual challenge.
For example, as a single parent, if those are the fears that I have are giving me anxiety, I have to match it with equal responses in their weight of values. 1- negatively impact the ability to work: I would not meet anyone in person, however, if I am feeling up to it once I am on the mend, I can pick up the telehealth sessions again. 2- Who will physically care for the kids: My parents would be able to take them for the entire time or I have a group of friends who are amazing and would help out. 3- Pay for the bills when I am unable to work: everything is on auto draft and also, we will have to go into our savings, which is there for times like these.
The trick here is to recognize that nothing will be a perfect match to be as good as if you are able to handle it all per the norm. The point is finding solutions that will keep things afloat, not necessarily what is the optimal option.
Our fear here of losing control or influence is that our little universe that we have painstakingly created and nurtured will crash and burn as a result of losing our grasp on things.
We must challenge that notion with factual responses to show our brain that it won’t be as bad as are perceiving the loss to be.
When things feel unbearably shaky, we must allow ourselves the grace to not judge ourselves for not performing at our optimal level. Whether that’s keeping the laundry done, the house chores complete, or staying fully on top of our administrative work. If one day we need extra space for mental or physical recharging, that is okay. It can be made up the next day. Take care of what is crucial and recognize the need for rest.
Remember that our emotions serve a purpose. They are our friends; albeit annoying, nagging and ever incessant fear inducing friends at times. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. Honor your experience and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Embrace the feeling and then challenge the messages associated with it.
Zero Motivation? How To Knock Out Your To- Do List
Some days, it is difficult to get motivated to start the day just because it is cold and I do not want to get out of my fortress of comfort, surrounded by my pillows and loved ones. I do not want to be productive; I just want to stay there and snuggle and be happy and cozy. It starts around the fall time, because there are seasonal changes, and we as humans do not really do well with change. The adjustment period feels like a brick tied around my ankle, making it more and more difficult to feel motivated and be industrious.
As a therapist, I am expected to teach clients how to find motivation and it is most unfortunate to share with you that… motivation just does not come. I do not suddenly wake up one day and just say “you know that stack of insurance claims that I have to bill, oh I feel so motivated to do that right now”. Or how I have knocked over an entire row of bins in the garage that are now scattered around the floor and think, “oh you know what? Right now, seems like the perfect time, I’m so excited and motivated to go organize and clean it”.
That just does not happen. Not when these tasks are not in alignment with my immediate and prioritized values or when these tasks are in opposition to my state of being. Are there miraculous moments now and then where I do wake up and I’ve had a great night’s sleep and I’ll say “you know what? I think I’m going to work out this morning”? Yes! Now and then it does happen. But for the most part, the magical fairy dusting of motivation and the drive to accomplish is not present, especially if it is something you do not enjoy doing. Most of the time we get bogged down with all of these things that we “should” be doing. We “should” be exercising, getting up on time, filing those insurance claims, doing the work.
For some of us, they become these overwhelming blocks that just pile on our shoulders one after another until it feels like we are carrying the world on our shoulders. It feels heavy. That heavy burden could lead to giving up all together, saying “I just can’t, it’s too much, I can’t right now, so I’m just going to put it off and act like it doesn’t exist”. For others, these “should’s” fuel us to achieve and prove that we are enough, we are competent, or we are worthy of recognition. We work great under pressure, sure, but to the point where we are always in crisis mode.
Neither extreme of responding to “should’s” are healthy. Today I want to recommend that you take a moment, just a moment, to find your bearings, feel grounded; feel stable again.
When things are kind of going crazy, that sense of feeling frazzled can certainly lead to anxiety that stays with you the rest of the day. It makes you irritable, despondent and expels a lot of emotional/mental energy for something for an outcome that is ineffective because nothing is getting done- or so much has been tackled that your body is in the brink of shutting down.
So, take a minute and ground yourself. Sit down on the ground, literally, and close your eyes. Take a couple deep breaths, figure out where you are, listen to the small things in the background.
Do you hear the clock ticking? Do you hear your intake of breath? Do you feel the breeze on your skin? Notice the little nuances that go on around you?
Bring yourself to the present, to the moment. Take a couple of deep breaths. Is this meditation taking no more than 2-3 minutes? I suppose that it could be because it is mindfulness. I know a lot of us do not really have the time to set aside, but just for a moment, especially when things feel so overwhelming, you can feel some reprieve. You deserve that moment, one that is just yours, where you can say “okay I’m here, I’m present right now, I matter right now”.
Afterwards, I want you to make a list with 3 different categories.
These lists make me feel that I have some semblance of structure and that structure calms my chaotic world.
So, in these lists, I want you to categorize a “HAVE To” list, a “NEED To” list, and a “Want To” list. The “HAVE To” list comes first because it is the easiest thing to get to. There are so many things that can go in there. But there is a difference between “I need to” and “I want to” and “I have to”.
Have to, today for example, I have to feed the babies in the morning. I also have to get them to school, I have to get to work, and I have to do my sessions. The other things that are on my list, for example, crumbs on the floor from their breakfasts, I do not HAVE to vacuum them up right this moment. Would I like to? Yes, because it is messy and that drives me crazy, and last night I spent 2 hours cleaning the floors. So yes, I would definitely like to sweep them up and feel that its clean again, but I do not HAVE to do that right this minute.
Time is very restrictive in the mornings for us anyways. The other thing I do not have to do today is go grocery shopping. It certainly can wait until tomorrow. Do I want it to wait until tomorrow? Of course not. But it CAN wait. I need to go, we need food for the weekend, but we have food in the pantry/ freezer and my kids will be okay. That is not something that has to get done right this minute. It needs to happen, but it can wait. There are so many things like this that can fall into this category.
Anything on this “Have To” list is crucial. Must be done and must be taken care of. The “Need To” list is items that have a leeway of a few days.
Now the “Want To” list, that is the fun part. Yes, the fact that I knocked over those bins while trying to get the Halloween decorations down and now Christmas stuff is on the floor in my garage… do I absolutely want to get that taken care of? YES, it drives me bananas that my garage, or my kitchen, or my house is like that, but those are “want to’s”. I want to get them done.
When there is so much to take care of, we have to give ourselves the grace to let some things go.
I am a single mom, running a tiny universe that I have created for myself with my practice, kids and my books. I have so much on my plate, that it is no longer a plate- it is a platter. At this moment, my platter is overflowing, and things are falling off because I put so much on myself, willingly.
Instead of falling apart internally, mentally, emotionally, or physically, I can start to feel like I am in control of some of it just by starting to sort them and tackling them one at a time. One list at a time.
The most important lesson here is not “don’t put so much on your plate” (I mean I would love to do that, I would totally live by that advice, but I don’t) but “to give yourself some grace”.
You are not superhuman. As much as I would love to be wonder woman, I am not. I am human. AND THAT’S NORMAL. Let me repeat that. IT’S NORMAL.
It is normal to be human, to be tired, to not feel motivated, to just want to crawl under the covers and say, “I don’t want to deal with all of this today”. Give yourself some grace, give yourself a moment, and offer love to yourself for what you have managed for today.
Shouldn't Hold On, But Can't Let Go
Ever wonder why a person who is not healthy or good for your mental health, is still the person you cannot seem to let go?
You are a person of sound mind and seemingly justified in your rational decision-making skills and yet when it comes to this one person, it seems as though all logic dissipates and you are a version of yourself that you cannot comprehend or recognize.
Is it that person that is ultimately worth more than yourself?
Do me a favor and blurt out the first 5 things that were “wrong” or less than perfect in this relationship or in your interactions with this person …
Was that difficult? Perhaps it was difficult not to accept the challenges you faced in how you were treated or how your needs were not met. Did you find yourself justifying what happened to make it okay?
Perhaps it was simple to list out all the ways it was not a good fit based on what is important to you and what you need out of those you devote your time and energy to.
No matter which of these categories you fall into, the question still remains: Why are you still holding on to this person? What is it about them that makes them so important that it is etched into your psyche?
What do they represent?
Often times, it is not the person themselves that we grow attached to, rather it is the way this person made you feel.
It could be that your scars matched theirs, or that they accepted you with your shadows. Possibly, it was that you felt emotionally safe in their presence as you have not with others before. Could it be that you were allowed to show a truer version of yourself to this person without consequence? Or simply that you felt the freedom to work towards reaching a higher potential with their support. Perhaps, the experiences shared were ones you never knew existed before this person came around.
We create and shape our world view based on the experiences that we have. Your worldview is how you perceive the world and place a value judgement on the “should’s” of life. It is an interconnected puzzle system of values that feeds into your belief of how the world works or should work.
Our values are also shaped based on the early childhood experiences whether these were principles that were modeled for you and held as sacred or experiences that were lacking while you were growing up.
Take protection as a value for example. If you were brought up by those who were true advocates and fought for the wellbeing of other individuals and vehemently defended the safety of those around them, it is likely that you would hold that as your value as well. On the flip side of that same coin, if you were one who was not protected and did not have anyone to rely on to come to your aid in a prominent experience, you could also have a strong value to protect and defend others, as you would have wished that someone would have for you.
Both of these examples of what became a value and the reason behind it, colors the lens of how you perceive the world “should” be.
If you are a person who did not have the feeling that someone had your back no matter what, when you encounter a person who is loyal and protective of you, it leaves an imprint on your heart that isn’t so easily wiped away.
So, think back on this person that you are having a hard time letting go. What is it about them, these values they represented, that captured your heart? Who did this person remind you of? What is it about this person that you fear you will never be able to find again? Which experiences with this person are you grieving?
Those are the reasons they still have a grasp on your heart, mind, and soul. It is not always the person they are, but rather all these ideals that they encapsulated.
When Your Intuition Says No, But Your Insecurity Says Yes!
Why We Chase Approval
Ever find yourself pining after and seeking the approval of those who may not truly influence your day-to-day existence, whether it be a coworker, colleague, acquaintance or someone you recently started dating? Thanks to the multitude of positive memes and quotes, we are able to recite that our worth does not reflect on the other's ability to notice it, and yet there is this pull to convince them that they are wrong in their judgement of us.
If you are living your life to the best capacity of who you are at the moment, why do they matter? Why do we continue to defend our versions of the truth in hopes that seemingly and ultimately unimportant passersby hold their views of us in positive regards?
This internal difficulty in shedding the need to seek approval comes from the lack of belief we have in our own intrinsic worth. We have a hard time believing that we are competent, accomplished, that we have something of value to offer in our work, that we are beautiful as we are, that we are enough, or any multitude of these messages and therefore, we seek the approval in order to validate that part of us that wasn't nurtured through childhood.
When we go through life from early childhood with the condition that if we do this... then we are__________, we struggle to foster intrinsic sense of value and worth.
Take a moment and do a quick recap of how you grew to know that you are smart, or helpful, or attractive.
As children, we crave the attention of our parents or caregivers to fill our love bucket. Through creative drawing, school work, building something or perhaps even making sure to help clean up or take care of something, so they would not have to.
We mold our understanding of our worth based on the ever powerful statement, "Good Girl/ Good Boy!" and begin internalizing these messages of IF we are _______, then we are _______ (fill in your choice of validation)
As we continue our growth as adolescence into adulthood, we then transfer these beliefs into what we expect to give and hope to find in our love life. We may find distant partners alluring because their dismissive or lackluster interest is a challenge for our ego …
We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us because it feeds that part of us that still feels like we have something to prove. Prove we’re lovable, important, valued or worthy. We may then take that to another level and hope that we matter enough to where we can change someone’s mind or behavior.
When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s not able or willing to meet our needs as we give to them, it is because our inner-child is hurting deeply and fears being alone. Any time spent chasing someone to give us this acceptance, there’s an unmet internal need for love and belonging toward our inner-child.
After all, Love is simply seeking the desire to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished for being all that we are without consequence.
We are all going to have days when we show up as the worst version of ourselves. But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is there for us; who loves us on the hard days and upon whom we know it is safe to rely and depend on.
Allowing anything less is giving power to someone else who will reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you. Triggering all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding emotional intimacy.
It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern …one you learned early on in life. Healing occurs as you sever your attraction and comfort of shadow relationships (the symbolic need to prove your worth to others) and move toward practicing how to let healthy love in.
Where do you start? We start this process of healing by recognizing these internal messages surrounding love, acceptance and worth. Learning the source of these patterns is not meant to assign blame to our early childhood caregivers as they were probably doing the best that they knew to do at that time. It is simply to gain understanding and knowledge of where these patterns came from.
By acknowledging how and why these messages came to be, we can work towards rewriting those messages and intentionally working towards walking away from those who offer less than what we all need to feel cared for and valued.
No matter what we strive for in life, our first responsibility is to understand how we came to be the way we are, and taking small steps to work towards whom we wish to become. Only when we heal the internal dialogue can we learn to love others and receive the same kind of healthy love in return.
What IS the Big Deal?
Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Conflicts
In my work with couples, a common theme is that they are having the same fights over and over again. Typically, these arguments are not serious in nature, yet, over years of having the same disputes, the emotional intimacy begins to break down.
What is emotional intimacy?
It is the ability to be vulnerable and NOT have that vulnerability be met with a consequence. You see this among old friends in which you can reveal all your crazy, and they love and accept you anyway and typically laugh along with you about it.
Think about when you first met and the months that followed. You were excited to speak to them and share your thoughts and experiences and ideologies and that connection was magical. That connection is the beginning of romantic love and emotional intimacy. THAT is the secret to lasting relationships. That connection and safety in being seen and heard for who you are.
Fast forward a few years, and the mundane chore of co-existing could begin to chip away at that connection and you find yourself not turning as often to one another for that support and emotional or intellectual intimacy.
Ah! If I could tell you the intensity behind my argument with my partner about the trash! Once a week, the trash is to be dragged to the end of the driveway to be picked up. I make sure what needs to be out of the house is out and the only responsibility of my partner… is to take it out of the garage and leave it to be picked up.
I wake up, get the babies ready for school, get dressed for the day at work and don the stilettos. On a good day, I am running and stumbling with the book bags and lunches and my purse and their shoes and don’t impale the cats as I run through the door to the car and see that the kids are not tardy today! And as I am pulling out… there’s the garbage bin, still on the side of the house.
Let’s imagine the colorful phone call he is about to receive. I relay the message for the 50th time that this is the only thing I need him to do on Tuesdays!! He responds back with fervent apologies and two options, either take out the trash myself (in my stilettos), or just leave it for next week, it’s not that big of a deal, and he is tired of the nagging. The argument then escalated in a passionate attempt to be heard and understood by both parties.
Understanding the problem
This is where my job as the therapist (mediator and referee) becomes very difficult. Is it really about the trash? Would it be that he really doesn’t care, or he is lazy? Could it be about rigidity?
In all situations, there are two perspectives and both are accurate- let me say that again- both are accurate in their limited perceptions of the truth. The only way to overcome this particular obstacle and have any hope of keeping the connection intact is to try to understand what is behind the reaction of your partner.
What is the big deal?
The goal is not to just listen to generate your immaculate retort or to disintegrate their stance and justify your own. It is to genuinely comprehend what is behind the negative response and why they consider it a violation of their value.
All negative responses occur as a result of a value that is perceived to have been violated. In this case, it is not the trash (albeit, it is literally full of feces, whether from a diaper or from the cats and will furthermore increase in intensity of foul odors if left for another week). It is about reliability and dependability.
I am one who can do anything on my own if I needed to. I was to trust that I am not alone in this relationship and that I am able to rely on my partner and that he will follow through on his words because he is dependable. Those are the values when violated, will trigger a negative response; in this case and in ANY circumstance that I feel these values are not met. That’s how values work.
From his perspective, he was running late and feels overwhelmed with his other responsibilities and therefore he needs understanding and compassion from his partner.
When assessed in this manner, are either party actively intending to minimize or dismiss the importance of the other? Absolutely not. Without the understanding of what is hidden under the conflict, this conflict will ensue and will manifest in a multitude of different circumstances and the result will be the same.
Take the time to ask yourself and your partner, NOT what is the big deal, rather Why is this a big deal.
Healthy Relationship Tips to Avoid a Relationship Pandemic During COVID-19
During a global pandemic, a relationship crisis can be extremely difficult to manage.
Non-essential places such as movie theatres; restaurants and malls are closed
which makes it difficult to get out of the house and go on dates. Ways to have a healthy relationship have narrowed down to hardly any options.
However, there are many pieces of healthy relationship advice in which you can continue being in a healthy relationship while in a pandemic crisis.
Maintaining healthy relationships during a pandemic crisis sounds daunting, but you can create a healthy relationship, with open and honest communication.
Communication and space during a pandemic crisis
This might mean an occasional meeting to deliver updates on what is happening, upcoming plans.
To keep a relationship strong and healthy, alongside the other healthy relationship tips, it would be a good idea to do a daily check-in that helps partners understand each other state of mind and condition.
Conventionally, before the pandemic struck us hard, the norm was for both partners to spend considerable time apart at work and home.
But during pandemic crises when companies have created the work from home arrangement for their employees and the government has mandated the lockdowns, spouses are inadvertently left with each other, joined at the hip, under the same roof.
For most of the couples being cramped up in the same house all the time has made the situation somewhat stifling, with no room for personal space.
The significance of down-time or alone time is highly underestimated, however along time or me-time could be going for a walk; going to the store; going to a separate room to read; watch television or to go on social media.
Keep things simple and light
Some healthy relationship tips to follow for couples suddenly working from home together would be to work in separate rooms. That is one of the effective strategies to maintain healthy relationships.
This may be difficult for couples who live in one-bedroom houses. If you do live in a one-bedroom house, have someone work in the living room and the other person works from the dining room if possible.
For couples who live in 2 or more-bedroom house or apartment, this would be easier. Even during pandemic crises there are businesses that are still open and going outside for a walk is ok. Essential businesses such as grocery stores are open.
If there seems to be tension in the house go to the grocery store or if that does not work, go for a walk outside. Just because there is a lockdown does not mean you cannot go outside.
Establish routines
Nobody is quite familiar with this thing called social distancing yet, and still during pandemic crises, things tend to change rapidly.
Everyday there is something new that happens, some people call it a curveball.
Healthy relationship tips include establishing a structured lifestyle. Routines in this type of situation can be helpful. Assigning roles for each day can help. Assign chores and switch them daily.
Healthy relationship tips include having a movie night, game night. Also, use video call for game nights so you can play games with your friends and relatives.
Get therapy
Therapists are now doing virtual sessions or video sessions. This means you can seek expert professional help at your own pace from the comfort of your own home.
Therapy is confidential. If you have been going to counseling prior to a pandemic crisis contact your therapist and see if they do virtual sessions or will do virtual sessions. Continuing therapy throughout a pandemic crisis can be extremely helpful in learning healthy relationship tips and ways to navigate challenges that entail in the wake of global pandemic.
Do not push for sex
No, having sex with your partner is not going to increase your odds of getting the virus during a pandemic crisis but you may find that sexual desire fall short of what it usually is. It has normal to be less interested in sex during times of crisis.
Focus on the little things
It is easy to become overwhelmed with existential dread in the face during any pandemic. This can further aggravate the matters with your spouse, making you both snappy, helpless and judgy.
Do not succumb to the pressure, just take a deep breath, and try to count your blessings and focus on the little things especially those you can appreciate with your spouse. Such small but significantly mindful actions can be the best healthy relationship tips to follow.
Being in a healthy relationship can be exceedingly difficult during a pandemic crisis. Living together, not being able to go to work, not being able to in your usual routine and having to work from home can throw things off and make life stressful.
The blog I wrote includes just few of the healthy relationship tips, which could help continue the happy partnership that you were in before the crisis.
-Habiba Zaman, LPC
Addictive Thinking During COVID-19
While ideally these times of being in such close quarters with our loved ones would lead to quality time and growth, for most of us, it is bringing out our anxieties surrounding these uncertain times and creating discord and annoyance instead. These times are difficult for everyone; men, women, children, the elderly, though it could be doubly difficult with those struggling with addiction or are in recovery. Addiction here is any kind of addiction- addictive thinking, substances, behaviors, or impulses. I am writing this in an attempt to offer an understanding as well as applicable techniques to help us all get through this time of isolation and confusion.
Stress is something that a person struggling with addiction is constantly aware of. They have the incessant nagging of the reminder of being “dysfunctional” and the anxiety of having to maintain their temperance. Any added stressors where they may feel even more powerless over the outcomes such as the coronavirus pandemic would greatly impact the feelings of safety and stability for anyone but most definitely those struggling with addiction. From a brain and somatic/body-based perspective, I would say stress activates the survival mechanisms, the (fight, faint, freeze or flight) for everyone. It elevates levels of anxiety and triggers the limbic system to respond somatically, which creates the physically uncomfortable experiences we have of like, racing heartbeat, restlessness, headaches and body aches, tightness of chest, being chronically out of breath, etc. For addicts, the way they have historically calmed those physical symptoms has been through substance use. Where non-addicts are able to find other ways to calm those symptoms using alternative methods, addicts have historically only been able to do it with substances, or found substances do it quickest and most effectively, which is incredibly tempting if their symptoms are extreme. Addiction is very much about relationships and using their relationship to their choice of drug in lieu of fostering healthy relationships with people. And these procedures of forced isolation will highlight the feelings of loneliness that they have at one point assuaged through people, control, food, sex, shopping, drugs, alcohol etc. It will be much harder to fill that gap without the support of social outlets, outings, outdoor/ indoor activities, services that provide 12 step or similar programs and could result in relapses. Financial uncertainty is also causing stress and are triggering cravings in those struggling with addiction which not only heightens the need for escape, but the isolation is creating favorable conditions for relapse.
A-People in “recovery” are more susceptible to relapse because they have developed and are working on maintaining a healthy routine which has now been either slightly impacted or completely disrupted. Ensuring that they are keeping a routine which includes a regular sleep schedule (no napping), showering, getting dressed, going outside, eating, and doing something that feels rewarding and productive. Continuing online exercising, isolated walks/runs, hikes, outdoor solitary activities that are safe are necessary to break the monotony of feeling cooped up or trapped inside the home.
B- Staying in regular touch with loved ones BY FACETIME or other video services, because it is as close to eye contact as we can get, which is hugely important for human connection, especially when touch is not possible. Eye contact is something we typically struggle with because of our levels of distraction anyway (it’s shocking how just having couples work on intentional eye contact can transform their relationships), but when touch is off the table, and now under these circumstances, we have to, with INTENT, up the amount of connection with loved ones as much as possible. SMART recovery offers online meetings that can provide the engagement found in social support.
C- Use somatic calming practices regularly, not just when triggered. This would be things like meditation, body calming exercises, guided meditations, etc. Some apps are (I think) making some features available for free during the crisis. Apps like Headspace and Calm are great for this. As much as we can organically and intentionally calm those somatic responses to stress and anxiety as possible, our minds will actually follow, calming our emotional response to the stress. Stress is not just the things that are being put on you, but at times things that are unknown or uncertainty or the absence of these freedoms that bring about these manifestations of stress and anxiety. HALT is an acronym that is helpful to address: Hungry. Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are experiencing more than one of these at any given time, you are your subconscious fears worst enemy. Things that we could otherwise cope with and talk through will become triggers. Managing these 4 things throughout the day and making sure not more than one are suffering at any given time will help keep emotions at baseline. 4, 2, 8 is a breathing technique that works as a direct link through the Vagus nerve to the brain to take the person out of the anxious state in activating the amygdala. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts and breathe out for 8 counts.
In addition to the above, I would say limit exposure to the news. It is important to remain informed, but over exposure can create more anxiety and even panic. Along those lines, I really emphasize listening ONLY to doctors and public health experts (like zoonotic disease experts, epidemiologists, disaster prevention and preparedness experts, pandemic modeling experts, etc.). Doctors and public health experts’ sole focus is the health of the people. Doctors in particular have an oath, and more importantly, laws and ethical codes that bind them to communicating accurate information to the general public. They can be trusted to give accurate information. I suggest connecting with doctors who are family or friends and asking them what their sources of information are so that they can follow the same sources.
Check in with loved ones frequently, and perhaps even send them care packages. Listen to them and emphasize as an outside perspective that this situation is TEMPORARY, because they will need to hear it. Remind them of the strengths that they have leaned on to achieve their “sobriety” and healthy/ functional lifestyle- the ability to take things a day at a time the long term vision to see past the pandemic and see a positive future (as someone who struggles with an addiction, they had to be able to envision a better future for themselves in order to have hope to get past their addiction)... things like this. Most importantly, they have to listen with absolute nonjudgment and not panic. People with addictions have a REMARKABLE sense of survival, incredible strength and resilience, and an ability to see past dark days. They have worked really hard, and they know what it is like to face nearly insurmountable odds and have a lot of experience to offer from that perspective. The best thing we could do is learn from their strength and resilience, listen to them and their experiences, ask for their perspectives, and in this way, not only are we supporting them and helping them feel connected and worthy and loved, we are helping ourselves as a witness to their history and strength.
We, in this field of mental health, are using this opportunity to continue to build strength and resiliency while enforcing the need for healthy coping mechanisms. We are continuing to offer sessions through telehealth as at times, we are the only escape and voice of reason for our clients based on where they are in their journey. We are encouraging our clients to use this time to reach their goals that they otherwise do not have time for; self-care, exercise, more family time, spring cleaning, picking up a new craft, establish a new habit etc. We are using our social media to reframe this time of isolation as a reset to the new year resolutions.
Anxiety is just our minds way of trying to tell us that something is amiss and that we are losing control. The best way to manage this anxiety is to do the things that bring control over the situation. To gather just enough information to be able to maintain your sense of safety and to know what to look for and what to do in the meantime. Then telling yourself what it is that you are doing or have done to control what you can. Staying home is something we are actively doing to prevent the spread, even though it does not feel as active. Washing our hands, reducing how much contact we have, keeping up with personal hygiene and physical care to strengthen our immune systems are all active and conscious choices to control the situation.
How Do You Handle Adversity?
Adversity. What does that look like to you? How do you go about managing it and coping?
This is a good lesson for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be like the COFFEE.
Behind Closed Doors
Let’s dive deeper into intimacy. This is prevalent in every relationship we have, whether it be with friends, your coworkers, or your significant other.
Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart, and finally feeling SO ALIVE! There are many kinds of love, but most people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner. Months go by and the reality of differing personalities starts to sink in and understanding the person you are spending your time with becomes crucial. When the feelings of love towards this person will start to merge with being in love with the person. This is the critical time- right at about 12-20 weeks where relationships are made or they begin to fall apart. At this point, you and your partner begin to co-exist together and values are either met or violated. For example, how do you make the person feel they are important when you don’t know the values they hold to be important? Is it quality time, affirmations, gifts, acts of kindness, physical touch? To get to know the person, first, you must create intimacy within the relationship. Intimacy in between the sheets is important, but I’m speaking more towards emotional intimacy which in its rawest form creates closeness with another person. Emotional Intimacy is the ability to feel vulnerable and still be confident that you will be accepted. There are different forms of intimacy and knowing the values within each aspect of intimacy will help you meet those needs.
1. Emotional intimacy: is closeness created through sharing our feelings, thoughts, and desires. One of the easiest ways to create this is to spend 10 minutes with each other without any distractions such as electronics, other people or multitasking.
2. Intellectual intimacy: involves having a mutual understanding and freedom to discuss topics of interests based on your values. This includes discussion about politics, religion, child rearing, family values, advocacy, and anything else that is important to you WITHOUT fear of consequence.
3. Recreational Intimacy is being active together. Find those things that you like to do or would like to experience and do them with your partner.
4. Financial Intimacy is the sharing of your financial situation. Financial intimacy comes with developing a plan for your finances and being able to have open and honest communication with your partner regarding plans and aspirations related to finances.
5. Physical Intimacy is creating a connection through touch. Be it holding hands, a hug, a kiss or making love, we humans were designed to want to be touched. Touch can communicate acceptance and love, a closeness that only the two of you have based on your shared experiences.
Using these different aspects you can then begin the conversation of finding and understanding the values within each level of intimacy. Examples of values that correspond with emotional intimacy would be: acceptance, openness, transparency, authenticity, honesty, trust, freedom, caring, creativity, curiosity etc. When you have a relationship that revolves around shared values and intimacy, the relationship and passion will feel very natural, and easy. Coexisting will be simple and conversations will reflect the values that make you who you are as an individual and also within the context of the relationship.
Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Conflicts
Today we are going to talk about conflicts and what it takes to understand them. Enjoy this quick read for insight on conflicts!
In my work with couples, a common theme is that they are having the same fights over and over again. Typically, these arguments are not serious in nature, yet, over years of having the same disputes, the emotional intimacy begins to break down.
What is emotional intimacy?
It is the ability to be vulnerable and NOT have that vulnerability be met with a consequence. You see this among old friends in which you can reveal all your crazy, and they love and accept you anyway and typically laugh along with you about it.
Think about when you first met and the months that followed. You were excited to speak to them and share your thoughts and experiences and ideologies and that connection was magical. That connection is the beginning of romantic love and emotional intimacy. THAT is the secret to lasting relationships. That connection and safety in being seen and heard for who you are.
Fast forward a few years, and the mundane chore of co-existing could begin to chip away at that connection and you find yourself not turning as often to one another for that support and emotional or intellectual intimacy.
Ah! If I could tell you the intensity behind my argument with my partner about the trash! Once a week, the trash is to be dragged to the end of the driveway to be picked up. I make sure what needs to be out of the house is out and the only responsibility of my partner… is to take it out of the garage and leave it to be picked up.
I wake up, get the babies ready for school, get dressed for the day at work and don the stilettos. On a good day, I am running and stumbling with the book bags and lunches and my purse and their shoes and don’t impale the cats as I run through the door to the car and see that the kids are not tardy today! And as I am pulling out… there’s the garbage bin, still on the side of the house.
Let’s imagine the colorful phone call he is about to receive. I relay the message for the 50th time that this is the only thing I need him to do on Tuesdays!! He responds back with fervent apologies and two options, either take out the trash myself (in my stilettos), or just leave it for next week, it’s not that big of a deal, and he is tired of the nagging. The argument then escalated in a passionate attempt to be heard and understood by both parties.
Understanding the problem
This is where my job as the therapist (mediator and referee) becomes very difficult. Is it really about the trash? Would it be that he really doesn’t care, or he is lazy? Could it be about rigidity?
In all situations, there are two perspectives and both are accurate- let me say that again- both are accurate in their limited perceptions of the truth. The only way to overcome this particular obstacle and have any hope of keeping the connection intact is to try to understand what is behind the reaction of your partner.
What is the big deal?
The goal is not to just listen to generate your immaculate retort or to disintegrate their stance and justify your own. It is to genuinely comprehend what is behind the negative response and why they consider it a violation of their value.
All negative responses occur as a result of a value that is perceived to have been violated. In this case, it is not the trash (albeit, it is literally full of feces, whether from a diaper or from the cats and will furthermore increase in intensity of foul odors if left for another week). It is about reliability and dependability.
I am one who can do anything on my own if I needed to. I was to trust that I am not alone in this relationship and that I am able to rely on my partner and that he will follow through on his words because he is dependable. Those are the values when violated, will trigger a negative response; in this case and in ANY circumstance that I feel these values are not met. That’s how values work.
From his perspective, he was running late and feels overwhelmed with his other responsibilities and therefore he needs understanding and compassion from his partner.
When assessed in this manner, are either party actively intending to minimize or dismiss the importance of the other? Absolutely not. Without the understanding of what is hidden under the conflict, this conflict will ensue and will manifest in a multitude of different circumstances and the result will be the same.
Take the time to ask yourself and your partner, NOT what is the big deal, rather Why is this a big deal.
You've Got This Mama!
When you struggle with talking to your children and are having a hard “mom day” here is my advice to you! You’ve Got This Mama- this is something I’ve been wanting to post for a long time now!
We love our babies. That is a truth that lives in the depths of our hearts and will forever remain in our souls after we pass. That is truth. We sacrifice our health, sleep, money, our homes, friendships, careers, and hell, even our sanity for these beautiful extensions of ourselves. And my goodness, can they get under our skins! After a long productive day at the office or home, we await their arrivals from from school with open arms only to be met with the attitude of a prepubescent teenager! He is only nine-years-old...not twelve, not sixteen...but nine!The sass, the rolling of the eyes, the talking back, the interjecting when I am speaking, the sarcasm…
Oooh Mama,s let me tell you, there was a moment where I could have smacked him on his mouth, backhanded, all Bangladeshi style with the way he retorted to me saying that he will spend our time during lunch speaking with his mama! Lucky for him, I do not believe in hitting children. These moments are the ones I fantasize locking myself in the pantry to not have a complete The Real Housewives Of Atlanta moment on my kids.
So here is how it really went down:I dropped them off on a cold and rainy morning for Sunday school. In the process of getting both my seven-year-old and nine-year-old, my youngest asked if we could go to First Watch, a local restaurant, for lunch. Truth: Sundays at First Watch will be a minimum of an hour wait. Truth #2 It is rainy and cold. Mama hates both. I say okay. On the way back to the car after picking them up, my eldest inquires of our plans and I told him where we were going. His response? “You didn’t bother to ask me if I wanted to go there, and I don’t. So, i’d rather you take me home.” My response? Deep breath, raised an eyebrow followed by the infamous twitching under my left eye. I also shared with him that his brother has requested it, and I would like to go as well and if he would rather not eat there, he could sit there and bear witness to our feast. We both laughed and tried to put it past us. He was pushing my buttons as he has for the last two days since he returned from his father’s home. We get my youngest son and waddle our way through the rain to our car. Once settled and driving, my eldest then asks if I brought my work cell phone with me so he can play games or watch YouTube while we eat. I responded that I did not, and they will just have to speak with their mama like in the olden days. Insert evil laugh...Bahahaha (they are not allowed devices during meals in general). His response? “Why would we WANT to speak to YOU?”
I’ll let that sink in for a moment.
Little man should thank his lucky stars that I was driving and needed time to get to the location and find parking which gave me time to breathe and desperately cling to the truth of what was happening. My son is lashing out, yes. He is also utilizing deflection as a defense mechanism because I am his safe person. Deflection in psychodynamic theory is described as an event in which a person experiencing a negative emotion caused by someone of importance, will transfer that emotion to a safer target. This is done to avoid painful memories, thoughts, and emotions, but it also prevents the person from being self-aware. In this case, my son was responding to an incident that took place with his father but lashing out at me. Understanding what is truly happening beneath the teenage surface of angst and emotion helps dilute the sting of rejection that I experience, but it hurts nonetheless. Just because I understand where this behavior is coming from, should it be excused? The pursing of my lips and rise of the challenging brow just contemplating this tells you, the answer is no. Drawing attention and highlighting a child’s behavior is grooming them to become self-aware and secure individuals who can communicate and handle conflict in a healthy manner. Every opportunity is a chance for us to guide our children to become their best selves. In this specific incident, I brought both of my babies to the front seat after I parked the car. It was raining cats and dogs, as though the heavens were responding to the raging sea of emotions my son’s response elicited within me...cue evil laughter... Bahahaha. I explained in a steady, stoic voice that we needed to talk. This immediately will strike fear in any who knows me. Habiba, when emotional or animated is still manageable, but once there is complete silence… RUN...run far, far away! Hahaha. I explained to both my children, this will be my last warning as my tolerance for their attitude is dangling on a fine line. I expressed my concerns using the secondary emotion. This is not the “go to” or primary emotion, which in my case, is usually anger. Even the babies will tell you, when mama is scared (such as the time someone cut us off on the interstate and almost took off the front bumper with the children in the backseat), mama seems angry.When mama is hurt (having been told I am not good enough), she seems angry. Similarly, when mama is disappointed, she seems angry. As humans, we focus on the secondary emotion such as anger which is primarily a distraction and a protective effort to mask our true emotion: hurt and rejection.. Exposing the secondary emotion reveals vulnerability, and that is what those who care for you will respond to. I expressed to both my children that dismissive and sarcastic statements such as these imply that mommy is not valued. Immediately, my children were able to empathize and feel accountable for their actions and we spent the remainder of the day being loving and nurturing to one another. The one thing we as humans crave is the connection between us and the object of our affection. In attachment theory, it is that connection when offered unconditionally, that leads to healthy and secure relationships. My children apologized for their behavior and spent the rest of the day making it right. How? Well, that is a topic we will cover in the next post. But until then, my advice to you, Mama, is to take a deep breath in and out, talk it out with your children, and remind yourself deep down: You’ve got this, Mama. They are your children after all and beneath all their pre-teen and teenage foliage, attitudes, and slang, they love you immensely.
My Dear Friend Shalon
Here is a quick read on my longtime friend Shalon!
I catch myself today realizing just how much I take for granted when it comes to being a mama to my babies. That it is a privilege to share in these moments with them. It is a privilege to have such an impact on who they will become as they grow, that it is a privilege to lay here next to him and help him sleep instead of working, and especially when I’m freaking out because he threw up in the sink on top of the dishes this morning hahahha. It is a privilege to be able to rub his back and tuck him in because some mothers never get the chance to see them through this far. I lost my confidant, my partner in crime and my “person” two years ago today. shalon Irving was also the co author of Beautifully Bare, Undeniably You. She doesn’t get to wake up all night to take care of her baby, she didn’t get to spend a birthday or a Mother’s Day, she doesn’t get to vent and be annoyed that once again she’s left to care for a sick kid, she doesn’t get to complain or laugh or share in their growth. So as this sick one is rolling around and keeping me awake all night with his coughing and has me running behind him with Lysol all day today, I am reminded that I’m still so very lucky to have the chance to do all this, because not everyone who should, gets to.
Emotional Energy and Existence
What do you want out of life? How do you think you should go about achieving what you want? What do you do with your emotional energy to get you through the good times and bad? In this blog, I talk about all of this, and what to do when you’re feeling lost and depressed.
What do you want out of life?
Why is that an important question to ask? Why do we need to know? How many people really knows what they want out of life? Most people answer it with “I want to be happy” and that is a legitimate desire, but how many actually know what they mean by that? They say “I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard to be happy?”. It sounds amazingly simple, doesn’t it? I want to be happy. Shouldn’t that be a fundamental right for anyone and everyone out there? Yet it is the most elusive concept that I have ever experienced. Right when you think you have a grasp on happiness- somehow it turns into sand and either sucks you down with it or it just slips through your fingers. Either way, it is not attainable. What kind of therapist says happiness is not attainable… hahah I know, so let me explain.
Happiness is a construct. It is a state of being. Can you define any state of being that is everlasting? Is sadness everlasting? Is fear everlasting? There are no states of being that are permanent. And that is the one thing that we as humans have a really hard time accepting- nothing is permanent. I could be happy right now, whatever that means to me, then I can go home, something happens and *poof* there it goes. Does that make sense? That is why I asked the question, “what are you wanting out of life”. The reason I phrase it that way is because I want you to have an answer to, “what is the point?”. When we become completely overwhelmed, engulfed in our sorrow, depression, fear, anxiety, you name it- anytime you have an intense emotional response to something that life threw at you, it’s very hard to answer that question “what is the point?”. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you are tired of this existence? Not as in “I don’t want to live anymore”, but more so “I don’t want to live like this” anymore. That is the hardest thing to answer when you are thinking, “well, what is the point?”. Those are the times when you are in the stronghold of those intense, negative emotions.
So that is when I need you to be able to ask yourself, what is the point? What is the point of existing? Of waking up and going to the routine of getting dressed, getting ready, and going about your everyday life? What has been the point of coming to my sessions and being present and being there for people? What is the point of going home and cooking dinner and hanging out with the kids? What is the point of paying $100 for an uber so I can take my little man to the Ed Sheeran concert tonight? What is the point?
Recognizing and identifying “the point” is a reminder of the things that you need to do so that you can get out of that emotional state, because it is temporary. Reframing is the most difficult thing to do when you are in the grasp of that monster feeling that is lurking at that moment. It is a reminder that this state of being and feeling is temporary, and it also gives you a plan. A plan of how to get out of that rut.
So how do you get out of this? First of all, you have to recognize that there is a finite amount of emotional energy that you wake up with every morning. Have you noticed that if you completely lose your marbles in the morning because something goes awry, that by the middle of the day, you are just done. We have our moments where we lose our temper, but it is typically directed at a person that does not fully deserve that extreme response. Yes, they may have done something that irritated you, but the response that you gave them is not necessarily equal to their action. It is a rational reaction, but it is not necessarily worthy of my emotional response.
Our emotional energy is like a bag of diamonds. Each time we have an emotional reaction to something, we are just giving them away, or even just throwing them away. For example, it is Friday, and my babies come home every Friday from their overnight stay with their dad. Just about every Friday, there is something that has happened resulting is unnecessary chaos. Whether they are really late, forgot their bookbags, left their homework, they are not dressed for the day or dressed in clothing that fit, or have not been fed. Just something that is not in alignment with what I believe should have happened based on whatever that we have in our coparenting agreements. These kinds of things mess with my day, their day, throws us all off. A constant violation from what I believe in when it comes to accountability or caregiving and it makes sense that I sometimes lose my mind about it. I have this emotional response because I had these beliefs about what was going to happen, and beliefs based on my values were violated. In the same breath, I will ask you a question… why are we surprised? If we were on the same page about these values, parenting styles and respected each other’s perspectives, we would still be married. So, every Friday for the last 3 years, I have taken this bag of diamonds and have thrown half of them at him.
Knowing all of this, why am I just throwing my diamonds at him? It is 7 o’clock in the morning and I am halfway empty on my emotional energy reserves already. I have not had breakfast or coffee yet and the day is just beginning. Does he deserve those diamonds? No, they are mine. They are precious, and I only have so much for the entire day. They need to go towards my clients, my babies, my friends, my home, my pets, etc. They are the ones deserving of my emotional energy. How many times do we throw these diamonds at people who do not deserve it, or the traffic, or the weather? Why do we fixate on things that we cannot control? Go back to the first question I asked you, “what do you want out of life?”. Is saying you want to be happy, while throwing your diamonds at things you cannot control leading you towards happiness? Or if you want to feel fulfilled, do you get it that way? No. Who is sabotaging my existence? Them or me? Do not feel like I am judging you on what you are spending your energy on, because I am not... As I have expressed, I have been doing that very same thing for years. It makes sense why we do it, but we have to decide which people and situations are truly deserving of our emotional diamonds. Not everything or everyone is deserving these reactions, even if it feels justified. So, what I want you to take out of this, is to stop and think about what you REALLY want to do with your emotional energy. Where do you really want to invest your diamonds? What do you want out of life? Are you taking the steps to get there?
Procrastination
Do you catch yourself procrastinating often? Do you find yourself wondering why you put yourself through so much stress by procrastinating? In this blog, I talk about those feelings and why we do it to ourselves.
Procrastination. Let us talk about our fabulous procrastinators. Our driven, “I work best under pressure”, excuse telling, procrastinators. I was one of them. I still might be one of them. Procrastination is when you leave whatever needs to be done for the very last minute. A lot of people that I know, including myself, say that we work best under pressure and that we give off our best work when we are crunched for time. We thrive off of the “high” that comes from being able to accomplish something in spite all the setbacks and blockages. I want to challenge that today. I want to ask you, why is it that you are chasing that high? If that high is coming from achievement, why is not that met by being yourself without the added stress of waiting till the last minute? If it is just “look at what I’ve accomplished”, you have finished it regardless if you started it a month ago or the day before it is due. The product is in your hands no matter what. Why wait for the pressure to build up, the anxiety to skyrocket, the nervousness, the sleepless nights, the sinking feeling in your chest? Why continue to put yourself in these situations, and feel that way? But isn’t that what we tell ourselves? That we work best under that pressure.
Logically, that does not make any sense, because you are using the little energy that you have to stress over these things. Why create these extra obstacles that are self-imposed when the end result is still the same? Cognitively, we know that makes no sense. Most will say, “yeah it’s better if I do it ahead of time”. But as you already know, I am not here to talk logic. I want to focus on the why. Not from judgement, not “you should know better”, but to understand the why.
If you really stop and ask yourself “why am I putting myself through this mess of anxiety and stress, when the anxiety could’ve been avoided if it was done sooner?” you realize it is not the high of the pressure of getting it done, but something much deeper than that. The “high” comes from the validation that we receive- validation that we have attained and overcome this in less time than other people would have, and in spite of all the challenges that we faced. It is that affirmation of our competency that we are looking for. Stop and let that sink in for a moment. Validation. What kind of validation? Well, what is that validation? Why does it feel more worthy of your effort or intelligence or even your self-worth by obtaining something through all of these obstacles instead of just attaining them through effective work? I had a client tell me today “Because otherwise it’s just handed to you. It is the easy way, you just got handed the success. You didn’t have to fight for it”. That is a struggle that a lot of us have, as well as me; where we feel a sense of pride by achieving something when everything else was against us. That sense of pride is a validation of worth, of being competent, capable, intelligent, of being strong- all of these wonderful things that it reinforces in us because we “overcame the odds”.
The issue is that it can become an addiction, and that is what procrastination is. You become addicted to that “high” - of being validated as being worthy. A lot of times, in order to achieve that sense of worth, we seek it from situations we create and as a result receive it externally instead of having it be from within us, from our own sense of self. When you do not have that intrinsically, you seek it from validation from others, and a lot of times we fall into the trap of creating self-imposed obstacles that we then have to overcome to feel that validation and worth. If you dissect it, the end result is still the same, the chapter was finished, the project got done, the paper was still written- they are still your words and your effort and your thoughts. We did not need to go through the rest of the pressure, the anxiety, the stress of obstacles and time constraints to have the end result. If you look a little bit deeper, your work is still your work. Why is it that your work is valued more when there are obstacles, with the flip side being that if it is not achieved with great struggle, it was “handed to you”?
In session, (this is a real story) I have someone draw something on paper, and I sit there and watch them, and they drew a flower. And then I said, “okay move on to another side of the same piece of paper and draw something else”. They start drawing and I started throwing random stuff at them- wadded up pieces of paper, empty cups, etc. to cause distractions. It was completely unnecessary, though comical, and she looked at me like “what the hell are you doing”. But that is what it is, right? The end result was still that she drew 2 pictures. That is still her drawing, still her ability, still her talent and work that went into it. It is just that for the second drawing, she was bombarded with a bunch of unnecessary obstacles. The point of it was, she still had to work for those pictures; the external factors (while hilarious and absurd) does not matter because the end result was still the same. The point is the picture, not how she GOT TO the picture, but the picture ITSELF. That was her effort, her own skill, her talent, and her own thoughts that manifested onto the paper. So why not give credit for just that? That is enough.
We are enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH. What you have to offer is enough. Who you are is enough. We do not have to prove our worth to anyone, especially through overcoming those unnecessary obstacles, because there is no comparison. There is no comparison to you; there is no comparison to me. I am who I am, you are who you are, and there is no one else out there like us- good or bad. We get so wrapped up in trying to prove our worth that sometimes we create a reality that is self-sabotaging. Where we unknowingly, and sometimes knowingly, put these obstacles in our own path and all it does is rob us of the peace in the moment. Whatever little peace we could have is tainted because we are fighting these battles that we have set in front of us that did not need to be. Life is hard enough as it is and there are going to be obstacles that come from just living. We do not need to help it out by creating more self-imposed obstacles. So, the next time that you feel yourself possibly creating an obstacle, and one of the examples of creating these obstacles is procrastinating, ask yourself “what am I really looking for? Is it validation? Is it pride? Is itself worth? Is it acknowledgment? What’s really the force that’s driving me?”
Book Review!
Here is a link to a book review!! Enjoy!
Here is a link to a wonderful blogger who reviewed my book!!
http://www.livia.com.au/2018/10/my-monthly-book-favourites-for-light.html
Not Good Enough & Anxiety
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re not good enough? Has anxiety ever taken over your life in a situation? Enjoy my first blog post where I talk about these things, why we feel them, and what to do!
Not being good enough... This has been a recurring theme in most of my sessions today. No matter what we actually explored, it usually came back to the feeling of “I'm not good enough”. Sometimes it is not as blatant as that, but sometimes it is, coming back to a sense of fear; of not living up to expectations. But what does this mean, “I'm not good enough”?
I have struggled with this feeling my entire life and being where I am now, having been practicing as long as I have, I genuinely believed that I had worked though my issues with self-esteem and self-worth. I had thought that this feeling is not something that I carry or harbor anymore, but it is sneaky… it creeps up on you when you do not even see it there. Its lurking when a new opportunity, venture, project, or relationship hits. Voila- there it is manifesting as pause- A pause where this feeling, of not being good enough, pops into the back of your mind.
In examining this pause, you can ask yourself- am I pausing because it is new, uncharted, unexplored territory and I am uncertain of what is going to happen? That pause of I wonder- is healthy. Or is it a pause of “I cannot”, a fear-based pause?
I talk a lot about fear based and desire-based pauses in my sessions because the things that we do typically falls under one or the other. An example of desire based response is “this is fun for me, I enjoy it”, while a fear based response is “I have to do this because I'm trying to avoid a consequence” or “I have to do this because I am trying to prove something to myself or other people”. If this belief is something we struggle with, not feeling good enough will bleed into everything we do. It rears its ugly head into places where there should be joy. It is the opposite of confidence, of “I’ve got this”, and of empowerment. This feeling goes a step further and is a manifestation of a heavy feeling in the chest, quickening of the heart, out of fear or dread.
We all experience this pause- even when we truly get to know who we are- but for some of us, the pause lasts a little too long and creates doubt, which can then manifest into anxiety.
It transforms and builds. Anxiety is a feeling more than nervousness; it serves as a warning. With my personal experience through research and professional practice, I have noticed and learned that everything we experience happens for a reason. I am not talking about divine reason. My meaning is that our emotional and cognitive experiences, serves a purpose, whether it is a beneficial or harmful to our wellbeing. Every reaction, every thought we have, serves a purpose. It is there when we are lacking something (such as security, certainty, stability, congruence etc..) or because of prior history. Anxiety serves as a warning to either “hey, pay attention to this because it is threatening” or “hey, do you know what’s going to happen if you do this?” Most of the time the ones we recognize are the “what are you thinking, do you understand how you’re going to crash and burn if you do this” warnings.
If you look at this feeling of anxiety, where does it live? What do I mean by that? You see, all of our emotions live somewhere in our body. It sounds crazy, I know, but think about it. When you feel scared, what do you feel physiologically? Commonly, when you feel scared it is something in your chest. A lot of people say, “I felt it in my chest, my heart skipped a beat”, for some, it is like something dropped in the pit of their stomach. For others, like myself, fear is a tingly sensation going down to the fingers. Take loneliness, as another example. For me, loneliness makes me feel physically cold. I can be under my comforter, with the quilt on top and still feel cold, even with my house set on 75! Seriously 2 blankets and I still feel cold!? Either I am sick or something else is up. And in being mindful and paying attention to what was happening before and now after I have been able to connect the dots to every time that I feel lonely, I feel cold. Every emotion has a place it lives in your body so take an accounting of were these different feelings resonate.
Why do we need to pay attention to what is going on? Well, our minds and our bodies are all connected. A lot of times you experience a sensation physically that you are not aware of consciously. For example, 2 years ago, I had just dropped my kids off with their father and they were going to go to school the next day, which happened to be my son’s birthday. After dropping them off, I went to the grocery store to buy candy and things for his goodie bags and cupcakes to take to his school. I know that I had scheduled time to spend his birthday with him at school the following day and we also did something the day before AND had plans for that weekend. If you have not noticed by now, I tend to overcompensate. That is just what I do. So, we got the birthday covered, right? I am parked outside of the grocery store sitting in the car, and I realize that I am having a hard time breathing. So, I take a deep breath and think “okay what’s going on”? I was on the phone with a friend, so I'm talking this through and I think “I don’t know what’s going on…” and then the difficulty breathing started to feel like a pain in my chest, so I was thinking “ooookay… numbness in the arm on the left side and tingly feeling in my fingers… don’t really know why”. Just moments before I was having a great conversation with my friend and had plans to eat dinner and relax later, (which I do not get a lot of time to do) so this is a great moment. The kids are handled with their dad. Everything is good… what is the problem? I consciously, cognitively, could not come up with why. Why am I having this physiological experience unless I am having a heart attack? I thought I might have to go to the ER because maybe this is the beginning of a heart attack. Who knows? I am not old enough to be having this, but we all know that is how it works sometimes. So, I took a moment and thought “okay, this is remarkably similar to having a panic attack… why would I be having a panic attack? What am I panicking over? I am not panicking over anything… I'm laughing, talking, and genuinely excited about having a day off to finally relax, so what is the problem?” I could not figure it out.
Well, those of you who know me would realize, and I know that this is my first of many blogs so you will get to know me- that these kids are everything to me. I breathe and bleed for them. One of my most significant reasons for existing is for these babies. They are my everything, AND for the first time since my son was born, I will not get to wake up with my baby boy on his birthday. So even though on the surface everything is great- I have a plan for the day, I am going to see him at school, celebrate him that weekend- for the first time ever, I don’t get to wake up with him and start his day singing happy birthday. This change in my reality led to me having a panic attack because someone that is so important to me is going to be inaccessible. When I was able to figure that out, the pressure valve was released a little bit on the anxiety in my brain. That nervousness that had manifested in the panic attack is tied to my worth as a mom. What kind of mother is not there to celebrate her son’s birthday? Is it true? No. Hello… overcompensating mom over here trying to make sure this baby knows he is loved. He knows he is loved. This is my stuff that I needed to work though. Have I yet? No. I am working on it and we are all masterpieces at work on ourselves. I did not feel worthy enough, I did not feel like a good enough mother because I could not make this thing happen. Now, once I attach this belief to the sense of worth, I realize this is a deep wound that the reactions resonates from.
This is just one example of not feeling good enough. We all have our own, and we need to take the time to figure it out. One thing that I can tell you all for sure, is that it is universal. We all experience this from time to time. The next time you feel this anxiety or do not feel good enough, try to see why and where its manifesting from. Its pointing you towards something, be courageous in following the map into your early experiences and unravel the beliefs that color your world and how you live it.