Habiba Zaman


Emotional Energy and Existence

My question for you today is “what do you want out of life?”. Why is that an important question to ask? Why do we need to know? How many people do you think really know what they want out of life? Most people answer it with “I want to be happy” but how many people do you think actually know what they mean by that? No one that I’ve met can answer that question. They say “I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard to be happy?”. It sounds very simple, doesn’t it? I want to be happy. Shouldn’t that be a fundamental right for anyone and everyone out there? It shouldn’t be this concept that is so elusive, and yet it is the most elusive thing that I have ever experienced. Right there when you think you have a grasp on it, it’s in your hands and then somehow it turns into sand and either sucks you down with it or it just slips through your fingers. Either way, it’s not attainable. What kind of therapist says happiness is not attainable… Happiness is a construct. It’s a state of being. What state of being can you define for me that is everlasting? Is sadness everlasting? Is fear everlasting? There are no states of being that are permanent. And that’s the one thing that we as humans have a really hard time accepting, that nothing is permanent. I could be happy right now, whatever that means to me, then I can go home and something happens and *poof* there it goes. Does that make sense? That’s why I asked the question, “what are you wanting out of life”. And the reason I phrase it that way is because I want you to answer “what is the point”. When we become completely overwhelmed, completely engulfed in our sorrow, depression, fear, anxiety, you name it, anytime you have an intense emotional response to something that life threw at you, it’s very hard to answer that question. It’s very hard to answer “what is the point”. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you’re tired of this existence? Not as in “I don’t want to live anymore”, but more so “I don’t want to live like this” anymore. That’s the hardest thing to answer. At that point, you’re thinking, “well, what is the point?”. Those are the times when you are in the stronghold of those intense, negative emotions. So that’s when I need you to be able to ask yourself, what is the point? What’s the point of existing? Of waking up and going to the routine of getting dressed, getting ready, and going about your everyday life? What’s the point of coming to my sessions and being present and being there for people? What’s the point of going home and cooking dinner and hanging out with the kids? What’s the point of paying $100 for an uber so I can take my little man to the ed sheeran concert tonight? What’s the point? Recognizing what the point is is a reminder of the things that you need to do so that you can get out of that emotional state, because it is temporary. It is the most difficult thing to do when you’re in that grasp of that monster feeling that is lurking at that moment. It’s a reminder that it’s temporary and it also gives you a plan. A plan of how to get out of that rut. So how do you get out of this? First of all, you have to recognize that you have a finite amount of emotional energy that you wake up with every morning. Have you noticed that if you completely lose your marbles in the morning, if something goes awry, that by the middle of the day, you are just done. And that’s the thing, we have our moments where we lose our temper, but it’s typically directed at a person that doesn’t full deserve that extreme behavior. Yes they may have done something that irritated you, but the response that you gave them is not necessarily equal to their action. It’s rational reaction, but it’s not necessarily worthy of my emotional response. Our emotional energy is like a bag of diamonds. Each time we have an emotional reaction to something, we are just giving them away, or even just throwing them. For example, it’s Friday. My babies come home every Friday from their dad. Just about every Friday, there is something that has happened. Whether they’re really late, or they’re not dressed or haven’t been fed. Just something that isn’t in alignment with what I believe should have happened based on whatever agreements that we have. These kinds of things mess with my day, their day, throws us all off. A constant violation from what I believe in and it makes sense that I sometimes lose my mind about it. I have this emotional response because I had these beliefs about what was going to happen and you violated them. In the same breath, I will ask you a question… why are we surprised? If we were on the same page about these values and parenting ways and respected each others values, we’d still be married. So, every Friday for the last 3 years, I have taken this bag of diamonds hand throw half of them at him. So why am I just throwing my diamonds at him, before it’s 8 o’clock in the morning and I’m halfway empty already. Does he deserve those diamonds? No, they’re mine. They’re precious, I only have so much for the day. They need to go towards my clients, my babies, my friends, my home, my pets, etc. They’re the ones deserving of my emotional energy. But how many times do we throw these diamonds at people who don’t deserve it, or the traffic, or the weather? Why do we fixate on things that we can’t control? And if you go back to the first question I asked you, what do you want out of life, saying you want to be happy, is throwing your diamonds at things you can’t control leading you towards happiness? Or if you want to feel fulfilled, do you get it that way? No. So who is sabotaging my existence? Them or me? Again, don’t feel like I’m judging you on what you’re spending your energy on, because I’m not. It makes sense why we do it, but we have to decide which people and situations are truly deserving of our emotional diamonds. Not everything deserves these reactions, even if it feels justified. So what I want you to take out of this, is to stop and think about what you REALLY want to do with your emotional energy. Where you really want to invest your diamonds.

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